Monday, March 31, 2014


Vacation day and I'm in bed sick watching Jersey Shore. Snooki is walking around carrying a giant bunny head. I thought that would be a weird sight to see in the middle of the night, but then it got me thinking about when I was in my 20s and I was on acid and somehow ended up in Downtown Santa Cruz clutching a giant hamburger pillow. I wound up at some bar or cafe and was paying someone to play pinball so I could watch the ball bounce all over the place. I guess it looked pretty trippy on LSD.  

Mary Jane Ansell

Sunday, March 30, 2014


Erika and I had such a good time last night. It was nice seeing her after what I learned had been three years. We had sushi and then went to a noise show before ending up at Del Taco in the middle of the night. Today, Paul and I played chess, tennis, and had lunch together. I thought I was having a dinner date tonight but there was some confusion and it's no longer happening. Instead, I treated myself to a 90-minute massage. I feel better but I also feel like I got beat up. I'm going to write now.

Jessica Carimondi

Saturday, March 29, 2014


I'm halfway done writing the outline for this screenplay I'm being paid to write. Having this new battery in my laptop has already been a big help. I wrote while getting my car washed. I wrote while having lunch. I just got up from a nap. I'm going out to dinner tonight with Erika. We talk a lot online and via text but I haven't seen her face to face for at least two years. I'm really happy to see her, plus I still have a little present for her from Barcelona. Today is seven days since I've had caffeine.

Daniel Aires Grazina

Friday, March 28, 2014


I put a new battery in my laptop. It's the first replacement I've put in since I bought it in 2009. I'm going to title this post Battery just because Cynthia just posted a blog by the same title. For the longest time I had to be someplace with a power outlet in order to work on my laptop. Now I'm back to having four hours from wherever. This is especially important to me right now, since my psychiatrist wants me to start writing in different locations just to break my cycle. I finished the first chapter of Book 4.

Celia Euvaldo


Thursday, March 27, 2014


My depression is definitely lightening, but the weird thing is that I'm sleeping an awful lot. Usually excessive sleep for me correlates to a depressed state, but for the most part I feel good. I've been exercising, eating slightly better, but most importantly, I'm writing again. If I can keep writing, I imagine I might be able to stay in this better place for a while. I think letting so much out at my last visit to Ashley really helped me as well. My doctor also asked me to cut out caffeine so I haven't had any since March 22.

Jia Aili

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


I ended my session with my psychologist early. I didn't have much to say after a half hour. My psychologist extended my stay, asking curiously if I have friends who think death and/or suicide is romantic. I answered, "yes." She said she didn't understand. I tried explaining it. It amazes me she didn't already understand. She's smart and has years of experience. Is it that unusual to romanticize death or suicide? I told her how romantic it would be to commit suicide while heartbroken and that I would love if people concluded mine to be a consequence of Ashley's death.  

Radu Belcin

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


I spoke to your father today, Ashley. He called to talk about the upcoming conventions where I'll be selling copies of our book. Your parents are so nice to me. They want to arrange coming up to Orange County to have lunch with me again. I wish you were here. Your father saw my Santa Cruz video and talked about your dream to go to the Academy of Art in San Francisco. You had shared that with me as well. I wish you were here to have gone on that trip with us. I wish you had time to enroll.    

Mika Tajima: Negative Entropy (2012)

Monday, March 24, 2014


Your father phoned tonight. For one glorious millisecond I was excited to see my phone light up with the name Ashley Vargas. And then I remembered. I couldn't answer the phone though. I was having dinner with my former employer. I spoke to him about you. Riley went through some pretty heavy shit today. Remarkably, things seem to have worked out. My depression is subsiding. Not having to struggle to write is a real blessing for my mental wellbeing. I'm looking at the photograph your mother gave me. I love it. I can see your hand, the one I held.   

Alberto Giacometti: Man Walking (1957)

Sunday, March 23, 2014


Last night I went to Giggles' and Gothy Poo's housewarming party. A few of us went swimming in an unheated pool. My teeth were chattering but my shrinks want me to do things I don't ordinarily do. I talked a lot to Cynthia and I got to meet her boyfriend finally. Even though I had fun, I eventually became overwhelmed by people and started feeling sad again. I snuck out without saying goodbye to anyone. I wrote today, and Disco wrote to me. That was reassuring; I'm so insecure when it comes to her; I want her friendship so badly.

From Collecting Alibis by Amie Dickie, 2013

Saturday, March 22, 2014


I visited Ashley today. When I arrived, her mother, aunt, and cousin were there. I'm glad she has visitors so often. They had already been there for two hours and left shortly after I arrived, maybe so I could be alone with her. I wept and wept and wept. I pressed my forehead on the glass and just cried for a long time. The sounds echoed through the mausoleum. When I finished, I felt better. I felt like I had just released things I've been bottling up inside me for so long. I stayed with her for a long time.

Friday, March 21, 2014


I need to write a lot tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday. I can't find my glasses. I can find my glasses case. I hope I left them at work. Being someone who has so many friends, it confounds me how alone and isolated I feel. I talk to people every single day that I don't feel close to even when I know they feel close to me. I feel detached and far away and like I'm living a secret life, mingling with people who are no longer there. Maybe it's for the best. The isolation has been good for my writing.

Odilon Redon - Head of a Child with Flowers (1897)

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I needed sedatives twice today. I don't know where this anxiety is coming from. I had a relatively peaceful day at work today and even left early after meeting with my boss. My mood is elevating. I'm not writing a lot but I am getting words down every day. That makes me feel good. Ashley has been on my mind all day. She came up in conversation last night at the OC Goth Meetup. I was planning on visiting her the last weekend of this month, but I don't know if can wait that long. I might try this weekend.

Untitled (Napkin) by Matt Keegan

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


I don't know what to write about today. I went to work early and tried to leave earlier than usual to offset all the overtime I've been working, but then I ran into my boss in the parking lot and went back inside with her to go over my budget projections for her meeting on Friday. When I did get home I made pasta and then I took a nap because I was sleepy most of the day. When I woke, I wrote a little. Now I need to get ready for the OC Goth Meetup Group. We're having dinner.

Otto Wols

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


I've been working a lot of hours and am getting worn out. I bumped my teardrop dermal piercing last night in my sleep. It looks infected. I hope it heals. I don't want to take it out. I overate tonight. It sounds dumb but I did that because I felt exhausted. Now I feel crappy and bloated. Someone should have received presents from me today. I hope that was a nice surprise. I'm being paid to write an indie screenplay. Its working title is Potatoes Have Eyes. It will end up being titled something else I'm sure. I need sleep.

Photo by Daido Moriyama

Monday, March 17, 2014


I'm pretty tired. Today was the last day of the Business Officer Institute. It was a full day of panels and presentations. I signed a contract today to write the first draft of an indy film. I'm getting two-thousand dollars for it. I'm pretty sure I can pull it off and give the producer something he'll be happy with.  I also recently learned that I'm finally being reclassed at work. Soon I'll be made Senior Administrative Analyst. It will mean more money, so that will be helpful. I want to start planning another vacation already. I'm getting so worn out.

Gerhard Richter

Sunday, March 16, 2014


I had another good day, which made it an overall great weekend. I won my chess match this morning, went to work, went to a cafe to read, made pasta, wrote some fiction, read more, and played a ton of Words With Friends. The important thing was my behavior at work. I paced myself and set a single goal to finish the budget analysis and nothing else. So when I finished that, I left the office even though there were many other things I could work on. That's a big deal for me. I always want to work too much.

Ryan Sullivan

Saturday, March 15, 2014


I intended to go into the office this morning but let myself oversleep. I had lunch with Peter, a coworker from my previous job. I haven't laughed until I cried in a long time. I parked near my office and intended to work after lunch, but instead I went to a cafe and read. I'm taking Saturday off, I guess. I'll play tennis with Paul tonight. I heard 'Til I Can Gain Control Again by Emmylou Harris this afternoon. How many times I listened to the version by This Mortal Coil in college. I loved more passionately in those years.

Without a Whisper my Soul Keeps Thus by John Seal

Friday, March 14, 2014


On Wednesday, my psychologist and I talked about the difficult time I'm having writing Book 4. I realized the problem is I stopped writing for myself. That was the whole reason why I started the Maddie books. I was sick of writing for others and just wanted to do whatever the fuck I felt like. Luckily I've found an audience who likes it. I've been intimidating myself by trying to write a better book than the last and pleasing my readers based on feedback. But I'm much better being Maddie's BFF when I'm not thinking about anyone other than him.

Angelica Garcia

Thursday, March 13, 2014


I dreamed someone was telling me people were placing their DNA in vials and launching them into space to be collected by these large containers that would hopefully be found in the future so they could someday live again. I was looking through a book's index searching for personal letters written by Virginia Woolf. I indicated to the person that I wasn't interested, and said, "I'm ready for it to be over." I hold on to the past too much. I'm a fool. In the dream, this plan would let you live forever, I could read Virginia's letters for eternity.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


I got home late last night. I had four hours before work. I don’t think I slept for more than ninety minutes with all the waking up I did. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I lay there thinking about what Ashley’s last dream was before passed away that morning. I felt myself holding her hand again. It all still hurts and I catch myself thinking it will stop because I’m going to see her again, and then I remember I won’t. I wish these notes had someplace to go to reach you. Come back. I’ll bring you flowers soon. 

Ghosttown by Jesper Ulvelius

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


So far it’s been a good day. I didn’t get to work until 8 a.m., which is three hours late for me, but I had a really good day at work. I learned some stuff and got many of the things piling up on my desk out of the way. I’m in Hollywood now. I’m writing this blog from a FedEx Office store. I’m going to see Wild at Heart at the Arc Light tonight with eight friends. That should be fun. I’ll be super tired by the time I get home, but oh well. It’s still a good day. 

Dan Voinea