Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Year


I will remember 2014 as the year Amirah got married. The year I met Andrea, A______, Jessica Jackson, and Mary. The year I began to heal following Ashley's death. The year I finished writing the fourth Maddie book. The year I was promoted to a Senior Analyst. The year I began to decrease my antidepressants. I'm looking forward to 2015. It will be an accomplishment just to get through the work year. It will be a year where I travel. My goal will be to find a new writing agent, and hopefully, hopefully, I'll fall in love. So cheers, bitches!

Jesus Leguizamo

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Master


I helped my father clean out my family's attic. There was so much stuff, including my crib from when I was a baby. It had one of those old school plastic embossed labels on the headboard that read Master Robert Eugene Tomoguchi Jr. Master--what a silly custom. I remembered the label as being green but it was blue. I guess that makes sense. Blue for the family's only boy. We broke it apart. I still have memory of a nightmare I had when I was in that crib. I screamed really loud that night and my dad came running.

Jesus Leguizamo

Monday, December 29, 2014

Trashed


I disposed of a painting I purchased at an art show. I just didn't love it anymore. Maybe it was wrong for me to trash but I didn't want it exist somewhere else. That's like the rationale for a murder-suicide of an ex. It was wrong, but oh well. It's done. I actually trashed a lot of personal items today. I'm going through a purge. I've been overwhelmed thinking about my new workload and how I'm going to write The Scribbled Victims. I'm toying with the idea of reducing my daily word count quota to just two-hundred words a day.  

Jesus Leguizamo

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Eyes


If I wasn't heavily medicated I believe I would have cried tonight. I could feel the tears pushing on my eyes but they never fell. It's dark out and cold. I drove around with my windows down and the heater on blaring Movie by The Birthday Massacre. I could see Ashley's eyes. Just her eyes and it hurt my heart. I wish she were with me tonight. I would have driven until we ran out of gas and had no money left to buy more. Even then we could walk. She'd be whole and I'd see more than her eyes.

Andrew Pommier

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Hooked


I had a very relaxing day. I went grocery shopping, did laundry, and ordered two books on gout. I talked to Wenderbread, DaniellE, and Jessica Jackson. Jessica introduced me to a blog I should be ashamed of getting hooked on. I didn't read as much as I needed to, but I'll read more before bed. Oh, I forgot, last night I had a dream where I was marrying someone I barely know and would definitely never marry in real life. I woke up so confused. Andrea didn't come online today, so that was a bummer, but hopefully we'll talk tomorrow.

Eduardo Mata Icaza

Friday, December 26, 2014

Removed


I finished another read through of the new book, to make sure I credited everyone who appears in the book. There should only be one read left after the final round of proofreading. I feel like I can now start thinking more about The Scribbled Victims instead of the fourth Maddie book. I removed all of the hospital photos and videos of Ashley from my phone. They made me sad and I want to remember her healthy. I received the results of my blood test. It looks like I have gout. WTF? I don't eat meat and I don't drink.

Andrea Castro

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Maggots


Last night, two recurring dreams were combined in one. In one a dead woman walks the aisles of a cemetery looking for her baby. In the second, I find this hidden cemetery in Santa Cruz where I eventually learn I'm buried. Oddly, I was bringing friends from college to see both places, but we only got as far as the adjacent street to the first cemetery. It's Christmas and I told Andrea a secret. I also finished reviewing the edits of the new book and decided on its secondary title: or How I Found Love with Maggots on My Face.

The cover page to my new book.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Painkillers


My foot hurt even more when I woke up. Fortunately, I was able to get an appointment with my doctor this morning. He believes it's because of my old running shoes, but he did a blood test anyway to make sure I don't have gout. I get the results in three days. The painkillers I got have been a relief. I watched a film called The Broken Circle Breakdown and nearly cried. I talked to Jessica Jackson today. I like talking to her. She's funny. With Andrea in Austria right now, our time zone difference makes it difficult to talk.

Lourdes Sanchez

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Limping


This is the second day I am limping around. I think I should have bought new running shoes before going on those two long walks over the weekend. My right foot is swollen and hurts to walk on. Today was my last day at work until January 2. I hope my foot isn't like this the entire time I'm off. I imagine I'll get a lot of reading done, but I do want to go out at least a little. Andrea told me that she put one of my Maddie buttons on her jacket. I thought that was really sweet.

Chiara Aime

Monday, December 22, 2014

Proofread


I received the proofread copy of the new book. The changes seem minimal. I think I'll be able to put out the final draft on schedule. I saw Kyrie today. I have to admit it made me feel nostalgic. I think A______ is over me. I should just let it go. Andrea and I talk everyday so that's been great. I just wish we didn't live so far apart. I reserved my booth for the 2015 Bats Day Black Market. Stitches and Cynth are going to work my booth with me again. I'm excited for my book to come out.

Johan Barrios

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Disco


I slept in again today. When I woke I went out to get some crickets for my girls. They're happy and stuffing their little faces. I also made prints of some photos of Amirah, Stitches, and Disco for my desk at the new office. Today is Disco's birthday. I texted her, but she didn't reply. I haven't received a reply from her for weeks. That's really disappointing. I love her so much. I had lunch with Mary and Cutlery. We ate too much. Andrea sent me more pictures. Big hearts. I went for a two hour walk. A______ finally messaged.

Damien Cadio

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Walk


I slept longer than usual. I didn't get out of bed until around 11:00. I had two emails from my boss. I took a three-hour walk. It helped. I talked to Stitches today, but I didn't get to talk to Andrea. Boo. The Getting Things Done site called Vitalist that I've been using for years apparently went out of business. They just charged my monthly fee six days ago. That was shady. I tried using Outlook to create a new GTD system but it was inferior to what I had. So I just changed to a new site called NirvanaHQ.

Julia Fullerton-Batten

Friday, December 19, 2014

Grateful


I had the most difficult day of my career today. I'm so exhausted and that's all I can say about it. Andrea was a great source of comfort for me. I don't know if she realizes that, but I'm really grateful for her. I don't know how long it will take me to decompress, but I don't see myself writing much this weekend. I have too much on my mind and I'm distracted. I'll probably take an extra sleeping pill tonight just so that I get rest. I've been waking up a lot in the middle of the night lately.

Eduardo Mata Icaza

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Portobello


I met Todd for lunch and had a Portobello mushroom sandwich. Tonight, I went to my office holiday party. They had to make special vegan food for me and I forgot that they were making a Portobello mushroom for me as well. I stayed out way too late. I'm so sleepy even though I took an hour and a half nap before the party. A______ finally texted me this morning. I hadn't heard from her in days because she was so busy with work and finals. Amirah and I spoke tonight. We both have serious problems we needed to discuss. 

Johan Barrios

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Perfection


I had another long day at work. I'm home now, and I just want to go to sleep. It will be a relief when this workweek is over. Amirah sent me an article today that talked about the ideal partner being someone who strives for perfection with something but never actually believes perfection is possible. I've said many times that what I'm looking for is someone who loves something that they do, but I think this is more accurate. It's like with writing. I'll keep trying for the rest of my life because I know it can always be better.  

Mojo Wang

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Fantasy


I woke throughout the night and finally got up at 02:30 and went to work. I worked until 15:30. Miraculously, I dragged myself to the gym after that and had a good workout. On the drive home I had this fleeting fantasy of sitting in a lounge with someone I love, drinking Scotch and smoking cigarettes, while Antony Hegarty plays the piano and sings. I don't know why that daydream came to mind. I won't ever drink or smoke again, but the image was still nice. Andrea messaged me this afternoon to let me know she arrived in Austria okay.

Antony Hegarty
            


Monday, December 15, 2014

16:10


I woke up at 01:30. It's now 16:10 and I'm still at work. It's been a long workday. I worked for hours but don't feel like I got enough done. Maybe it's because I had two meetings. I talked to Andrea between her flights today. She sent me pretty pictures. I also talked to Riley and learned that she never read A Goth Noob Picnic in the Cemetery Where DJ Dumbshit is Buried even though I put her in the book! And I thought she loved me. (She actually does.) Tonight, Todd is giving me feedback on the new book.

Ofra Amit

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Learned


This morning I went to the gym. I lifted and ran off 440 calories. Later in the day I went shopping to buy a bunch of vegan snacks for a care package I'm sending to Andrea in Austria. We've been talking online for the past couple hours. We talk about so many different things. We began by talking about taking music lessons but eventually ended up talking about the European perception of the CIA torture report. And now we're talking about Nanjing. She's so learned. I just got off the phone with Stitches. Now I need to read more Camus.

Kwon Kyung Yup



Saturday, December 13, 2014

Funniest


I went to the movies alone today. I saw the film Gone Girl. I thought it was bad and ridiculous, but I think there's something wrong with me because I found the level of deceit in Rosamund Pike's character to be attractive. I made pasta shells with vegan meatballs when I came home. I re-read Frisk by Dennis Cooper. I had a very nice long talk online with Andrea tonight. My sister told me that the new Maddie book is the funniest one yet. That's the same thing that Stitches said. It didn't feel that way when I wrote it.

Kwon Kyung Yup

Friday, December 12, 2014

Rollercoaster


Today was better than yesterday in the sense that I didn't feel suicidal once. This rollercoaster ride with my medications is awful. This morning was lovely though. I left the lights off in my office and watched the rain fall while drinking hot tea. I re-read some of The Scribbled Victims that I wrote months ago, and oddly I didn't hate it yet. There was even a paragraph I loved. I forced myself to go to the gym tonight. It was difficult getting there but I feel good about it now. I ran faster than I have in a while.

Kwon Kyung Yup

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Cleared



I cleared my calendar of all social activities for the rest of December through the end of January, except for my mini vacation in Palm Springs to sleep and read after I turn the new book over to Kimberlee. I know I should tell my psychiatrist what’s going on with my depression and the urge to put a bullet in my head, but I don’t want the all the consequences. I would be okay to pushing my Wellbutrin dose back to 450mg but I don’t want my Prozac dose to stay at 40mg. He understands medical journals and not me.  

Chloe Early