Thursday, May 31, 2012


I arrived at work at 3:30 a.m. I couldn’t sleep. I should have gotten more done, but I discovered this online stream that focuses on criticizing photos on DailyBooth. The host was pretty harsh on mine. Fat. Ugly. Bald. And I look like a pedophile. I should have turned it off but couldn’t. I listened for over three hours. I felt like crap until I got to the gym. I arrived late so I only had time to run two miles before my training, but how cool is that? Weeks ago, I couldn’t simply squeeze in a two mile run. 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I finally failed in my goal to not eat out on weekdays. I worked late today and didn’t feel like going shopping or cooking or anything like that, so Kyrie and I went to Taco Bell. I got one burrito, so it’s not like I overate or drank a gallon of soda or anything. So things could have been worse. I talked to Jessica on the phone for a little over an hour today. It’s the first time we talked since she got back from Germany. She needs her friends right now. I hope they’ll all be there for her.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Jessica just texted to tell me she landed back in Los Angeles. She went to Germany for WGT. I’m glad she’s home safe. My training session today was difficult. I felt sick by the end and had to rest for a while. I think I didn’t eat enough prior. I talked to Candy this afternoon, so that was nice. Elo too. I addressed Caroline today as “inkhead.” I thought it was funny. Not sure she did. She got more tattoos on her scalp. I need to talk to an adviser about creating a single company to own all my projects. 

Monday, May 28, 2012


Transferring this blog back to Wordpress is proving more difficult than I hoped. There is a native Wordpress importer designed to work with Blogger, but for some reason my recent posts aren’t transferring properly. By the time I figure it out, I could have probably done them all by hand. Fortunately, these posts aren’t image or link heavy. I’ve still been dealing with the depression, but am reading more, so that’s at least something. I have too much on my mind tonight, so I’m actually taking both of my sleeping medications as I’m prescribed to do on nights like this.

Sunday, May 27, 2012


I’m feeling anxious to work on projects. I did work today, but at this hour, I don’t really even remember what I worked on. I need better focus. I should write down all my projects and prioritize them and just focus on getting each of them done in order of priority. I have five more books to write. I have two screenplays to complete. I have new websites I need to continue to build on. With all that in mind, the only things I reach for eagerly are books and quiet, if quiet is reachable. It feels loud even now. 

Saturday, May 26, 2012


I’m thinking of moving this blog back onto a Wordpress platform. I’m feeling too restricted by the limits of Blogger. I can’t remember the reason I moved it back here in the first place. Oh well. New project. I’ll get to it eventually. My logo for is up on the website. I’m happy with it. I already have subscribers to the RSS feed. That’s encouraging. I’m still sad though. It still sucks. The other stuff, that is. I wish things were green longer. I don’t remember what I ate today.  I need to work on my book. Hi, Sev. 

Friday, May 25, 2012


I’ve never felt like I’ve mattered so little to you. And it’s my problem, because I want to matter to you. I don’t know what is going on with you. I suppose I’ll just have to wait, forever maybe. I’m stressing over other things too. It’s not just you. My life is getting backlogged. I tried getting through some of my to do list today, but my progress was slow and I felt overwhelmed. I took a Ritalin today, thinking that would help. If it did, I didn’t notice. I wish I were someplace else. Again, only books feel good.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


I left work early today. I wasn’t feeling well. I continue to be depressed. I can tell that my depression has persisted because my to-do list on Vitalist continues to grow and I’m not keeping up with it. I just don’t care. The same goes for my email accounts. I have so many messages stacking up that I need to address. Again, I just don’t care. All I want to do is read books. I wish I could fall asleep in a canoe. It would be nice to look up at the sky and not know where I’m going. Yup.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Got my retainer today. Picked up five prescriptions. Had a billing fiasco with my FSA because of those chiropractic appointments I had earlier this year. Got my teeth whitened. Saw my psychologist. That didn’t go so good. It felt hot in her office today. We talked too long about the thing that is secretly hurting me and making me depressed. I don’t know if it helped. I ended the session early. Bless left for Germany today. I saw the illustrations for my book. I saw mockups for the logo for my new website. The new website received it’s second posting. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


At coffee today I saw something depressing. There was a girl in her early teens sitting outside with a boy I’m guessing was her younger brother and his friend. She was very talkative and dominant since she was older. They were laughing and having fun. Then these two other girls arrived and sat at another table. They were both wearing short shorts, and one of the pairs of shorts said IHS Cheer. They didn’t interact, but the first girl just shut up. I believe she was intimidated. They looked like popular girls and she didn’t look like them at all.  

Monday, May 21, 2012


I can feel my teeth moving. My braces are off and I don’t get my retainers until Wednesday. Yesterday, I bit my lip three times during lunch following Paul’s graduation. It bled. I don’t think I’ve ever bitten into my lip this deeply. My new website hasn’t even been online for a week, and already I’ve been approached to partner with another site. I don’t know how it will end up, but it would likely be advantageous as they already have a large audience. Elo will be back in LA to visit soon. I hope she has time for me.

Sunday, May 20, 2012


Paul walked in his graduation ceremony today. He also gave a speech that required the student body to flap their wings and quack. Days like these are always bittersweet for me. I remembered what it was like when college was over for me. I remember being in the Porter College quad with DaniellE, looking at B-Dorm and feeling it all slip away from me. I wanted to still belong there, but I knew that there was no longer a place for me. I love that memory because I can still feel it. Not as sharply, but it’s still there enough.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


I’m writing this post from a park. It’s Paul’s birthday. We’re having a picnic. It’s nice out today. Not in terms of it being sunny, it’s too sunny. But the breeze is nice and the park is full of people playing. On the way here, I was thinking that the day looked too crowded with people and the streets too congested. I wasn’t looking forward to arriving someplace where there would be even more people, but I was mistaken. At the park, people create a serene scene, but it could be because they’re all far away. I’ll take it anyway.  

Friday, May 18, 2012


I worked on a variety of different things today. I felt accomplished, but worn out by the time I left the office. When I got home, I didn’t write well. I tried. I tried a second time, but it was all shit. My mind has been focused on other things. I’ve been trying to get this new website on the web. It’s basically done, but I’ve yet to create content and a bulletin board. I’m disappointed in myself that I couldn’t get more of my writing done. To make things worse, I was only editing scenes I had already written. 

Thursday, May 17, 2012


I was able to not work on websites, check email, or do other tasks past four-thirty p.m. and not feel anxious about it. I’m hoping this is a sign that I might be getting more accustomed to taking time to myself. I took Kyrie to a new vegan restaurant called Phoney Baloney. I didn’t order anything for myself because it’s a weekday and I promised my health coach I wouldn’t eat out on weekdays. When we got home, we finished watching an episode of Bridezillas. I did begin building a new site during the day, but more about that later. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


I need to stop pretending to myself that I haven’t been sad lately. I told both my psychologist and psychiatrist that I was feeling fine when I last saw them. I even believed it was true. But I think I just wasn’t really looking. I’ve been thinking about dead friends. I’ve been feeling the loss of a living friend. I’ve even felt pangs of heartbreak. I thought I would be more upset when I got my braces off today, but it just feels trivial. The odd thing is, I don’t even feel like getting better. Just pills until something else.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I spent too much time unsuccessfully installing a remote back up service for my writing files. I already use Time Machine, but the problem there is that it is not remote. So if there were a fire and everything burned up, I’d still be out of luck. I tried installing Mozy. I used it before when I had a pc laptop and thought it worked well. I just could not get it to work for my Mac. It took me multiple attempts to uninstall it, and I’m only partially sure I got rid of all traces of it. Refund please. 

Monday, May 14, 2012


I’ve been brainstorming what to write next. I’m still working on the rewrite of The Scribbled Victims, but I’m toying around with a new children’s style book to follow up Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken. I have four ideas I’m considering right now. Any feedback would be helpful:
  1. My Mommy is Goth
  2. A Little Ghost in Gaza
  3. Why Won't This Goth Girl Date Me?
  4. So this Bitch...
The last one I got from a Twitter post tweeted by someone I don’t know about a great first line to a book. I thought I’d try it.

Sunday, May 13, 2012


I annoyed myself today. I didn’t spend my time very wisely. This morning was fine: I played chess with Paul and did some reading. It was the afternoon that I totally screwed up. I’ve been reading this book that suggested some methods to make money on my blogs. I wasted hours setting up these affiliate marketing ads on this blog and the meagothy blog, only to realize I hated what they looked like after the ads were placed. If I’m going to monetize my blogs, I’m going to have to find a different way or just forget about it entirely. 

Saturday, May 12, 2012


Today doesn’t feel like a Saturday. Maybe that means I worked too much. I didn’t do so good with not working past a certain hour; I kept working on website stuff. I read for a couple of hours though and ran to pi, so that was good. I continue to lose weight. I’m sure a lot of it is because of the gym but I think it more has to do with the fact that I’ve been controlling my portion sizes and Kyrie and I have been eating a lot cleaner. Missed Caroline’s party tonight. I haven’t been feeling social.

Friday, May 11, 2012


Today I was reminded not to judge people so quickly. At Starbucks the baristas said Kyrie and I just missed some lady get belligerent. Sitting outside, I realized I was sitting at the table next to the woman. She sat with a little boy of a different ethnicity, so I guessed it was a foster or adoptive relationship. She yelled at him because his teacher called to report the boy had been throwing away his lunches. Damn what a shitty life for the boy. But after the scolding, they talked and laughed again and again over things I couldn’t distinguish.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


I dragged myself to the gym today, and I’m glad I did. My trainer made me feel better. I’ve been so upset this week. I had a difficult session with my shrink. The week long series of talks on Palestine and Israel have made me disgusted, annoyed, and miserable. I find myself short tempered with those with different political opinions. Somehow doing these dumbbell pushup rows or whatever they’re called and planking on a yoga ball help me forget about things. My trainer is so positive in her outlooks. I don’t know how she does it. I need to learn.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012


Today has been a good day. Obama took a stand in support of gay marriage. My psychologist’s new office is her nicest one yet. I met my new primary care physician and like him a lot. The research I did in finding him really paid off. His scale makes me two pounds lighter than the one at the gym. My blood pressure was 120/70. My therapist and I talked about cowardice and my father-son issues. I finished reading another book, but I won’t say which, because it has quite an embarrassing title. That seems to be requisite with self-help books.  

Tuesday, May 08, 2012


Malik Ali spoke on campus as part of the weeklong program put together by the Muslim Student Union in support of a Palestinian state. His speeches are always passionate and controversial. Though I think Ali is a bit prone to conspiracy theories, I support the Palestinian right to self-govern and believe they’re oppressed by Israel with the support of the US. Most who attend these talks arrive already firmly positioned, myself included. The outcome is rarely a discussion, only assertions and rebuttals. It’s an ugly and hostile scene that makes me want a Xanax and makes conflict resolution seem hopeless. 

Monday, May 07, 2012


Today seemed to be about death. I woke up before my alarm went off and began archiving more files. I came across photos of my friend Steve Gaudette. Steve passed away in 2010. At the gym, my trainer told me a sad story about an 18 year old close to him who died from taking six Xanax. They weren’t prescribed to him. He got them off of a 20 year old who committed suicide the following day due to feelings of guilt. Janae texted me while I was having dinner with Kyrie. She’s been in mourning over two family members. 

Sunday, May 06, 2012


I had raspberries and soy cheese for dinner. I find that I snack more often than I have meals. My skin problem has been acting up again, so I’m considering removing items from my diet that I reincorporated the last time my skin cleared up. Otherwise, I’ll have to rely on steroids daily. If you didn’t know, the original reason I became vegan eight years ago was because I have atopic dermatitis. At the time I also cut out eating sugar, flour, gluten, wheat, vinegar, and caffeine. I think I’ll start with the caffeine. I’ve been drinking too much coffee. 

Saturday, May 05, 2012


Kyrie and I saw the film Bully this afternoon. It was heartbreaking to watch. I had a tear welling up in my left eye that wouldn’t fall, but that’s pretty good for me on account of my medications impairing my ability to cry. I think everyone should see it. I’ve been ashamed of myself for years because I bullied someone in middle school. I had even been bullied myself prior and I did it anyway. Jason Tunnel, if you happen to read this, I am very sorry for tormenting you. Believe it or not, I’ve become a better person since. 

Friday, May 04, 2012


I just got back from the gym. I ran to pi as fast as I could today. I made it in 26:37. So it’s not Speedy Gonzales fast or anything, but I feel good about it because yesterday it took me 29:45 and on April 10 it took me 34 minutes. Now that I’m done writing Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken and Cynthia is doing the illustrations, I’m finally back to writing The Scribbled Victims. I received a lot of notes from my writing group and I’ve already hacked apart most of the first act. Time to read now.

Thursday, May 03, 2012


I’m still doing my no work after 4:30 p.m. thing, but it may be adding stress. At 3:30 p.m. I panicked over all the things I still wanted to get done that I now only have one more hour for. It feels weird putting things off until tomorrow when I know I can do them today. I have more time for the gym now, but had to drag myself there with the encouragement of friends online. I’m glad I went. I was able to do twenty pushups on a Bosu ball and ran to pi in under thirty minutes--29:45.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012


My psychiatrist wanted to talk for a very long time today. He’s often long winded, but this time was too much. I began to think he was feeling lonely. Today is the first day I’m trying not to work past 4:30 p.m. I already failed, because I was on a phone call that ended fifteen minutes past. I was talking to Cynthia about the illustrations to the goth book. After I post this, I’m going to read and hang out with Kyrie. I have the nagging temptation to check my email, but I’m just going to have to fight it. 

Tuesday, May 01, 2012


It’s the first day of May and I’ve made a couple of decisions. The first is that I will go the entire month without purchasing or drinking bottled water. It’s too wasteful. I will stick to using refillable BPA free bottles. Hopefully, this will turn into a lifelong habit. The second is that I have decided not to work after 4:30 p.m. This means no checking email, working on websites, etc. I can write, read, and post to this blog. I’ll make a master list tomorrow, because right now that would be work and it is past my office hours.