Friday, May 31, 2013


I tweeted to Steve Gaudette today. Obviously, he wouldn’t see it, but the tweet somehow did put me back in touch with Nicole Meisse. She knew Steve as well. Many memories were recalled. The memories didn’t make me as sad as they usually do when I think of my times spent with Steve. Maybe that’s because I was sharing memories with someone else who also misses him. Typing this now while sitting in the dark feels different. Less nostalgic. Less bittersweet. I dread the reality that I’ll never see my friend again.  I wish our last conversation had been significant.

Thursday, May 30, 2013


Today was unusual. I began the day feeling down but somehow I turned it around. I must be learning something from this quest to not dislike myself. I ran faster than I ever have at the gym. My endurance is increasing as well. I received two nice comments on the video I posted yesterday about Gote’s suicide. That was nice because I wasn’t sure how people would receive it. I’m trying to be especially positive right now so that I can just move on from the disappointment I felt yesterday with having my Lurasidone dose increased. I must keep writing.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


For the first time in the seven years I’ve been with my current psychologist, I decided to lie down during my session. I saw my psychiatrist after. In his notes 359 days ago, I was feeling close to how I’m feeling today.  We talked for a long time. I’m going back to the full dose of Lurasidone instead of the half dose I’ve been taking for months. It’s for my own good, but it will make me feel flat which will make it difficult to daydream which will make it difficult to write. At least it’s supposed to be temporary.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


Dearest l___, today wasn’t very good. One of my friends has been frustrating me and another friend actually pissed me off. I was thinking about it too much at the gym and to get it off my mind I tried recalling memories that felt peaceful. The first memory included B_____. The second one included G.H. I didn’t try for a third. l___, life was easier when I was younger. There weren’t so many dead people. B_____’s death really changed me. It taught me to shut people out. G.H.’s suicide made me angry. I’ve spent countless hours with therapists unraveling both.

Monday, May 27, 2013


I had a good three-day weekend. I read a lot. I wrote through a scene I was struggling with. I got to see Giggles, Gothy Poo, and Cynthia. I had lunch with someone I met online. I drank lots of coffee. I sent gifts. I received more good feedback on the new book. I went to the gym all three days. Todd gave me a good idea on how to expand my Maddie series; I’m still kicking around the idea. I worked a little bit on UCI stuff. I started practicing speaking German. My heart smiled a lot. I rested.

Sunday, May 26, 2013


I got home at 5:30 a.m. and only slept for an hour because of the sunlight. I hung out with Cynthia, Giggles, and Gothy Poo, among others. My face hurt from laughing. I play chess soon with Paul. In one of my dreams during that hour of sleep I was going around burglarizing houses with a friend from childhood, except we never stole anything; we just looked through people’s houses. We returned to this one house three times to look at two dead lizards on this stone bench. By the third visit they had vanished but their gooey shadows remained.

Saturday, May 25, 2013


I canceled my dinner reservations. I was supposed to take Martha out for her birthday, but she’s still sick. Now I don’t know what to do tonight. I should write, but I wrote for a long time yesterday and am a little drained. I feel good at the moment though; I had a good run at the gym. I’m getting faster. But even better than that, I’ve been getting a lot of feedback on my third book. It’s resonating very well with my audience, and I’ve even heard that it’s been a source of comfort. That makes me feel good.

Friday, May 24, 2013


I never told you that the first time I ever saw you was long before we ever met; it was even before I knew who you were. You were a passenger in a passing car. I don’t think you noticed me or noticed me staring. I asked the person I was walking with who you were, but she didn’t get a glimpse. Maybe today you wouldn’t even remember the night; it was years ago. But you should just believe me because two things that I know I’m good at are: keeping secrets and remembering the beautiful moments in my life.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


Sentences are stacking up in my head. My narrator is talking a lot. Maddie is talking a lot. Clacie is talking a little more, but her mother is talking a lot. I hope they’ll all keep babbling through the long weekend. I worked really hard today at work and am ahead of schedule again. But I feel too drained to write right now that I’m home. I guess I’ll go for a run, maybe that’ll help, but probably I’ll just read when I get back. I wish people didn’t need to sleep as much as they do… or lived longer.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Clacie is one of the main characters in The Cricket Chute. I’ve been struggling with her dialogue which has slowed down the progress of the script. She sounds childlike but flat and predictable. I’ve rewritten her lines in the first act numerous times already. But last night, on my way to dinner with Stina, it occurred to me that I could write her as illiterate and undereducated. That would be a nice challenge. With the exception of the narrator in my Maddie books, my main characters are always smart. But this script isn’t meant to be humorous. Should be fun.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


I had a good day. I went to work early and put in ten hours and forgot to take a lunch break. I pushed myself hard during my run. I had dinner with Stina. She’s excited about a new boy. It was nice to see her happy. I’m reading A Feather on the Breath of God by Sigrid Nunez and I really appreciate her writing style. Three people asked where my Facebook went, wondering if I deleted them. The answer is this good day. I’m doing many things I like instead of checking for status updates and comments every minute. 

Monday, May 20, 2013


I feel I found a good balance between work, writing, reading, and the gym. I’ve been able to do all four today and still have a couple of hours to spare. I talked with l___. That makes me hopeful that my life could potentially return to normal. I sat in a parking lot that I associate with Steve Gaudette. That made me sad and nostalgic. We had so many laughs before he moved away and before he died. This morning I reread favorite poems by Marina Tsvetaeva. Is it awful that I cherish her sadness? I love this afternoon’s sunlight. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013


Relations with two of my friends fell like card houses yesterday. I’ve rebuilt one, but the second is going to take a little longer to pick back up, but at least it’s going in that direction. I’m working with my psychologist on not hating myself so much. I won’t be doing affirmations like she suggested. To me that just feels like lying to your own face. But there are some things I’m going to work on, my weight of course, but I also thought of some other things I could improve. I’ll write about those things as I do them.

Saturday, May 18, 2013


I try to have no or low expectations of friends. That keeps me from becoming disappointed. I must have fucked up because I’ve been feeling let down by some of my friends. The argument I’ve been anticipating happened this afternoon. It’ll end up okay; I love this person too much to lose her, so I’ll fix it at any cost, but for the time being, I’m going to withdraw and only interact with a handful of people.  To that end, I deactivated my Facebook . I feel good about that; it’ll leave more time for me to work on me. 

Friday, May 17, 2013


I worked really hard at work today. I got a lot done, but I still have so much more to do. I plan on going in again in the morning even though it will be Saturday, just to try to get a handle on things. I came home tired, but I still wrote a lot. I’m still trying to finish the first act of The Cricket Chute. I hope to have it done before I fall asleep on Sunday. A reader drew a picture for me and filmed it. That made me really happy. I’m glad people like my books. 

Thursday, May 16, 2013


Last night I dreamed of a snake with blood in its mouth willfully slither into the mouth of a larger snake to be digested. What does that signify? I stumped both shrinks yesterday. I pointed out holes in their logic in different aspects of the same topic. They had nothing more to offer. Sometimes, psychology textbooks aren’t complicated enough to talk fully about people.  My psychologist asked me to do affirmations. Ugh. I ran over three miles. I came up with a mantra that I’m going to try to live by but am too embarrassed right now to share it.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I’m writing this in my psychiatrist’s waiting room. I just saw my psychologist at her office. As I often do, I interrupted my whining by asking her if I was making her angry. She told me no. I asked if she was sick of me yet. She asked why she would be sick of me and I replied that if I had to listen to a friend who has so many blessings whine about the shit I whine about every week, I’d want to tell him to “shut the fuck up.” She replied, “Shut the fuck up.”  I paid cash. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


I learned something about relationships. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind all my life. That’s all I’m going to say about it here. It’s vague, but I’ll remember what it is I’m talking about in this entry. This morning I received my first comment on why I dedicated my new book in memory of Amanda Todd. I was wondering how long that would take. The reader isn’t sympathetic toward her and is certainly not alone, but for me, Amanda’s story and her video broke my heart.  Someone purchased the book in Euros today. I wish I knew which country.

Monday, May 13, 2013


I packed up the chessboard at my desk today in order to make more room to accommodate my promotion. Despite losing my final chess match, I still had a good day. I talked to Giggles for a long time. I received comments from two readers stating that they really related to the new book. This afternoon though, things took a turn for the worst. I’ll handle it, but I’m mad at myself for not handling it sooner because someone I care about had her feelings hurt as a result. I hope it subsides soon, not for my sake, but hers.

Sunday, May 12, 2013


I had good weekend. I saw friends at a club, had dinner with my BFF, and then today I raced go karts and had my favorite Thai food for dinner with Stitches, Giggles, Gothy Poo and Cynth. I made a video of our day, including the use of a helmet cam during the race. I’ll upload it later this week. I didn’t write this weekend though. I need to refocus myself during the upcoming week. I must finish writing the first act of The Cricket Chute and go to the gym a lot. I may even begin writing Book 4. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013


It’s not 2:30 a.m. and I’m already home from Das Bunker. Sarah couldn’t come after all. I danced in the beginning but not long. I tried to slip out without anyone noticing, but Kyle saw me and came after me. I just didn’t want to be there anymore. I felt lonely even though I was there with so many friends. Somebody put six shots on my tab. I had a bottled water and closed out with a $95 bar tab. I get to see Amirah Saturday night. I’m looking forward to that. I haven’t seen my BFF yet during 2013. 

Friday, May 10, 2013


I’m bottling so many things up inside because I don’t want people to see that I’m hurting. I’m being talked into going out to Bunker tonight by Giggles and Lauren. I don’t know if it’s a good idea. There’ll be so many people to deal with. Disco is going with me. Our nights together are rare, so I have to take advantage. The car ride will be more significant to me than the club. I feel like I need to poke a hole in me and let the air out just so I can breathe again. These pills don’t work.

Thursday, May 09, 2013


I’ve been thinking about what you said today about planning to die before you stop being beautiful. I don’t think it will happen like you believe it will, but I was thinking, had I thought of that plan on my own, I would never have seen Y2K. Maybe I could go with you. If you want to pact it up, I mean. Your timeline would give me ten years to do all the things I want to do. I work well with timelines, so I might be more likely to die feeling fulfilled. But that’s dumb, you’ll be beautiful forever. 

Wednesday, May 08, 2013


My promotion at work was announced today at our staff meeting. I am now a Senior Administrative Analyst. I’m not sure what my working title will be yet. I’ll be taking over the accounting and budgeting duties in the office in addition to my projects. I have a lot to accomplish before my predecessor retires. I’ll be working long days and long weeks for a couple of months. I’m at home now and tired, but I haven’t written today so I’m hoping to finish the first three scenes of The Cricket Chute before my laundry finishes and I fall asleep.  

Tuesday, May 07, 2013


I signed 34 books tonight. It took me over two and a half hours to sign them, pack them, and address them. Most of them were going to people who graciously donated to my fundraiser. I’ll mail them all out in the morning. Not looking forward to that postage bill. It was past my bedtime by the time I finished, but I still went out to dinner with Todd after. He gave me more business advice, and he picked up the tab. Two points for ponies. When I got home, I made someone really happy. That was a nice feeling.

Monday, May 06, 2013


I slept late this morning. I used a vacation day so I could rest after Bats Day weekend. I took myself out to lunch and later in the day, I took Kyrie out to lunch. The new book is selling on Amazon already, so that’s pretty cool. That makes me feel like people were actually waiting for it. I need to think of new ways to market my books. There’s got to be more I could be doing. I just don’t know what. I go back to work tomorrow. It’ll be a long day. I have so many projects going. 

Sunday, May 05, 2013


I had a very good Bats Day weekend. I got to spend it with many of my closest friends. The weather this year was perfect too—it was overcast and cold, and momentarily rainy. I did feel like there were more dirty looks this year than any other year I have attended. Usually it feels like the non-goths are confused at first, but once they realize it is an event, they look at you more with curiosity than disdain. Often they’ll ask questions. Today it felt like there was a lot of judging going on. That was the only downer. 

Saturday, May 04, 2013


I signed a lot of books today at the Bats Day Black Market. It’s nice to see people who actually want to read the stuff you write. I was especially happy that everyone in my writing group came down from LA for the event. They’re all more talented than I am. I got to meet Wenderbread in person. That was a surprise. After the Black Market, I went out to a Japanese restaurant with Stitches and Cynth. Right now, I’m lying in bed watching Season Two of Jersey Shore while rendering the video I made today at the Black Market.

Friday, May 03, 2013


l___, that was a pretty gift this morning. Thank you. My mouth hasn’t moved that quickly in months. It made me happy. I should spit your pills out. I’m sorry, M___, that I’ve been cryptic. Sometimes I forget this blog has an audience. The photo of you on the bridge was a pleasant surprise. Amirah and I took a photo there last year. I guessed you would have seen it but I was wrong. Bats Day weekend is here. I’ve been waiting for it but now don’t feel prepared. I’m going to have to wear a happy face until Monday.

Thursday, May 02, 2013


Writing was difficult today. I don’t know why. I spent a lot of time describing a car driving through the desert at night. It took way too long for me to be satisfied with one page of script. I received an apology today that I didn’t ever expect to come. That put so much inside of me to rest.  Riley and I have been drifting. She has too much going on right now. I miss her. My radio interview was rescheduled to tomorrow. It’s warm out today. The summer months are approaching. I don’t know what to do with myself.  

Wednesday, May 01, 2013


Time flew during my session with my psychologist. The thing we talked about most I already knew the answer to and knew what she would say and knew I wouldn’t listen anyway. Sometimes it takes me so long to accept the truth even when I know what it is. Riley and I talked once about how she sees the world as it is and how I see it as I would like it to be. Too often I bring that viewpoint down to myself. My world is so much prettier and stays that way as long as I don’t interact.