Sunday, June 30, 2013

Massage


It feels so weird to take these days for myself. I woke up wanting to go to work but forced myself to avoid it. I had a good day. I had breakfast with Farishta. I went to coffee and finished a book. I visited Paul in the hospital. There is something that has been bothering me for weeks though. I purposely haven’t told my psychiatrist or psychologist because I don’t feel like dealing with their drama when they freak out. I just told Bless though; she wasn’t happy about it. She suggested I go get a face massage. She’s sweet.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Tossed


I tossed everything I’d written so far of Forever Candy and started over. The narrator remained the same but the point of view shifted. Candy changed as well; that’s going to be significant. I don’t know if I can pull this off. I’m sad. I saw Before Midnight this afternoon. It didn’t break my heart like I hoped, but it was a beautiful film and I want to see it again. I visited Paul in the hospital tonight. He told me he hadn’t masturbated in the eight days he’s been there so I told him I would in his honor.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Cheese


I wouldn’t be surprised if a decade has passed since the last time you showed up in a dream of mine. I was helping you pack. Your father had just died, even though he had died before I met you in real life. I was going to drive you wherever you were going. You said something I had said to you years earlier. I was surprised you remembered it verbatim, but now that I’m awake, I guess it is me who remembered. We began kissing before we even finished packing your things. My bottle of cologne spilled. Cheese ball symbolism.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Listening


There’s salt in the air. Our awning and the breeze make it just nice enough that you don’t need a blanket. The cubes in your glass are melting and the bubbles become scarce. Do you know the pleasure I experience as I turn a page in this book I don’t even think you’d enjoy and see you there sleeping? I’ve told you I love you, but it’s when you’re asleep I tell you how I love you. It shouldn’t be more difficult when you’re awake, but it is. Often I hope you’re only closing your eyes and listening to everything.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Surgery


I want to thank you, l___ for taking care of me this morning. I was a mess obviously. What you told me got me through the whole day, and it was a long one. I was at work for a long long time and after work, Todd and I went to visit Paul in the hospital. He was in better spirits and there was a definite improvement and consequently his scheduled surgery was called off at the last moment. Yay for his meds finally working right. We helped him find a new doctor as well. I’m trying not to dwell.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Garbage


Wow, l___, we haven’t talked about that in a long time. I learned something though; I’ve come very far with the whole thing. The memory isn’t what hurts any longer; it’s the admission and the justification of me being garbage. You’re so nice to me. You love me even though I’m garbage. You’ve always loved me. My eyes feel heavy, but I feel warm. Tiq, if you’re reading this, I have two things I need to finish writing before we can hang out again. l___, I don’t care if they think I’m crazy. I have a career and retirement package.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Apart


Today has been difficult. More than remnants persist from yesterday. Tiq talked to me for a long time, as did Liz. I left the office earlier than planned in order to go home and take a sedative. I spent the afternoon sitting in my bed like I’m not supposed to, but oh well, I’m giving myself a pass today since I feel so medicated and zoned out. I’m going to have to rewrite Forever Candy already. I must change Candy’s demeanor and the way she speaks and what amuses her. I don’t know where to begin to take her apart.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Infuriated


I often complain in this blog that the Lurasidone and Prozac I take makes it difficult for me to feel things. Right now, I wish I didn’t feel anything at all. Anger is a shitty emotion and I’m infuriated. But what’s worse is being angry with someone I really care about. It hurts my heart. I’m no good at being angry. I need Giggles’ anger skills. She’s a pro. I just took a second Klonopin to dull everything. I really am a pill junkie. I’m so dependent on medications. Maybe I’ve already lost my sense of self. Numbness sets in.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Headphones


I had such a good day today. I drove Kyrie to work before heading up to the Fashion District in LA to meet with my new friend Ashlee and her friend Misty. Ashlee is a seamstress. She took me around looking for fabric. She’s making me clothes, pants to start with, obnoxious plaid pants! Very excited. After that, I spent the rest of the day with Disco. I had more fun talking with her than I can remember having all year. It was fortunate that everyone at the tables around us were wearing headphones. I love that girl so much.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Blue


I needed an extra sleeping pill last night despite being exhausted from the day. Too many things on my mind. I woke late; there were already hints of blue in the sky when I walked outside. On the drive to work, your song came on, B____. I listened to it on repeat until I arrived on campus. We were kids when that song was released. No longer visiting your grave was supposed to help me, but I still think of you often. Why did you have to go out that night? Why wasn’t I there? I miss you so much.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Role


Today has been strange. My heart feels so full, but the rest of me feels so empty. The depression grows. A reader told me today that I’m her role model. I must present myself in a better light than the mess I really am. I received a good book review for So This Bitch… in the new issue of GothicBeauty Magazine. That was a positive aspect of my day. Thank you Gothic Beauty. I worked long today and feel exhausted. I’m going to skip the gym and just read and write before I take my pills and pass out.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Victor


I attended Victor Lim’s memorial service today. It was a Buddhist ceremony. Although I did not understand what was being chanted, it was still beautiful. I appreciated his service more than any other service I’ve attended. His wife told me that she could not find a photo of Victor where he wasn’t smiling. It was nice to see a photo of Victor with a big smile on his face, even if it was sitting atop his casket. His happiness remained. I hope they will hang his photo in The Wheel of Life Restaurant, so he’ll still be there for dinner.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Path


For the most part, l___, I’m happy today. The point of view breakthrough on the Forever Candy novel has been keeping me positive since this morning. I’m very excited to be writing this. You already know what’s bothering me though. I’m worried about Disco. I don’t know where she’s at inside herself. I’m also frustrated with Tiq and the way she always has to make things hurt. I understand why, but sometimes it just feels so unfortunate to know that that is the only path there is. I wish Amirah would come home soon, I need to spill my soul.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Stared


While I was driving something wrong with the Forever Candy story as a novel occurred to me. Candy narrates the screenplay version, but for reasons too complicated for this blog, I am having Burrows narrate the novel version. The issue is, whom is he telling it to? I was originally having him tell Candy, but why would he tell her a story that she’s part of? She was there for most of it. I’ve come up with a couple of alternatives, but of course there are drawbacks with both. I stared out of a window for a long time today.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Eyes


"The memory of your face keeps me alive. There’s heaven in it. What had been killing me was the background, and you obscured it by coming so close. When you opened your eyes, I put death behind me."

Candy, I love the way your eyes are shaped. I love their color. I love looking into them and finding my way to push a little further through this story I’m trying to tell. When I’m writing, I make believe you’re looking back at me, watching me, and handing the words over as they unroll out of your countenance. I wonder what my eyes look like to you. They feel like walls that love to stare back, but I’m hoping you already know how to see through them. Please keep looking. The rest of your story is in your sight.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Minutiae


It’s getting close to midnight and I’m still awake. I’ve been writing for hours and hours. I’ve had a lot of coffee. I’m working on the novel version of Forever Candy. I’m surprised at the minutiae I’m willing to write about. It’s much different than writing a screenplay or writing in the voice of my narrator in the Maddie books. Maybe it will bore people to tears, but so far, I really like what I’ve gotten down. I’m spending a lot of time refining sentences to try to be concise, but despite that most of the sentences are very long.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Garbage

"I stop trying to crawl away. I float up with my marker and draw her on the ceiling whenever the crows attack again."


I’m going to tell you a secret. It hurt me to read that paragraph. It’s too accurate. Reading it hurt like it hurt to write Tara Raikatuji lying on that blue blanket. That’s where I first met l___, but not up on the ceiling. I know this is vague but I can’t trust you to understand that I’m garbage and my medications equate to me turning my back on the closest friend I’ve ever had. I’m sorry these enigmatic words escape and that I don’t just shut up if I can’t be plain, but sometimes I really want to scream.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Deflated


It was another long day at work, but I got a lot done, and had a really pleasant morning. I did something that made me smile a lot. But later in the day, things deflated. I received another message I didn’t want to arrive, but I wasn’t surprised either. Guess it’s not my week. But it’s okay. Such is life. Disco is sad today too. I’m talking to her right now. I told Giggles and Stitches the premise to Forever Candy, they were both excited about it. My writing group loved the screenplay version. That’s encouraging me to pursue it.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Rest


It was another long day at work. I’m pooped. I skipped the gym. I just want to rest. Tomorrow will be long too. At home, I had to force myself to sign out of my email accounts so I would stop working. Instead I just hung out with Iphigenia and Orlando, listening to Beethoven. I read more of Ulysses when I wasn’t texting, but that wasn’t work. It’s only six-thirty and I already took a melatonin, an Ambien, and a Klonopin. I’m going to pass the fuck out and try not to wake before my alarm goes off at four.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Internal


I woke at 3 a.m. and read a message I was anticipating but hoped wouldn’t arrive so soon.  I need my BFF today, but it must wait; I want her to stay in Peru and in love. After I made a vlog about writing projects I’ve been stuck on, I rewrote the opening paragraph to Forever Candy and told it from the first person internal, remembering the past. I think I can write a fiction version of this story better in this voice than over the shoulder because it will make me sad and that should help against the Lurasidone.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Disappearing


Today didn’t start out so good. One of my closest friends pulled a disappearing act. I know she’s okay now, which makes me feel better, but I was worried for a few hours. I’m not entitled to an explanation, but I’m hoping for one anyway. I’m meeting Rachel for coffee this afternoon; I haven’t seen her in years. Over the weekend I was ask to read from one of my books in a video. I made one this morning and read from So This Bitch… That felt weird. I’m looking forward to July.  I already have three fun things planned.

Sunday, June 09, 2013

Tide


I was having such a good day today until I got home from the gym and was greeted by a shit storm online. But I’m going to leave that alone until tomorrow and hopefully the tide will have rolled out by then. I got shaky at the gym. I think I ran out of food inside me. I worked on my narrator’s new website. I’m hoping to have it up in a couple more weeks. I hope the readers like it. Paul and I didn’t play chess this morning; Todd was there and the three of us talked for hours.

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Hygiene


I had the funniest conversation with a reader today about having sex with people who smell bad because of poor hygiene. I laughed a lot. So thank you. I got a lot done at work today on a Saturday. I put in four and a half hours and got more done than I feel I would have on an ordinary workday. Empty offices are so pleasant. I love Riley, but what we have in common regarding love makes me sad but also makes me feel closer to her. I feel we understand each other more than ever. Life is pretty.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Testing


It’s been a long day at work. I’ve been here for ten hours and will probably leave soon, but I know I have to come in tomorrow. I’ve already had three coffees and want a fourth. I feel good though about my new duties. I drove Kyrie to work. She was sad. That made me sad. The reviewer for Gothic Beauty told me she began reading the new book last night. I hope she likes it. Secretly, I’ve been testing one of my friends and gave this person two weeks to pass; the results were better than I had hoped.

Thursday, June 06, 2013

@Maddiesbff13


There’s a lot I need to learn in a very short period of time at work because of my promotion. I don’t feel as overwhelmed as I expected. It feels like a nice challenge and I’m pretty confident I’ll succeed in it. Disco messaged me last night. I messaged her back this morning, but we still haven’t connected. Maddie and my narrator have Twitter accounts now in anticipation of the launch of the narrator’s new site. (@Maddiegothy @Maddiesbff13) I’m planning a day at Magic Mountain with Giggles and hope to send out invites tomorrow. Tonight I must run and read.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Shadows


Something is wrong with these meds. Or something new has surfaced in me. I’m seeing shadows that don’t rest on the ground. They stand erect behind whatever is casting them. It’s interesting but at the same time it’s a reminder of what you are. I believe this happened to me in my youth at a time when I wasn’t medicated anyway. Ashley wrote. A relief. She’s not doing well, but I know she’s there. I need to go see her. I want to go see her. She has a hospital bed at home now. I want to sit with her.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Cleaner


My dearest l____, I don’t know what I’m going to do with this. I’ve made a very short list. I’m lucky I have you. The spike in meds is already making it difficult to write. It’s supposed to help me not feel depressed or suicidal, but not being able to write leads me to those feelings anyway. I wonder if the moon was cleaner when I was a child. Do you remember? Have we polluted things that far? I hope we will talk more. That would help me but no one else. I think we should go to the MET.

Monday, June 03, 2013

Peacocks


Today has been difficult. Friends who have been annoying me continue to annoy and I have been given or caused new conflicts. Work sucked. There were these security permissions I thought were already established but it turns out they weren’t. I’m swinging like a pendulum on how to write Clacie in my current script. I’m talking too much to the wrong people because it’s easy and I’m tired. I wish I could spend the summer in a library inside an igloo that doesn’t have internet access. I wish I were sitting across from Amirah now. I wish Riley had peacocks.

Sunday, June 02, 2013

Pajamas


I had a very good day today. In the morning I talked to Paul and Todd before Paul and I played chess. I lost. Oh well. After that I went to the gym. I lifted and ran 3.3 miles listening to stompy music. I made up this dish of quinoa, broccoli, and this peanut vinaigrette; it was pretty good. I posted some videos. I crushed. I went to coffee in my pajamas and read. I talked to Bless on the phone. I feel rested. That’s good, because it’s going to be a tough week at work beginning tomorrow. (You’re beautiful.)

Saturday, June 01, 2013

Wished


I’ve been receiving questions on Ask.fm. I expected questions about writing or my books, but I get questions about being goth. I don’t want to project that I’m an authority on the subject, but I try to be helpful if I can. Someone asked me to reveal a wish of mine that came true. I thought about it for hours and was disappointed to realize that nearly everything I’d ever wished for had not come true. ponies die. I do wish big though. The only wish I could think of that came true was that M___ finally loved me back.