Thursday, June 30, 2016


My psychologist didn’t help me as much as I hoped she would with this thing that has left me so conflicted inside. I only stayed for forty minutes. Riley gave me advice that was more useful. I told myself I would text A______ after I finished reading House of Leaves. I finished it yesterday and followed through with it. She said more than I did. I didn’t want to ask too much. I don’t want to know much. I’m thinking of not texting her again until I read Winter’s Tale, another book she recommended. It’s a little longer, 748 pages.

Henn Kim

Wednesday, June 29, 2016


I left work at 11:30 a.m. I had gone as far as I can go with fiscal closing until this month’s payroll hits the general ledger. I’m caught up with SIS work too. So I decided to go home and rest. It’s been nice. I’m really anxious to see my psychologist tomorrow. There’s something I need to speak to her about urgently because I don’t know what to do about something I can’t talk about here. I hope though, that I will walk out of there feeling better or at least less conflicted. My heart is still doing those somersaults.

Christophe Jacrot

Tuesday, June 28, 2016


Argued with my psychiatrist over not giving me any more Klonopins. I didn’t expect to win and I didn’t fully. My previous psychiatrist would give me 60 1mg pills at a time; my new psychiatrist only wants to give me 5 pills. He raised my Cymbalta to 60mg, but for the second month in a row we didn’t lower my Prozac dose. He keeps saying “next month.” He also has flat out refused to ever prescribe me Ambien because of some sleepwalker who walked out of a fifth story window. I think I’ve been on Ambien since it was invented.

Christophe Jacrot

Monday, June 27, 2016


It’s been a day full of advice. This morning I texted with Riley about the problem with my soul I mentioned in yesterday’s post. I knew she would have an answer for me. The conflict remains but I feel more at peace. I hope it lasts. I texted with Holly for the first time in many months. She gave me her thoughts about marriage. I think I want marriage to be for me, but it just isn’t a good idea if I don’t have children. I finally gave advice of my own when Stitches texted me late in the day.

Christophe Jacrot

Sunday, June 26, 2016


My soul is changing. I was going to say it had been corrupted but that would be judgmental. I’m starting to want what I’ve always wanted, marriage, less and less. More deadponies. I’ve become less heart and more penis. My mind wanders now to sexual relations with no attachment. I feel that’s what I want, although in the past those kinds of relations have left me feeling vacant. I don’t feel like myself right now. Maybe this will go away and I’ll get some of my ponies back. I think I’m also confusing sexual desire for love. Too many daydreams.

Jake Wood Evans

Saturday, June 25, 2016


Sin Dee and I went to a production of Waiting for Godot. Paul was playing Pozzo. Unfortunately, we had to leave at intermission because her allergies were acting up. On the drive home we got a flat tire on the freeway. I must have jinxed myself because I was thinking earlier this week how strange it is that I’ve never gotten a flat tire. Sin Dee and I hung out three days in a row. I rarely see any friends that often. We’ve become close friends very quickly. She’s thoughtful in conversation and makes it clear she wants to understand.

Sin Dee and I driving to the theatre.
My tire on the drive back.