Thursday, July 31, 2014

Drop


I decided not to do any more book booths until I have a new book. That means I'm going to drop out of Long Beach Comic Con and Comikaze. I want to focus my efforts on writing rather than prepping for those events. My psychologist is encouraging me to go away on vacation. The only problem is that she doesn't want me to go alone in my present depressed state. My student worker picked up Veggie Grill for us for lunch. I went to a different Veggie Grill with Mary after work, and then to Shojin with Jessica after that.

Aleksandr Rodchenko

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Worrying

I knew today's session was going to be difficult. For the first time, my psychologist stood up during the session offering to get me a tissue that was beyond the other end of the sofa I sit on. She wanted to focus on what Kurt had written, about Ashley accepting her death but worrying about how her family and friends might hurt after she was gone. Just the week before, my psychologist mentioned Ashley's legacy and I told her, for me, her legacy is pain. But I now I know, that before the grave, she didn't want this for me.

Anthony Cudahy



Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Brevis


Today is one year since Ashley passed away. I brought her flowers, another necklace, and a copy of Gothic Beauty Magazine. I read her our review, which made me cry. I didn't stay long. I knew her family would be coming and I wanted them to have their own time with her. Her mother phoned me later. She asked if she could keep the review; she told me she loved me. I tattooed the Porter College motto of Ars Longa Vita Brevis on my wrists. I thought it appropriate today considering Ashley was an artist. It makes it our tattoo.

In English it's usually said in reverse: Life is short. Art endures.


Monday, July 28, 2014

Arrangement


I think I may be better prepared for tomorrow than I had thought. I just came back from the florist. I picked up the arrangement they made for Ashley. I didn't cry on my way there or in the store or on the way back. The flowers are pretty. I think she'd like them. My shrink was right. I was doing better until this first anniversary started creeping up. More likely than not, I'll lose it tomorrow, but I'll be with her, so I get a pass for that. Dammit. The world is a lot emptier without her in it.

Rosanna Jones

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Nothing


I did next to nothing today. I slept until 9:30, talked to l___ for a little bit and fell back asleep until 12:30. I went out to lunch and sat there thinking for a long time. I unloaded my car of book booth stuff and went and got it washed and sat there thinking for a long time too. I went out to dinner. I had one of my back in college dreams this morning. I used to enjoy the nostalgic sense of them, but recently they've felt overwhelming. It's curious because it was the happiest time of my life.  

Hollis Brown Thornton, A Room of Ghosts

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Hollows


Last night was super fun. I went to Release the Bats and met Stitches, Shane, and Jessica Jackson there. I danced a lot. A band called Ssleaze put on a great performance. After I got home, I only got two hours of sleep before having to run my book booth at Hollows Market, all day in the heat. I sold many more books than expected and gained many new readers. My booth was next Kaira Th1rte3n's so that made the day fun. Also Jax came and Mary brought me lunch and Sebastian kept me company for much of the afternoon.

Joseba Eskubi


Friday, July 25, 2014

Square



This day last year was the last time I saw you. I sat beside your bed for hours but I didn’t know you would be gone three mornings later. You received communion. I can still feel your hand gripping mine. This will sound stupid but, in retrospect, I wish I would have held your hand differently. Something about it felt too square, if that makes any sense. I’m so sorry I failed you. You never got to hold our book. Watching your expression change during last rites is undoubtedly the hardest thing I’ve had to endure. I’ll see you Tuesday.

Ceramic Sculpture by Sergei Isupov

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Anniversary


"She can't possibly know how much I miss her because she doesn't exist." I said that to my psychologist today. Ashley's anniversary on Tuesday is ripping me apart from the inside out. We talked about how I don't know how to get past this. That scene where Ivy is talking to nobody at Raven Oblivion's grave, telling him she can't visit him anymore because she can't heal, is borrowed from a conversation I had at B_____'s grave with nobody. I fear the only way I'm going to stop hurting is to forget and I don't want to forget. Not ever.

Anatol Knotek

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Secrets



It’s the late afternoon right now and I still haven’t needed to take a single Klonopin today. That’s really encouraging because I’ve needed them too much lately. It’s also surprising because work has been stressful and I nearly cried during lunch with Cynthia. It was a really good lunch. We shared secrets. I told her about my S.A.D. and talked about Ashley and B_____. I even said B_____’s name aloud. I don’t know how many years it’s been since I’ve said that. She told me a beautiful secret too that I obviously can’t share in my blog because it’s secret. 

Stefan Zsaitsits

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Cognizant


I had one of the two most unpleasant days at work in the nearly ten years I've worked for the university. I shouldn't talk about it here so I won't, but it just wasn't fun. I put it away after work though. I talked Mary into meeting for a quick lunch as she had a lot of work to do and I had a lot to write, but we didn't do such a good job of making it quick. I think we were there for nearly four hours. I do enjoy talking with her though. She's cognizant of many things.  

Photo by Miss Aniela



Monday, July 21, 2014

Gauge


Today was okay. I only took one Klonopin. I called Disco, but she didn't answer. My piercer took the four barbells out of my right helix. They weren't properly and it's mostly because I didn't take good care of them. We'll let them heal over and pierce again or I'm even thinking of tattooing there. She also stretched my septum. I have a 12 gauge in my nose now. I worked on The Scribbled Victims this afternoon. I still like how it's shaping up, but I'm only in the second chapter.  It feels exciting. Feeling accomplished works better than Prozac.

Felix Hemme

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Indefinitely


My friends must feel I've been behaving strangely lately. I've canceled plans and declined invitations. I told Paul I needed to cancel our Sunday morning chess game indefinitely. Yet, I've been going out a lot. I've been reading in public. I've been going to exercise classes. Last night I went to a club and dinner with Nusa; it was the first time we ever hung out, if you're wondering how that fits the profile. Loneliness is lonely, but it keeps me from talking about things that hurt. Those I save for my shrinks; my friends don't like to hear them.

Installation by Lawrence Carroll


Saturday, July 19, 2014

Impuissant


I doubled my sleeping medication last night. What you said hurt, but I understand; I feel the same way toward you--impuissant to help you no matter how many hours I ponder over you, no matter how much I read, no matter how much I talk to my therapist about you. I have to be selective with whom I share this part of my life with, and I chose you. But from your answer, we are better off without. How disappointing for that to be true. I don't know what to do now. What is our friendship without these things?

Wire Sculptures by Robin Wight

Friday, July 18, 2014

Glimpse



My psychiatrist tried so hard today. I got a glimpse at the struggle he puts himself through trying to understand my S.A.D. We talked for a long time. Over an hour which is long for a psychiatrist when you’re already seeing a psychologist. He wanted to talk about suicide extensively. Eventually, I had to tell him that the conversation was making me want to commit suicide and that I wasn’t saying that to be funny. As much as he annoys me sometimes, I do know he’s a good doctor and especially good to me. My Wellbutrin tattoo made him laugh. 

Porcelain Bust by Ah Xian



Thursday, July 17, 2014

Miss


Disco, I just tried calling you again. Your voice isn't even heard on your voicemail. That would at least be something. I miss you a lot. Being in contact with you so sporadically has been difficult. I know your state of mind right now, so I get it, but I still wish I could see you. If you happen to see this, contact me; I don't care how. Also, I want us to take a vacation. I think it would do both of us good to get away from everything, especially people. You're still my favorite person in the world.


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Belt


I met with the Controller again this morning. My fiscal closing is complete two days early. Yay me. I also finished the script I was writing. I just handed it over, over dinner, and received my final payment for it. I'm expecting there to be rewrites so I might not be completely done, but it feels good to have that and fiscal closing under my belt. That's probably why I only took one Klonopin today. Now I can focus back on the new Maddie book and The Scribbled Victims, and start thinking about where I want to take my vacation.  

Rafa Castells