Monday, November 20, 2017

24


I took the day off from work, but still woke up early in order to drive down to San Diego. Ashley would have turned 24 today had there been no such thing as cancer. I brought her roses and a spiked heart art piece that Stitches made. I set up two chairs, expecting to see her mother, but I guess she came after I had already gone. She texted me this afternoon. I didn’t cry today. But when I got home, I didn’t want to do anything. No writing. No reading. Just lying in bed listening to music and whales.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Whales


I arrived at Starbucks at 6 a.m. I wrote 874 new words of Chapter Eighteen. I’m very happy with what I got down on paper. After a few hours though I had to leave because I needed protein and vegan protein isn’t something Starbucks offers. I think I had too much coffee, so at home I took what my psychologist calls “one of my megadoses.” It did settle my nerves. Then I found an ambient noise app for my Echo that is the sounds of whales. I love it. It feels like being underwater with them in the open sea.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Ghosties


I don’t feel suicidal today. I slept late and wrote well. I finally finished Chapter Seventeen. Writing well makes me feel better. Amirah sent me something to read about letting go of the things and people that don’t serve you well. I responded telling her how I told Erika that she hadn’t been a good friend to me and severed ties. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do because it hurt. I don’t know if I can do it again when the other ghosties resurface. It’s like stepping on your heart after someone else broke it.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Structureless


Sometimes I don't know who has less control over me, my shrinks or myself. If I had a gun I think I'd shoot myself in the head right now. I don't know why I feel like that though. Nothing is particularly bad. I received a rejection letter from Publisher's Weekly for a book review. Other than that, things are fairly good. I'm so inconsistent with my "as needed" drugs that maybe I screw myself up worse. I'm actually not looking forward to the weekend. I don't want free time. I don't think I can afford to be structureless right now.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Ladder


This morning I dreamed I was waiting on my favorite English teacher from high school to explain something on my academic transcript, but I got tired of waiting and left. I went home, which was a house I had to access by wooden ladder. I was coming home to M___ and was so happy about that. I put my bag down in the kitchen and announced that I was there and she ran into the bathroom because she wasn't finished getting dressed. I barged into the bathroom anyway and kissed her. She was mostly dressed. Would it be like that?