Wednesday, September 30, 2015


Here I am constantly worrying about being single and so many of my friends are having relationship troubles right now. I spent my entire workday staring at a giant spreadsheet. After work, I went to the dentist. I sent Jessica Jackson my first SnapChat of the overhead light from the dentist chair. Oddly, she sent me back a similar video. She was at the dentist too. I reclaimed Orly’s voice and rewrote some of her narration to make room for the structural changes I worked on. I masturbated even though I didn’t want to. That’s how exciting my life is.  


Tuesday, September 29, 2015


I had an appointment with my second prospective replacement psychiatrist. She is more experienced and more conservative than the first, which I’m happy with, but I’m not completely confident about our ability to understand each other. On my drive home I wanted to blow my brains out. I wished I had the ability to cry and wished I had someone to cry on. I really hate meeting new therapists and having to say out loud what your diagnoses and symptoms are, especially when we talk about my S.A.D. I feel like such a reject. A big fat mentally unstable reject.

Mark Demsteader

Monday, September 28, 2015


Candy Says by The Velvet Underground came on while driving back from my dentist. It made me think of how good it has been to love people. It was really great seeing Haley last night. I saw my psychologist today and we talked a lot about finding ways to not mind feeling so lonely. Staying active appears to be a big part of succeeding in that endeavor. I need to write more, work on my health, study Japanese, and read more books. We discussed volunteer work and spending less time on social media as often it makes me feel lonely.  

A photo of me and Stitches last night at The Avalon for Front 242 and Youth Code.