Thursday, January 31, 2013

Seeds


So far I’ve raised $215 toward my thousand-dollar goal for my book fundraiser on indiegogo. The book is getting better each time I run through it again. I still have new chapters to write though and am running out of time, but I still might make it since I know how the story ends. I made two small loans to two entrepreneurs in Palestine today. One needs money to buy seeds and plants for his farm, the other needs money to buy a television set for the public gathering place he operates. I talked to Disco which made me happy.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Stop


My indiegogo crowdfunding page to help fund the production of Book 3 raised $180 on the first day. I have very supportive friends. That feels good. I’m glad I decided to do this. I would really like to pay the people who help me more. I saw my psychologist for the first time this year. I had a lot to talk about. She had to stop me. I’m pretty sure she’s sick of me. She still doesn’t have any fish in her fish tank. I needed to write more than I did today. I don’t really know why I didn’t. 

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Cemetery


Our friend was taken off life support today. His funeral is on Sunday. Part of me is worried that people who would ordinarily attend won’t because of the Super Bowl. I went to the cemetery today, the one I’ve gone to since high school, in order to make a new YouTube video for my indiegogocampaign to raise money for the production of Book Three. The book will come out for sure, but it would be nice to raise some money in advance and I’d like to pay the people who help me make the books more than I have. 

Monday, January 28, 2013

Goodbye


It was a somber evening. Kyrie and I went to the hospital to say goodbye to a young man who will be taken off life support tomorrow. He has an aneurysm. He wasn’t yet thirty. Kyrie and I attended his wedding. His wife was being so strong. The life in his eyes was gone but his hand was still warm. A machine regulated his breathing. One of the books on death my psychologist had me read suggested the possibility of more awareness than we believe in people assumed to be unconscious, so I held his hand for a long while.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Good


I wrote for hours today beginning at coffee at 6 a.m. and then later at home. I basically wrote until my head hurt and I wasn’t feeling creative. I made a lot of progress, but I’ve still only completed three of the chapters. I believe there will be a total of eight. Kyrie and I had dinner together last night. We had a good talk, but I won’t say too much about our conversation today except that it was good. I went to the hospital this evening to see my newest nephew. I’m behind on my reading but I’m sleepy.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Tock


I’m all over the place emotionally. My heart is swinging like a pendulum. Amirah has been so good listening to me tick tock. It’s got to be annoying her. It means a lot to me that Kyrie told me that I was a good boyfriend. Her housing arrangement didn’t work out so she brought her things back yesterday, but I don’t know what’s going to happen from here. She’s been gone all day. I thought that would be a good thing, having time alone to think. But all I’m doing is sitting in bed dwelling. Could I have done more?

Friday, January 25, 2013

Gone


It was pleasant to walk in the rain this morning. Kyrie broke up with me last night. She told me she could move out today. I knew something was happening but I didn’t see this coming. Kyrie’s being stronger than I’ve been. We’ve had problems and I’ve tried ending it before but always wavered when it became difficult. I was sad this morning leaving for work because I knew she would be gone by the time I got home. I’m too old not to know this hurt is going to subside and turn into nostalgia, but for now it hurts. 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Tweaking


Writing today went well, but I wasn’t writing as strongly as the day before. I was tweaking this one section for hours. I still feel positive about it though. Due to a change with my insurance I had to change doctors. I met my new primary care physician today. I think I like him. We seem to communicate well. I’ll have to see. He ordered some blood tests and scheduled me for a full physical. That’s what being old is about. I also made my second YouTube video today about some stores I love on Etsy, including Cynthia’s new store

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Digressions


I wrote extremely well today. That felt great. I’m excited to pick up where I left off tomorrow. This book will be at least as long as Book 2, but so far it has fewer chapters. The narrator might be going on too long in too many directions, but I’ve been told his digressions are fun. I had a nice session with my psychiatrist. He didn’t agree to take me off Prozac but we did come to a compromise, that presently I’m not inclined to discuss. I talked to my new friend Wendy a lot today. That made me happy. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Pumpkin


I’m writing well today but I feel exhausted and nauseated. I’m not sure what is going on. I’m thinking maybe I didn’t eat enough today, but I don’t feel hungry. I had some oranges, this pumpkin date bar, some vegan curry, some carrots, some prunes, and some nuts. I’m going to stop writing for the day and just rest until it’s time to pick Kyrie up from work. Maybe we’ll go out to dinner and I’ll feel better. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I’m going to ask him to take me off the Prozac I take in addition to Wellbutrin.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Skin


I had a great workout today with my trainer. I didn’t complain as much as usual. I ran three miles beforehand too. My skin condition isn’t doing so good these past couple of days. I don’t think it’s dietary, so I’m guessing it’s stress. I’m guessing it’s stress over the new book.  I’ve been getting views on my YouTubevideo. That’s been nice. No one has pointed out yet how ugly I am. Kyrie felt well enough to go out to lunch today. I made good choices for my meal, but I did have a Spanish hot chocolate. Oh well. 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Craving


I’m falling behind schedule on the new book. I hope I finish in time. I don’t want to put something out before it’s ready. I feel distracted. I’m not as focused when I sit down to write. I’ve been making the time, but not producing enough. Eating clean has been becoming easier and easier. I’ve been craving fruits and vegetables instead of other kinds of processed snacks. I think I may actually succeed with getting healthy. Kyrie is still sick, but I can tell she’s getting better. My neck hurts. That’s on my mind more than anything else right now. 

Saturday, January 19, 2013

YouTube


I introduced my parents to my dentist in the morning. I went into the office after that. Before I began working, I made my first YouTubevideo. Todd convinced me to start making them. I sound horrible and look worse, but oh well, there’s not much I can do about that. I’ll post it soon. Kyrie slept most of the day. She wanted pineapple and avocados and so I let her come along for the ride to get some air. I hope she feels better soon. I saw Farishta in the afternoon. As always, our time went by too quickly.  

Friday, January 18, 2013

Something


My trainer was surprised I said I felt great. She’s used to hearing something despondent. I’m sure it’s because I’ve nearly eliminated all processed foods from my diet. Unfortunately, Kyrie has the flu. I took her to the doctor this evening. Oddly, I got this year’s flu shot earlier in the day. I made progress outlining my book. I need three more scenes, but I don’t know what they are yet. I sent Cynthia surprise gifts for her new business. She told me I made her feel things. She didn’t specify what but I believe it’s something good, something warm.  

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Mud


I love when my spiders are fat and happy. I’m writing this while sitting in front of them. I worked on A Goth Noob Picnic in the Cemetery Where DJ Dumbshit is Buried for a few hours. I wrote well today. I’m feeling better about my deadline. Kyrie is sick. I brought her vegan lentil soup after work, later she sent me out for soy ice cream and soy cookie dough. Just what the doctor didn’t order. I signed up for a mud run. It’s on my bucketlist. That will be one of the two items I’ll complete this year.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Impaled


Our division had a party today. My raffle ticket won one of the prizes. In the morning, I talked to Lark which was nice. I hadn’t messaged with her in a couple of weeks. I have too many email conversations going right now too. It’s a lot to keep track of. Ashley asked me to look for references for the sixth illustration for my children’s book. During her search for images depicting someone who had been impaled, she came across too many real-life photos and she found them disturbing. If you’re wondering, my children’s book isn’t really intended for children.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Prozac


I finished that project that has been taking me forever to complete. I’m waiting for approvals. I talked to Jessica on the phone today for nearly an hour. We had a lot of catching up to do. I told her about an argument I had with someone and she told me that I’m scary when I get angry. That surprised me. I didn’t think I was that bad. She did clarify though that it’s largely because it’s rare for me to get angry. I’ve decided to ask my psychiatrist to take me off Prozac because I have no sex life. 

Monday, January 14, 2013

Misunderstanding


I’m still not a hundred percent better, but I went to work today and got a lot done. I’ve been working on the same thing for about a month now. I’ll be glad when I’m finished. It’s a tedious project. I talked to Cynthia on IM. That was nice. Kyrie and I had a misunderstanding that really blew. We talked for a long time. We still went out to dinner though and went shopping afterwards. I bought some black hangers and I bought her some new jeans. I haven’t scheduled an appointment with my psychologist yet this year. I should. 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Flying


I spent most of the day resting again. I feel like I’m getting better, but I still have this cough that tastes nasty. I’ve been stressed with more family stuff going on and the days flying by without me keeping up with them with the writing of Book Three. I ate vegan pizza today. I’m allowed to since it is the weekend, but I didn’t feel very good after. I ate too much and it made me feel sluggish. I may need to consider eating clean all week instead of giving myself these weekend passes. I miss talking to Disco.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Surprised


Today hasn’t been a good day for me. I hope it was a wonderful day for you, M. I hope something surprised you. I’ve felt sick all day. More stuff has been happening with my family, which has just worn me out more. I broke out into a fever earlier, but that has since subsided. I feel nauseated now.  I won’t be going out tonight. When I’ve had energy, I’ve been writing Book 3. I found a suitable myth from the Lakota people of North America. I’m already having fun being this narrator again. I hope this book doesn’t suck.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Pinup


I closed my bank accounts with Bank of America. I had been with them since 1996, when I still lived in Santa Cruz. I had the same pin number for all those years. I believe they only allow four digits now but mine was still six: 011275. When asked why I was closing, I replied I have a credit union and that I’m mad at Bank of America for accepting taxpayer bailout money then giving executive bonuses. In the end, the banker and I ended up talking about Bats Day, goth stuff, and she showed me pinup pictures of herself. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Suicides


I’m running into some difficulties with Book 3. Initially, I was searching for a Peruvian myth to base the book on but didn’t find one, so I switched to basing it on a handful of suicides in Greek mythology. Tonight, I realized the suicides were making the book too heavy and depressing for what I want the series to be. So now, even though I have a hard deadline, I am back to researching myths. I’m reading a book of Native American myths now. I’m hoping to find a suitable trickster myth. Needless to say, I am beginning to stress. 

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Noob


I have been in touch with my illustrator, cover designer, typesetter, and proofreader, and everyone is on board with the production schedule for book 3. I must turn in a draft to Kimberlee Traub, the illustrator, by February 3. I hope to finish in time. I held a contest to have a reader make up the title for the third book. I selected aspects from two submissions and combined it with the title of a piece of literature I love. So, here is the title to book 3: A Goth Noob Picnic in the Cemetery Where DJ Dumbshit is Buried.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Literary


When I was younger, I would dream of literary greatness. After reading The Eve of St. Agnes, I felt pressured upon learning John Keats died of tuberculosis at age 26. Once I reached 26 I comforted myself with knowing Leo Tolstoy wrote War and Peace when he was 43. I’m not 43 yet, but already Leo has got nothing on me with my chicken book and bitch book. Yeah right. Sometime during my late twenties, I came to understand that although I may have developed a certain proficiency for writing, I don’t possess the talent of the writers I admire.

Monday, January 07, 2013

Elevated


I’m feeling pretty good today. I think eliminating processed foods from my diet has elevated my mood. I got a lot of work done today. I feel like I’m back into my usual routine of prioritized to-do lists. I feel so efficient. I texted my trainer to ask if she could train me today in addition to my usual Friday session. I had a pretty good work out, better than I expected for it being my first day back at the gym after being ill for so long. I’m anxiously awaiting for responses to two emails I sent out yesterday.

Sunday, January 06, 2013

Dream


A couple nights ago I felt like I was going to have my recurring dream where I watch this apparition of a woman roam the rows of this little cemetery mourning the loss of her baby. It didn’t come until last night, but this time it was different. For the first time, I saw her outside the cemetery. Usually she seems trapped inside the cemetery the way that a monster is assigned to a specific room in a video game. She’s seen and chased me before, but this time she looked me in the face. Trying to find a meaning.

Saturday, January 05, 2013

:[yfA]:


I didn’t sleep much last night. I woke early too. I had the third book on my mind. The story is falling into place finally. I took lots of good notes this morning. It finally feels like there is structure. I went to Hollywood later to have lunch at Doomie’s and then to get matching :[yfA]: tattoos with Giggles. I haven’t had a tattoo in a couple of years. I forgot how stimulating the pain is. It ended too soon. I do wish Stitches was there with us. Hopefully, she can get it later and we three can all go.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Deadline


I left work an hour early today. I came home to rest. In the evening, I received an email from Bats Day announcing the Black Market in May. I submitted my application, which now gives me a firm deadline when I need to have the third book completed by. I’m trying to nail down a writing deadline. I’d like to say a date in February, but that might be optimistic. But I do want to give enough time not to rush Kimberlee Traub with the illustrations as well as my book designer, proofreader, and typesetter. Tell you the title soon.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Redirect


I woke up feeling better, but by my fifth hour at work, I began to feel bad again so I went home early. It’s become so dull spending so much time in bed. I’m glad I have lots of new books. I finished reading this book on Norse mythology. I expected to find something that dealt with overcoming cowardice in there that I could use for book three, but I didn’t. I haven’t found anything in other mythologies either. I’m going to redirect my search to myths involving suicide. Hopefully the change will make it easier to find something suitable.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Reference


Something has been on my mind that just feels peculiar. On Christmas Eve, I brought Jessica her Christmas gifts. We sat and talked for a while after. During that conversation she asked me how my friend Maddie was. I thought she was fucking with me, and I didn’t know why. She referred to an ailment Maddie didn’t have. I told her Maddie died, and that seemed like news to her. Did she forget? I panicked when I heard Maddie said in reference to my friend and not the character in my books. I’m still confused but don’t want to ask.

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Resolutions

It’s 2013 today. That’s exciting. I don’t always make resolutions, but I’m going to make some this year. 
  1. Reduce the amount of processed foods I eat.
  2. Bring healthy lunches from home rather than going out to eat with co-workers.
  3. Always take lunch breaks.
  4. Never eat lunch at my desk.
  5. See Amirah at least twice.
  6. Check off two items on my bucket list.

Before I do everything on the list, I imagine I’ll need to get over this illness. I’m looking forward to going to back to work tomorrow, but I still feel like shit.