Tuesday, September 30, 2014


This morning l___ and I were still upset from last night. I can't tell you why. I talked to Veronika Sorrow this morning. She agreed to carry my books in her store MEOWMEOWZ. I wish Ashley were able to drop them off with me. I wrote about 1,200 words of the new Maddie book. I passed 10,000 words. I took a long walk this evening while listening to The Return of the Native. I'm excited for tomorrow.  I'm having lunch with Stitches. It's been a couple of weeks since I've seen her. I'm looking forward to seeing her smiling face.

Elizabeth Neel

Monday, September 29, 2014


I was emailed a vendor application this morning for WGT. I'm conflicted on what to do. I want to vend and gain new readers abroad, but I don't think I can vend four days in a row. It's tiring and I want to have fun and see the bands. I couldn't expect Stitches to work the whole time, which means I'd have to pay for someone else to attend. It will also cost me at least $250 to ship the books on top of the $800 to print them. The extra costs would result in a shorter trip. Flyer instead?

Skyler Brown

Sunday, September 28, 2014


I opened a jewelry box Stitches painted for me as a Christmas gift the year that we met. I was looking for something unsentimental but I found a pebble I've had since 1995. It's worn smooth from me holding it. I used to carry it in my cardigan pocket. Today, it still felt familiar. I found it, despite the dark, beside an asphalt path M___ and I walked along. I was walking her home. We had sex earlier that night on the floor of an office she was interning in. I wonder if she remembers. I loved her so much.

Juliao Sarmento

Saturday, September 27, 2014


I walked away from the birthday party I attended this afternoon and got lost. B_____, you were on my mind and I guess I had to mourn you a little. I think it was the sunlight. It was fading and I could see the color of you hair in its glow. All there was to do was look at the ground. My boots looked awkward. I don't stand straight. Young death depresses me so. I realize I'm no longer youthful enough to have my own death be tragic by default. How many years you've lost. You should have grown old.

Belinda Capol

Friday, September 26, 2014


Loreena McKennitt's musical version of Tennyson's The Lady of Shalott played on my way into work this morning. By coincidence, Rachel messaged me while I was at work. I say that's a coincidence because I know she identifies with that poem. Rachel and I met on MySpace in 2007. We have the same initials, we're both Scorpios, and we both went to Porter College years apart. We said long ago that we planned never to meet in person, but today Rachel told me she thinks we should. We think it would be more literary to meet in a foreign country.

Marcela Bolivar

Thursday, September 25, 2014


My heart was sliced with a razor today, which hurt, but it's a pain I can utilize. It's a small hurt, but the acute feeling of the wound will help me finish writing the fifth chapter of the new Maddie book. They fit nicely together. By the end of the weekend, I hope to have seven chapters completed. I feel awake again. Maybe alive. I don't know. It's a positive thing and a negative thing to thrive on emotional pain, but I'm going to make the best of it. I remember how much I wrote and wrote after B_____ died.

Sail Uselessarm

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


It's past six p.m. and I still haven't written today. I must do that after I post this. I'm determined to finish writing this book by December. Work wore me out and I needed to nap afterwards. The war in Syria and Iraq are depressing me. The beheadings by ISIS make me feel ill, especially when thinking about what it must feel like to be waiting for your turn. I've been spending more and more time alone, which will worry my shrinks because that most often leads to a depression that is difficult for me to dig myself out of.
I found this online. I don't know who drew it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


Disco declined my invitation to go to Germany in May. She's too busy with school, which bums me out, but I'm glad she has her priorities. Over the next few days I'll be doing research on behalf of two of my friends who need help. I don't presently know how to help them, but I will soon. I worked more on Chapter Five of The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff. I feel motivated to finish writing the text by December. This morning, I decided to write Ashley's mother a letter in Spanish about modifying mine and Ashley's book.

I don't know the artist responsible for this photo.

Monday, September 22, 2014


Yesterday evening I went by Outer Limits Tattoo in Costa Mesa to say goodbye to my piercer, Elizabeth Carpenter. I'm sad to see her go, but excited for her new life up north. On my drive home, my moon pendant on my necklace fell off. I think I may have hugged her too hard and broke the link that held the pendant in the process. It's somewhere under my seat, and I'm just leaving it there for a while because I don't want to pick it up yet. I'm especially missing Ashley today. I still haven't talked to Disco either.

I don't know the name of the artist, but I believe the source can be found at: http://aversvtrix.tumblr.com/

Sunday, September 21, 2014


I'm reading a book by Eckart Tolle called The Power of Now. Jessica Jackson recommended it. It's intriguing. One point I'm struggling with is letting go of the past. I live a lot in the past. It's why I mourn so long. It's why I mourned my breakup with M___ for three years. Tolle expresses the importance of reaching a state of "no-mind." He says artists create from within this state. But I write mostly from my past. My psychologist once told me that life perspectives are different for artists, but I can't remember exactly what we were talking about.  

Saul Leiter

Saturday, September 20, 2014


Stitches is funny. While I was on a treadmill she messaged me this: 
What about ________ ______? Well if she cleaned her feet before she went to bed with you? LOL. I really love her music.
This is what it has come to. I have to consider being with someone with dirty ass feet. I called Disco this afternoon. She didn't answer. It's been a couple weeks since we've talked. I'm still hoping she'll come to Germany in May with me and Stitches. I suggested someone else but Stitches thought she would annoy us quickly which is probably true. Blah.

Alexei Vassiliev

Friday, September 19, 2014


The workweek ended on a good note--I finished putting together the annual budget. I'm glad the weekend is here. I have a lot to read and more to write. I've been working a lot on the new Maddie book. I feel like I'm falling into one of my moods where I don't want anyone touching me. I've begun to feel asexual and usually I only get like that while I'm in the editing phase of some writing project, but I'm still constructing and that's usually when I'm horny. I'm thinking this could be a byproduct of my recent hypnotherapy.

I stole this photo of Marilyn Monroe from my friend Marixa's Facebook timeline. I think it's really pretty. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014


I tried using mental telepathy to make you text me today. It didn't work. Boo. I miss you though. I hope you assume that. Amazon delivered a Lonely Planet guide book to Berlin today. It's really exciting to flip through. I'm looking forward to our trip very much. Yesterday, I messaged Disco to ask if she would be able to come on the trip with us, but I still haven't heard back from her. My fingers are crossed but I'm not holding my breath. She'll probably say no. Boo. It would be nice to have that much time with her.  

Frederick Sommer

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


While on a treadmill this afternoon, I watched this guy pick up on two girls. Acts like these must be easier for those who naturally smile. All three of them wore great big smiles. I've never been a smiley person, not even as a child. I have two friends who make me laugh so much that my face hurts after seeing them because my face muscles aren't used to all that smiling. I remember seeing photos of Frida Kahlo as a child. She didn't smile either. There's comfort in that because she is way cooler than everyone at my gym.

Frida Kahlo

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


Getting hypnotized feels like getting fucked. I had my first hypnosis today and when I woke I was so relaxed that I felt like I just had sex. I haven't felt that relaxed after a massage. It was good. I got to lie down and the lights were turned off and I got to wear sunglasses. My hypnotherapist recorded the hypnosis so I can listen to it every night before I go to sleep. Beyond relaxation, the sessions address five other things I'm trying to work on.  Hopefully it will be fruitful. His monotone voice really helped me fall asleep.


Monday, September 15, 2014


I had another good workout at the gym. I enjoy my body hurting like this. I forgot to mention earlier that when I saw my psychiatrist on Friday he thought it was a great idea that I'm seeing a hypnotherapist. My psychiatrist doesn't do hypnotherapy himself, but he has referred other patients to hypnotherapists. The sucky part about it is that he said that hypnotherapy doesn't work with some people and he's guessing it won't work much with me. I was unclear on his reason for saying so and I didn't follow up because I didn't want him ruining it.

Rebeca Jane Johnston

Sunday, September 14, 2014


I had a very good weekend. I didn't go to any clubs, but I wrote more of The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff, read a bunch, and got lots of rest. I just got back from a really good workout at the gym. I began lifting again today. My body feels sore in a very good way. I tricked myself into wanting to do cardio by taking a suggestion from Nerolista. I'm listening to an audiobook and decided I can only listen to it while doing cardio. I'm listening to The Return of the Native by Thomas Hardy.

David Wallace, mixed media

Saturday, September 13, 2014


I don't have sex dreams very often, but last night I had four, with four different people. I only recognized the third. M___, that was you. You were wearing only a white shirt and I was on my knees in front of you with my hands resting on the backs of your legs. As usual, I woke before actual intercourse. My psychiatrist asked me to double my melatonin dose to 10mg and cut my Ambien dose in half to 5 mg. I slept more deeply; maybe sex dreams are the byproduct. I can't afford to oversleep like this on weekdays.

Helen Pynor

Friday, September 12, 2014


My psychiatrist told me for the third session in a row that I am his anomaly patient in the sense that I am his only patient he can never predict the mood of upon his greeting in the waiting room. He said I appear flat. Well of course I’m flat. It’s a consequence of all these medications. He also pointed out that I have a latency of response, meaning I pause for a couple of seconds before speaking when spoken to. Apparently that’s a sign of depression. But in my mind, I just think before I speak, if I speak. 

Photography by Annett Turki

Thursday, September 11, 2014


I ran into someone who mentioned Gote. What we talked about recalled Gote's first arrest. He was drunk and driving recklessly, doing donuts on the grass at the park. There was a police chase. He lost them for a bit. The chase came to a stop when he drove into a wall. He told me it crossed his mind to remove his seatbelt before impact. He didn't remove it and lived, but was eventually a suicide. On that same night, the person I was talking to dropped acid and walked out of his house and down the street completely naked.

Animated Photography by Julien Douvier