Friday, November 30, 2012

Disappear


All these things I call my own are going to disappear, most of them when I’m dead, the rest when those I left behind die. The memories are so pretty that it hurts to know they’ll be forgotten. It will be as if they never were. I’ve already lost friends and their memories are waiting for me to die. It sucks trusting so few people. My favorite favorites will only live after me in a couple of relations. There’s going to be so little of me soon. I wonder how long my shrinks will keep my files after I’m gone. 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Spreadsheet


I failed to attend the spin class I signed up for. I was mentally exhausted after work and didn’t want to do anything but sleep. Plus, the majority of comments I received on Facebook when I mentioned that I was going to take my first spin class weren’t very encouraging. I’ll reschedule it anyway, but I don’t know when. I enjoy Christmas shopping despite the fact that it usually stresses me out. I think I like making my annual Christmas spreadsheet more than any other part of the process. I still haven’t written anything for my mother’s annual family newsletter. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Recording


This morning, I had one sip of my coffee before spilling it across my desk. I’m lucky that I’m virtually paperless otherwise a lot could have gotten ruined. The workers at Starbucks were surprised to see me back so soon. I expected to pay, but the manager wouldn’t let me. I don’t like the way my voice sounds. I tried recording me reading some sentences from Forever Candy, but I sound so whiny that I deleted the recordings rather than post them. I want to go on a road trip. I don’t know where. Somewhere far, that’s the only requirement.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Hoodie


I went to work today despite not feeling great. I have a project I need to finish by Friday. I could take it home to do in my pajamas, but I don’t work as quickly at home as I do when I’m in the office early in the morning without anyone else there. Once people arrive, things slow down considerably with all the conversations and interruptions, but it’s probably still better than having the ability to retreat to bed to read a book or watch Jersey Shore. When people are in the office, wearing headphones over my hoodie hood helps.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Forty


I’m typically on the treadmill for forty minutes, but today I only lasted twenty-five. I began feeling nauseated. I canceled my personal training session that was to occur after my forty minutes on the treadmill. I don’t know what went wrong. I wasn’t hungry. Maybe it’s the flu. Maybe it was an anxiety attack. I don’t know. I just felt carsick. At home, while eating soup because my insides felt cold, I was reminded of the quantity of secrets I’m carrying. Most are my own. Maybe these feelings are the manifestation of guilt. The moon looked very clear tonight though. 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

800


I woke thinking about the conversation Amirah and I had last night. I played chess with Paul and then went out to lunch with Todd. I need to sell 800 more books just to break even; I don’t know if I’ll get there, but I’m going to put out another book anyway despite the likelihood that it will mean more money out the window because I enjoy doing it. It’s better than taking up golf. I don’t know if I’ll continue giving out as many free copies as I have been. It screams bad business, but I want more readers.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Redlands


I made it a goal for 2012 to see Amirah twice. I’m going to go visit her today in Redlands. She’s with her family for the Thanksgiving weekend. This means I’m actually seeing her three times this year. That’s more than I hoped, and certainly more than most years. I’m going to make the same goal next year, for I do enjoy seeing her. We don’t talk often enough by phone or email as it is, so these in person visits are pretty valuable. We’ll have dinner together someplace and exchange secrets. I’ll hit the road after I post this.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Plow


Today, Kyrie and I went to coffee and read there for a while. I’m learning a few things from this book on death anxiety, things about how to live my life. I just wonder if I’ll have the nerve to change certain things before I die. I’m not suffering creatively, so that’s a relief. I feel like I can write in multiple directions right now, but I know it’s best if I pick a project and plow through it. I’m close to accepting a title for the third Maddie book. I’m concerned that the third book could end up depressing.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Reheat


Today is Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. Much of my day was spent driving. The traffic to Hollywood was terrible. We went there to pick up vegan food from Doomie’s. We took a different route home that still wasn’t great. It didn’t really matter; we knew we’d have to reheat the food unless we were able to travel by helicopter or bullet train. I’m becoming disappointed in myself. I’ve been watching too much TV and it’s not good. This month Kyrie and I watched all the episodes of Sons of Anarchy. It’s entertaining but it’s also a waste of my time.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Motherfucker



I yelled, “Motherfucker!” loudly this morning after stubbing my toe in the dark. While the pain subsided it occurred to me that as long as there have been humans or species close to humans, people have been stubbing their toes. Probably happened a shit-ton inside caves in the days when everyone was barefoot. Having this unpleasant yet common experience between us, I feel more connected to the generations of motherfuckers before me. In that respect yelling “Motherfucker!” was my way of showing reverence to my ancestors. If they heard me, they were probably all thinking “Yup, I been there before.”

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Topic



I’m a little disappointed today. I sent both of my books to Hot Topic to see if they would carry them in their stores, but I was turned down. The message I received included this phrase “Unfortunately we are not going forward with the book business.” So much for literacy. Oh well, I suppose that’s better than,“We wasted an hour of our lives reading your shit.” I’m not sure what direction to go in next. I thought Hot Topic would have been my best customer base. I’ll just have to think of something else and continue writing the third book. 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Opportunities


I sat in traffic this morning, but arrived at LAX early enough to pick Cynthia up. Rather than park and sit, I drove around through Westchester, Inglewood, and Hawthorne. Taking a look around reminded me just how fortunate and privileged a life I’ve had. I was born in Hawthorne and am so lucky that my parents had the means and will to move to a different city; one with nationally distinguished schools and was pretty to look at. I’d feel so miserable looking out my window to see these places. The inequality of the disbursement of opportunities is so unfair.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Fati

I’m reading this book that mentioned one of Nietzsche’s favorite phrases was amor fati (love your fate); in other words: create the fate that you can love. I recognized the importance of this years ago, and though certainly not completely devoted to it, I think I’ve done pretty good at trying to live by this. The book also talked about the phrase: alternatives exclude. This is a new concept to me. I wish I had encountered it earlier. I don’t have enough room to explain, but I believe this is the chief problem I historically have in my romantic relationships.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Little


I did very little today. I slept in until nearly eleven a.m. I watched this documentary about what space is made up of. In the evening, Kyrie and I went to Ian’s birthday party. I forgot there was a French theme to it, but I guess I probably wouldn’t have participated anyway. I’ve been thinking a lot about Ulysses. I think I’ll re-read it soon. I’m sleepy right now but Disco is logged on so I’ll talk to her for a little while before I fall asleep. Tomorrow I plan to do very little again. I’m giving myself a vacation.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Terrorists


I’m very upset about the escalating violence between Palestine and Israel. I’m not sure how it is in other countries, but here the death tolls in the news are inaccurate. More headlines are written when Israelis are killed than when Palestinians are, yet more Palestinians are killed than Israelis. Still the Palestinians are labeled as terrorists because they don’t have uniforms, planes, or tanks. The Israeli military outnumbers the Palestinians 10 to 1. This is going to be a slaughter. Many people are going to die. Most of them will be civilians. I wish someone alive today had the answer.
Please look at the statistics.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Decisive


Woke at 1:30 a.m. to make sure there was enough time to drive up to Cynthia in NoHo to take her to LAX without her missing her flight. We ended up arriving super early. Nine Eleven still prevents waiting at the gate with her. I talked to her for a bit while loading her luggage in my trunk. She’s really decisive in her thoughts and also known to be a quiet person. She must live inside her head a lot. I’m at work now. I got here later than usual but still early enough for the office to be still. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Multiple


I didn’t finish the project I was hoping to finish today. That’s what sucks when projects involve the input of multiple people. Someone is always on fucking lunch or not at his/her desk. Email would work, but messages sent via email by one of the people in the loop often evade me, so I end up having to clarify in person anyway. I went to the optometrist after work. No change in my prescription. My eyes are as healthy as ever. Going to go to sleep early tonight because I need to wake extra early to drive Cynthia to LAX.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Murder


So here’s where I typically fuck myself over. I decided to slow the pace down on writing Forever Candy, but now I’m thinking about writing something new before I’ve finished. I haven’t finished The Scribbled Victims yet either. But it’s so tempting to digress. I’ve been toying around with this story about a character whose chief goal is to find someone to murder him. I’ll get to write in the first person. I know. Done before. Just read Dennis Cooper. But I said main character, and I don’t think he’s done that. He likes taking the side of the killer.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Reconstruct


Orlando, my curly hair tarantula, climbed on top of his cave today, normally he just hides inside it. He seems to be recovering from his last molt. I decided to abandon NaNoWriMo because I’m not enjoying it. I’m writing so fast that I don’t go back to reconstruct my sentences to make them read as I would like because I know I don’t have the time. I will continue to write Forever Candy, but I’ll do it at my own pace. I’m going to take some time to catch up on my reading and commit more time to the gym. 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Quickly


I had breakfast with Farishta this morning. She took me out to celebrate my birthday. Our time together always passes so quickly because we always have so much to say to each other. I love having her in my life. I’m still amazed that we met in line at Trader Joe’s. After breakfast I had two very long chess matches with Paul. I lost them both but I believe even he would agree they were good matches. Kyrie has gotten hooked on watching Sons of Anarchy, which means I now have to wait to watch episodes with her. She’s funny. 

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Complicated


I wrote a lot for NaNoWriMo but I’m having second thoughts about it. It’s nice to have an absolute deadline so I push myself to write, but what I’m putting down is mostly crappy. I had a late night phone call with Disco. I wish it had been earlier. My fuse was short. I cursed at her twice at one point in the conversation. I’m angry with myself. She’s so complicated which is one of the things I admire most about her, but it also makes it difficult for me to help her when she needs me. She’s so smart.

Friday, November 09, 2012

Apart


Elo is here from Seattle. I left work early and moved my training session with my personal trainer up by two hours so I would have more time with her. The plan was to meet in Little Tokyo for vegan sushi. I had to stop in Hollywood on the way. Traffic was the worst I’ve seen it since 2007. It took me three hours to go from Irvine to Hollywood to Little Tokyo. Dinner was good. I’m glad I got to see her, but the visit was short. Our lives are drifting apart. It makes me sad, but that’s life. 

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Spanakopita


I posted my blog earlier than usual yesterday so I didn’t get to include some good things that happened during the day. Kyrie made spanakopita using tofu and kale we received from our local produce delivery company, Farm Fresh to You. Also, my psychologist told me that she would be comfortable with me not coming on a regular schedule since I have been emotionally stable for quite some time now. I had forgotten that that was a possibility. How novel. I’ve been seeing her for nearly seven years now. Good timing too since my copay increases in January. That’s all. 

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Refills


I arrived at my shrink’s parking lot early. I’m having my second coffee today while I wait. I expect this session to be animated. There’s much I want to talk about. After that’s done, I have to go pick up refills on my meds and then sit down and work on my NaNoWriMo novel. I’m behind from the days I missed due to the Bats Day Holiday Black Market, my birthday, and the election, but I still feel confident about catching up. I’m so dumb. I’m already inventing the cover design in my head as if it was worth publishing. 

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Obama


I’m relieved that Obama was reelected. Mitt Romney gave a dignified concession speech. The lack of conservative moralizing made him more likeable here than before, but I think he had to mute his own politics because he was conceding. It would have been a four-year nightmare if the country were subjected someone of his greedy nature and classist background as our commander in chief. The polarization of the economic classes would only increase and that would be terrible. I took a Klonopin as the results were coming in, but now I feel like I can breathe again. I feel good.

Monday, November 05, 2012

Birthday


Today is my birthday. Kyrie got me a new dead dollie for my desk. I saw my dentist in the morning. We had a great conversation. We talked lots of shit. After my appointment Kyrie and I went to go have a birthday lunch at The Wheel of Life, but I forgot they were closed on Mondays. No other restaurants sounded appealing so I made us pasta. Kyrie is baking a vegan cake for me right now. I’m still worn out and in a downer mood from yesterday. I’m also super behind on NaNoWriMo, but I’ll catch up this week. 

Sunday, November 04, 2012

Bats


Today was the Bats Day Holiday Black Market. Kyrie, Caroline, and Blanca helped me work my book booth. It was fun, but a long day. By the end of it, I was exhausted. The patron turnout wasn’t great. The vendors I spoke to didn’t make their money back, and I didn’t come close either. I only sold seven books all day. That was discouraging. It’s making me reconsider the viability of publishing successfully. We had fun though. Caroline and I talked lots of shit and Kyle came to hang out with us. We all had dinner later at Native Foods.

Saturday, November 03, 2012

Substrate


I’m trying to write right now at coffee. I don’t actually have a coffee yet, maybe in an hour. I’m behind on NaNoWriMo and must get a lot of words down, especially because I know I’m not going to write tomorrow because of Bats Day. I’m a little stressed too because Orlando, one of my spiders, is on his back right now. I stressed him out changing his substrate. I didn’t know he was trying to molt. He’s struggling and in bad shape. Losing him will make me sad since he was the first spider I raised from a spiderling. 

Friday, November 02, 2012

Reckless


It’s my birthday soon. I’ve gotten so old. I used to be much more fun and reckless when I was younger. Those who knew me then of course knew there was lots of drinking, smoking, and drug use, but here is another other doozey I thought of today. I once wrote a letter to a girl had I major crush on and gave it to her at her work. No big deal, right? Well, I should probably mention that she worked at a bank and handing a note to a teller could come across as suspicious if not hostile. Moron.

Thursday, November 01, 2012

NaNoWriMo


I’m doing my best to stay at work longer today. I got a lot done. I also decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. That’s National Novel Writing Month, if you didn’t know. I haven’t participated in years. I’m going to take my incomplete screenplay, Forever Candy, and turn it into a novel. I’m hoping the month long deadline will motivate me to get through it. Later today I’m going to file my DBA for Ink Bleed Books with the county and then try to go to the gym. I need to run. I’ve been slacking off and it sucks.