Tuesday, December 31, 2013


It's New Year's Eve and I'm feeling sad as I typically do on this day. The passing of years makes me think about those I've lost and brings an awareness of my own death, which only gets closer. 2013 is the year Ashley Vargas passed away and it has held some of the saddest moments of my life. I'm trying to be optimistic about 2014. I'm already excited to return to work. I have projects of my own which will keep me going. But I wish I had a partner, I want to share everyday secrets and not feel lonely.  

Monday, December 30, 2013


I deleted sentences from About My Suicide today. I'm attempting to include only what is essential to the main thrust of the story. I didn't write any new text. I ran some errands. I bought black teas to further my attempt at limiting my coffee consumption. Things have fallen apart with Darcy. I'm not hurt. I'm still glad we met and find her place in my life during these past few weeks as ultimately beneficial. That's all I'll say about it here. I spent most of my afternoon and evening studying Ulysses and reading Dirt Baby by Stuart Millard. Peaceful.

Sunday, December 29, 2013


My psychologist can't understand why I'd consider leaving this world before writing all the things I want to write. Truth is, the love for what I write often fades as inspiration turns to writing and revision. My plan was to write The Cricket Chute, Book 4 in my Maddie series, and Forever Candy. If I died before finishing the first two, I wouldn't feel a loss. My hope was Forever Candy would make me want to stay. Instead I've begun a new book and I think the chances are good it will keep me whole. It's called About My Suicide.  

Saturday, December 28, 2013


I thought as long as my writing group didn't point out a mass of structural story problems I'd be able to revise and submit The Cricket Chute to Screamfest before January 15. In reviewing the notes I received, structure wasn't a problem but development was. The more I work on it, the more story and character development I see needed. I'm really disappointed, but I know if I force the development into my January 15 deadline, the script won't be good enough. I should shelve it and work to get the 4th Maddie book out before DragonCon. That's professionalism, right?

Friday, December 27, 2013


Last night, after I put the book down and shut off the lights, I began crying in the dark. I don't know what came over me, but I just laid there in the dark feeling the tears fall. I began whispering apologies to Ashley, telling her how sorry I was that she was gone, and that I was sorry I couldn't save her, and that I was sorry her insurance company didn't want to pay for a specialist. I know none of those things are within my control and I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. Obviously. It's morning now.

Thursday, December 26, 2013


I did my usual routine of thinking I'm well before I really am. I woke up this morning feeling better after sleeping so much and so I decided to work. After a couple of hours, I began to feel shitty again. My joints hurt.  I spent most of the remainder of the day in bed. I masturbated though and had a very satisfying orgasm. This evening, Todd texted me to recommend masturbation, calling it a magic cure all. I guess I was ahead of him in terms of the therapy, but I've yet to feel back to normal. Hopefully tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


I've spent a lot of my day sleeping on and off. I can't tell if I'm sick yet again or it's something else. Today is day two of no caffeine and no Klonopin; I've been having too much of both lately and need to cut it out. I'm wondering if it's possible that that's why I feel so shitty. My whole body aches and I'm just so tired. Maybe it's just depression all balled up. I wanted to drive down to San Diego to bring Ashley poinsettias but I just wasn't up to it. I'm looking at her right now.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013


I napped today and mourned you in my dream. I feel like your smile is etched on my heart. Your parents told me I made you happy during those days in the hospital. I'm holding on to that. I feel a certain sense of horror knowing that it wasn't cancer directly that took you; you stopped breathing. I hope you didn't feel that coming. I'm hoping there was no panic. I took three sedatives yesterday just to feel nothing. I've taken none today. I'm trying to face your memory and focus on the beautiful, but it's difficult not to cry.

Monday, December 23, 2013


"I always figured you would." Those words came from someone I love and admire very much. We were talking about suicide. I know many people will be angry with me, but I also know some of the closest to me will understand. I feel like I'm running out of rope. As I said to Danielle, something drastic has to happen to change things and make me want to stay. I've felt nauseated for days. I don't know if my meds are out of balance. I found relief in crying. I cried over Ashley, but when I stopped, the nausea returned.

Sunday, December 22, 2013


I don't know how much sadness I was able to part with while in Spain. Maybe none. But I feel numb today instead of sad. I've spent the day mostly alone, waiting for my lost luggage to arrive and studying Ulysses. I'm reading the text along with an exhaustive volume of annotations. It's slow going but very engaging. I like the quality of light my reading lamps produce. Recalling the looks I received from customs in Spain when they saw how many meds I take, really reminds me how crazy I actually am. I feel like Darcy is over me.

Saturday, December 21, 2013


I slept off and on all day. Trying to readjust to the time difference and dealing with the exhaustion of all the flying. My luggage was lost. I think it went to Columbus, Ohio on a flight I failed to get on. I keep checking for a status update but it still has not been located. I don’t care about the clothes, but my laptop was in there and I need that to finish writing The Cricket Chute before my deadline and the beginning of Book Four of my Maddie series was on there. I’ll lose lots of presents too.

Friday, December 20, 2013


It was a long day today. I was flying standby, trying to get out of Barcelona. I missed the first flight to New York and the first flight to Miami, before finally getting on the second flight to New York. The flight was good though. I had a Business Class seat so I could recline far enough to sleep. I missed my connecting flight to San Diego, it left before my flight landed. I barely missed a connecting flight to Columbus, Ohio, but miraculously got a First Class seat on a flight back to LAX. It’s nice to be home.

Thursday, December 19, 2013


Today is our last full day in Barcelona. I visited the Museu d'Art Contemporani de Barcelona and loved it. I found many pieces inspiring and was especially provoked by this artist's message in a short film about here being the only place there is and that people tend to romanticize by wanting to make here be someplace else. It was worded more eloquently, but it's kept me thinking and seems funny since I'm currently in a city that is foreign to me. Our trip was short, but I'll be glad to come back home and finish my vacation from work.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013


Stitches and I took a high-speed train to Figueres, which is close to the French border, to see the Dali museum. It was one of Stitches highest items on her Spain to-do list. I did not know too much about Dali myself, but I was impressed with how much his art changed throughout his career. Tomorrow I get to visit Museu d'Art Contemporani de Barcelona which is very high on my to-do list. I really love the coffee here. Ashley has been on my mind a lot. I miss Darcy. The duration of this trip has me worried about us.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


Today was my favorite day of the trip thus far. We spent much of it at Basilica De La Sacrada Familia. I can't describe how amazing it was inside. I know it is intended to honor God, but as an atheist, I found more appreciation in the accomplishments and innovation of the design and the reverence for our humanistic religious heritage. Today I ate paella. Back at the hotel I treated myself like a king and took a hot bath while eating these delicious and remarkably fresh olives. I'm becoming ill again which especially sucks since I'm still on antibiotics.

Monday, December 16, 2013


Jessica and I took a bus tour throughout Barcelona today. We do the other half of the bus tour tomorrow. I really laughed today and felt happy riding that bus with her. I did have some down moments though. The thoughts of suicide are still with me so even though I'm trying to enjoy myself, I'm also questioning whether or not this trip is just a temporary cover up. But I have been feeling myself relax so I know that there is some good coming out of this trip. I'm glad we're taking our time seeing only one great city.

Sunday, December 15, 2013


My early morning flight from San Diego to New York was canceled due to bad weather. That sucked because had I made it, I could have gotten on the same flight as Stitches from New York to Barcelona. Her flight from LAX to New York wasn't canceled. So I had to go back to LAX and fly to Miami and then to Barcelona. But it all worked out and we landed pretty close together. We saw more things than I expected we would on our first day, including the Basilica de Santa Maria De La Mar and the Barcelona Cathedral.

Saturday, December 14, 2013


I leave for Spain in the morning. I can't sleep tonight. I have too much on my mind and had too many energy drinks at work. My boss asked that she not hear from me too much while I'm on vacation. I was happy to hear that because she's really acknowledging that there are things she depends on me to get done that can't easily be handed off to someone else. Otherwise she would just forbid me to work at all.  Anyhow, I'm concerned about getting exhausted from all of the flying tomorrow because I generally cannot sleep on planes.

Friday, December 13, 2013


I think I'm done packing for Spain. It took me nearly as long to get all my medications and vitamins packed as it did my clothing. It's weird to feel like I'm off work until next year. I'll work remotely for a few hours here and there while in Barcelona, but other than that, I'm on vacation. People keep asking me if I'm excited, but honestly I feel stressed. What I am happy about is how excited Jessica is. It's really pretty when she's happy. I'm so sad inside, l___. I really hope this trip does something positive for me.

Thursday, December 12, 2013


I woke at 2 a.m. and was at work by 3 a.m. I'm trying to wrap up a bunch of stuff before I go to Barcelona with Stitches. I spoke to Disco for a long time today. It was a difficult conversation but knowing she's there for me makes me hopeful I'm going to get past this depression. Darcy and I talked multiple times today too. We had a set back a couple of days ago, but I'm hopeful that we'll recover and get beyond where we already were. I cried for Ashley three times today. I can't let go.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


I haven't cut since 1995. When I used to cut or stick pins in myself, I did so for the same reason other cutters do--physical pain alleviating emotional pain. I've been sad lately; that's no secret. I'm engaging in self-harm again, but not with razors, knives, or pins. I'm hurting my insides. I'm hurting my heart on purpose. It's like the opposite of cutting and I'm getting good at it. I'm amplifying the emotional pain I'm already experiencing to nudge myself closer to suicide where I won't feel anything anymore. At least I still know I should stop it.   

Tuesday, December 10, 2013


Dear l___, this difficulty persists. I've been pushing people away. Comfort is scarce and difficult to find. It's not quiet enough for long enough. I don't want to be here. I'm doing a good job at being destructive. I know how to hurt my insides well. I can't seem to communicate with Disco and that makes things much more grim. I tried reaching out to her today but I felt scorned by her in return. I don't blame her though. I'm difficult and no fun. I'm going to continue my removal; I'm hoping it will help make my days quiet.

Monday, December 09, 2013


A reader wrote to Ashley and me today and I'm the only one here to read it. I want to share these things with her so badly, but there's just no way. My heart felt like it had been scooped out like the insides of a jack-o-lantern. I don't know what to fill it back up with. I'm mourning hard. I'm mourning her so much today. I want the impossible. I want her back. None of these pills plug up the tears. I need my vacation now. Mourning along with my responsibilities at work is proving to be too much.

Sunday, December 08, 2013


I met with my writing group to discuss the first draft of The Cricket Chute. It went fairly well, most of the changes needed are small. There's just one structural change, but I'm actually confident I'll be able to pull it off. It looks like I will definitely need to write while in Barcelona. After my meeting, I met Cynthia at Doomie's for a late lunch/early dinner. We talked for a long time. I cried a little when she asked about Ashley, but after that our conversation was fun. We shared secrets too. That's always a good thing between friends.

Saturday, December 07, 2013


I had a very good morning. I went to breakfast with Farishta. We talked for three hours. She always makes me laugh. I bought Euros for my trip to Barcelona with Stitches. I began feeling ill again so I took a nap. I'm up now and am just sitting here listening to music, looking at Ashley, thinking about my next two writing projects, and waiting for Darcy to call. Out in the night air I thought about finally trying to write something beautiful. That's always been a goal of mine. Maybe that will give me something to look forward to.

Friday, December 06, 2013


Ashley, I saw my psychiatrist today. I was candid about my feelings of grief and guilt. I could be wrong, but I believe I nearly made him cry while talking about you. I'm still in the denial stage. I keep thinking I just have to wait and you'll be back. Sometimes I reach anger when I think of your insurance company, but it never lasts, I fall back into sadness quickly. I bought a book about mourning and grief. He said the grieving standards in the DSM-V don't really apply to me. Apparently, I'm too far off the bell curve.

Thursday, December 05, 2013


Following that difficult session with my psychologist yesterday, I'm so relieved I finished the first full draft of The Cricket Chute. That's a big load off my mind. I sent it to my writers group. We meet Sunday. I'm thinking of celebrating by going to a club this weekend. My therapist wants to see me going out again, and I know she's right. I cried at work this morning in front Peggy who also arrives early. We share a lot. She knows how much I love Ashley. I have to start healing soon or I'm going to end up dead.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013


My session with my psychologist was especially difficult today. She had to get me the tissue box because I cried so much. We started off covering the usual basics--the state of my depression, my psychosis, my suicidal ideations, my relationships, my job, my writing. Once we got all of that out of the way we talked about Ashley exclusively. I don't know how to make this stop hurting and that is what my shrink was trying to help me with. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to accept her death. I won't take her pictures down.  

Tuesday, December 03, 2013


A young man I met at the clubs died today. I wasn't close with him but he was always nice to me. I'm worried about my friends who were close to him. I know they're hurting a lot. Lauren especially. I have no appetite. I feel like I should eat, but nothing sounds appealing. I wrote well today. I will finish this script on time. Darcy and I are growing but I don't know if it's toward stability. We do like each other a lot though and so we're trying to not think so much and just enjoy each other.

Monday, December 02, 2013


Today hasn't been good. Many people annoyed me. I'm glad the day went by quickly, but I also feel exhausted. I should try to write a few more pages of The Cricket Chute, but I feel burnt out of looking at it and so it's going to take a lot of effort tonight, but I will. I have to. I must make this deadline. I see my psychologist on Wednesday and my psychiatrist on Friday; I actually want both sessions. I wish I had more hours with Amirah yesterday. I wish I could see her instead of seeing my shrinks.

Sunday, December 01, 2013


I saw Amirah last night. It's always good to see her. We always have much to say and reveal to each other. I wish we lived closer. I woke up late today and lost both of my chess matches with Paul. I spent the rest of the afternoon writing and talking to Darcy. I really like having the photo Ashley's parents gave me on my desk. It's like Ashley is sitting right next to me as I write. I need to rewrite all of Clacie's dialogue. Her voice evolves as the script progresses and the time frame is too short.