Monday, August 31, 2015

Bed


As expected, I slept little last night. I started an argument with Andrea before bed and ruined her night too. I sent an apology today. I hope she accepts it. I thought about getting out of bed at 4 a.m. as usual, but it didn’t happen. And at around 8:15 a.m. I emailed my bosses to tell them I was too depressed to come in today. This thing with my psychiatrist is really messing with my head. I think of the shitty psychiatrists I’ve had in the past and can’t look forward. I’m sitting on my bed in the dark.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Alive

I’ve been thinking about my psychiatrist problem a lot today. I feel like I’ve taken him for granted in keeping me alive all these years. I’m worried I’m not going make it and that it won’t be my conscious choice to make. That is to say, since adolescence I’ve expected to be a suicide, but I don’t want it to be the result of side effects with changes to my medications. I want it to be purely my choice when it happens. I know some new psychiatrist is going to try to lower my Wellbutrin dose. It’ll be their goal.



Saturday, August 29, 2015

Excepted


My mind is still dwelling on having to find a new psychiatrist. Yesterday, he thanked me for allowing him to be my doctor. I think that if the children’s hospital allowed him to have excepted patients who exceed the age of twenty-one, he would keep me as a patient. In some ways, it feels like a breakup. I have a date tonight with the girl who missed my picnic. I hope I don’t allow my dwelling to ruin our date. We’re going out to dinner in Burbank and then going to see four bands play. I think we’ll have fun.

Seyo Cizmic

Friday, August 28, 2015

Goodbye

I said goodbye to my student worker and cut her final paycheck. I will really miss her at the office. I had my annual performance evaluation. This is for the first year I reported directly to my previous supervisor’s boss. She’s not known for giving outstanding reviews, yet somehow I got one, which is a relief. I just saw my award-winning psychiatrist whom I have entrusted my mental health to for the past eight years. He gave me five months notice that he’s closing his private practice to work solely for a children’s hospital. Great difficulty is on the horizon.

My student worker, Ana Marie, sitting in my chair on her last day at the office. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Hot


It was hot out today and I spent most of it outdoors. We had our annual staff picnic, which means a couple thousand people in Aldrich Park. Our office won the school spirit competition yet again. It was bittersweet though since I’m losing my student worker Ana Marie since she graduated. After four years, tomorrow is her last day with us. After the picnic I went back to the office and worked for a couple of hours then went out to eat since the vegan options suck at the staff picnic. Then in ninety-degree heat I went to boot camp.

Me and my wonderful student worker, Ana Marie.

Me and Allison, Director of Communications for the SIS Project.

Edna painted my face.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Asked


I worked out a major problem with The Scribbled Victims this morning. I may soon be back on track with writing new chapters. I got a tremendous amount of work done at the office today too. I read more of Spring Torrents. How I love that book. My date who couldn’t make it to the picnic asked if we could go out this weekend. That was nice. We’re going out to dinner and then to a club show on Saturday. I went to boot camp today. It’s still quite a struggle. My heart races and I get quite a headache.

Seyo Cizmic