Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Crowned


Today sort of just happened. I woke early. I did a lot of work but don’t really remember much about it. I got my tooth fixed yet again. I’ll try not to break it again before Bats Day or before I can get it crowned. I talked to Riley today, but not enough. I wrote little of the new script. Gothic Beauty Magazine wrote to confirm they are reviewing So This Bitch… in the next issue and requested cover art. I also selected some songs to have played during the radio show I’m being interviewed on. I feel so alone.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Message


Your message made me feel like shit. I’m pretty sure that was the point. I know you can be careless, but not this time. You did good. The depression I’m pretending isn’t there is becoming harder to ignore. I feel a little overwhelmed right now with Bats Day happening this weekend. I don’t wish I had more time; I wish that it had happened already. I received my first feedback on the new book. I was told it was the best one yet. That’s very positive, but being me, I had to consider how much the other books might suck.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Stitches


Stitches is such a good friend to me. Today she told me the absolute truth about something, that under the same circumstances I know my psychologist would have bent the truth in order to spare my feelings. I wish it were easier to leave Southern California because I think it would be good for me. Presently, I don’t know where to go, but it’s inconsequential since I know I won’t really leave. Maybe I need a vacation to travel somewhere I haven’t been. I’ve avoided writing today because it would mean putting down the first words of my current project.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Sunrise


I didn’t get home until 1 p.m. We hung out at Giggle’s and Gothy Poo’s beyond sunrise. I didn’t sleep. It’s hopeless once the sun is up. It took me over two hours to get home; traffic was terrible—many collisions, one especially bad. I tried to nap, but that proved difficult. I probably got an hour of sleep. I’m getting ready now to go out again. Cynth and I are going to Doomie’s because Stitches is working there for one night. I need coffee. I need to write a little before I leave. I’m waiting to hear book feedback. 

Friday, April 26, 2013

Facets


I met up with Cynth tonight. We went out to dinner in Hollywood and then saw the film The Lords of Salem. I didn’t think it was great storytelling, but I did find it entertaining and visually captivating. Cynth and I have shared secrets lately. It’s been nice seeing more facets I didn’t know were there. After the movie we went to Van Nuys and stayed up super late with Stitches, Giggles, and Gothy Poo. I signed some copies of the new book for them and people basically got drunk except for boring moody ponies who just drank two coffees. 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Branches


I was sad and panicky last night. Private stuff between me and Kyrie. At home, at my desk, my body was trying so hard to cry. Two tears fell out, that’s a lot for me with my meds. It felt good but didn’t feel like enough. As I slept, I dreamed of branches breaking and falling from trees to where I was standing below. The broken branches would rise back up and reclaim their former places only to fall down on me again. I used a branch to deflect the falling branches that would have hit me in the head.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Attempt


I was able to help Cynthia today. Gamer stuff. I love seeing her happy and excited. She answered the phone though wondering if I was okay or dead or something like that. I guess that means she’s been reading my posts. Blanca asked about that today too. She asked if I ever tried. I told her about a couple of times, and as I’m typing this I can think of two more. But only one was a real attempt. The other times were more like: if it happens I don’t care. I just thought of another. Damn, I’ve been reckless.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Veins


I’m becoming sadder with each passing day. I feel so detached, even from myself. I’m writing things but they feel apart from me. I don’t love my protagonists like they were my friends. Because of that, I don’t talk to them throughout the day so I don’t get to hear how they talk. The dialogue I’m putting out is flat. Characters are indistinct. I wish there were a prescription for enthusiasm that I could inject into my veins. Reading has been good though, but I’ve been using it to withdraw from people. I should go see Amirah, that might help.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Painting


I’m nearly finished discarding things I’ve been holding onto for too long. One of the last things is this large painting I purchased in 2003. I paid a lot for it, but I no longer like looking at it. I don’t know if I should toss it, contact the artist and give it back (if she is still living), or give it away. I’m being told by friends that I should try to put Book 4 out before Christmas, instead of May 2014 like I had planned so I could write The Cricket Chute first. I’ll try to do both.  

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Possessions


Today was good. I talked to Disco briefly. I worked more on the first act of The Cricket Chute and I read for a while. I’ve been listening to piano music lately. I feel empty inside. I’ve continued to throw away things I’ve been holding onto for over a decade. My possessions become less and less. I’m debating beginning to write Book 4. I want to take a break, but I think that maybe it would be better to capitalize on my marketing efforts and the attention I’ve been getting recently. Two people in my life are making me sad. 

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Particle


I almost took a different route home today. Had I, I wouldn’t have seen you walking. It wasn’t you of course, but from a distance I thought it was. This person walked slowly like you with a gait that made me wonder if it hurt. When I got closer, I realized it was someone I didn’t know at all. But in that brief moment in my personal particle of the universe, you weren’t dead anymore, because seeing your walk in a stranger made me forget. The world isn’t much different, not mine at least. You’re still in it.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Streak


I had an unpleasant day at work, which is rare. I became frustrated with my current project. I left and had lunch with Kyrie and then went home and talked to Riley on the phone. I’ve been writing well today, so at least that’s positive. I’m working on the first act of The Cricket Chute. I pissed off another person. My shit streak continues. This time it was about having to schedule with me so far in advance. That’s always been frustrating, even to my close friends, but they understand that there are so many things I want to do.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Charlotte

I’m feeling more and more detached. I haven’t been carrying my phone. I’m re-reading Remember Me by Bo Huston. It’s one of my favorites. I ordered a copy for Disco some weeks ago; she loved it too. That pleases me. She asked which of us was more like Charlotte (one of the protagonists). In re-reading it, I would pick her over me. I believe she would too. I feel more similar to the narrator. Sometimes I want to run away Puget Sound and live with Disco and a big pile of books. I think we are lot like Huston’s characters.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Landed


My psychologist said, “I don’t think you’re an asshole.” Hearing her cuss made me laugh even though I said the bad word first. We talked about a few things and then eventually landed on the topic of suicide when I mentioned the suicidal thoughts I’ve been having recently. With things like this she always asks me if the thoughts scare me and she always has difficulty understanding why they don’t. I tried telling her she didn’t have anything to worry about, that these were merely fantasies, but I had to promise her to phone my psychiatrist afterward. He didn’t answer.  

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Overgrowth

Last night I had two separate dreams that involved plant overgrowth blocking my path. One was near my elementary school and I walked around it because I was scared. The second was at the entrance I drive through to get on the UCI campus. I cussed when I saw that and did a U-turn, but don’t remember where I drove after. I’ve been going through one of my rebirth periods where I start getting rid of possessions I don’t want to hold onto any longer. During the process I found photos I forgot about and plays I forgot I wrote.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Heartbroken


I had difficulty remaining asleep last night. I’m still upset about losing my friend. I feel heartbroken over the loss. I talked to Amirah on the phone last night, which helped. She reminded me how upset I was in 2007 when I had my other fight with this person. What upsets me most is knowing that even if someday this all blows over, I can no longer trust this person because she took pleasure in hurting me. I hurt her too. I even started all this shit. But I never liked it. I’m no match for her in a fight. 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Wake


I’m trying to distract myself with work because reading didn’t distract me enough. I read five pages in three hours. I’m trying to stay out of bed. I lost an important friend yesterday. I did something careless that ended up being unforgivable. I’m upset because it’s my fault and I can’t fix it. Moments ago, I resigned to remaining severed. I don’t know what’s happening. I can think of five friends I’ve lost this year. I feel like I must not see the destruction I’m bringing, only its wake. Damn. I fucked up. Deep breaths. That’s the only thing helping.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Mine


I’m not looking forward to seeing my psychologist on Wednesday. If I’m honest and forthcoming with her, I’ll have to tell her that I’ve been thinking of suicide today and the past two days. There’s no good reason for it. A lot of me is happy. My book is finished and I like someone already. This just feels like a condition, like my depression or my S.A.D. In some ways it doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me even though it’s mine and is a part of me I can’t detach. Maybe it will go away. Three more words.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Pilates


The goal I made this week with my health coach was to take one group fitness class per week. Today I had my first Pilates class. OMG. It was so difficult that it gave me a headache. I did feel good afterwards, although my legs were shaky. I hope that it gets easier soon. My rule about no masturbation unless I’ve been to the gym that day has been working great. I was looking forward to it all day at work, but after that Pilates class I feel too tired to even jerk off. Can you imagine that? Unheard of. 

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Daze


l___, save me from this. I’m going to get hurt. I already want to feel it ripping my skin apart. I’m listening to Johnette right now just to make myself feel like crying, but of course the pain in her voice isn’t enough to overcome the meds keeping us apart. That’s probably saying way too much about what’s in my head but, right now, I just don’t care. It was that drive home yesterday, with you showing me B_____ like that. It’s put me in a daze that was still with me when I woke. Turn the lights down, please. 

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Proof


I was tired again today. I didn’t get much sleep after getting home late last night. I talked to Riley on Skype; that made me happy. I had a great run at the gym after work. I received the proof to the new book today. It looks really good. I need to read through it one more time, but this time in its paper form. I took Kyrie to dinner. I had a Spanish hot chocolate. Watching my calories. l___, I want to thank you for visiting. It’s nice to have a friend I don’t have to explain myself to. 

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Profile


I wrote a short poem yesterday. I forgot to mention that. It’s called Widowing. I’ve been tired lately. I’ve been working a lot. When I left the office I came home and took a nap. I woke up hungry and called Farishta to see if she wanted to have dinner. We met up. She had tea while I ate. After we were finished we talked for a couple of hours. She always has good stories. I’m so glad she could meet on such short notice. She talked me into making a profile on OKCupid. I answered over fifty personality questions. 

Monday, April 08, 2013

461


I talked to my health coach and she asked that I start tracking my exercise. I also told her my secret to getting to the gym. I ran on the elliptical for forty minutes. The machine indicated I burned 461 calories, but SparkPeople indicated 623. I met Kyrie on her lunch and brought her a sandwich and cupcake from Native Foods. I came straight from the gym, so I wasn’t dressed appropriately for the cold that came with the wind, so I didn’t stay long.  It was nice seeing her though and she gave me a hug as I left 

Sunday, April 07, 2013

21st


Today, my six-year-old nephew asked me, “Why is it called ball if it’s oval?” After I realized he was talking about testicles, I laughed my head off and told him that that was a good question. I lost my first chess match and won the second. I visited Kabuki and gave her a lighting kit. I had lunch with Kyrie. That was nice but made me sad, but I’ll have to save the sad part for my secret blog. I met with my typesetter. We worked for hours and are close to being done. We’re currently on our 21st draft. 

Saturday, April 06, 2013

Sassafras


I had a really good day today. I went to work in the morning to finish the portion of the project I didn’t finish on Friday since I went home early because of that stupid anxiety attack. After that I went to Hollywood to meet up with Stitches and Shane. Traffic sucked. It took me two and a half hours to get there. We had a huge lunch at Doomie’s and then went to this really cool bar called Sassafras. I had non-alcoholic ginger beers that they make there. It was really good. We blabbed for hours and laughed tons. 

Friday, April 05, 2013

Attack


I had an anxiety attack today. It wasn’t the worse one I’ve had but it lasted a long time. I don’t have these happen often so I don’t typically carry medication on me for it. Riley suggested I take a walk outdoors. That helped. Taking deep breaths of cold air helped as well, but it wasn’t enough so I went home an hour early and took a Klonopin and went to bed. We had another setback with the typesetting of the book. I hope it comes out in time for Bats Day. I feel hungry, but I also feel nauseated. 

Thursday, April 04, 2013

Freeze


I don’t need a time machine. I’m pretty sure I’d be depressed in any era. What I need is a freeze time machine. I could pick a few moments when I felt happy that I could freeze and just stay there. Hopefully, I’d still be cognizant while everything was frozen. Or maybe not. That might allow me to become bored with being happy. I ate a shit ton of spinach today. I’m getting ready for my third coffee because I’m working late today. I feel like I’m annoying friends a lot today. I don’t know what to do with myself. 

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Paperweight


I had an active session with my therapist today. I had a lot to talk about. I also promised her I would do something today that I didn’t want to do. I just did it. I really let somebody down and I feel like shit. I feel foolish. I feel like I worry too much, but that’s how my parents raised me. The stress I was feeling before I did it is subsiding but changing into something else. I feel like a paperweight dropped in a pond and don’t feel like surfacing. I think that’s what Tara Raikatuji felt like.

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Familiar


I was exhausted this morning from the night before. I’m worried my book won’t come out on time. That would be costly.  I don’t know if I mentioned in my blog yet that Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken received a very good review in thelatest issue of Gothic Beauty Magazine. I’m very happy about that. The reviewer, Gail Brasie, was already familiar with Kimberlee Traub’s work and she referred to me as multi-talented, which I learned today was because she knew I also wrote screenplays. Gail also reviewed So This Bitch… which will be in the following issue.

Monday, April 01, 2013

Gutters


I’m awake way past my bedtime. I worked for hours with my typesetter again today. I thought we finished everything but the book didn’t pass the online proofing stage. We had the gutters for the book set at .75 inches like they were for the other two books. But since this book is twice as long, they needed to be set at .90 inches. That means the first letters of every line would disappear into the center of the book. Once the gutters are adjusted, we’ll have to go through every line of the book again. I am so tired.