Friday, January 31, 2014

Anonymous


I arrived at the office at 3:30 a.m. I worked on WIKI content. Later in the day, my boss arrived and wanted more budget projections into 2015. I compiled the numbers quickly so hopefully she's happy. I get to see Cynthia tomorrow, and Sunday I have my fingers crossed that I'll get to see Disco. I'm getting my matryoskas colored in on Saturday. I'm looking forward to the sting of the tattoo needles. Apparently someone likes me, or so I'm finding out through Ask.fm. It's anonymous so I don't know who it is. I just hope it's not a joke.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Insulated


I was sleepy at work today. I stayed out too late the night before. I still got a lot done though, and I'm completely prepared for my meeting tomorrow. I'm still trying to be outwardly positive and keeping my mourning much more insulated and away from my social media in the hopes of being more approachable and available. I sold 4 copies of each of the three Maddie books today. That felt really good. I'm hoping my books will gain momentum and I'll continue to get new readers. I booked a flight to visit Amirah at the end of February.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Stand


I'm up past my bedtime. I had dinner with my former boss. We meet periodically for dinner just to get caught up. We always have a good conversation and there is always so much to say and I learn a lot. We'll schedule another dinner in a couple of months. I'm contemplating abandoning the need to incorporate a myth in my remaining Maddie books. I know what I want to happen to my characters and I'm spending too much time searching for myths that will fit their plots. I think I'll just let my next story stand on its own.  

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Finishing


I listened to the song "Finishing the Hat" from Sunday in the Park with George before working on Book 4. I first saw that musical when I was still in high school. I've always loved that song in particular. Maybe it's a sign of having an inflated sense of self to identify with it, but identifying with it always made me feel less misunderstood and something about that has always been inspirational to my writing. I'm posting about this because Stitches told me I've been projecting so much sadness in my videos and posts that it probably scares people away.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Interpret


Thank you for the photo you sent me of yourself today. You looked pretty in your new dress. I didn't expect to receive anything further from you though, as you don't love me anymore. I won't try to interpret. I had a meeting this morning with my boss where I found out that the three-year project I am part of is going to be more laborious than initially planned for. We may need to hire in order to offset some of another staff member's responsibilities and mine. I haven't been eating regularly enough. I just haven't been feeling hungry lately.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Pffft


I went to my second meetup.com meeting today. It was hosted by Atheists United. Their guest speaker gave a really good talk. Unfortunately someone sitting near me smelled like mildew and that is something I find difficult to bear. After the meetup I went over to see Giggles and Gothy Poo. We laid in bed for a few hours talking. It was nice. On my drive home, on the Sepulveda Pass, an old lady changed three lanes just to get next to me to give me the thumbs down and the middle finger because of my Obama bumper stickers. Pffft.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Sentence

The late afternoon sun reached between the bars that covered the window of the small, unexceptional office and held tightly to the hellish heat of a Texas summer, ensuring the soaring temperature of the day would last until sunset.


That's the first sentence of my novel, Forever Candy. It's much different from the style of my Maddie books. I finished writing the first chapter today. I'll send it out for critiques soon. I'm already thinking it's too preachy with its anti-death penalty message. Paul and I attended our first tennis class. It was fun. Afterwards, I had lunch with Farishta.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Residual


I missed you a lot today. I'm very sad inside. I said before that watching you receive last rites was the most difficult thing I've experienced, but today I feel like there is something similar to how I felt when B_____ died. There was residual pain that lasted so long after she was gone. I was cutting a lot then in order to cope with her death. Her wound was deep and honestly I don't think it ever healed otherwise I wouldn't still be blogging to her like I do you with you now. Life is loving and losing people.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Kids


I worked from home because I'm babysitting my niece and nephew while some of my family is in Hawaii for my uncle's funeral. I thought I'd have more work to do, but I received relatively few emails. While the kids were at school, I worked on Forever Candy and Ink Bleed Books. Jessica had a good idea of getting a standing cutout of Maddie and her BFF for my booth at Bats Day. They're going to be six feet tall. I'm working with my designer right now on a button design as well. But I'm pooped. Watching kids is exhausting.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Denial


While I walking to the post office this morning, I was thinking about Ashley and not feeling terrible about it. I just started thinking of good memories rather than her passing. It made me think that I was moving forward and letting go of my denial. Hours later, back at the office, I went to go text her. I forgot that she was gone. So much for letting go of my denial. I feel heartbroken, all these months later. With all my dead friends and my deadponies, I got the idea today to tattoo "Forever in Mourning" on my body.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Fiscal


I love my boss. She phoned to ask me to come back into work after I was already home in order to run these projections of revenue and expenditures based on proposed rate increases with varying inception dates between now and the end of fiscal year 2016. Projecting this for fiscal year 2013-2014 was simple, but the further I went into the future, the more complicated the formulas became. Two hours later, I finished, but when my boss saw the report, she realized it was too much information for her to present. So we scrapped all of it except 2013-2014.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Critique


I spent most of my day reading and writing. I also submitted my first critique on Scribophile.com. I signed up for the site months ago but only contributed to it today. I'm hoping to build up some good writer karma so that I could begin submitting chapters of Forever Candy for critiques from other writers. I'm going to need a lot of help with that book, especially since it's not a narrative which comes more naturally to me. I'm even wondering if it's a mistake for me to write in this point of view since it's so difficult for me.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Loneliness


I don't really have much to report today. I woke up. Got bagels. Played chess with Paul and actually won our second match. I read more Russian fairy tales. I talked to Stitches on the phone for nearly an hour and a half. Had an anxiety attack. Took a second Klonopin, but it only added up to 1 mg for the day so I guess that's not too bad. My loneliness has been bothering me a lot today; I really wish I had someone who loved me back. I should write more of Forever Candy. I know Candy loves me.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

VampireFreaks


I didn't get out of bed until two-thirty in the afternoon. My depression is really bad today. I didn't go outside once. I spent the majority of my day just lying down and reading Russian fairy tales, hoping to find some I can incorporate into my new Maddie book. VampireFreaks made a post today about Goth Girls Don't Taste Like Chicken. That was a surprise. A friend of Ashley's tweeted today that she finally found our book. I hope she loves it. It's not even late but I already want to take my sleeping pills and pass the fuck out.  

Friday, January 17, 2014

Obsessive


My depression is making me physically ill. I've been trying so hard to get past it, but with the excessive amount of sleep I've been getting, I know I'm fooling myself. Distractions aren't enough when, in the end, they always make me want more time to myself. In all my hours alone I just dwell on my sadness and spend a lot of time looking back at Ashley. It's a bad wound that just won't heal fast enough. Maybe I'm becoming obsessive. I was often that way when I was younger. I talked to Amirah and Disco today. Friendship jackpot.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Illustrate


Riley, if you see this, happy birthday. I hope you had a good day. You're among the people I love most in this world. After going out last night, I was surprised I still made it to work before 5:30 a.m. I feel like I'm good at my job and that's satisfying. Michelle asked me if she could illustrate something for me. I'm not currently working on anything that would require a new illustrator, but I don't know how I'd feel about it anyway. I associate her with Ashley, and I think right now that would still hurt too much.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Meetup


An earthquake woke me early this morning and I didn't fall back asleep. I went to work before 4 a.m. I worked twelve hours straight before going home. I'm writing this entry past my bedtime because I went to my first meetup.com group tonight. It was the OC Goth meetup. It was nice to meet new people. I wish Ashley had been there with me. I gave copies of our book to the hosts of the meetup and they really liked her illustrations. I hate doing these things without her. I'm still in denial. I still think she's coming back.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Last


Today was good. I am caught up at work. I had a :[yfA]: conference call with Giggles and Stitches. I texted with Disco. I spoke to Lauren. I began cleaning up my diet today. I ate very cleanly. I motivated myself past all my excuse making and played tennis with Paul this evening and had fun. Wendy received mine and Ashley's book and told me she was glad I put her last drawing in there even though it was unfinished. I never heard it referred to as her last drawing. It made me cry. But it was a good cry.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Linings


Linings. Louis Saint. Dead on the side of the road. Smiliest girl I ever knew. Dead on the side of the road. Bamwood. Eight cups of water. Swatch. Emotional Realism. John Keats. Hundred and forty miles an hour. This ain't Oregon. Are there people here I hate? Thirty dollars; half up front. Floral print anger issues. Don't go out tonight. Dead in the middle of the road. Your hair pulled tight. Bailar. Fitting room blowjobs. Page seventy-five. Chocolate covered oranges too late. Toucan and Squirt. We know. Vodka, vomit, noose. I was mistaken. Most of you here don't know me.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Slit


I played two games of chess with Paul and lost three times. Today is M___'s birthday. Happy birthday, M___, if you still read my posts. I've been reading Russian fairytales looking for stories to incorporate into Book 4. I've also been writing the novel version of Forever Candy. I gave Candy a slit throat instead of slit wrists in the novel version. It makes me feel closer to her. I don't know why I didn't think of doing that before. I've cut my Klonopin dose in half. My shrinks will be happy. To them it'll mean I'm mourning more healthily.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Interview


I'm withdrawing again. I've been enjoying being alone more than being social and seeing friends. I've been occupying myself with books and writing. Yet at the same time I want affection. I got asked for a radio interview on KZSC. I like thinking my first interview as an author will be at my alma mater. I just hope I'm not a boring interview. Right now I feel like driving to New Mexico. That would feel nice and alone and remote. I should make it happen, but tonight I'm just going to start reading a new book. That's all for today.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Sport


I feel weird today. Weird for me at least. I just don't feel like myself. I saw my psychiatrist. We're lowering the dose of one of my meds. That makes me hopeful. He really wants me to exercise. I just don't feel like going to the gym. I wish there were a sport I could play that I enjoy and would give me lots of exercise. But I basically suck at everything and feel ridiculous playing sports. I thought about going out tonight, but it's past ten p.m. and I haven't. Instead I've been reallocating contributions to my retirement fund.

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Chapter


I did something that made me feel good today. I began writing the second chapter of Forever Candy. If you thought I was going to say I masturbated, well, I did that too. It was pretty satisfying. I'm writing in two different points of view. I really love that story so I'm hoping that love will give me a lot of momentum so I can finish it. I also began designing a t-shirt for my Maddie books. I hope to have them ready for sale by Bats Day. I talked to Ashley's friend Michelle. I think we could become close.

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Push


I had a difficult but productive session with my psychologist. I cried when we talked more about Ashley.  We talked a lot about the book I read on grieving. We came up with some positive directions I can try to push myself in, and I put one of them into motion tonight. I guess that's a step forward but I also took 2 mg of Klonopin so that's a step back. I don't care right now though. I was telling Lauren today, I just don't feel in control of my feelings right now. I also feel asexual. But that's depression.

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Ushas


I worked hard today and got so much done. On my drive home from work I had this overwhelming feeling I was going to die in a car crash along the way. (Wouldn't that be something, B_____? Just you and me and rainbows.) I had a moment in the early evening when I felt peaceful. It's been a long time since I've experienced that. It already went away but at least it happened. Now I'm thinking of a linocut I did in high school of the Indian Goddess Ushas and wishing I could live inside its print for a while.

Monday, January 06, 2014

Royalties


I'm pretty good at managing my time, but damn the projects are piling up at work. My to do list is so long that I'm struggling not to stress over it. I know I'll get it done, but it's going to be a busy year. I'm sure that book I read on grieving helped me, but I am still so sad inside. I can still feel her hand in mine. I wrote her parents a check today. It was the first one--the fourth quarter royalties from 2013. I love her so much. It's so hard to heal from this.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Napping


I don't know what to blog about. I had an uneventful weekend, which was what I was going for. I had minor things to work on and I completed them all. The rest of my weekend was spent napping, reading, and going out to eat. The napping will be a concern for my shrinks because it typically points to depression for me, but I am depressed so I don't really care. I feel incredibly lonely and that's my fault because I've been withdrawing consciously. I want attention from one of my friends but I just can't seem to get it.

Saturday, January 04, 2014

Accept


I finished reading How to Go On Living After Someone You Love Dies. My therapist touched upon a lot of what was written. The book taught me not to resent others for not grieving Ashley as much as I wanted to see them grieve. It also reaffirmed what my therapist said--that I'm not betraying her by trying to move on. I was surprised to read that it's healthy for me to keep her pictures up and cry whenever I need to. I'm trying very hard to accept that I can move on without having my relationship with Ashley disappear.

Friday, January 03, 2014

Library


It was a hard day at work again, but I had a good meeting with my boss and she gave me a present. I still haven't opened it yet. I talked to Darcy tonight. I feel confused and conflicted. It's not going to go anywhere, but I still miss her. It's not easy going from multiple conversations a day to none or next to none. I'm drinking coffee in bed right now. I'm going to stay up late reading. I feel particularly lonely tonight. At least there are books. I'm going to die old and alone in my personal library.

Thursday, January 02, 2014

Daydream


I returned to work after three weeks off. I was glad to be back, but it was hectic. I had so much work piled up, it's going to take me a few days to catch up, but I have it under control. The highlight of my day was talking to Riley on the phone. It was nice to hear her voice. She's been so busy lately with school. I really love her. I daydream about being with her, but I think everything we have would change and I like how we are. She makes me laugh even when I'm sad.

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Stupid


I can come up with some really stupid ideas. Three days ago I blogged about writing a book called About My Suicide thinking it might actually be helpful to me. Last night I began reading a book called How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. I thought it would help me with Ashley. The book was making sense to me and I thought, "I better not read this until I'm done writing that book about killing myself." I came to my senses today. I'm not going to write that book, I'm going to read this one instead.