Friday, February 28, 2014

Young


I'm in Oakland at Amirah's. Lake Merritt is right out the window. Every time I come back up north I want to stay here. I love my job so much but I wish I could transplant it all up here instead of being in Orange County. We went to an Indian restaurant for dinner. There was a guy at another table who was beyond drunk and yelling things like, "I'm not yelling!" He made me laugh. We had a long important conversation about stuff I can't post here. We looked through old photos from college. How young we once looked.

Rhonda Dee, Acrylic on Mylar

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Conversations


My anxiety kept me at home today. I had a lot of emails to respond to so I worked a lot during the day. But I also had time to have many online conversations with friends. Here are some of the better sentences, I won't say which are mine and which are friends: 
  • "I'm hot and ready for you." 
  • "You're gonna fuck him eventually." 
  • "I haven't done coke in a year. Simply don't have the money for it." 
  • "May I ask whose cock is in your mouth?" 
  • "Damn, you sound fun. I wish I still did drugs." 
Love the internet.

Collage by Ashlie Chavez

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Anxiety


I had problems with anxiety again. I left work early yesterday because of it, and left early again today. Today was much worse though. I had to take an extra Klonopin just to deal with it. I don't know if I'll go to work tomorrow. I want to since I'm taking a vacation day on Friday to go up north. I don't know what's causing the anxiety, but today's felt like the beginning of a panic attack. Erika is helping me redesign two of my websites. I'm really grateful to her and excited to see the results. I ate pizza.  

The Origin of the Universe by Patrick Laumond

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Want


Well it turns out that my favorable reading into things yesterday turned out to not be so far fetched after all. I came up in a conversation my friend had over the weekend with my crush. It feels nice to daydream, but she needs tons of space and I want to give it. One of my spikes fell off my ear in my sleep last night. That meant I got to see my new piercer again so she could replace it. I like talking to her. She's very peaceful. I'm working on improving my social media efforts as an author.
Art by Tymek Jezierski

Monday, February 24, 2014

Favorably


Our budget proposal was signed off on today. We'll have increased revenues, which is a big relief. I wrote more of The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff, but it was difficult. I spent a lot of time rewriting the same sentence. It grew with each iteration. It's only Monday and I already feel exhausted. The mutual friend I have with my crush wrote to me last night to ask how my weekend was. That was a first, but nice to wake up to, and of course I'm reading into it favorably just because I like how it feels.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Secretive


l____, why did you have to make me such a secretive person? Riley asked me to tell her a secret; I think she wanted to feel closer to me than we already are. As I thought about what to say, I realized my deepest secrets are things that I'd like to forget. Emotionally, I wonder how different I would be had I been an open book about those things as they happened. Tonight, someone drove by smoking a clove. I immediately thought of Amirah and then San Francisco and then the early 90s. Many of those secrets were current then.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Into


I'm finally home and in pajamas. I spent most of my day with Marie in Santa Monica. Traffic was horrible everywhere, all day long. I didn't mind it on the ride home. It gave me a lot of time to let my thoughts wander. Unfortunately, my thoughts often go to sad places. With Ashley on my mind, I thought about how to work her into the new book, but I don't think it can hold her. Maddie's BFF is looking for a girlfriend and I don't see a way to write Ashley in without him falling in love with her.    

Friday, February 21, 2014

Dark


I'm done writing for the night. There's a lot to work out and I'm shuffling a lot of story segments, but the new Maddie book finally feels like it's taking shape. On my drive home from tennis, I was thinking about why I still talk to my shrink. She's basically accepted that I am who I am and that got me thinking about the uselessness of our talks, and that got me thinking about how I long to love someone with whom I can tell the kinds of things I'll only say in the dark when we're beside each other.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Listener


I arrived at work before 3:30 a.m. I just woke up early and went in because I wanted to make sure I finished my budget forecast. We interviewed two more candidates for the Executive Assistant position. Outside of work work, I'm working on marketing plans for my books. I have a lot to learn but have found some good sources to learn from. Someone really opened up to me today. I feel for her. She's had a rough upbringing. I don't know how helpful I can be to her beyond being a good listener. My S.A.D. persists. Lots of things.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Stupid


l___, today hasn't been a good day. My meds feel like they haven't been working and my S.A.D. has been on overload which increased my anxiety. I didn't bring any of my Klonopins to work because I'm trying not to take them so often, but that was a stupid move. I felt like shit the whole day at work and there was a lot of work to do. I'm home now and still don't feel right. I did something stupid publicly too and embarrassed one of my friends. I apologized but it still doesn't feel like enough. I'm a shit.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Slated


I feel mixed about loving the teardrops tattooed on my arm. They're reminders of deaths, but I love having my friends with me. They feel closer. I exercised today and played tennis with Paul. It was good that we had tennis scheduled today. I was thinking about my crush and feeling bummed out over her rejection. I just sighed out loud. Gothic Beauty Magazine told me mine and Ashley's book is slated to be reviewed in issue #44. Did you hear that? I miss you and I love your face. I'll write to your parents tonight to let them know.


Monday, February 17, 2014

Teardrops


Today was good and bad. The good was that I got more work done on my sleeve--six teardrops with initials of dead friends inside them. The bad is that I was hoping to see Disco but it didn't happen and it was my fault. I haven't seen her in so long, I was really excited about the prospect of seeing her today. I'm trying to convince myself to work more on improving my low self-esteem. It won't be easy. I feel fat. I need to exercise more. But the more tattoos I get, the more I like my body.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Studio


I had a fun night last night with Erika. I like talking to her and our dinner was good. My brunch this morning with a different Erika had to be rescheduled. I spent much of my afternoon working on Ink Bleed Books stuff. I was supposed to have my radio interview today on KZSC, but since I'm going to be in the Bay Area at the beginning of March, we decided to do the interview in studio. I spoke to both Stitches and Amirah on the phone for at least an hour. That was good. I'm excited to see Amirah.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Sweet


I slept in this morning. I woke at 6 a.m. I woke to a message from my crush. She thinks I'm sweet, but it's not going to go anywhere. I was bummed when I read that and went back to bed for three more hours, but at least I didn't take any pills. Oh well. The clock is ticking. I'm sitting here listening to Sonic Youth, but I should be getting ready to meet Holly for lunch. There were things I was going to work on this morning for Ink Bleed Books but the crush thing kind of killed it.  

Friday, February 14, 2014

Oleander


Today is Valentine's and I'm single and have no date. Oh well. Maybe next year. My boss talked to me privately about something possibly on the horizon that would be very good for me, but that's all I'll say about that now. I spent my Valentine's evening working on Book 4, drinking coffee, and watching the film White Oleander. I have a list of films that people told me I need to see, I'm finally trying to get to them. I don't remember who asked me to watch this film though. Tomorrow I have a lunch date and dinner date.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Privately


While walking on campus, I thought of something I conveyed to my psychologist yesterday. I'm mourning more privately now. The dire need to express my grief outwardly has faded. I'm pulling it all back in and tucking it inside my heart, hiding it there. It hasn't begun to hurt less; it just feels more private, just the two of us, one on one. I love you, Ashley. I had an exciting evening. Disco showed me the rough cut of her first film. She has vision I don't have when it comes to film. I'm looking forward to working with her.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Pep


This morning, Stitches gave me a pep talk to ask my crush out to dinner. It's nighttime now and she still hasn't read my message. To be honest that's a relief. It's like the feeling that comes with buying a lottery ticket--you're happiest before the drawing takes place which will tell you you didn't win. I'm still hopeful. My psychologist and I spent most of my session talking about my low self-esteem and why I hate  being in public alone because of it. We also talked about you, Riley, and the connection I make between you and my father.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Club


I was accepted into the Business Officer Institute at UCI. My boss suggested I apply for it. I also finished analyzing a ton of budget information back to 2010. I'll write a report tomorrow, making projections based on what I found. I also began writing actual text for The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff. Before today, I had only been outlining and putting storylines together. I hope this book is received as well as the third book. I'm thinking of putting Ashley in it so I can take her to her first club like I thought I would.   

Monday, February 10, 2014

Swollen


I'm all over the place with my writing but at least I'm writing. I need to prioritize. I should finish The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff, which is Book 4 of my Maddie series. But also on my mind are Forever Candy, The Scribbled Victims, and the secret book I'm writing. With all that in mind, I sat myself down to work on Book 4. I began a mind map for it that's helping me to make the story fuller. A gland in my armpit is swollen. I'm kind of a hypochondriac so I'm worried that it's cancerous.  

Sunday, February 09, 2014

Nipples


I slept in late today. I didn't get out of bed until 1 p.m. I rushed to meet my tattoo artist so he could measure my chest. We're doing this piece that will look like cuts, and in or under the cuts it will say: deadponies. I imagine it's going to hurt pretty good because even my nipples are going to be tattooed over. I spent time at coffee, out in public but alone, like my psychiatrist suggested. It was good. I read and I wrote something I've been kicking around, that I'll write in secret under a pen name.

Saturday, February 08, 2014

Asleep


I woke up early and messaged to Farishta to see if she wanted to go out for breakfast. Then I fell back asleep. I woke up and saw she replied and wanted to go. I messaged her back and luckily she hadn't eaten yet. We had a nice breakfast and of course she made me laugh a lot. I ran an errand after breakfast and then came home with the intention of going back out to write, but I fell asleep again. I'm awake now and am getting ready to go out to dinner with Cynthia and then a party.

Friday, February 07, 2014

Paper


So depressed I laid down on my psychiatrist's couch. I left work early. My psychologist wanted me to go out and be social but it just feels like to much right now. My psychiatrist suggested I go out and have alone time. That way I'm not in bed, or in the dark, and I'm around people but the time will be for me.  Write in public. Read in public. I've decided to stop carrying my laptop everywhere. Although I use it to write, I also use it to overwhelm myself with social media. I'm going to start carrying paper instead.

Thursday, February 06, 2014

Syrenn


A while ago I tweeted about how much I love this song by Syrenn called These Skeletons. Today, I received a surprise response tweet from Angie Carcel from the band Syrenn. She was flattered by my tweet. She was super nice. Since I'd never heard any other songs by Syrenn, she uploaded tracks to her Soundcloud. In exchange I'm sending her eBooks. She lives on the other side of the country, but oddly, I know her cousin-in-law who lives in Los Angeles. My boss gave me a important financial project with a short deadline. I'll try to make it fun.

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

Similar


She's really pretty. I love staring at her face. Yeah. That's all I'll say today about my secret crush. I talked to Riley this afternoon. She's sad and upset. We discussed some things I can't say here, but it's nice that we came to an understanding. There are parts of us that are so similar. I find it strange that someone who is so sad can be the person who makes me laugh the most. I have to keep being social. I can feel myself slipping back into a deep depression and I need to run from it without pills.  

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Spectator


I worked really hard today. I was bombarded with emails and phone calls. I got a lot done, but still have so much to do. I was drained by the time I left the office. I tried to nap but had too much on my mind so I got out of bed and filed more of my friends' taxes. Exciting life, huh? Both Riley and Disco are back on Facebook. That makes me happy; I can touch their lives even when they're busy. I feel distant from my life today. It feels like I'm a spectator rather than a participant.

Monday, February 03, 2014

Fake


l___, you already know this, but to anyone else I'm going to tell you a secret. I'm lying right now. I'm trying so hard to appear happy, but the truth is my heart is still broken. I stare at a photo of her face for so long that at times my eyes begin to read her expression in different ways. Like that, she moves and still exists. I know my friends are weary of it. I'm just not done mourning her yet. It physically hurts. I choke when I try to make my tears stop. I'll fake it again tomorrow.

Sunday, February 02, 2014

Questions


I woke sooner than I wanted to in order to play chess with Paul. I lost both matches. I had tentative plans with Disco but they feel through. Because of that, I had a pretty lazy day. I read while listening to Chopin, and I ate vegan pizza. I also worked on some tattoo designs for my sleeve. I'm still sleepy and wish the weekend wasn't already over. I feel like I need one more day off. I've recently been getting a lot of relationship questions on my Ask.fm page, but today I received a writing question. That was nice.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Sunglasses


It's 3 a.m. I just got home. I had a fun day today. I woke up with my toe hurting so badly that I missed my tennis class. The pain later subsided. I got the four matryoshkas tattooed on my upper arm colored in. Cynthia and I had dinner at Doomie's and went to see the film Her. We both liked it. We went to New Church and met up with Stitches. Cynthia and I wore our sunglasses inside the dark club. I danced. I met a pretty girl. It took me forever to go up and talk to her.