Tuesday, January 16, 2018


It was so good to be back in the office today. I’m not nearly caught up, but I got a lot done. I think I won’t need crutches by tomorrow. I’ve been thinking that I should take many more short vacations than waiting for fewer long ones. I think it will help my blood pressure. I think it will help my depression by consistently having things to look forward to. Maybe I’ll travel more domestically. I want to go to Miami for starters. I wish I had a travel companion that I was compatible with and who had disposable income.

Monday, January 15, 2018


I’m still on crutches. I bought a second pair to use outdoors so I can go to the office regardless of how my knee is doing. tomorrow I talked to Kristy today. We discussed the friends I lost. I don’t think she understood though. Because she doesn’t understand that I lost her too. Without Sarah, I don’t know what would motivate me to try to get so many people back. I want these years to be gone. I don’t want to live them. Let me be elderly already with great perspective and wisdom. I’m playing a fool’s game right now.

Sunday, January 14, 2018


I must finish the sequel no matter the cost. I shut my laptop and saw the “I Will” card I filled out at Ian’s memorial service. I wrote, “I will write my sequel.” That kind of promise can’t be broken. Seeing the card was a clear reminder. I woke this morning with extreme pain in my right knee. I don’t know what I did in my sleep, but I’m on crutches. It makes me feel battle wounded like many of the characters in Vikings which I binged watched during my illness. I’m far too cowardly to be a Viking though.

Saturday, January 13, 2018


I'm running out of friends. That much is clear. I do care and I also don’t know why it is so. I assume it is my own imposed isolation and this prolonged illness. I’ve drifted so far from people I used to communicate with regularly. Right now, it’s probably for the best. I have too much to figure out regarding what to do with myself, and whether or not to abandon my book. I think it was killing me, making my blood pressure rise to unprecedented heights for me. If I do continue, it will have to go much slower.

Friday, January 12, 2018


I had a strange dream. I was seated at a bar. They did not serve the brand of Scotch I wanted and so I ordered a Glenlivet neat. Gote appeared. I held a black and white photograph of him that does not exist, for he is older in the photo than he had lived. He did not recognize himself in the photograph, nor did he recognize me, seated at my present age. He never sat for a drink. Sometimes, I wonder if he is truly dead or just hates me so much that he stays away. Happy birthday, love eternal.