Saturday, November 30, 2013


Ashley, I just got home from having lunch with your parents and your aunt and uncle. We signed a contract and I signed a few more copies of our book. Your parents were so nice to bring me a framed photo of you. It happened to be my favorite photo of you. I probably looked ridiculous but I hugged it right when I opened it. Now you're on my computer desktop and my actual desktop. My psychiatrist said he'd become concerned if this grieving goes beyond six months. I guess he better prepare himself to be concerned. I love you.

Friday, November 29, 2013


I'm worried. I'm beginning to dislike The Cricket Chute and I've been writing it for months. As it unfolds, I'm beginning to feel that it is too violent, too disgusting, and misogynistic. I'm past midpoint and everything else is just going to fall into place, but I don't know. I don't love it right now. I think I might just stop writing for the day just to get some space to breathe even though I'm jacked up on caffeine. I took a Klonopin but I think I need another. I'm really concerned I'm going to burn out on this script.

Thursday, November 28, 2013


Today is Thanksgiving--my favorite holiday. I realized the greatest experience in life for me is sharing a meal with friends. I've always loved that. I had dinner with Marie and Janel in Hollywood. On my drive back to OC for dinner with family, I contemplated this and also reaffirmed in my mind that the most difficult experience I've ever had was standing bedside while Ashley received her last rites. Nothing else has wounded me that deeply, not even with my pile of dead loved ones. Her looking down and to the right, I still see it in my mind.   

Wednesday, November 27, 2013


I had a difficult time getting out of bed this morning. That doesn't happen very often. I was tired for much of my workday. I'm stressed over the amount of pages I need to write in the next four days. Darcy guessed her Christmas present from me. She was persistent in asking questions, trying to narrow it down until she knew what it was. So she's difficult to shop for and difficult to keep surprises from. But she's really driven, so that makes up for it. It's super attractive. With gifts, I guess I'll just have to trick her somehow.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


I talked to Ashley's friend Michelle today. I saw her at the book party, but we didn't say much. I think I was too gloomy. We had nice talk today though; she told me a lot about herself. We both didn't have enough time with Ashley and feel at a great loss because of it. I am beginning to feel the stress of the upcoming four-day weekend. That sounds illogical, but I have so many pages to write before the weekend is over. I met a girl recently. Darcy. I like her. That's all I'm going to say about her.

Monday, November 25, 2013


I still feel like I'm swimming in a daze. Work was good, I reconciled our accounts and had a one on one meeting with my boss where we both said the F word. But the hours, they just pass in a sprint, and soon enough it's night. I need my awareness back. I have a lot to write this week in order to meet my deadlines. I'm hoping seeing Amirah this weekend will help ground me. I hope I will feel present when Stitches and I are in Barcelona. My sleeping pills are working, I'm going to pass out now.

Sunday, November 24, 2013


Today doesn't feel like it exists. I feel outside of it. I'm observing things around me but the things I'm feeling feel like things I've given myself. I'm daydreaming about things I'm writing, but I'm not actually doing any writing. I have a tear in my left eye that's trying to fall. It's afternoon but I think I'm just going to take my sleeping meds already and just pass out. But if I dream it will be just as though I'm awake. I'll be a bystander watching things happen around me and to me with no choices of my own.

Saturday, November 23, 2013


Ashley, I was inside your house today. I was in your bedroom. It was so you. I saw books I gave you on your bookshelf. We ran out of copies of our book. I tried my best not to lose my shit while signing them alone. I failed here and there, especially while signing your mother's copy. Your mother showed me a lock of your hair and some of your ashes she keeps with her. I cried for a long time during my drive back. Stitches was a good friend, handing me tissues. Ashley, this should have been our day.

Friday, November 22, 2013


It's nearly midnight. I just got home. I'm listening to 1959 by The Sisters of Mercy, if that says anything about my current temperament. I had a good night. I met Erika in Burbank for Thai Food. We had a lot to talk about. Tomorrow is the party at Ashley's house. Her parents are having people over for our book release. I'm looking at her face right now on my desktop. She's not going to be there. I want that badly. I want her back here. I'm going to play the song again. Looking at her eyes make mine fill.

Thursday, November 21, 2013


 I've been thinking about my session with my psychologist yesterday. We talked about my suicidal feelings. I told her there's nothing I'm doing that's making me feel fulfilled enough to outweigh my depression. I've tried explaining this to some friends but they point out things I have to look forward to and mention various things I'm writing. All true, but I think it's difficult for people to understand what a weight it is to live with chronic severe depression. Right now there is nothing holding me here that makes the depression feel worthwhile. That's why letting go feels so simple.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013


Today I added to my history of being a dirty old pervert. Back in 2003, at my sister's wedding, I stood talking to Kyoko whom I had not seen since childhood. Her purse slipped off her shoulder. I lunged to catch it but since she moved too, my hand ended up on her boob. Today at the optometrist I saw Tanya. In the doorway we attempted to hug goodbye but with the door shutting, we weren't very synchronized and I touched her boob too. I apologized and she said, "It's okay. They're big. It happens all the time." Remarkably understanding.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


I had a very good day today. I'm feeling much better after taking the antibiotics. I wore a hounds tooth necktie; I like hounds tooth. I got a lot done at work, but still have a lot more to do in order to get caught up. I worked for over 11 hours without a break, but don't feel tired at all. I'm guessing that has something to do with all the days in bed I had recently. This 2 CUPS song by Lil Debbie has been playing a bunch today. It really does make me feel happy to hear it.

Monday, November 18, 2013


Recently my psychologist asked me to stop listening to music that makes me sad and to stop reading books that make me sad. That's not easy for me. The things I've loved most in life usually made me sad, but they made me feel alive. Even in songs I believe are meant to be happy, I often find something personally sad within it. Historically, the song 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins was the one song that genuinely made me feel happy. I think I found another this week--2 Cups by Lil Debbie. Go figure, rap really isn't my thing.

Sunday, November 17, 2013


It finally occurred to me to go to the doctor regarding this illness I've had for fifteen days. I'm on antibiotics and am hopeful that I'll feel better soon. I wrote very little today. I tried to rest as much as I could. I talked to Riley. As always, she made me laugh. She's really beneficial to my mental health. I've been reading a fantasy novel. I do that from time to time when I'm overwhelmed and feel the need to escape. Stitches and I leave for Spain in less than a month. I've prepared very little for our trip.

Saturday, November 16, 2013


I wrote for a long time today. Although my total page count didn't advance much, the script filled itself out because of an idea I had this morning that would push it in a different direction. It's possible I may not be able to keep this under 110 pages. I listened to a lot of opera today. I talked to Bloo throughout the day as I wrote. It was nice feeling like there was someone there because I've been alone so much lately. I talked to Nerolista too. She said something that surprised me, but I can't share it here.  

Friday, November 15, 2013


How different video is from photographs. I was on my computer looking at Ashley's face frozen in a smile in the photograph that is my desktop image. It made me feel warm inside and so much love for her. But I wanted to see more, so I watched a loop of a video of us taken during her last days in the hospital. Seeing her moving and her expressions changing broke my heart and the tears won't stop. I should turn it off. It's too much for me. But I don't want to let go. I love her so much.

Thursday, November 14, 2013


Ashley, two of my closest friends prefer our book to my Maddie books. That surprised me. Not because of your illustrations, of course, but because the writing style was so different. I was worried people would write it off as precious, and I mean that in the derogatory sense. One of my friends wanted a sequel, but she knew how much that would hurt, even if it were possible. Your father asked if I wanted to work with any of your other art, but I don't know if I could build something beautiful off your visions like you did mine.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


This is so difficult to do without you. Jessica read the book last night. Hearing all the things she loved about it made me cry. I just spoke to your father on the phone. They received their first copy and it was very emotional for them too, especially for your mother. I want you here so badly. How happy these moments would be if that could come true. I'm crying my eyes out. I want people to see our book just so they can love you too. I'm going to be a wreck at our book party. I miss you.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


I was back at work today. I feel better since getting over my flu. I was happy to be working again. I also dragged myself to the gym for the first time in weeks. That lapse wasn't because I had the flu but rather because I've been so depressed. I'm trying really hard to get my life back in order. I'm trying to make things easier on myself with my writing too. I've decided not to attempt to have Book 4 come out by May. It would be too stressful and I would likely produce something I'm not happy with.

Monday, November 11, 2013


I didn't write today. Shame on me. But I just didn't feel like it after writing so much Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Instead I finished reading a book and began a new one. I also wiped out the remaining balance on my FSA card while picking up my antidepressants this morning. I need to stay focused on writing The Cricket Chute since it has the nearest deadline, but much of me is already putting sentences together for Book 4 in my Maddie series. I'm planning to use this title for Book 4: "The Dead Girl I Like Heart and Stuff."

Sunday, November 10, 2013


I wrote until my brain hurt. That is a sign of a good day. I isolated all of Clacie's dialogue and rewrote it all in order to give her a consistent voice. I think it went well. I think by tomorrow I'll be on track to finish this script before Stitches and I leave for Spain. Last night, Paul and I went to see Gidion's Knot. It's a stage play written by our friend Johnna Adams. I've crushed on her for years. It's difficult not to fall for someone brilliant. It's dark out. I think I'll go for a walk.

Saturday, November 09, 2013


I woke this morning and saw Ashley and I sold our first copy. My friend Lindsay in Montreal purchased our book. I know there have been more sales since. I sent out the two copies I had. The first to Jessica, whom I wrote the story for, and the second to Ashley's parents. Her parents asked me to sign their copy. I spent a lot of time writing and rewriting what I eventually inscribed in their book. I cried while I wrote it. I got up a couple of times to cry into my bed. It hurt a lot today.

Friday, November 08, 2013


I took a vacation day from work. I worked instead on a lot of small personal projects that had been piling up. I finished all of them and then began writing more of The Cricket Chute. I wrote really well today. The momentum that creates feels wonderful. I've been listening to Cyndi Lauper's song True Colors a lot today. It makes me think of Disco. While watching the music video I caught a glimpse of something that triggered a memory of my earlier life. It was a time when I loved so much. Never again have I reached that apex.

Thursday, November 07, 2013


The subject of cutting came up yesterday and it got me thinking about you, B_____. I carved myself up so much when you died. I've ever bled so much, certainly not for a single person. Ashley's father called tonight. Ashley's picture appears on my phone when it rings from her number. My excitement lasts only for milliseconds before reality sets in. They're throwing a party on the Saturday after her birthday and would like me to attend. I'll have books for people. I wasn't crying when I began writing this post. It can happen in fewer than a hundred words.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013


Although I'm not completely well, I worked a half-day today to meet some deadlines. I plan to do the same thing tomorrow to ensure I don't overdo it. My co-worker gave me a belated birthday card. The pre-printed inscription inside was a quote from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. My co-worker was not familiar with her work, but I got a laugh out of my death anxiety following me all the way into a birthday card. I'm burning up as I write this.  I bought two more gallons of Gatorade. I have to pee every ten minutes. I've eaten so many saltine crackers.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013


This morning l___ told me it was okay for me to be happy. She didn't mean just for today since it's my birthday. I know she always feels that way but she rarely says it. I'm guess I'm kind of happy. I just feel alienated from most of the people in my life. I feel nauseated and unbalanced. I can't tell how much is from the flu. Some of it feels like my meds aren't right. I haven't taken sedatives for days. I feel uneasy but not necessarily anxious or stressed so I don't know if I should take one.

Monday, November 04, 2013


I left work after an hour today. I think I have the flu. I get a flu shot every year but it doesn't always prevent me from getting sick. I approved the Spanish version of mine and Ashley's book. I cried some today. It happened while listening to songs that make me sad and looking at her picture. Last session, my psychiatrist introduced the idea that I try to hurt myself as a means to ensure Ashley isn't forgotten by me. There is likely truth in that, but I can't yet see the division between my natural and prolonged mourning.

Sunday, November 03, 2013


I used to talk to this girl online who was trafficked and forced into pornography and prostitution when she was in her 20s. I haven't spoken to her since 2011. She had gotten out of it and spoke frankly to me about the horrors of the adult industry. I learned today that she relocated to another country and is working as an escort there. I feel so bad for her, and I don't know what to do. I hate how the harm caused by the adult industry largely remains hidden from the public especially because I'm a consumer perpetuating it.  

Saturday, November 02, 2013


I wrote well last night, but woke feeling ill. I've been in bed most of the day, but still must write. I have 20 pages I need to complete by Sunday night. I masturbated today and came on my own face. That always makes me laugh when that happens. Riley tells me that's really far, but I didn't think so because if I do it a certain way, I can make it go clear over my head. If I'm honest with myself, I'm attracted to someone, but I'm in denial because I know she would be bad news for me.

Friday, November 01, 2013


I wrote well tonight. I'm aiming to hit my midpoint this weekend. I feel pretty confident I'll make it. Today, Rachel told me that she didn't think we could ever be a couple successfully because she feels we'd end up in a suicide pact. Maybe that's true, but I love her anyway. I guess we will still intentionally never meet. The sad part is that this isn't the first time I've been told that as a reservation about being with me. I've been offered multiple pacts by friends too. I guess I should feel popular when it comes to dying.