Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Endeavors


I went to the office at my normal time today but left before too many others arrived. I brought some files home to work on. I also made more preparations for the Bats Day Holiday Black Market this Sunday. I was thinking about my friend Steve on my way to work and on my way back. He didn’t live long enough to read these books I published. He didn’t even live long enough to see my first film. That upsets me because he was always so supportive of my endeavors. I wish I could show him these things I do.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Abridged


I left work early again. That meant I missed a meeting. My boss told me he would give me a summary of the meeting when I came back. I think I’m onto something. If I duck out of a meeting, I can get the abridged version instead of having to listen to people talk too damn long just to hear themselves speak. How I detest meetings. I didn’t accomplish a whole lot when I got home. I watched Jersey Shore mostly. But I did get to talk to Elo and Disco, so that was good. I’m so damn numb inside.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Penchant


I’ve been trying to hurt my insides just so I can feel something. It hasn’t been very successful. It’s still dark outside and on my drive in to work it occurred to me that even though it is so very difficult to feel happy or sad or angry, I still have a strong penchant for feelings of guilt, ennui, and nostalgia. The moon was pretty last night. I sat outside with it for awhile. It’s a couple hours later. People are arriving at the office. Now there will be too much talking and too much noise. I should go home.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Peruvian


I’m feeling better today. I slept in late again but got a lot done during the day. I had a good run at the gym tonight. I’ve been using this iPhone app called Get Running. It’s kicking my ass, but it feels good. I’ve been asked multiple times if there is going to be a third book in my Me and My Friend Maddie series, so that feels good that people actually want to see another installment. I’ve been putting together a new plot and am looking into some Peruvian mythology to work with as the other books follow myths. 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Windy


I just had lunch in bed. I slept in super late. I’m not feeling well. I don’t know if I have a flu or if it’s just allergies. It’s been windy the last couple of days. I took NyQuil last night and DayQuil and Claritin today. I go through moments of feeling recovered and then I crash again. I feel dehydrated by I don’t feel thirsty. It’s later now. It’s nighttime. I spent much of my evening at the emergency room. My nephew got hurt. He’s going to be okay though. I feel tired now.  It’s been a long day.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Bubbles


I’m guessing I’ve already made it clear it has been a downer week mentally. I went to the office today and stayed longer than the day before but still went home early. I indicated I would be going to Release the Bats tonight, but I don’t know if I’m going to come through. The thought of being in a crowded loud room doesn’t sound like a good recipe right now. I would feel more optimistic if the club was underwater so that it was harder for people to reach you and their conversations would just be drowned out in bubbles.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Years


I’m at work today. As predicted, the early morning was fine because I was all alone and the office lights were left off. Everyone is here now and I want to leave. I’m trying to sit through it. Thinking more about this blunted effect, I guess I shouldn’t feel like it’s anything new. I still haven’t been able to cry since February 2, 2008, not even when my dear friend Steve died. Why should I be weary of feeling nothing now? I’ve been doing it for years. There are so many Halloween events this weekend. I’m going to disappoint people.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Lamp


I woke up at 4 a.m. to go to work this morning, but I didn’t make it in. I stayed home all day again and accomplished very little. It’s the people thing again. I just don’t feel like dealing with them. Actually, to be more accurate, I don’t feel like placing myself in a location where people will insert themselves into my life. I just want to be alone. It’s evening now. My lamp is on. I’m listening to songs by Bjork. I think I’ll go and shower and then just lie back down and read until I fall asleep. 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


I did not stay at work very much longer after others arrived at the office. I was fine before that happened. I just don’t feel like being around people right now, and so I sent my boss an email and went home. Maybe I’m depressed again, but I don’t think so. I just think I’ve been feeling down because I feel like I’m going to have to resign to feeling flat or blunted or whatever you want to call it for the rest of my life. Either that, or I’ll have to fire my psychiatrist and start all over. No. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Cans


I feel out of place at my desk today. I want to be someplace else, but nowhere spectacular. In a parking lot would even suffice. I did something good today. I talked myself out of starting this new project. That’s difficult for me to do. I want to do so many things. I have to remember not to bite off so much. My psychiatrist will probably never understand this loneliness he’s put upon me. The scraping of the metal edge of an opened can on my skin sounds like a remedy. My hands are too big for regular sized cans.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Still


I totally blew my first chess match. Paul totally blew the second match. In essence, blunders kept us even. I didn’t go out other than to play chess today. I’m still feeling quite detached. I’m still anxious about my time here running out. I’d feel better in the hospital right now. I wouldn’t want to do group therapy, but it’s comforting sometimes to be somewhere where time stands still. It’s like how one of my friends is seeing the upside of going to jail soon. Sit and breathe. Think and keep quiet. The regular world is too full of interruptions.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Fucked


I missed my writers meeting. Kyrie wasn’t feeling well. I sent my notes by email. The script was entertaining. I’m still disappointed that my psychiatrist wants me to stay on all these meds. I feel so uninterested in things. I could go out tonight but won’t. It’s kind of fucked. When there isn’t apathy there is guilt. There is nothing to do about either. I hate dying. I hate time running out. There are so many better things to do with one’s life than what I end up doing. I don’t even do the better things that I’m capable of.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Lie


I just got home from work. I’m scheduled to see my personal trainer at 4:30 p.m. but I’m really not feeling like going to the gym today, but every excuse I’ve thought of was more of a lie than a truth, so I guess I’m going to have to force myself to go. I haven’t enjoyed the past two days at work. I don’t feel like they have been very productive. I get to meet with my writing group tomorrow in Los Angeles, so that should make for a good and productive day. That’s all I can think to write.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Liveliness


I feel dejected after my session with my psychiatrist yesterday. I went in asking to get off of two of my medications and was talked out of both. I didn’t fight too hard, I’ve been apathetic and that’s one of the problems. Liveliness…I don’t have it. I feel flat. I don’t enjoy anything and somehow that’s a worthwhile compromise. He admitted he didn’t know what to do because I’m productive, in other words, highly functional. I tried explaining how lonely it is inside without my S.A.D. I think he understood. Apparently, I’m not the only patient who feels that way.