Wednesday, April 30, 2014


I'm writing this post from the same table at the same restaurant that I wrote yesterday's blog. I ate alone yesterday, but today I'm waiting for Peter. I'm turning in the first act of the screenplay I'm writing for him. I hope he doesn't hate it. I'm not certain if the story is too implausible. That makes me wonder what can be told about a person's personality based on their level of suspension of disbelief. Are they more creative? Pleasure seekers? Who knows? The relationship questions on my page seem to be winding down. I received book questions today.

Nicola Samori

Tuesday, April 29, 2014


Table for one. That's where I'm writing this from. I need my alone time right now. I just argued with Stitches again. I love that girl so much that when we fight it makes me sick. There is so much tension and stress between us as a result of my falling out with Giggles. I honestly don't know how this is going to play out. I was writing so well today too. Now I can't find the strength to write the last two scenes. l___ thinks I should just keep to myself, which really means hanging out with only her.

Jonathan Munro

Monday, April 28, 2014


I went to work sleepy. I got lots done, but could have done more. I'm old. It takes time to recover from a full weekend. I regret blogging about my sex life. We laughed about it in bed; she said she was looking forward to appearing in my blog; I thought it would make a fun post. But I've received a lot of questions on my page about it, and some criticism as well. I was called a slut. I was also notified that someone performed this Google search: "ask fm deadponies robert tomoguchi." I've made things too public.

Waiting, Brett Amory

Sunday, April 27, 2014


Last night I was told I was a good kisser. A couple hours later, I was told I was good in bed. So yes, I finally had sex after about eighteen months. I won't say with whom--she knew I was going to blog about it, but I'm not sure she wants others all up in her business. Her iPod stopped working so we listened to an 80s station on her tv.  Physical by Olivia Newton John played while we were, yeah, and all we could do was laugh. I described the video to her. It was a fun night.


Saturday, April 26, 2014


I woke up when it was still dark out and went to coffee so I could write. I wrote more of the screenplay I'm being paid to write. I feel good, I'm writing nearly every day. When it becomes everyday I'll be feeling even better. Later, I had lunch and coffee with Holly. We talked for about three and a half hours. That was nice. She told me how she believed in unicorns until she was in her teens. I revealed something to her about my work crush. Now I'm home. I'm getting ready to go out for the night.

John Knuth

Friday, April 25, 2014


I worked another short day, but I still had forty hours for the week. I had a two-hour meeting in the morning where I think someone was flirting with me. I can't be sure, but she asked me for my card so I guess I'll see. I spoke to Elo on the phone; it had been a while. Our talk was serious. I worry about her, but she's strong; she always takes care of her shit. Still, I hope we don't have a lapse in communication again, especially now that she's back in LA. I can't wait to see her.

Tyeb Mehta

Thursday, April 24, 2014


I left work an hour early today. I was sleepy and I have ten overtime hours this pay period. I didn't go to sleep after I left though. I went to the gym and lifted and ran on the treadmill. After that I came home, made a protein shake, and took a shower before sitting down to write. It's going to be a very busy weekend socially. On top of that, I committed to turning in the first act of my new screenplay on Sunday, so getting that done will occupy me for the rest of my weekend. That's all.

Emily Callahan

Wednesday, April 23, 2014


Today was good. I got a lot done and have everything at the office under control. I was scheduled for a three-hour meeting late in the day. I wasn't looking forward to it but at least I had the hopes of seeing my work crush there. She wasn't there. I left after ten minutes. Not because she wasn't there, but because the information being covered was already covered at an eight-hour meeting I went to last week. I probably would have sat through it if she were there though. I'm going to ask her out soon. Soon. Not today though.

Jordi Benito, die partituren des wannsees, 1992

Tuesday, April 22, 2014


I woke up at 2:30 this morning and went to work. I had a good day working with my boss and our new office manager. After work I went to the gym. I lifted some and then ran on the treadmill. I feel good. I had an argument with Jessica. That was the low point. I'm sure we'll be fine, we care about each other so much, but it hurts to fight with her. After the gym, I ate and showered, and then sat down to write. I'm having fun writing dialogue for Katja in the screenplay I'm working on.

My favorite artist, Franz Kline. Black, White, and Gray, 1959. Oil on canvas

Monday, April 21, 2014


Our new office manager started today. That's a very good thing. The workload I'll be able to shed will hopefully mean no more twelve hour days and my life will go back on schedule. I went to the gym today for the first time since December. I'm sore but it feels good. Now if I could write and read every day, I'll be happy. I came across a receipt today from something I sent Ashley in 2011 before she got so sick. The student worker who helps me scanned it for my digital archives, but I couldn't shred the original.

Ryan Hewett

Sunday, April 20, 2014


Today is resurrection day for people in my family, but you taught me long ago that dead is forever. Maybe they'd see the world differently if they had lost someone who meant what you meant to me in a cruel and random way. For years I laid down beside remnants of your living self. You taught me loss and how to mourn. Every day of mine since the night of your accident has been shaped by your death. It's changed how I see things and how I relate to the world and especially those in it. You're my first love.

Laurence Demaison

Saturday, April 19, 2014


I slept in a little this morning. At seven, I went to Starbucks to write for three hours. I wrote more of Book 4 and then I wrote the opening scenes of the screenplay I'm getting paid to write. I think the pages came out pretty good. After that, I took myself out to lunch, and then went home and wrote for two more hours. Then I took a half hour nap before meeting Paul for tennis. We only played one game and left. Tonight, I shaved my head and everything else and then took myself out for vegan cake.

Pete Hawkins

Friday, April 18, 2014


I am worn out. I worked a twelve hour day nonstop. That's what happens when I'm working on the same project as my boss. I arrive early and leave early. She arrives late and leaves late. So I have to adjust to her schedule which makes for a long day. My friend Imelda from Salamanca, Spain wrote to me today. She's sending me something and I'm sending her a book. I want to talk to Ashley. Maybe I'll go visit her. I have so much to write this weekend, but I also need to rest. It's been a long week.

Duarte Vitoria

Thursday, April 17, 2014


I really need higher self-esteem. I just received some nasty messages online from someone I don't know telling me how ugly and gross and old I am. If I had higher self-esteem, I imagine it wouldn't bother me as much. But I don't, so it does. I can hear my shrink giving me the advice I know she would give. I had a very long day today. I had an all day meeting. This week I began to crush on someone who works on campus. She was at the meeting too so that was nice. I'm too tired to write.

Lori Hersberger, Take Me Where You Want

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


I'm reading Ham and Rye by Charles Bukowski. I really appreciate the read. Bukowski is skilled at painting a picture with few words and short sentences. I'm not comparing my writing to his, but reading his writing makes me feel better about my own. I've been told repeatedly over the years that I don't describe enough or give my audience enough. Show not tell bullshit and I don't want to write like that. Some writers are very skilled at it, others just drown their sentences with adverbs and adjectives. The worst is when it's done in a first person narrative.

Mark Posey

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


I'm happy again today. I went to work at 3 a.m. and got so much done. Plus we finally hired an Office Manager so, after a year, I will finally get to shed these extra duties I have been shouldering. My personal and work to do lists are very long, but now that I'm healthy again I'm getting caught up quickly. Kimberlee, I'm mailing your Maddie shirt tomorrow, and Sandrula, I am finally mailing you books. Sorry for the delay. I talked to Stitches today, that made me happy too. And I had a crazy conversation with Riley this morning.

Richard Long, Waterfall

Monday, April 14, 2014


I'm very happy today. I finally returned to work. It was nice to feel productive again. I'm still way behind, but by the end of the week I should have everything under control. I met with my boss for nearly two hours. I missed her. This afternoon, I spent most of my writing time making a day-by-day schedule for Maddie's BFF. All the different days in the story began to mix me up and this helped keep the plot in sequential order. I talked to Disco for the first time in many days last night. That also made me happy.

Christer Karlstad

Sunday, April 13, 2014


When I finally get your attention, I don't know how to hold onto it. You tell me I'm never bothering you, but I'm bothered by the frequency in which I interrupt your day. Worse is the number of times I want to interrupt it but don't out of restraint for fear of becoming a pest. When you initiate I have a codpendently good day. I'm fucking psycho. I think you just haven't noticed yet. There's nothing I actually need. It's all just want, want, want. How do I tell you this? I don't know. You don't even read my blog.

Ali Cavanaugh

Saturday, April 12, 2014


I killed my internet, put on some opera, and wrote nearly the entire second chapter of The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff. I have good momentum right now with that story. I've been thinking about this other story I was putting together that I was going to write under a pen name and decided not to write it after all. I wasn't writing for me with that story. I was trying to write something I thought would make money. But I've made that mistake before and ended up with a piece I didn't like that didn't go anywhere.

Macssime Simon

Friday, April 11, 2014


I spent my afternoon and evening reading books. When I was younger literature would inspire me to become a better writer. In those years I thought by my present age I would have become the writer I wanted to be. Reading the books I read today, I realized how far I am from that expectation. I still don't have the skill of the writers I read and I no longer feel like I have copious amounts of time in which to improve. I feel myself considering the resignation to a life unfulfilled. It makes me long to be dead soon.

Jeremy Mann, Rooftops in the Snow (2014)

Thursday, April 10, 2014


Today is a good day. My illness continues to fade. It's still with me, but I know I'm getting better. I was able to write today. I finished writing the first chapter of the new Maddie book. I'm hoping this will be some sort of jumpstart for me to write prolifically. I also changed my desktop picture to a different photo of Ashley, one where she isn't in the hospital. I've had the same photo of her on my desktop since she was in the hospital. It's nice to see her healthy and tiled beside my manuscript while I write.

Bruno Walpoth

Wednesday, April 09, 2014


Another day in bed, but I'm finally starting to feel better. I need to make sure I don't go back to work too soon because I tend to do that and then relapse. I had a nice thought this afternoon--this year will be twenty years that I've known my BFF. That's really special. I watched Some Like It Hot for the first time today. I liked it. I was especially excited when it looked like Joe and Sugar were going to end up apart. I love those kinds of endings. I feel more from them. But they ended together.

Livio Scarpella

Tuesday, April 08, 2014


I went to the doctor again today. I haven't developed sinusitis or pneumonia so that's good, but he told me he can't give me an antibiotic and that I need to just wait this out and keep resting. I'm super bummed. I want to go back to work so badly. On the upside of things, the producer who hired me to write that indie script liked my outline so much that he's giving me a monetary bonus on top of what I'm already getting. That felt good. I'm glad he liked it. The Lion in Winter just ended. What now?

The Universe is Coming by Koen Lybaert

Monday, April 07, 2014


My illness might be taking a turn for the worse. That's really discouraging. I was hoping to be out of the woods by tomorrow, but now that's uncertain. I am proud of myself today though. Even though the illness has made me extremely tired, for days I kept chipping away at the outline to the screenplay I'm being paid to write, and I finally finished it today and sent it on to the producer. It's a relief to have that under my belt so I can get back to work on my own stuff while I wait for a response.

I don't know who painted this but I love it.

Sunday, April 06, 2014


Discouraged. Another day spent in bed and I feel like I might be getting sicker. The doctor told me to come back if I get worse in case it turns into sinusitis or pneumonia. I worked on the outline to the screenplay I'm writing for Peter. Write. Nap. Write. Nap. I talked to the mutual friend I have with my crush, who wants us to get together. She might host a group event, which would supposedly be less awkward. Maybe. Maybe not. But I'll get to see my crush. I don't think I'll be in the office in the morning.

Dessau by Marius Pfannenstiel

Saturday, April 05, 2014


I woke feeling worse than the night before. I went to the doctor this morning. I have a virus so I wasn't given any antibiotics. The doctor told me he has seen many patients coming in with the same symptoms and that it could take two weeks for me to feel well again. I've already been sick for seven days, so I hope that means seven only more. My boss told me to take next week off. That was discouraging. I am made to work. That's what I do. Sitting in bed watching movies all day is driving me crazy.

Thierry de Cordier

Friday, April 04, 2014


Projective identification. That's a psychoanalytic term my psychiatrist used today when we were talking about why I mourn Ashley. I told him my friends don't see why it hurts so much. "Out of proportion, but nevertheless real," he said. I said I would have to think about that. We also talked about my falling out with Giggles. He said Amirah's assessment was thoughtful and mature, so I'll stick with that unless my psychologist says something shockingly different on Wednesday. Tonight I finally got to see art by someone I met on Words with Friends. I love her work. See below.

After They've Gone by Kim Collins. Acrylic on canvas.

Thursday, April 03, 2014


I learned today my suspicions were right. My friends don't understand why I mourn you like I do. They don't understand why it hurts more than Maddie's death, Stephen's death, Gote's death, Steve's death, or even B______'s death. Honestly, it surprises me too. If there is an explanation, I don't see it yet. I just know it hurts more. And B_____'s got me close to killing myself off, but that was so long ago that it's difficult to compare to today's grief. Maybe it was your youth. Maybe it was the slowness. Maybe it was because we shared a daydream.

Nick Van Woert

Wednesday, April 02, 2014


A baby cries, the wind blows, and leaves fall onto a blanket. I love when you ignore my meds, l___, but no riddles today. I don't have the capacity for it. Just tell me what to do and tell me when to sleep. This Icelandic music is nice. The film I watched was awful. I'm still sick and spent most of my day in bed. The emails from work keep coming, but also one from Gothic Beauty Magazine. They want cover art for our book, Ashley. We'll be in issue #44. I wish we could read it together. Someday. Never.

Misha Gordin, part of her Crowd conceptual photograph series.