Sunday, March 31, 2013

Girl


I won both of my chess matches this morning and then went to the gym so I could run. After that, I met with my typesetter. We went over the layout of the new book and placed all the illustrations. I’m home now and just finished going through the galleys for the first round of revisions. We’re close to being back on schedule. Many of my friends must prefer me single. I keep receiving speeches about this girl or that girl not being right for me or good enough. I’m not a great catch, so I just don’t get it. 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Pages


My life has begun to feel more relaxed since I stopped accessing my social networks. I think Facebook is the real problem, which is fine because I like Twitter more. I spent the majority of my day outlining The Cricket Chute and I began writing the first act. All daylong and I don’t even have two complete pages, but oh well, I’m still working things out. Tonight I read outside. I’m re-reading Remember Me by Bo Huston. I love this book. I need to shower. I’m going to an art show in LA that Giggles and Mise have pieces in.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Webhost


I was at work for over an hour before I realized it was a campus holiday. I left and intended to spend my day writing and reading. I thought I would have a peaceful day, but the meagothy site went down. I’ve been having trouble with my webhost (Fatcow) for the past couple of months. I learned they were recently purchased and a lot of their tech support has been outsourced. The ordeal has been going on all day and is still not resolved. I hired my own IT person through Elance. I overate at dinner just to cope. Fuck. 

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Away


I sent out an email to some friends yesterday indicating I would be stepping away from social networks for a while. I removed FB and Twitter from my bookmarks and phone. I’ve become immersed in the problems of many others and haven’t been addressing the problems that actually belong to me. I don’t know how long it will last. Social networks have built a lot of momentum for my books and I don’t want to risk losing that. I wish I wasn’t on one of my meds. I wouldn’t feel so lonely. Mazzy Star. Bo Huston. The Cricket Chute. CIM.  

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Blue


My back still hurts. I slept with a vibrating heating pad last night. I woke with my back feeling improved, but about an hour into work, it hurt just as much as it did before. This is what getting old is like. Great. I’m listening to this live version of Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground on Spotify. I tried to OD on painkillers and sleeping pills in college while listening to it on repeat. I was out for nineteen hours. How reckless I used to be. I used to let my heart do too much of my thinking.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Flakes


I had such a good conversation with DaniellE this morning. But other than that things have been shit. I haven’t been getting along with people lately. I don’t know if it’s just miscommunication, my bad moods, or if people are in reality being annoying. I even had a difficult conversation with Sarah. That’s not uncommon, but usually we are on the same side. I need a break from people. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone, but I think it hasn’t been long enough. I have multiple sets of plans this weekend, and I’m hoping everyone flakes on me. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

Cricket


I’ve been kicking around different ideas of what to write next. I have projects that I have already written or already started that I should probably work on, but I feel like I’m at a moment of rebirth, and so I want to write something new. I talked to Riley about this and told her that I’m considering writing a new horror film. She asked that it involve snuff and cannibalism, and so that got the wheels spinning and I’ve been putting the story together ever since.  For right now, I’m titling it The Cricket Chute. There will be spiders.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Meh


I spent my morning rearranging furniture, organizing my workspace, and dusting my bookshelves. In the afternoon I picked up Kyrie and we went out to lunch before going to a few stores so she could get some things for her apartment and I could get crickets for Iphigenia and Orlando. I went to the gym at night to get a run in before bedtime. Cashing in on my gym incentive was just meh. It wasn’t anything special, but helped me relax. I’m looking forward to the upcoming week because my third book might be ready to create a printed proof.   

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Donor


I took my Project Management final tonight. I’m glad to be done with that course. I spent most of my day just getting myself organized. I have many small projects going including forgetmelots.com. I talked to Martha earlier this week and she convinced me to start working on them again. That will be fun. I love cutting linoleum and thinking of dumb things for my cards to say. I made a video this morning talking about how I will no longer be a sperm donor for Giggles because there are simply too many complications with my medications and mental issues. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Pounds


I lost five pounds this week. I have been eating better and going to the gym more than I ever have. The more I work out, the more difficult I find it to comfortably remain below my calorie count. That makes sense but I don’t know what to do about it.  I have to take my Project Management final sometime before Sunday. I would have taken it during the day but my eyes were blurry from the Ambien I took the night before and after the gym I just didn’t feel like it. I went to Veggie Grill alone instead. 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Important


It’s still light out and I just took a melatonin and an Ambien. I normally try to only take melatonin but all week I haven’t been staying asleep. I left work an hour early so I could try to sleep. No gym today and despite my dinner being over 800 calories, I still remained below my maximum daily calorie count. I mentioned to Riley that I’m rewriting Filming Tara Raikatuji and she remembered that I wrote that screenplay a long time ago. I feel important to her. Stitches talked me out of being interested in someone I find extremely attractive. 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Prozac

The incentive I invented yesterday to make myself go to the gym worked again today. I also stayed below my calorie count. It’s been a long day though. I drove Kyrie to work and then saw my psychiatrist. We talked for forty minutes about letting me get off Prozac. There wasn’t a definite answer and I understand his logic. I just need to do some thinking. Becca asked to see a picture of when I had a spider I could handle. I went looking through college pictures and of course came across pictures of M___. I still love that girl.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Incentivize


I feel good about myself today. I ate cleanly and pushed myself at the gym. I wanted to stop my cardio after six minutes but made myself keep going for thirty minutes. I was also able to leg press more than usual. I stayed under my maximum calorie count for the day as well. I have three important daily goals: write, read, and exercise. I thought of a way to incentivize myself to do all three. I won’t say what it is yet; I want to see if it works first. Riley made me laugh a ton today. She’s funny.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Opportunity


I sent the final draft of Book 3 to the typesetter this morning. He believes he’ll be able to work quickly, so we may actually get back on schedule by the time we go to print. I arrived at work at 3:30 a.m. this morning. I couldn’t sleep. The night before, I was talking on the phone after I took my sleeping meds. There is this window of opportunity that I need to fall asleep within after I take my nighttime meds. If I stay awake beyond it, I’ll remain awake all night. That’s what happened last night. I’m tired.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Cabbage


I spent most of the day reading and studying in bed. I met Kyrie on her lunch so I could bring her a vegan corned beef and cabbage sandwich that Native Foods was having today. I wasn’t very hungry, so I gave her my sandwich for later, and just kept my side dish of vegan potato salad with parsley and dill. It was awkward hugging her hello. It was less awkward hugging her goodbye. It was really nice to see her though, and not just because she was wearing bright green pants for St. Patrick’s Day. We will be friends.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Temporary


I spent the majority of my day in bed with books, Jersey Shore, and my laptop. Kyrie and I texted a little. I still worry too much. I’m not hurting as much in my heart as I had been, but I do have to remind myself throughout the day that our breakup happened and that this isn’t just some temporary state I’m in. I really miss her. I’m contemplating going up to Seattle to an event where I can have a booth for my books. I’ve made a friend there through LinkedIn who plugged my books on her radio show.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Readers


I miss Kyrie. It feels strange to not have seen her in days. I feel like I need to find new restaurants to eat at that I won’t associate with her, but that’s not too easy when you’re vegan. I had a very good conversation with DaniellE over IM today. She gave me good advice. Today is the first day of the Ink Bleed Books and Th1rte3n’s Closet giveaway. So far it’s been going really well. I have many entries already and many downloads of Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken. It’s really exciting to know you’re getting new readers.


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Dating


Upon the recommendation of friends, I joined a dating website a couple of weeks ago. So far, I’ve rejected all the “matches” that have been sent my way. I figure, if I don’t know them in person, it’s perfectly fine to be extra selective. This must be what really hot people feel like at a club. Reviewing the people selected for me is also making me not want to date anyone. I can think of sculptures I’ve seen in museums I’d rather be with. I watched four episodes of Jersey Shore last night. The mindlessness has been a great comfort. 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Hollowed


I feel like such a loser right now. Kyrie’s things are gone. I’m happy for her, but parts of me feel all hollowed out. I’ve been turning away from friends. Elo is here from Seattle this weekend, and I canceled our lunch. I don’t even feel like answering Disco’s text message about a book I sent her that I love. I hope it won’t hurt her to read that. I just need some days to myself. I can function around people, but I don’t feel like engaging on any significant level. I should go to the gym. But not today. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Disappeared


Today has been difficult. Kyrie’s application to her apartment was approved today. We’ve just about finished boxing everything up. I know it’s sad for us both. It feels really over now. I guess before the things disappeared it just felt like denial. I want time to myself now, but I also think it’s going to be helpful in my healing process to be close friends with her very soon. We’ll be sleeping side by side for one more night. I’m already dreading the morning. I’ll have to go to work while she’s still in bed, and that will be it. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

Ugly


I’m an asshole. I just bit Kyrie’s head off. I said mean things. I was frustrated watching her browse the internet. It felt like nothing had changed even though our roles are much different now that we’re broken up. I should have just gone out because I wanted to have some alone time, but I was too tired and just wanted to stay in bed. I was so mean to her. It wasn’t fair. I’m making our amicable break up ugly. I just want to move past this uncomfortable period already. It’s keeping me depressed and it’s making lash out. 

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Nighttime


I spent most of my day indoors. I overslept because I went to Helter Skelter last night. I had a lot of homework to get through as well. I don’t know what happened to the day. It just seemed to disappear. It became nighttime again very quickly. I’ve been eating out nearly every meal. I’ve been eating at healthy places, but the portions are always too big. I’ve gained weight and I can tell that my capacity for eating has grown. I really need to stop this. I’m ruining all the progress I had made just because I feel down.

Saturday, March 09, 2013

Velvet


I got a lot done today. I did Stitches’ taxes. I saw the first draft of the cover of Book 3. I sent back a revision request. I approved the final drafts of the 33 illustrations. And tonight, I sent back a new draft to my proofreader. I also reviewed the work that the contractor I hired did for the meagothy website. He did a really good job. Tonight, I’m going to Helter Skelter for Stitches’ birthday. I wish Giggles could go. But of course, she’s banned from that club. I’ve been listening to The Velvet Underground all day long. 

Friday, March 08, 2013

Seed


I can tell I’m becoming depressed. I’ve been dragging my feet on some things I need to get done just because I feel overwhelmed. I’m overeating. I’m making poor dietary choices. I want to stay in bed. Not sleeping. Just sitting there. The sitting is my most obvious depression indicator. Becca gave me a seed to an idea for a subplot to Book 4. It would help fill the storyline. I didn’t want to start working on that book yet, but my mind is already racing trying to put this story together, but I have to finish The Scribbled Victims.

Thursday, March 07, 2013

our/my


I met with Blanca in Canoga Park today. That’s all I’ll say about that. I had a horrible lunch before we met. The restaurant was filthy and the food tasted bad. I sat in tons of traffic on the way home. It took nearly three hours. My iPod is a lifesaver. Kyrie and I talked while sitting on our/my bed. It was sad. It felt like another goodbye. That’s so irrational since I do believe we will remain friends. But it still feels like a huge door closing all the same. Riley’s been doing a good job keeping me company.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Sucky


I feel like such a failure. The closer Kyrie is to finding a place of her own, the more I feel like a sucky boyfriend that a person needs to run from. Kyrie told me again that I was a good boyfriend. That means a lot but doesn’t make me feel better. I’m tired today. I took a melatonin and an Ambien last night and slept in this morning. I have a lot of work piling up. Work work, homework, writing work, website work. After talking to Riley, I decided my next project would be to rewrite The Scribbled Victims.

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Irregardless


I spent most of my day in bed. I woke not feeling good. I went through the edits of the first five chapters of the new book. It’s not always simple to make corrections because of the style of narration. Some of it is intentionally grammatically incorrect. And I like that my narrator believes the word irregardless is a proper word. I received another message from a fan of my books. It feels so good knowing that someone likes what you daydreamed up and wrote down. I’ve been eating too much. I feel fat. I feel insulated. I feel alone.

Monday, March 04, 2013

Treasure


I was tired for most of my workday, yet I was still able to get a lot done. I received more illustrations today for the third book, but I’m going to have to ask for a redraw on one of them. Kyrie and I picked up dinner together tonight. That was nice. The food too, especially the vegan macaroni and cheese. My conversations with Sarah have been strange lately. They begin, but never finish. I feel like I’m putting together shreds of a treasure map trying to find out where she’s at inside herself. I love that girl so much. 

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Makeup


I spent the day in San Diego with Lauren. We went to lunch and planned out a photo shoot for her makeup portfolio. We went to coffee after that so I could do homework and then went out to sushi. The drive home gave me a lot of time to think about things. I’ve crushed on Lauren for many years, but it’s never gone anywhere. Crushing is safe. But now that I’m single again, I don’t think I want to pursue this. I’ll just be disappointed chasing someone who has never wanted me back. I like doing that drive though.

Saturday, March 02, 2013

Ireland


I went to a party last night at Natasha’s house for Erika’s birthday. I had an interesting conversation with Jessica. Tonight, I went to dinner with Caroline and Blanca and had another interesting conversation. I know I’m being vague, but I don’t feel like divulging here or to most people who might ask. I think I’m nearly done with taking a break after finishing Book 3. I feel like writing a few things, but need to pick something. I made a new friend online. She’s from Ireland which means she has a really good accent. She’s been promoting my books. 

Friday, March 01, 2013

Remove


I told Kyrie this morning I had to remove her from my Facebook and Twitter. She can still contact me of course, but seeing her posts just wasn’t helping me. I don’t even think I’ve fully accepted that we’re over yet. Some of me still wants to believe it isn’t true. Even if it is for the best, it seriously sucks in the now. I talked to Amirah on the phone very early this morning. That was a big help. My BFF is so good to me. In most other areas of my life, things are good. I feel motivated.