Sunday, August 31, 2014

Redlands


Last night Amirah and I went to The Point in Redlands. It was a warm night so we didn't need sweaters. It was magical. We talked in the dark for hours. We focused a lot on our love lives and what to do about certain aspects regarding them. She's always a good person for me to contemplate the things I'm wrestling with. I hope I'm the same for her. The drive home was quick. The freeway was nearly empty. This morning, I met Farishta for breakfast. We laughed a lot as usual. Tonight I'm meeting someone for the first time.

Photography by Yung Cheng Lin

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Jose


It was bittersweet seeing Stina last night. I had a lot of fun with her as I always do when I see her, but last night was probably the last time I'm going to see her for some time as she's moving to San Jose. I'm really happy for her. She worked so hard on her career and she was recently given a great offer up north. I'll keep good club memories of us. Tonight, I head to Redlands to see Amirah. She's down in Southern California this weekend for her mother's birthday. I've been listening to Trespassers William today.

Jesse Draxler

Friday, August 29, 2014

DEBBiE


I left work early and picked up Mary. We went out to lunch in Long Beach. Then I went home to get ready for the LiL DEBBiE show with Stina in West Hollywood. On my way to Stina's I picked up Mary again and dropped her off in Whittier at a friend's house. Stina and I went to dinner at Doomie's and then headed to the show. It was exciting to see LiL DEBBiE in person. She performed 2 Cups which made me happy. I dropped Stina off, picked up Mary and drove her home. It's nearly 4 a.m. now.

LiL DEBBiE at the Whisky A Go Go

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Competitive


Today was the day of our annual staff picnic. It was hot out and I wore a hoodie in order to protect my big baldhead and the tattoos on my arms. My office won the theme competition with no thanks to me because I was the one person who didn't participate. I just filmed them. My boss always has to win. I wonder how much different my life would be if I were competitive by nature. I just don't have that in me. Many people see that as a flaw, but I care more about the doing than the winning.

Silvia Grav

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Hug



I woke saying your name aloud from a dream where I had the chance to hug you, knowing it was goodbye. That really hurt, but I still wish I would have had that opportunity. How I would have known when to let go, I don’t know. How to let go now, I still haven’t figured that out. I stared into your eyes for a long while last night, listening to The Birthday Massacre. That’s probably why you appeared in my dream. Your mother was there. She was heartbroken. She knew it was the end. She experienced that in real life.

Ashley Vargas (b. November 20, 1993. d. July 29, 2013)

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Yelena


I'm an idiot. I posted on Facebook today that I'm in a relationship. I was referring to me and Yelena Solodnikova. We've made it through 8,172 words so I decided to make it official, like I did on MySpace with Tara while writing Filming Tara Raikatuji. It helps me feel closer to my character. Yelena is the protagonist from my new book, The Scribbled Victims. But now I received all these congratulatory messages and I feel stupid. I didn't think many people would even notice. But truth be told, I no longer feel available so I'm going to leave it.  

Adam Tan

Monday, August 25, 2014

Dropout


My stomach hurts. It's day one off my cleanse and I went to eat at Veggie Grill with Paul after tennis. I couldn't even finish my salad and I ordinarily order it with an appetizer. I've decided to dropout of Long Beach Comic Con and Comikaze. Work has been so exhausting that I need my weekends to relax. Mr. Somewhere by This Mortal Coil came on in my car as I arrived home. I sat and finished listening to it. I realized I was a lot more hopeful when I was younger, especially when it came to falling in love.

Silvia Grav

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Tempting


I went to Jessica Jackson's art show last night in LA. I had a lot of fun. She kept tempting me to break my cleanse and go out to eat, but somehow I managed to stay strong and will be finishing my cleanse tonight. I slept in and Todd texted me around the time I woke and we went to Starbucks to write. He's writing a new play. I wrote more of The Scribbled Victims, which is now over 8,000 words. I've been listening to Bauhaus all day. It reminds me so much of college and living in Santa Cruz.

Echo Morgan

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Lolita


I'm happy. I woke early, went out and finished reading Lolita. I'm still marveling at its brilliance. It's been a while since I've read something that was both substantial and beautifully written throughout. It refocuses my attention toward my own aspirations, even though I know I could only dream of having this amount of talent and intelligence. It's difficult to read the book I picked up after putting Lolita down without being hypercritical of its inferiority of craft. Today I'm working on chapter four of The Scribbled Victims, which undoubtedly will not escape extreme self-criticism in the wake of Lolita.  

Nunzio Paci

Friday, August 22, 2014

Deviating


I'm writing this from bed while eating grapes. My shrinks don't like when I write from bed, but oh well, it's been a tough week at work. I devised some new processes to work with the new accounting system though so hopefully things will begin to get easier. I read for a couple hours this evening, which was nice because I haven't been able to read all week. I'm nearly finished reading Lolita. What an amazing book. Such beautiful writing. Jessica Jackson has been trying to tempt me into deviating from my vegan cleanse. What a bad influence she is.

Antony Gormley

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Cover


I didn't get much sleep last night. Riley was going through some difficulties and concern kept me awake. I finally went into the office at 3 a.m. but I left before 11 a.m. I visited Mary to drop off some things she's borrowing for her Bijou Vixens booth this Saturday at LA Derby Dolls. We sat and talked for a while. She's so easy to talk freely to. It made for a very pleasant afternoon. Something about the quality of the light reminded me of the painting on the book cover of the copy of Dubliners I had in college.

The Confession by Sir Frank Bernard Dicksee

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Delivery


On my way out of a building after a painful three-hour meeting, I was stopped by a delivery driver. The address she was given was 501 Student Health Center. Since the campus map shows building numbers instead of street numbers, she was on the wrong side of campus. I thought of offering to go with her, but didn't want to seem like a creep. Surprisingly, she asked if I would go with her in her delivery van. She told me tons about herself during the drive, which I preferred as I'd rather hear about others than share things about myself.

Butterfly Dress by Luly Yang

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Permission


Artist, Virginia Broersma, posted about my blog post yesterday including one of her paintings. I wrote asking if she minded. She was very nice about it and gave me permission to post another painting today. Day two of my vegan cleanse was easier than the first. Today is also the second day in a row I've taken only a quarter milligram of Klonopin, but I just read about journalist James Wright Foley being beheaded by ISIS and I saw the footage. I may need another half milligram. I talked to Disco today. Definitely today's highlight. I love her so much.

Virginia Broersma


Monday, August 18, 2014

Cleanse


Today is day one of my vegan cleanse. I've had two of my three daily shakes; I didn't like the taste of the second one much. All I can have in addition to the shakes are raw fruits and vegetables. You don't know how badly I want a Berkeley Vegan pizza from ZPizza right now. I don't know if I'm going to make it another five days. Hopefully it will get easier. I'm not hungry, I just feel unsatisfied. What I am satisfied with though is I got orchestra seats for Mary and I to the Michael Clark Company Ballet.

Virginia Broersma

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Neapolitan


I'm eating vegan Neapolitan ice cream. It's my farewell treat as tomorrow morning I will begin a six day Kaeng Raeng vegan cleanse. I'm not doing so well on my Klonopin detox. I've cut back to quarter milligram doses, but I still haven't taken less than a half milligram in a day. I'll keep trying. I feel out of touch with some of my closest friends. I feel closer to Yelena and Orly, and they're fictional characters of mine. I feel especially cut off from Disco. I don't know how to reconnect with her and she's very important to me.

Sam Wolfe Connelly

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Calendar


It took two hours to write 1,003 words of chapter four of The Scribbled Victims. That's not much, but it wore me out. I think it's because I introduced a new character named Hisato, and I haven't fully found his voice yet. Even though I've communicated with friends today, I feel lonely. I'm interested in someone I can't be with. That's most of it, I guess. I went outside for a few minutes today. That was good. Disco was in my calendar all day today, but I don't think it's going to happen. I haven't heard from her for days.

Sam Wolfe Connelly

Friday, August 15, 2014

Weekend


I'm typically not one to celebrate the coming of a weekend, but today I am so glad the workweek is over. This week has been particularly draining at the office. I saw my psychiatrist this morning, and like my psychologist on Wednesday, he was very pleased. I'm going to drop to a quarter milligram of Klonopin and five milligrams of Ambien. This afternoon, I picked up Mary and we went to the gym together. It was fun. We lifted and then we rode stationary bikes for forty minutes. My intention this weekend is to capitalize on my current writing momentum.

Sam Wolfe Connelly

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Frustration


I had yet another frustrating day at work today. In fact, this week has been full of frustration at work. The new accounting system continues to present problems and things feel like they're going to snowball into a state where our financial position will be a complete uncertainty. Although I have a lot I should be doing, after work, I just took a nap. At least I didn't pop a pill and sleep until morning. It's just really discouraging to work with an accounting system everyone is still trying to figure out when transactions continue to pour in as usual.  

Sam Wolfe Connelly

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Relief


My psychologist was happy from our session today. My depression is still with me but is noticeably lifting. My thoughts of suicide have passed. That was a big relief to her. I tried explaining that feeling suicidal wasn't a great concern to me; feeling hopelessness far outweighed it. I don't know if she understood. I didn't expect the anniversary of Ashley's death to renew the hurting inside me as much as it did. We talked about bringing someone with me the next time I visit her, someone who didn't know her. After my session I met Mary for vegan nachos.

Annie Owens

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Relevant


How is this for a confidence boost? I was talking to someone new on Facebook today and during our conversation she realized she knew who I was because she's read two of my books. It felt really good to know someone I didn't know on the other side of the country read what I wrote. She told me she was "fangirling" referred to me as "relevant." That of course is untrue but it inflated my head a little for a few minutes. So, I'm kind of like almost like, in a certain respect, a writer and like shit like that.

Lin Tianmiao

Monday, August 11, 2014

Workload


I found the pieces that were missing in the third chapter of The Scribbled Victims. I'm not done with the chapter, but hope to be later this week. My morning meeting ran over time, which made me late for another meeting. In that second meeting, I got to see the new facility where I'll have a second desk on campus for the Student Information System implementation. The new space is nice. I am concerned about the workload on top of my current workload. I'm still not down to a half milligram of Klonopin daily, but I am taking half-milligram doses.  

Ken Wong

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Blame


Yesterday I had two conversations about feeling blame for dead people in our lives. I do blame myself for S.L.S. Just like with G.H., who did blame me for his suicide, I think things could have been different had I not left my life in Southern California for school in Santa Cruz. Yet those were the happiest years of my life. This afternoon, I was thinking about B_____. I was gone when she died too. That's the real reason why I don't like going to Hawaii even though I have so much family there. Again, things could have been different.

Serban Savu

Saturday, August 09, 2014

Makeup


Today was fun. I went to Scare LA with Stitches, Mary Zaint, and Jessica Jackson. Stitches and Mary did a zombie makeup class. Stitches came in first place and Mary came in second. Mary used me as her model. It was strange--having all that make up on made me less self-conscious of being in front of people and being photographed. I bought books and gifts. Afterwards we went to Veggie Grill for dinner and then to Doomie's for dessert. On a side note, never share nachos with Jessica Jackson as she takes all the chips with the most cheese.

Mary applying makeup to my big head


The Winner's Circle

Close up

Friday, August 08, 2014

Bedroom


This morning the framed photo of Ashley that I keep on my desk was laid down flat. It wasn't that way before I went to sleep. I really wish I believed in something. I know Ashley's mother does so I texted her. I wasn't sure if it would upset her; I hope not, but I thought she would want to know. I just got off the phone with her. She sounded so sad. She told me she loved me again. She also told me she took the gift I left for her daughter home and put it in her bedroom.

Song Lee: Soul (2011)