Friday, August 31, 2012


I saw my psychologist today. She was happy that I’ve been better. My sleep has been sucky and the family issues persist, but overall I’ve been good. She even mentioned that I could come less frequently if I wanted to. Maybe she’s sick of me. I declined until I could think about it. Afterwards, I wrote for about an hour while waiting for my appointment with my regular doctor. He prescribed me something because he’s in a panic over my triglycerides. I know so little about the human body that I just have to trust him. He’s pretty smart though.  

Thursday, August 30, 2012


Still cramming to finish this new book. Work has been busy lately so that’s put other things on my mind. Our staff picnic was today. I didn’t stay long. It was too much sun again. I’ve been disappointed with friends lately. I sent out many copies of Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken hoping my friends would read it and send me a picture of them with it, if they liked it. Some of my friends sent me photos, but most recipients have not. I don’t know if they hated it or just didn’t read it, but it kinda sucks.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


I don’t know how many hours I wrote for today, but it was a lot. When I stare at a computer for too many hours, I always end up taking my glasses off as if it would help. It doesn’t and I end up putting them back on. I need to learn to take breaks more frequently. My eyes need to rest. I also need help remembering to eat. All that said, it feels good to be so immersed in something I like. I’m confident I will finish the full draft of So This Bitch… by the end of the weekend.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


My office had a staff retreat today in Newport Beach. Lunch was great. The mushrooms in the pasta I ordered were probably the most delicious mushrooms I’ve ever eaten. There were a variety of activities to do during the retreat and we could select whatever we wanted to do from among them. I rode a beach cruiser up and down the board walk. That was fun. But for my next two activities I did nothing. I got too much sun and didn't feel well. I felt nauseated. I haven’t been sleeping much lately either and I don’t think that helped.

Monday, August 27, 2012


Today I deleted 57% of the contacts in my address book. I started with 538 people and now have 233. I won’t waste words on how I selected, but things are so tidy now. Kyrie and I have been hanging out more—more than just at home. We’ve even been going to the gym together. I had some serious insomnia last night. I took an extra pill; it helped for a couple of hours. I think I just have too many scenes on my mind with the new book. The bright side is that I’m losing sleep over something fun.

Sunday, August 26, 2012


I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept getting out of bed to write down key phrases and new concepts for So This Bitch… At two-thirty, I just decided to stay awake. I haven’t had a sleepless night in a while. I take something every night. I guess I still had a lot of energy from the great writing effort I had the day before. I also had coffee late in the day when Kyrie and I drove up to Downey to meet Caroline and Blanca who were bringing some books I signed to Batcave that night for their cancer benefit. 

Saturday, August 25, 2012


I feel happy. I believe today was my best writing day all year. Many problems with the book were solved today and I cranked out a lot of pages and though I needed to stop, I wanted to keep writing more. I went for a walk with Todd and received some very encouraging advice about which direction to go in with my Forever Candy project. I’ve decided to write it as a first person narrative as it seems to be something I do well even if it’s not as lofty. Oh, and I had a great workout at the gym. 

Friday, August 24, 2012


Yesterday, I hadn’t even run two full miles before I felt like I was going to pass out. I don’t think I had eaten enough. I was going to buy something to eat at the gym, but then I realized I didn’t have my wallet. It ended up being at home. I ate so much when I got there. I have to remember to eat something small before I go to the gym because feeling shaky blows chunks. I need to write a lot this weekend in order to get this book out by Halloween. I’m looking forward to it. 

Thursday, August 23, 2012


I hope I begin feeling normal again soon. I really don’t want to have to increase my anti-depressants yet again. My workload is tapering off, so that’s something to feel relieved over. It’s so hot today. I need to go to the gym, but it’s pretty difficult to find the will to do so. I’m very happy to be alive, but some of me wishes I wasn’t. Maybe wishing that I never existed would be more accurate. News articles have been leaving me with feelings of despair. People can be so good, but often they are terrible. More pills please.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


I didn’t go to work today. I don’t know what my problem is. I had trouble sleeping. I had trouble waking. I had trouble feeling motivated to do anything. Sounds like depression. I don’t know if it’s chemical though. I accidentally skipped taking my meds on two non-consecutive days this month. Maybe that fucked me up. I’ve been dwelling on the dead lately, which makes me think it’s not chemical. I’ve been thinking about my friend Steve Gaudette. I still miss him intensely. I was talking to him as if he were there even though I know he is not.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


I’ve been struggling with a point of view issue with the new book, but did an overhaul today that I’m hoping will take care of it. I feel optimistic again. I don’t feel stuck. I talked to Disco today. It wasn’t the most pleasant conversation, but just the fact that it happened made me happy. I also spoke to Sev, Kyle, Lauren, and Lark today, so I guess I’ve been social. Kyrie and I had back-to-back training sessions this afternoon at the gym. My workout was okay.  My to-do list for tomorrow is already piling up. I want soy yogurt.

Monday, August 20, 2012


I shouldn’t be stressing so much over the new book. I’ve been writing this book entirely on Scrivener, which essentially lets me write in scraps that will eventually be compiled. Because of this unfamiliar method, I didn’t realize I’m further along with this book than I thought. I did a word count for the entire compilation and discovered I’m about a third finished instead of a fifth. Another friend disappointed me today. A very close friend doesn’t understand why I’m friends with some of my friends. I explain I try my best to have no expectations. It failed me today.

Sunday, August 19, 2012


Today felt like a failure. I blew my match in chess in the morning. I did not write very well in the afternoon. I forced myself to go to the gym, but just wasn’t feeling into it. A friend of mine continues to disappoint. The writing of course is the worst part. I feel my deadline looming and it’s bringing with it anxiety and depression. It’s not the worst thing to be upset about though. I need to remember that. I just need to keep at it, and eventually it will feel rewarding. Richard Dawkins continues to make me laugh.

Saturday, August 18, 2012


I didn’t write today. I didn’t make it to the gym either. I went to a pool party for Tracy’s birthday. I met a few new people there, so that was nice. I also got to see Joe, Stina, and Natasha. It was easy to stay longer than my schedule allowed. I was happy to see them, but I felt like I was avoiding my responsibilities to write. I had two coffees. That’s not good. I had pesto pizza at the party. It was good, but Kyrie reminded me that pesto typically has cheese in it. That explains the stomachache.

Friday, August 17, 2012


It took me forever to drag myself to the gym. But I did it and I feel good about it. Normally, I don’t wear headphones at the gym because I find it distracting, but I’ve been listening to Richard Dawkins and I find it terribly amusing. I may not work out as hard, but it makes it easy to stay at the gym longer feeling thus occupied. I want to move out of the country. I want to move out of Earth. I want to live someplace where I can just have piles of books and quiet. Maybe Skype too. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012


I didn’t go to work today. My new sleep aid I took last night made me very groggy in the morning. I thought that once I woke up, it could potentially mean a good writing day, but it didn’t happen like that. I ended up doing next to nothing. Other than going to the gym, I think I just stayed in bed and watched Jersey Shore episodes. I need to write faster. I don’t know what my problem is. I hate when I get like this. I’ve been talking about writing without actually doing it. I hate being a slacker.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


It would have been good if today were a shrink day. I had to reschedule my sessions because of the vacation and Kyrie’s new section. Secretly, I’m pretty upset about something that my shrink knows all about, so it would have been nice to be able to talk about it with her. It was good to be back at work today though. The work that piled up while I was gone helped get my mind off of things. Also, I have a friend I’ve been contacting with regularity that is really inconsistent in replying. I wish I were more important.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Kyrie and I went out for salads for lunch today, but for the rest of the day, I mostly unpacked and slept. All that driving I did over the past few days wore me out. It felt nice to get caught up on sleep, but I’m disappointed that I didn’t write today. I’m feeling pressured to get this book out by Halloween. I’ve even begun toying with extending my original schedule, which basically means I’ve been slacking. It was nice to have a vacation though. I’ll get back to being disciplined tomorrow. I’m very happy to go back to work.  

Monday, August 13, 2012


Spelunking was challenging. I don’t think I would have been able to make it through it had I not been doing all this personal training, running, and lifting at the gym. I got to go 250 feet below the surface. I got to sit in complete darkness. I had to figure out how to wiggle through very small passages and figure out how to lift myself out of very snug places. I think the most important skill I learned was being able to stay calm and rest when stuck in very cramped passages. I can’t wait to explore another cave. 

Sunday, August 12, 2012


Today was fun. We got to drive way the fuck out on some curvy road and end up at a cave that we then explored. That was the first time I’ve been inside a cave that wasn’t at Disneyland. Our tour of a different cave tomorrow will be even more involved so I’m pretty excited about that. Going caving is the second thing I’m checking off on my bucket list this year. It was a really good idea to take this mini vacation. Tonight we’re going to watch the meteor shower since we’re in a location that is pretty remote.

Saturday, August 11, 2012


There was terrible traffic heading to Castroville to buy artichokes for my family. Afterward we went to Santa Cruz. We passed Moss Landing. I believe the restaurant I had liked there was replaced. Porter College looks much more developed than when we had been there. It looks good. It feels the same. When I visited in 2002, I was saddened by the feeling I no longer belonged in Santa Cruz, but this time I felt good about it. It’s a place of many fond memories now. The campus is still beautiful. I photographed places that meant a lot to me.

Friday, August 10, 2012


The drive up north was great. It was relaxing and it felt nice to see many familiar highway signs and landmarks. It made me wish I were still in my twenties. The car we rented nearly made it all the way on a single tank of gas. The stupid computer in the car said we had 70 more miles available before we would need to get gas and we were 15 miles away. The gauge said we had a quarter tank. Both were incorrect. Suddenly, in traffic on the 880 the RPMs shot up even though we were doing 35.

Thursday, August 09, 2012


I had to cancel on my trainer. I was hoping this morning my knee would feel better, but it doesn’t. I texted her and she suggested I cancel. Today was my last day at work before my little vacation with Kyrie. We’re driving up north tomorrow to Oakland to see Amirah. I’m really looking forward to it. I haven’t done this drive in so long and it of course makes me think of Santa Cruz and college and being in love and being happy. I’m a bit concerned that I won’t write enough during the trip. But I shall try.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012


I fucked up my knee at the gym. I don’t know how. It just started to hurt when I was doing bicep curls. Go figure. I’m hoping that it won’t hurt for long because we’re going caving soon and that’s going to be a long trek. I had my recurring dream last night about that woman from the 19th Century who lost her baby and roams the cemetery aisles. I guess it’s not recurring, as what I’m doing isn’t always the same, but she is often there in my dreams, in her cemetery, wandering, nevertheless. I wonder who she is.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012


I gave in and ordered an iPhone today. So I’ll have one again. I’m going to do my best to not let this one stress me out. I’m not going to let my phone ring or vibrate anytime I receive a text message or email. I’ll check those things when I feel like it, not when I’m summoned. I’m happy I’ll have a synchronized calendar again. I decided to go back to having a smart phone so I could accept credit cards at the Bats Day Holiday Black Market where I’m going to have a booth for Ink Bleed Books. 

Monday, August 06, 2012


I have a new nephew. I left work early so I could visit him and my sister in the hospital. I got to hold him. He’s little. They haven’t picked a name for him yet, but there are definitely some front-runners. I didn’t get home until very late (for me at least) which wasn’t so hot because I didn’t get much sleep the night before. I missed going to the gym, so no run today, so I’m hoping that tomorrow I will be able to force myself to go after missing one day. I’m not very good about regaining momentum.

Sunday, August 05, 2012


Just had lunch with Kyrie and dropped her off at work. Before that, I lost two games of chess to Paul. I’m home now. Going to write for a few hours before going to the gym. I’m listening to my favorite David Bowie songs. I’m making good progress with the new book. I came up with a new dimension last night that seems to be magically making everything fall into place. If I work everyday on it, I believe I will be able to finish it by August 30. That should give me enough time to release it by Halloween.

Saturday, August 04, 2012


I was thankful today that people have the ability to heal. I thought of some friends whose deaths I thought I would never get over, but I believe I have. I thought of heartbreaks, but I’ve gotten over them too. It made me think that one should always seek intimacy with others, because when the relationship ends, you can count on healing from whatever hurt it might bring. As I’m writing this now, I’m thinking differently. Intimacy requires trust and most people aren’t worth trusting. Even people characterized as trustworthy are only trustworthy to some and that doesn’t mean you.

Friday, August 03, 2012


I’m proud of myself that I dragged myself to the gym before it closed. I ran pi miles and got my best time yet. Twenty-two minutes and thirty-four seconds. I’ve been having problems writing this same conversation for days. I want the narrator to be uppity but not bitchy to the point where it seems unjustified. I have to make the character he’s talking to annoying enough to make the uppity behavior seem understandable while not making the reader hate her. It’s a delicate balance and it’s proving difficult. I should really just move on and come back to it.

Thursday, August 02, 2012


I had a chance encounter with someone today in the lobby of my work that felt really good. She was easy to talk to and we share some of the same problems and medications. We were like fast friends, but I don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again. I’m home now. I’m texting with Sarah. Happy happy. I have to go see my trainer later. I’m trying to run pi miles as many days as possible, even on my personal training days. I lost another pound. I wrote earlier in the day, but need to write more later.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012


I just got back from the gym. Kyrie had to log me in so I could write my blog and make this post. I ran pi miles and lifted for a little bit. I realized that my triceps are stronger than my biceps. I don’t know if that is normal. I’ll be having a booth at the Bats Day Holiday Black Market for my books. It’s on November 4. I’m pretty excited about that. I just hope I can finish the new book before Halloween. I had a very good talk with my health coach today. I set new goals.