Monday, September 30, 2013


I saw Kyrie for the first time in weeks. It was really nice to see her even though it was brief. I missed her. She told me about someone she ran into who is worried about me because I seem so sad. I don't know how I feel about that, I guess I wish it wasn't so apparent on my face. I don't feel people understand. Tiq told me I'm going to be a beautiful suicide. That doesn't mean anything so don't jump to conclusions. I can't go yet, but it pleased me to think I'll be beautiful at something.

Sunday, September 29, 2013


Last night was fun. Sarah and I talked at a sidewalk cafe for a long time. If anyone was eavesdropping I imagine they would have been amused or horrified by what they heard. We didn't know what to do after we left the cafe because it was late, but finally we stumbled upon making some photocopy self-portraits and I ate burritos at Del Taco. I made a little video. Sarah asked a lot of questions about me that required answers about things I rarely talk about. She cried. She loves me so much, just as I love her. Bran muffin.  

Saturday, September 28, 2013


I watched two soccer games. My niece and nephew. I did accounting homework, I'm about halfway finished. I'll finish the rest tomorrow. Tonight I get to see Disco, so that makes me really happy. It's nice when you have a friend you can just hang out with and have talking be the event. I love that girl. I've been listening to This Mortal Coil all day. It keeps me distant and my emotions resigned. I don't want to feel many things today. I've been thinking about dying. I've been writing the final scenes of The Cricket Chute in my head.

Friday, September 27, 2013


I played uncle ponies today. I bottle fed a baby for the first time. I burped her and now have a ton of baby spit all over my shirt and sweater. Apparently I was supposed to put some burping towel thing on my shoulder. I changed a diaper for the third time in my life, but it didn't come out so good. It was kind of saggy. Oh well, it got her to stop crying. I don't know how my sisters do it. I couldn't handle taking care of a baby all day long. I would blow as daddy ponies.

Thursday, September 26, 2013


I finished reconstructing last year's budget today. The results were interesting but not immediately conclusive. I'll look at cash flow tomorrow. I was told today that I have many admirers. If that's true, I wish they'd be more obvious about it. I think the pharmacy tech at my pharmacy likes me. That's surprising since she knows all the wacko meds I'm on. She's beautiful and really kind to me, but I want to be with someone older. I think I'm going to start writing on paper soon. I do that sometimes when I get stuck just to get started again.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Sometimes seeing both of my therapists in the same day is just too much therapy. My psychiatrist wanted to talk for a long fucking time. My psychologist told me I shouldn't feel guilty for taking time to rest. I've been so busy at work that I'm mentally drained by the time I'm off and haven't been writing or reading because of it. She wants me to rest. So now I'm sitting in bed writing this blog, watching Jersey Shore, numb from a Klonopin, and eating a pint of almond milk ice-cream. I miss Riley. I miss Ashley. I miss Amirah.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013


Worked a ton today. I need to slow down though. I work until I'm worn out and when I get home I don't want to read and I don't want to write and I don't want to go to the gym. I'm glad my boss is finally back from India. I missed her. She understands things so quickly. I sent Ashley's parents the proof of the cover of The Ascension of the Blind Princess. I wanted them to be the first people to see it. I hope they love it. I hope they love seeing Ashley's name on the cover.

Monday, September 23, 2013


Work was long and productive today. I'm enjoying setting up my own accounting procedures, but I'm not happy that my blogs have been about work so much lately. I wish I had more to say about writing, but I haven't been writing enough. I can see an end to working so much. We'll have an office manager soon, I'll have the annual budget complete, and I'll finish reconciling all these transactions that were never reconciled. The biggest drawback to this promotion is an increase of meetings. I generally don't like meetings. The guy running today's meeting had a terrible tie.

Sunday, September 22, 2013


I woke at 4 a.m. as usual, but I wasn't feeling very well so I stayed in bed until 8 a.m. Later, I had to run some errands with my niece. She told me that I needed to wash my car. I don't like washing my car and so I asked her if she had ever been to a car wash. She hadn't so that's what we did. I got her a Slurpee and a candy bar; it was almost like I was taking her to the movies. We listened to xotox while in the carwash. I made a video.

Saturday, September 21, 2013


I worked for three hours today on university stuff and then worked on my book business. In the afternoon, I went to my nephew's fifth birthday party. I fell into a daze watching the children laughing. It was so nice to see such carefree happiness. It's too bad they'll grow out of it as they get older and their lives become increasingly complex. I just sat down to work on The Cricket Chute, which of course is why I'm writing this blog instead. I feel so tired. If I could only find some inspiration, I would wake the fuck up.

Friday, September 20, 2013


Ashley, you've been on my mind a lot today and I've been up since 1:50 this morning. I'm sitting here staring at you. I miss you tons. It still hurts a lot. I just watched that long video I made of my drives down to see you. I hadn't watched it since you died. (I hated typing that word.) The video has been online since July, but was private. I didn't want you to know I was hurting so much. I just published it publicly. I don't why. I just wanted to remember those hours. I love you so much.

Thursday, September 19, 2013


I couldn't have coffee until after eight a.m. because I had to have blood drawn and I needed to be fasting. The lab not opening until eight a.m. when I go to sleep at seven-thirty p.m. really sucks hunger-wise. I spent the majority of my workday working on our annual budget. I think I'll be done with it next week. It's almost the weekend, but I have a ton of homework for the accounting course I'm taking through the University of Pennsylvania. Our Spanish translator wrote to tell me her mom thinks she'll get nightmares from mine and Ashley's book.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013


I had another productive day at work. I worked mostly on budgetary stuff. I also released a free eBook version of A Goth Noob Picnic in the Cemetery Where DJ Dumbshit is Buried. I'm trying to increase my audience before mine and Ashley's book is released in November. Seventeen people downloaded it already. That's less than I hoped for, but it still means new readers so that's good. Some of my friends posted about it too; that was nice of them. I talked to Wendy about Ashley. They're close in age so her thoughts were of real interest to me.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


I feel better today. I went to work. I'm working on something complicated and important right now and I don't know how many more days it will take me to complete, but I'm so glad I have my early morning alone hours. There are so many interruptions during the day that it is hard to stay focused and keep all these numbers in my head. I submitted cover revisions to Salina, so I'm excited to see the next iteration of the cover for The Ascension of the Blind Princess. I cried a ton today while writing a poem for Ashley.

Monday, September 16, 2013


I thought I was feeling better this morning when I woke so I went to work. I left after an hour and a half. I spent most of my day in bed again. It helped, I feel like I'm getting better. Salina sent me the first draft of the cover design for The Ascension of the Blind Princess. It took me a little while before I could open it. I so wish I were able to share these moments with Ashley. I have a short list of edits to make but overall I feel the first draft came out good.

Sunday, September 15, 2013


I spent nearly the entire day in bed. I'm sick and trying to rest enough so that I don't miss work tomorrow. I watched two films: Paths of Glory and A Place in the Sun. I wish I wasn't sick, but I did enjoy the alone time watching films I had never seen. I knew little about these films, but they were in my watch list for a while. They both end with death sentences. Go watch list. I began a new poem for Ashley. I'm finding it difficult to put down in words what I mean to say.

Saturday, September 14, 2013


I spent the entire day creating the eBook version of A Goth Noob Picnic in the Cemetery Where DJ Dumbshit is Buried. I'm still not finished. I should've rested more. I can feel myself becoming ill. I'm staring at Ashley's face right now. My desktop picture is bringing me back to the hospital. I feel like she's right there. I'm tired and my brain isn't consistently comprehending that she's gone. Working on the book today, the book I didn't finish reading to her has everything to do with it. It's my wish--a second chance to read it to her.

Friday, September 13, 2013


It’s Friday night and I just want to sleep. I’m exhausted. My days have been long and full all month at work. I was planning on going in tomorrow, but I’m reconsidering. Even my boss told me I should rest so I stay healthy. Beyond work, I have a lot to do this weekend for Ink Bleed Books. Sunday I’m meeting with Natasha about taxes and Stitches about credit. I’m writing fast again though, so that’s nice. The sentences just fall out of me. Wendy told me that the service for her best friend was nice. That made me happy.

Thursday, September 12, 2013


M___, something happened today. For the first time since I fell in love with you I had the thought that perhaps I no longer love you most. I always thought that you would be the last person or thing I would think of on my deathbed, but now I wonder if that’s still true. It probably is still the case, but today was the first day I wasn’t sure. You’re not replaceable to me, and I don’t know what or whom else I would think of. Amirah? Disco? Perhaps most likely it would be passages from James Joyce’s The Dead.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


I mentioned in a previous post that I’ve been overwhelmed lately with work and projects. I’ve become stressed and took two Klonopins between 5 a.m. and noon. I got into an argument with someone online today. He said something to me I considered rude and so I got snippety with him. I hate when I succumb to engaging in conflicts with people I don’t care about. It only makes me stress over someone not worthwhile. It’s a pretty stupid tactic. I’m confident it will just go away and that’s fine. Or maybe I’ll apologize. That often makes me feel better.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013


I’m wearing myself out. My brain feels over-stimulated. I have so much information to process and so many projects going. I can feel myself becoming ill. I need to rest more but my to do list just keeps growing. The upside is that I’ve been listening to a lot more music lately. I keep it playing all day long at work and at home as I work on stuff. Wendy has been remarkably strong considering the loss she just experienced; I’m impressed with her and especially sympathetic as my wounds are still open. I wrote another poem for Ashley today.

Monday, September 09, 2013


I’m trying so hard to be happy, l___, but I feel like my heart is emptying faster than it fills. Ashley’s death poked many more holes in my heart. Thank you for playing Chopin for me today; it was well timed. Physically I’m feeling better. Running three miles a day helps and I’ve been eating better and controlling my portions. I miss Riley. Tiq helped me write this weekend. I feel motivated again. But of course there’s always a price attached. So Tiq, if you’re reading this, I really don’t like that man with no head. He creeps me out.

Sunday, September 08, 2013


I tried hard again today to have a good day. I woke late because I stayed up late. I worked from home, reviewing applicant resumes. I had three coffees. I wrote a lot dialogue for The Cricket Chute and that feels good, but knowing me, when I look at what I wrote in a couple of days, I’ll rewrite most of it. I texted with Disco. Happy ponies. Yesterday, Ashley’s best friend texted me. She asked if I left pink roses for Ashley. I did not and that makes me happy because it shows that Ashley is being visited often.

Saturday, September 07, 2013


I tried really hard to have a happy today. I woke early and got coffee. I went to the office and got some work done. I made a video and was disappointed to see how much weight I’ve gained. I’ve been overeating and eating less than healthy foods and my gym time has been minimal. I went to my nephew’s soccer game. I studied some math and accounting. I dragged myself to the gym. On the way there Imaginary Friends by The Sex Gang Children played on my iPod. It made me think of Ashley and brought me to tears.  

Friday, September 06, 2013


There’s so much sorrow lately, l___. DaniellE is in Florida. Her grandmother passed away. Wendy lost her best friend last night. He was only twenty. He overdosed. It makes me remember that the sorrow that comes with loss is part of every single day in the world; recently it’s been hovering close. I wish Ashley had let me film her more. I watched her today. The footage I have is brief, but it’s all I have, and I cherish it. Stitches is going through a rough period right now too. I hope to have one on one time with her.

Thursday, September 05, 2013


I didn’t go to the office today. My depression was too much. By 8:30 a.m. I still couldn’t get out of bed so I called in and emailed my boss. I did some work from bed, but for the most part all I’ve done is sit, watch Jersey Shore, go out to pick up lunch and coffee, and now I’m watching this show called Catfish that Stitches texted me to watch. I’m most interested in the in psyche of the catfish. I guess I’m lucky that even though Ana and I still haven’t met, we Skype. I know she’s real.

Wednesday, September 04, 2013


Work was busy. I had to try really hard to drag myself to the gym. I didn’t eat enough first and ended up feeling faint and sick. Blah blah blah. Nothing new. I’m actually bawling my eyes out right now. When will this grieving become easier? I want to talk to her so badly and give her a big hug. I’m trying to move forward. I’m writing more regularly and reading a lot, but daily it feels like I just fall down again. Losing her feels like a loss of a partnership. We could have done so many more books.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013


I must go back to the gym. My depression is growing. It’s difficult to go. I don’t look forward to anything but reading and writing, but I shouldn’t ignore my physical health. I cried twice today at work. The poem I’m writing hurts. I received an email from someone who attended Ashley’s funeral; I was able to share something with her about the impact she had on Ashley’s happiness during her final days. I think she was happy to be made aware of it. She wrote something that made me feel better about Ashley never getting to hold our book.

Monday, September 02, 2013


This long weekend has been good. I was able to balance my writing time with my social life. I wrote well and went out and had fun. I’ve been coming home so late that I’ve been waking past noon. Ordinarily, that would make me feel irresponsible and I would get on myself for it. But I’ve been writing so well that I don’t even think of it. Minutes ago I was weeping. The poem I’m writing for Ashley has been difficult on my heart. I began this blog post to pull myself away and allow the tears to stop falling.

Sunday, September 01, 2013


Today was good. I slept in late, but I was still feeling great from my night last night at Stefanie’s wedding and getting to hang out with Disco. I posted a video of her at coffee today. I wrote a lot today. Clacie was accommodating. She kept talking and talking and talking. I like how the act is turning out. I got to see the review of A Goth Noob Picnic in the Cemetery Where DJ Dumbshit is Buried in Gothic Beauty Magazine too. I think it’s my best review yet. I made another video today of me reading it.