Saturday, August 31, 2013

Wedding


I had a really good night tonight. I went to Stefanie’s wedding and was seated with the other writers in my writing group. It was really fun. But moreover, Disco went with me to the wedding and we got to talk a lot. We share similar sentiments on many things, including our biggest fears, and things that are most important to us. I feel like we became closer than ever tonight. I love her so much. I think there is a chance we’ll land in Puget Sound with a house full of books. That would be my dream come true.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Explanation


In a previous post I mentioned that work has been challenging. There were budgetary issues that I could not resolve because I came across an error that I couldn’t believe to be true. I had to be wrong. But after a week of finding no other explanation, I finally took it to our controller and he drew the same conclusion. It’s a problem but I feel relieved knowing I wasn’t misunderstanding the data. I went out to dinner with Giggles and Gothy Poo. Afterwards, we went to coffee. They’re married now. They’re a good couple. I might even be envious.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Date


Today was our annual staff picnic. It was really hot but nice to get out of the office and see just how big the campus staff really is. I wrote Ashley another poem today about the last five hours I spent with her. I become so sad whenever I think of her. I talked to Ana a lot today—morning and night. That made me happy. I like her. I’m also really looking forward to this weekend. I’m going to Stefanie’s wedding on Saturday with Disco as my date. My writing group will be there which will be extra fun.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Retirement


Work continues to provide challenges daily. It’s good. There’s lots of thinking to do. I saw my psychologist but ended my session at a half hour. I didn’t have much to say and was tired of sitting there. On my drive home though, it occurred to me that if stopped expecting to be dead so soon, I’d have a long time to finish writing many of the things I want to write, especially if I make it to retirement. I don’t know how likely that is. It’ll either happen or it won’t. Depression will probably get the best of me.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Express


I slept in this morning. I didn’t arrive to work until 6:30 a.m. It threw my whole day off. I went to the gym after and had a really good cardio session, but ate too much afterwards. I’ve been struggling with a poem I’m writing for Ashley. I’ve done so many drafts but can’t seem to express exactly what I’m feeling. I cried for her at work again today. I went eight days without crying and now I’ve had three in a row. Amirah and I began making a list of twenty things I can do to meet new people.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Voicemail


I noticed I had a voicemail when I woke this morning. Ashley’s mother called while I was asleep to thank me for the flowers I put outside Ashley’s urn yesterday. She sounded so sad. I’ve heard she’s been really down, which is understandable. I wish there were something that could be done to help her through this. I miss Ashley too, but my heart can’t possibly hurt as much as her mother’s. My boss caught me staring at Ashley’s picture today at work. Before she realized what I was doing, I think she thought I was upset about budgetary issues.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Mausoleum


I drove down to San Diego to meet Linda, a friend of Ashley’s family. She had the originals of the illustrations for The Ascension of the Blind Princess. I had high-resolution scans made of them. After that, I went to the mausoleum to visit her. I intended to finish reading her the rest of the Goth Noob book, like I told her I would, but I kept crying too much and only made it through a few pages. I hadn’t cried in eight days, and today felt like a release of emotions I’ve been bottling up. I made a video.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Freedom


I had such a good day today. I didn’t go outside once. I got out of bed late and spent most of my day writing. I used my Freedom software to block the internet so I wouldn’t fuck off on Facebook all day. I wrote through some scenes I’ve been struggling with in The Cricket Chute. After writing, I read and listened to The Velvet Underground. I’m thinking of going out. Maybe a club. I’d like to see Bless. I wrote another poem for Ashley. The book production is now at a standstill since I still don’t have the illustrations.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Dazing


I had another good day at work. The audit went well. I was told what I put together was better than most departments. I finally pushed something through that I’ve been butting heads with Human Resources on for weeks. I wrote Ashley another poem. She came to mind while I was dazing off, staring at leaves swaying in the wind. I want her to be here so badly. I have the time to write all weekend. I don’t know who to play with though: Clacie, Candy, or Orly. I want to play with them all, but that wouldn’t be productive.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Audit


I talked to Amirah today. That was good. I actually talked to a lot of people today: Stitches, Kabuki, Candy, Nicole, Lauren, Ana, and Nerolista. If I get to talk to Disco, the day will be complete. Just by random chance, my department was selected for an external payroll audit with results due tomorrow. I finished it today, but it sucked because I’m still implementing controls and methods to reconcile our ledger since I was promoted into this position only recently. I needed my inhaler today. I’ve been having difficulty breathing. I don’t know if it’s allergies or something else.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Twenty


It was another good day at work. I plowed through some stuff that was difficult and had been tabled for a while. My boss had to make some decisions but I was happy with them. I ended my session with my psychologist twenty minutes early. She was annoying me. She was looking for simple solutions to a complex problem. I think she didn’t feel like dealing with me today. That’s fine. I understand. I feel like that often too. I talked to Ana this morning for a while. That was really nice. I like her. I’m worried about Kabuki though.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Gun


Today was good. I got a lot done at work. Someone was very appreciative of the job I did. I got things done after work. I checked off a lot of items on my to do list. I restructured a scene from The Cricket Chute. I wrote another poem for Ashley. Despite all that, thoughts of suicide surfaced. Gun to the head. That’s what it’s been for weeks, and it usually isn’t. I don’t know why it changed. I’ve talked to my psychologist about it, but nothing was really concluded. I see her tomorrow. I’m sure we’ll discuss it more.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Private


You asked why I was private when Maddie died and didn’t post publicly like I am with Ashley. I told you her family wouldn’t have liked that, which is true, but there’s more. I’m taking Ashley’s death so much harder because of her age and because I saw her dying. Maddie’s heart stopped, which was always a possibility with her condition, but nobody knew when or if it was coming. I found out through a phone call. It was already over. But more importantly, I had her cousin to talk to. With Ashley, I have no one but my posts.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Sunglasses


Today was good. I lost my chess match but it was close. I went to Hollywood for the third day in a row. Today I got to see Riley and her boyfriend, Josh. We had Indian food. Riley deconstructed the criteria I formed with Amirah about the qualities I’m looking for in the next person I date. She thinks my most important criterion is stupid and engendered from my own self-criticism and feelings of worthlessness. But the spinach/tofu dish I had was delicious. She’s so cool. She wears big sunglasses better than anyone I know. And she makes me laugh.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Lethal


Today I got four gothy themed matryoshka tattooed on me. Only the line work is done but they look super cute. I didn’t get to see Riley. She’s jetlagged and pooped from staying out all night last night. I began writing a second poem for Ashley yesterday. Also yesterday, my psychiatrist told me that that night I had that bad reaction to medications is because I took a potentially lethal combination. I guess I could have stopped breathing. It was difficult to breathe that night. I should probably care more, but I don’t. Tiq was right, it will be okay.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Falling


I worked from home today because I screwed up my neck. I either slept weird or it is because I lifted for the first time in a couple of weeks yesterday. I’ve been having a difficult time sleeping. Often, at the moment I begin to fall asleep, I suddenly wake because I feel like I’m falling. I’m thinking it’s stress, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s vertigo. I’ve never had this happen before. I see my psychiatrist in two hours, so I’ll run it by him. I’m hanging out with Marie Bardoukhe tonight. We’re seeing a film and having dinner.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Denial


I slept better last night. I was productive at work. I forced myself to go to the gym. I’m trying to pick myself up. Yesterday, my psychologist suggested that I put Ashley’s pictures away. She thinks it makes me depressed to see them, and it does, but I want her close. It’s really difficult for me remain out of denial. Sometimes I feel like it’s just temporary and I’m going to get an email from her. I really hope people love our book. I’ll try to go out this weekend. I’ll see Marie, Margot, and maybe Disco if I’m lucky.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Abusing


I didn’t sleep last night. Not at all. I arrived at work at 2:45 a.m. I’ve been abusing my meds just trying to zone out and not deal with anything and I had a bad reaction last night. That’s why I didn’t sleep. I was embarrassed to tell my psychologist, but I did. I don’t hide things from the people I pay to help me. She introduced the idea of finding a grief support group. I’ll have to tell my psychiatrist on Friday. I’m going to tell him to cut me off on certain meds until I get through this.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Normal


Today is the first day I haven’t cried since Ashley went into the hospital. I just took my sleeping meds which will hopefully ensure that it stays that way. I looked at pictures of her for a long time today though, and now that I think about her face in my mind, I can feel myself getting choked up. She was such a beautiful person. She had such a good heart on top of being so talented. I’m trying to get back to normal though. I went to the gym today. Ran like a motherfucker wearing sunglasses and drinking coffee.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Inurnment


Ashley’s family permitted me to attend her inurnment today. I tried to make a video. I’m happy that she’s in a place she liked going with her friends. At this very moment, I’m having a difficult time processing that she’s gone. I had just been speaking with her a couple of weeks ago. I can still hear her voice in my head. I know I’ve been posting about her a lot, but it’s devastating to me that she’s gone. I saw the final text layout of our book this morning. I think Ashley would have liked how it came out.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Private


I spent the day sleeping and reading. I took a lot of meds last night. I missed chess. Ashley’s ashes will be inured tomorrow morning in a private ceremony. I’m really honored to be invited. I’ll feel better knowing where she is. I have five writing projects right now, I’m going to have to prioritize in order to make sure I finish at least some of them. I feel isolated from people, but Riley will be in LA next week. I’m looking forward to seeing her. She makes me laugh. I’m hoping she’s going to decide to live here again.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Important


I’ve been thinking about some of the things your friends told me yesterday at your service. I didn’t know you told them anything about me. But it made me happy to know that I mattered to you. I hope you knew you were important to me too. Paragraphs from your eulogy keep running through my head. Some make me cry. I must have it memorized by now considering all the drafts I did. I wish I believed in something, Ashley, because I still want to know you and I want to feel like a new message could come any day.

Friday, August 09, 2013

Funeral


Ashley’s funeral was beautiful. I’m happy so much of her artwork was displayed and viewed by so many people who cared about her. I made a YouTube video about my day, but it’s still uploading. I spoke in front of a lot of people I did not know, but family and friends thanked me for sharing and that meant a lot. I wanted people to know about this side of Ashley’s life and the hard work she had done on our book and how much it meant to her, and how much she and the hospital visits meant to me.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Obituary


I left the office early this morning when others began to show up for work. I didn’t feel like seeing anyone today. I worked from home instead, and had a pretty active day with phone calls and emails. I timed myself reading Ashley’s eulogy. It timed at five minutes and thirty-six seconds. I’m guessing nervousness in front of a crowd of people I don’t know and tear breaks will make it longer. Ashley’s obituary was in the San Diego Tribune today. Her friend Alicia is getting me a copy. I’ll see it tomorrow. I hope it talked about her art.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Very


I received fifty-five proposals in less than two days to translate The Ascension of the Blind Princess into Spanish. Confident I had enough qualified candidates, I ended the fourteen-day bidding period early. I finished reviewing all the proposals today and narrowed it down to six translators. I’m nearly finished writing Ashley’s eulogy. Though the writing process still brings me to tears, I think it has been helping me heal. My session with my psychologist was difficult. It was all about Ashley. Like my psychiatrist, she’s worried I’m taking too many pills, and I am, but I am very very sad.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Eulogy


It’s taking me so long to write this eulogy. I want it to read exactly as I feel. We had a staff retreat today. My boss wouldn’t let me forgo the retreat and work instead. We did flight simulation with F-16 fighter jets. I’m not a very good pilot. After lunch we volunteered at a food bank. It was tough work but fun. I cried on my drive home. I was writing more of the eulogy in my head, and that’s what happens. There are things I feel I’m lacking in my life right now. I need to fill them.

Monday, August 05, 2013

Deal


Suicide came to mind today because of something I read that I had filed away. I never gave the actual contents of my suicide note much thought. I only assumed it would be long. But today I did think about it. If I got to that point, I’m guessing all I will end up writing is, “I just can’t deal.” I think right now, if Disco died, which unfortunately is sometimes possible, it would push me over the edge. Of all my friends, Riley is the only one I know of who agrees with the significance of one choosing when.

Sunday, August 04, 2013

Voice


I didn’t go outside today. I ordered food in. But that’s okay; I went to a club Friday and Saturday night; that should keep my psychologist happy. I wanted today to myself. I’m working on a video that I may or may not post. Ashley is in it. I was putting it together for her best friend, Alicia. She wanted to hear her voice. I wrote some dialogue for The Cricket Chute. I have nearly sixty applicants to translate The Ascension of the Blind Princess into Spanish. I don’t feel like going through all of those resumes during my weekend.

Saturday, August 03, 2013

Video


I spent the night at Giggles’ and Gothy Poo’s last night. Giggles went to sleep immediately, but Gothy Poo stayed up with me. We talked about Ashley, so of course I cried. I took three Klonopins. Today, I didn’t take a single one, so that was good. But I cried on the treadmill again and left gym after only running two miles. I went to New Church (goth club) to see Stitches. We danced; but I also watched a video of Ashley on my phone to make it feel like she was at a club with me. Cried. Left early.

Friday, August 02, 2013

Speak


I rewrote Ashley’s biography page, now acknowledging her death, and her cancer like she wanted. Ashley’s father just phoned me a little while ago and asked if I would speak at her funeral. I didn’t say yes immediately. I get nervous speaking in front of people, and I’ll know hardly anyone there. But there are some things I would like to say about her. I tried to sit down and write what I would like to say, but I just started sobbing. I keep expecting her death to be temporary. I’m trying so hard not to pass out on pills.

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Spanish


Ashley, I miss you. I keep thinking you’re going to write. But I’m picking myself up. I went to the gym, ate healthy, and haven’t taken any sedatives today. I did almost cry on the treadmill, but I was able to keep it together. I learned today how hard your mother is taking it. It gave me the idea to put our book out in Spanish as well as English, so that she can appreciate it in her native language. I’ll have to hire an interpreter and make sure Salina is up for designing a Spanish version. I love you.