Friday, October 31, 2014

Single


I received a communication from Disco. It was a single sentence. I saw my psychiatrist this morning. At one point I told him, "I know. It's my penis." I won't write what we were talking about. I've been doing so well with my depression that he told me if I can make it to my next session on December 5 without falling into a major depression he would drop my Prozac dose to 30 mg. We agreed I'm allowed to be sad around Ashley's birthday. In my shrink's waiting room there was a magazine with Brittany Maynard on the cover.

Steven Scott Young

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Intimate


I wrote to the women I've been talking to on Tinder to tell them I was leaving the site. It's not for me. Farishta pointed out that I meet more people on Facebook anyway. This afternoon, I struggled to finish writing the chapter I've been working on. It includes an intimate scene between Maddie's BFF and the girl he meets. It was difficult to come up with things I could describe beautifully in a stupid voice. But then I thought of my crush and what it would be like to watch her sleep, and the sentences came easier after that.  

Venus by David Mramor

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Relinquished


I don't feel single today. I think that's me finally being honest with myself. I admit, I've relinquished my heart and placed it into someone's hands. My friends tell me I should stay on Tinder, maybe go back on OKCupid, maybe even join Match.com, but is there really any purpose any longer? I don't feel available to anyone else and I don't know how someone better could come along. I've found someone I think I could devote myself to. It's nice admitting this because I don't have to wonder who is out there anymore. Many songs make me feel her.

Protection by Aron Wiesenfeld

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Angel


I had a sex dream this morning about one of my friends and when I woke up I received a racy picture of her. I didn't know it worked like that. I had too many meetings today. I feel like I didn't get enough done at work because of it. But for the eleventh day in a row, I wrote a minimum of 500 words of the new Maddie book. I passed 22,000 words today. Christie Bastet is making me a custom doll. It's going to be a beautiful weeping angel wearing a shroud-like dress. Still no sign of Disco.

Street art by Snik. Bristol, U.K.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Three


I only wrote 513 words today, but because of my productive weekend, I'm still way ahead of schedule. I sent Stitches three more chapters to read. I've had six matches on Tinder. I deleted the first one because she was married and poly and looking for a guest star. The second girl told me she doesn't read much. But the third girl I'm talking to is also a writer. I found out which office I'm being moved into on November 1. They gave me first choice between three different offices. Orlando molted yesterday and just came out of her cave.

I saw this on Facebook today. I don't know who to attribute it to, but I like it.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Table


I wrote 3,293 words of the new Maddie book. I now have ten chapters and 21,085 words. The strange part is that I wrote about a third of it while sitting on my bed. I don't usually write well in bed. I dwell well in bed. I had breakfast with Todd and the girl he's seeing. We were out on the patio, but I guess we were being too loud, talking about gym masturbations from Craigslist Missed Connections, because someone got up and changed to an indoor table. I can't stand tables like that, and I was part of one.

Kaye Donachie

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Tinder


I had a good writing day. I wrote about 1,800 words, but 500 of them were writing over things I wrote the day before so I only gained 1,344 words from yesterday. But the important thing is that I got through the chapter I was having so much trouble with and came up with an organic solution for the seashell problem. I had lunch with Farishta. She showed me how to use Tinder and we laughed a bunch. That app is so shallow. I doubt I'll find anyone on there. I finished reading the literary criticism on Lolita I bought.

Philip Jackson

Friday, October 24, 2014

Seashell


I'm still struggling writing the chapter where I introduce Colette. I guess I just don't know who she is yet. I also need to figure out a way to work at least one more seashell into the chapter. I had lunch with Mary. I was so hungry that I had two lunches. I'm getting so fat. But I went for a long walk when I got home. That made me feel a better. But I need to clean my diet up again. I've now texted, left voicemails, and sent an email to Disco, but still haven't heard back from her.

Snail Scott

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Colette


I only wrote 532 words today. I slowed down after I introduced a character named Colette. It wasn't easy for me to switch gears to talk like Colette rather than just being all bitchy like when I'm talking as Maddie's BFF. I need Colette's scenes to be warm and heartfelt. I talked to Salina this morning. She's on board for the typesetting, layout, and cover design. Things are falling into place. I just need to finish writing the text, but I'm on target for that too. Today, I also had a nice long conversation with Tina from Dahlia Deranged Designs.

Tobias Madison

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Love


I wrote 771 words of the new Maddie book this morning. I finally reached the part about love in the story. The text is now over 15,000 words. Stitches messaged me early this morning as well. I didn't expect her to be awake, but she wrote to tell me how much she liked Chapter 7. Kimberlee and I worked out a timeline for the illustrations. I contacted Salina today to discuss the typesetting, layout, and cover design. I received an encouraging email this afternoon related to the help I'm working on for my friend; it made my day really positive.

Gerhard Richter

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Grace


I wrote 702 pages before work. I finished Chapter 7. I sent the new pages to Stitches but haven't heard back from her. I've been making my way through my close read of Ulysses. I've been reading commentary and criticism on it as I go. I have a complete annotation of the book as well but I haven't opened that yet. Yesterday, I remember thinking that I wish there were a god who could lend [her] grace. I donated thirty dollars to a charity fighting malaria in Africa. The person put the money in her pocket. Maybe it wasn't legitimate.

Raimonds Staprans





Monday, October 20, 2014

547


I'm back to writing before work. I wrote 547 words today. My goal is to write at least 500 words per day of the new Maddie book. At that rate, I'll be finished before December. I didn't notice until today what benefits writing in the morning has for me. It makes me feel accomplished early on which puts me in a good mood for the rest of the day. The only downside is that I most naturally write in the afternoon. I began working to help a friend with a serious problem. I just hope s/he will accept the help.

Alexander Tinei

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Six

Today's magic number is six. I went to Starbucks at six a.m. and worked on Chapter Six of The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff. When I got tired, I came back home to take a nap. When I woke, I went to the Veggie Grill for a salad and I finished writing Chapter Six there. I emailed the first six chapters to Stitches. She's still reading them but she's been texting me to tell me that it's funny. I hope so. This evening Paul and I played tennis for six minutes before sitting around talking for an hour. 


I don't know who the artist is.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Video


I met with Ashley's parents this afternoon. They wanted signed books for Ashley's attorneys. I didn't know they pursued a case against the insurance company that didn't want to pay for a specialist. Nothing came of it. Apparently, even had she seen the specialist it would have only bought her a couple more months. Her attorneys recorded a video when they interviewed her. Her parents told me no other video of their daughter exists. Ashley didn't like to be photographed. I don't know why I didn't tell them I have video of her. Her mom gave me a day-of-the-dead gift.

Attila Szucs

Friday, October 17, 2014

Steaks


Last night I dreamed that I purchased a kit in a plastic bag that contained a pipe, a hose, and instructions on how to insert the pipe into your exhaust pipe and connect the hose to run it in through the car window so I could commit suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. I was really upset by it. I didn't want to die yet. And I didn't want to die like that. I woke up this morning laughing, thinking about something vulgar Steve Gaudette said once about minute steaks. My laughter gave way to a slight sadness remembering his death.

Pawel Kuczynski

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Clearly


I'm bummed out. I still can't get a hold of Disco. She doesn't answer her phone and doesn't message back. I feel so stupid being so needy of her, but I need her, clearly more than she needs me. My birthday is approaching. I was hoping to spend a day with her but I'm losing hope in that happening. Her birthday is approaching too. Maybe I can see her then. I received a long email from Andrea today. I wrote her an even longer one back. I wonder if we'll ever meet. I need a break from writing on weekdays.

Hanna Liden

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Surprise


My budget meeting went well. I was able to explain things concisely. I think my boss won't dread our quarterly budget meetings now that we have one under our belt and it wasn't painful. I had a nice surprise today. Kabuki messaged. We've been talking throughout the day. We're planning on meeting soon. I have a gift for her that I got years ago but still haven't had a chance to give her. I'm going to let Stitches read the first five chapters of my new book so I can hear what she thinks so far. I hope it's good.

Miguel Laino

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Spreadsheets


I woke at 3 a.m. and was in the office before 4 a.m. I stared at spreadsheets all morning before two back-to-back one-hour meetings. After that, I went back to my spreadsheets. I worked on the September ledgers and recalculated my projections for benefits expenses. I have a budget meeting with my boss tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. My job sounds really boring, but I find it satisfying. I was pretty tired by the time I left the office and took a three-hour nap when I got home. I really like someone but I also feel asexual. It's strange.

Ryan Sullivan

Monday, October 13, 2014

Back


I was back at the office after being sick all of last week. I received an email regarding a project I've been working on for years. The email suggested something that could drastically increase the workload and extend the timeline of the project. It could potentially cancel my trip to Germany with Stitches. I began writing chapter six of the new Maddie book. I also put myself on a diet. I've gained weight, mostly from eating out too much. I contacted a tattoo artist to see if she would take me as a client for the back piece I want.

Pat Steir

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Tattoos


Mary and I enjoyed the ballet. Our vegan gnocchi dinner prior was good. After the ballet we drove up to Los Angeles to go to Ruin and then to Doomie's for a very late second dinner. I didn't get home until four in the morning. I slept late and when I woke up, I picked up Mary again and we went and saw Marie who is doing Halloween themed tattoos for $31 all month. I got a sad ghost with a broken heart. Mary got a kewpie doll wearing a jack-o-lantern. We went to dinner. I brought Stitches vegan donuts. 

My sad ghost tattoo

Mary's kewpie doll tattoo

The program from last night's ballet

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Routine


I just got back from the gym. It was not my best idea. I wanted to get back into a good routine but I think I'm still too sick to exercise. I finished writing chapter five of The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff. It was a thousand words over what I had planned. I read for a couple hours. I had breakfast with Farishta. She's always fun. I need to get ready for tonight. Mary and I are going out to fancy dinner and then to a ballet. I'm not sure what we're going to do after that.

Nicola Samori

Friday, October 10, 2014

Joy


I've been experiencing moments of joy, which feels great, but also concerns me. I've always written from a place of sadness. If these joyful moments continue and grow in duration, what will happen to my desire to write? Maybe it will evolve, but maybe it will go away. Maybe that sounds ridiculous. But I've had many conversations with my psychiatrists and psychologists about how the more successful they are in treating me the more of myself I feel I losing, mostly from medication. Eckhart Tolle addresses the fear of letting go of pain and apparently those feelings are not uncommon.

This is a picture I like a lot of my friend Lisa.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Ingesting

No sadness is greater than in misery to rehearse memories of joy.


That's my favorite verse from The Inferno. My perspective on the verse has expanded from reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's too much to explain in a hundred words. I feel like I am ingesting this book. During my exchange program at Cambridge University, I took a course on 17th Century Enlightenment Literature. My views on the Enlightenment Era is also evolving. I've read many self-help books over the years, many assigned by shrinks, but this is the first I can physically feel changes from.

Lena Henke

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Now


I woke up feeling better and so I went to work at 4 a.m. I had a budget meeting with my boss scheduled for noon. After three hours of working, I felt exhausted. I emailed my boss at 7 a.m. telling her I was going home and was hoping she'd let me come back for our meeting. She didn't allow it. That Eckhart Tolle book got me thinking about love and what love is. The book says a lot of things I already knew were true but didn't live by. I have been paying more attention to the now though.

Steve Salo

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Dead


I'm not dead and I didn't delete you. I didn't delete anyone. I was taking a break from Facebook and deactivated my account. Paul texted me today and asked me to give a warning before leaving Facebook. He thought I died because I hadn't made a post in three days. I guess that shows the perceived extent of my Facebook addiction and mental instability. I'm back on Facebook today to state that I'm not dead and because I am activating my iPhone 6. If I disappear again soon, it doesn't mean anything other than I'm taking a break from people.

Brett Amory

Monday, October 06, 2014

Teeth


I could feel you inside me today. Last night, I tried writing you a poem, but it was terrible. It was pretentious and I trashed it. My feelings are better than my words. I'm hoping someday I'll be telling you this post is about you so you can see how far back it went. I didn't go to work. I'm still sick, but I've been replying to work emails from bed. I'm getting burned out on apple juice. I should get cranberry. I want a giant cookie. I also want to suck on your teeth, but not while I'm sick.

Brett Amory

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Deactivated


With the exception of buying groceries and picking up meds, I've spent the entire day in bed. I feel sicker today than yesterday. I'm bored out of my mind and don't have the energy to write or read for very long. Today, I've also answered a bunch of text messages asking what happened to my Facebook. I deactivated it. I've been spending too much time on Facebook. I need to write. I need a break from people. Even friends have been upsetting me. I did laugh today. Verses from a rap Gote made when we were freshmen came to mind.

Marco Mazzoni

Saturday, October 04, 2014

Sick


Yesterday, right after I posted my daily blog, Amirah texted me to tell me she was at the courthouse getting married. I'm really excited for her but bummed I wasn't there. Hopefully, they'll have a ceremony I can attend. I had a lot of fun with Elo last night and Stitches was able to meet us at the club. I even got to see Sev. I woke up today feeling sick. My throat hurts and I've just been lying around all day. I'm supposed to go out tonight, but I don't think that will happen. I haven't even written today.

Martin Fasting