Thursday, October 31, 2013


I passed out candy tonight to trick-or-treaters. I love seeing the costumes. I read a book between groups of kids arriving. I'm reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower because it's Wendy's favorite book. There was some stuff about LSD in it I enjoyed. It mentions The Catcher in the Rye many times as well. Wendy hasn't read that book so I ordered her a copy. She's in Las Vegas now, but it will be waiting for her when she gets home. I feel particularly lonely today, l___. I feel so detached from people but I don't always mind it.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


I spoke to Ashley's parents on the phone today. They're leaving it up to me to decide on the retail price of our book. There's a minimum of $11.22 I'm required to charge to cover printing costs since the book is in color. I'm going to set the retail at $11.99. I don't care about the money. I want the book to be as accessible as possible. Her parents invited me to a family gathering when the book comes out. I'm crying so much right now, but I'm really happy that they know how much their daughter meant to me.  

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


My budget and financial presentation to the Assistant Vice Chancellor went well today. Even though I was the bearer of bad news he said I should feel proud of myself for figuring out all that I did in reconstructing previous fiscal years. I think my boss was proud of me; I was able to answer every probing question that was thrown at me. I also wrote to Ashley's parents today to talk to them about retail pricing and royalties. I want their input and am waiting to hear back from them. I'm really tired now and took my meds early.

Monday, October 28, 2013


When we listened to Russian radio and danced together on the pier. When we drove 140 miles an hour and I let go telling myself, "If it happens, it happens." When we couldn't wait to finish unpacking and we fucked on those boxes. When you stood on the sidewalk and hugged the pages I wrote. When you looked down at your feet and smiled with your hair pulled tight. When we grabbed two shovels and drove out to the desert. All of those things and more will die when we do. And in half these equations, we're already half dead.

Sunday, October 27, 2013


This morning, I visited Ashley. I brought the proof copy of our book and opened it in her mausoleum so she would be the first to see it. I wept while I was there. I broke down. I'm not accustomed to crying in public, especially not sobbing, but at least the mausoleum was nearly empty. I brought her yellow gerbera daisies. I was mean to Lauren later in the day. I'm so ashamed now. I've been under so much pressure and have been hurting so much and I forgot to bring my anxiety meds with me and I lost it.

Saturday, October 26, 2013


I've been in pajamas all day. I had four coffees and wrote for hours. I'm pages shy from where I need to be, but structurally my script continues to strengthen. I could go out tonight but I don't think I will. My night has been too pleasant, listening to Chopin. I don't want to change that. I'm going to stop writing now. Today, Amazon delivered a book on Barcelona. Maybe I'll read that tonight. Tomorrow, I'm driving down to San Diego to visit Ashley. Afterwards, I'm meeting Lauren for lunch so I can read over some insurance paperwork she received.

Friday, October 25, 2013


I left work an hour early. I was exhausted. I got a lot of important work done during the seven hours I was there. I only have two more items to complete before I can provide a comprehensive budget plan for the Assistant Vice Chancellor. I took a short nap when I got home and then began writing. I drank coffee late in the day, which is usually unadvisable for me, but I'm going to write late tonight. I'm trying to finish The Cricket Chute before my vacation in December so I won't have to write during my time off.

Thursday, October 24, 2013


Stitches is helping me plan my vacation. It sounds silly, but with my projects at work and my two writing deadlines, planning for my vacation has been stressing me out. Her enthusiasm is greater than my own. I know she'll plan a good time. I spent money on myself today. That's not always easy for me to do. I'd rather give gifts. I bought a coat. It normally costs $300 but I got a really good discount. I'm so tired right now. I had to go back to work late in the afternoon for a budget meeting with my boss.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


It's 9 p.m. I just got home. That's late for me on a weeknight. After work I saw my psychologist and then my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist gave me some useful perspective on my grieving for Ashley. I can't say what it is because it's too personal, but it gives me direction toward healing. After that I went to the pharmacy to pick up meds and after that, I met my former boss for dinner. It was great to see him and we're going to try to schedule meetings more regularly. Disco, if you're reading this, I love you very much.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


I'm getting things under control at work so I anticipate my workdays becoming easier. I still have a lot of meetings scheduled before the end of the year and I also need to present the annual budget next week. I'm hoping that this will allow me more time away from the office and I can get back to the gym and get back to writing every day. My deadline for The Cricket Chute is creeping up on me. I'm looking forward to the vacation I'm taking in December, but I imagine I'll be cramming for my deadline while I'm off.  

Monday, October 21, 2013


I'm back to crying over Ashley every day. Well, four days straight. I'm going to visit her on Sunday. I wish she could hear me. I wish she could see the things I want to show her. I wish I believed in an afterlife. The air outside feels nice tonight. It's crisp. Cynthia messaged me. We hadn't talked in a long time. I'm glad she wrote. I hope I'll get to see her soon. I trashed a bunch of the dialogue I wrote yesterday. I looked at it today and hated it. It was too expected and too directly responsive.

Sunday, October 20, 2013


I'm supposed to spend my weekends relaxing and so I had a lazy day. I woke a little before 4 a.m. and drove Kyrie to work. We got coffee on the way. I went back home and read a little and fell back asleep. I woke to play chess with Paul. I came home and wrote more of The Cricket Chute. I took a short nap, woke, and began writing again. In the evening I sat outside reading. I'm reading Notes from the Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky. It may be the funniest book I've read. I laughed until I cried.

Saturday, October 19, 2013


I spoke too soon yesterday about healing in my mourning. Shortly after I posted that, I cried for nearly an hour while working on my new script. I was listening to sad opera songs and Ashley is still my desktop picture. She sits beside my script as write, just like she is now. I miss her so much. I miss her sweet emails. I'm crying again. Someone else I love very much wanted to die today and disappeared on me. I've since learned that she's okay, but I haven't heard from her myself. I tried calling many times, texting. Nothing.

Friday, October 18, 2013


The blunted feeling is returning. It's a relief from feeling said, but it makes me feel dead inside. I think the more I gain ground in my mourning of Ashley I end up feeling less and less. In some ways, I want to hurt more, just so I can feel things. My doctor prefers that I feel nothing rather than feel sad, but I don't think that's such a great choice to make. Besides, I'd rather feel fulfilled than happy any day, and that only comes when I write. And there's no doubt I write better when sad than apathetic.

Thursday, October 17, 2013


Things continue to improve at work. I'm gaining confidence in my duties. I reconciled us down the penny today. My boss is happy. I'll be presenting our budget next week. This morning Wendy asked me if Ashley ever appears in my dreams. Sadly, the answer is no. She's been dreaming of her best friend Dillon who recently passed away. The dreams she described are very sad, yet some part of me envies them because she gets to have new experiences with the one she lost. I don't know if I'm any help to her, but we've bonded over these deaths.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


I finished a large part of the budgetary project I was working on today. The results were good. My boss was happy. Also, I was proud of myself after work. I dragged myself out of bed and sat down and wrote a few pages of The Cricket Chute, with Ashley on screen beside my script. I also sent an email to my writing group to set up a meeting. I'm finally going to show the script to them. Actually, I guess it will be the first time anyone has seen any of it. I hope they don't think it blows.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


The physical proof of The Ascension of the Blind Princess is being printed today. That again was bittersweet without Ashley here. Working shorter days is reducing my stress level. I have more time to myself, time to read, or just sit and be quiet. It's nice. Giving away free digital versions of A Goth Noob Picnic in the Cemetery Where DJ Dumbshit is Buried has led to increased sales of the two previous books. That feels good. I need to set up a time to meet with my writing group. I want to submit The Cricket Chute to them soon.

Monday, October 14, 2013


In one of my dreams last night I was on a train that was mostly vacant. Steve Gaudette was rows back, in the car behind me. He motioned for me to come sit with him. I did. In that car was another man I knew I'd seen before. In the morning I realized he was someone who rode the same bus line as me when I used to bus to work. I got off the train first. Steve and I were going to go to a restaurant. It was crowded. I got us a table, but Steve never showed up.

Sunday, October 13, 2013


Today I went to my nephew's birthday party. A bunch of screaming first graders running all over the place can be pretty loud, but they had fun, and that was nice to see. I feel sick. I think there were either a ton of germs floating around or there's a ton of hypochondria in me. I began reading Dostoyevsky's Notes from the Underground. It has to be among the funniest books I've ever read, which I wasn't expecting from the author of Crime and Punishment, although, now that I think about it, some of that book made me laugh too.

Saturday, October 12, 2013


Tonight I went to a party. I saw a lot of friends, but felt overwhelmed. I haven't been going out much and when I have it's been mostly one-on-one. My current stress level has made dealing with groups difficult. I went to the party with Stitches. I picked her up. It was nice to hang out with her. Disco also showed up to the party so that was a big plus. I didn't get to talk to Giggles as much as I would have liked. She told me that she could see me and Disco together. That can never happen.  

Friday, October 11, 2013


I'm looking forward at the weekend and feeling confused. I promised my psychologist I would no longer work weekends. I'm anticipating the things that won't get done until Monday and that provides a certain amount of stress. But to be honest, I'm glad I'm a work-a-holic and not the opposite. I'd despise myself if I were a slacker. I'd feel purposeless and as though my life was just passing me by. Tonight, I talked to Lauryn for three hours. I learned a lot about her. I thought I could tell her about Ashley, but I couldn't say much without crying.

Thursday, October 10, 2013


It's nice to hear from readers. It's especially nice to hear that they got something positive out of your book. I feel like a hypocrite right now. The values expressed in Book 3 aren't being lived too well by me right now. But even Maddie screws up in that book, and I guess that's where I'm at. In thinking about what my psychologist and I talked about yesterday, I think I need to stop taking all my work so seriously. I should focus more on enjoying what I do and not let it overwhelm me with deadlines and other pressures.

Wednesday, October 09, 2013


I just want to be dead. I'm so tired, l___. I have to see my psychologist today. I'm not looking forward to it. If I'm forthcoming, she's going to get too concerned and it will start to annoy me. She places more importance on my life than it really has. Many friends have already gone. I don't know what I'm holding onto. There are people I'd like to yell at today and there are also people from whom I'm dying for attention. If my shrink tells me again how I should take a brisk walk, I think I'll walk out.

Tuesday, October 08, 2013


I left work an hour early. I wasn't feeling well again. I came home and took a nap but had to wake to do homework and take a test for my accounting class. My brain is so sick of cash flow statements. I need to sleep now. I don't know if I'll be in to work tomorrow. I feel pretty crappy. Disco had a bad day today and I may have contributed to it. That's not good. I didn't read or write anything today either. That's also not good. I don't feel much inside. My vacation can't come soon enough.

Monday, October 07, 2013


It's still dark out. My final dream this morning involved someone who felt familiar, but was in the guise of someone else I recognized. He was getting in trouble with the law, but I knew it wouldn't stick. I woke up a little earlier this morning than usual, early enough to eat breakfast at home. I'm not feeling well. I'm overworked. This morning, l___ told me, "They understand nothing." I don't like knowing there is truth to that because it feels better to be understood than misunderstood. At least I'm writing again. Little by little, scenes are being spit out.

Sunday, October 06, 2013


With the exception of beginning to feel ill, I had another good day today. The illness I feel coming is from working too much; I've gone through this before. But I'm going to post this blog and then lie down and read until I fall asleep. But the good things today were: going to coffee with Paul and Todd this morning, talking to Stitches on the phone for an hour and twenty-four minutes, and getting to see the digital proof of The Ascension of the Blind Princess. It's bittersweet though, obviously, without being able to share the moment with Ashley.

Saturday, October 05, 2013


I had a good day today. I spent it alone. I went to the office. I took a nap. I went coffee and read two different books. I took myself out to dinner. I cried a little thinking about Ashley dying so young. I think I'll be able to start writing significant amounts soon. Many sentences have been bouncing around in my head. I hope this means my depression might lift soon. I was offered a spot on the list at Bar Sinister tonight by someone I've never gone clubbing with. That felt nice but I have too much homework.

Friday, October 04, 2013


Today is one of those days my shrinks would want me to call. I'm feeling suicidal. I just don't want to be anything right now. The weird thing is, I had a good day. But it's like when I went back on antidepressants in 2005. I was depressed but couldn't pinpoint a reason for it. But I don't think there are anti-suicide pills. I am enjoying the wind outside. I should just go to sleep and hopefully I won't feel like this in the morning. But it sucks knowing I'll feel empty regardless because of the meds I am on.

Thursday, October 03, 2013


I feel so empty and hollow, l___. I know it's the medication I don't like taking. In recent weeks, Disco has told me multiple times that she wishes we lived closer. I'm wishing that right now myself. I know she understands what these kinds of meds do to you. My psychiatrist won't entertain taking me off of them for a long while. He cares too much and our priorities are different. I haven't spoken to Ana in a couple of days and I miss her. I'm trying not to be clingy. She made me some Skype videos. I loved them.

Wednesday, October 02, 2013


Ashley, I'm happy you knew I loved you. I'm happy I showed you I loved you. I'm happy you loved me. I'm happy you told me. I'm sad this is written in past tense, because my love for you is still very present. I weep for you today. I mourn you still. Our book is virtually done. I want to work on a new one together. I want to tell you you're more than a memory, but I don't know how to explain what that means. Please let there be fantastic things I don't understand allowing you to be somewhere.

Tuesday, October 01, 2013


I don't know what to write here today. I feel withdrawn. I feel empty. The prospect of interacting with most people in my life is unappealing. I think it's been years since I've held a crayon. I want many more tattoos. I want to be hidden in symbols. I want to leave. I want more time for books. In this moment I wish my feet were submerged in cold water. I want to listen to many songs I love at the same time without it sounding cacophonous. I want to kiss Ashley's forehead and hug her for a long time.