Monday, April 30, 2012


I’m a little upset today. I’ve been thinking about something someone important to me said recently. I won’t say who or what. Lately, I’ve been feeling a little more relaxed. I purposely put certain projects on hold to focus more on fewer things. I find myself adding projects back into my to do list on Vitalist, but then I remember that I’m intentionally pausing, and put them back into my someday category. It feels weird not having more projects going. I said I feel more relaxed, but I’m also feeling more tired. Maybe that means I’m just lying down more.

Sunday, April 29, 2012


Amanda is in California from Iowa and I was supposed to meet her and Jacquie up in LA today for lunch, but I had it in my calendar for next Saturday. I’m so bummed. This morning, I lost two chess matches to Paul, and a third to Danny. If you didn’t know, Danny is in third grade. He ended up with four queens. As embarrassing as that was for me, I enjoyed seeing him laugh, even if he was laughing at me. I finished reading a book on using Scrivener and decided my next read would be Chess for Dummies.  

Saturday, April 28, 2012


I failed tonight. I missed Amie’s birthday party. I didn’t plan very well. I even had the location wrong. I’m hoping she’s not too angry with me. I’m so sleepy. I got little sleep last night, and could not find the time to nap today. I wrote, but not very well. I’m probably going to have to re-work or dump everything I wrote. I looked into what it would take to do my own typesetting, and became overwhelmed. I have no interest in learning it any longer. My time is better spent writing the text that someone else can set. 

Friday, April 27, 2012


I worked a long day, and took a short nap when I got home before going out to Release the Bats with Kyrie, Jessica, Caroline, and Blanca. We met Jessica’s new boyfriend, Shane. I ran into Marissa, which was a nice surprise. I had a good night and laughed a lot. Admittedly, much of my laughter came from talking shit, but that’s what it’s like hanging out with Caroline. The highlight of my night happened after the club, seeing someone, who shall remain nameless, stepping out of an alley with his boots unlaced and another guy after him, zipping up. 


I was just at the post office and something that struck me as strangely inefficient happened. I was greeted in line by a USPS staff member holding a clipboard. She asked me what I was there for and I told her I just needed to buy stamps. She circled something on a little form she had and handed it to me, instructing me to give it to the person at the counter when it was my turn. I asked her, “Can’t I just tell him I want stamps?” She said “Yes,” and then provided an explanation I did not understand.

Thursday, April 26, 2012


I’m glad my new trainer likes to talk so much; it means I get away with doing less. I was still worn out though by the end of the session. She said I was her first client who ever needed to break in order to tweet. The responses I’ve received from those who read Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken have been encouraging. I’m excited to write a follow-up book. I’ve begun using Sprout Social to manage all of my Twitter accounts and Facebook pages. It’s really sophisticated and has made posting more regular and efficient. It’s worth every cent.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


I may be getting a tad too fond of the sensation of hunger. I think I’m eating too little now. I felt like I was going to pass out this afternoon while on the bus. It took me a while to recover, even after eating. I’m enjoying reading The Crying of Lot 49. It’s made me laugh more than once. I’m impressed with the writing. I’ll never achieve anything close to this. I’ve already written 21 pages of my new book. This is my first time writing non-fiction. I’m writing a book on how to choose a shrink. I’m sleepy. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I was talking to my trainer while doing these stupid chest presses while lying on one of those yoga balls about how I don’t want kids. I’d be a bad parent because I’m selfish with my time. I would resent giving up writing time. She said it was good that I’m aware that I feel that way. While showering at home, it occurred to me that if I never succeed as a writer, then maybe I’m wasting my life not having kids. My favorite musical says that the only things that are important to leave behind are children and art.

Monday, April 23, 2012


I’ve been doing much better with not eating such large portions and only eating when I actually feel hungry. Eating on smaller plates helps. It probably sounds odd, but I think I had forgotten what hunger felt like. My life is so fortunate. Now that I’m feeling the pangs of hunger again, it makes me think of high school when I wrestled and always had to drop weight. This may sound odd too: I think I’m beginning to enjoy the feeling of hunger. I don’t really have an explanation for it; it could just be the newness of the sensation. 

Sunday, April 22, 2012


I had an unsuspected come back in my chess match this morning. After, I headed up to San Pedro to have lunch with Rachael. I enjoy speaking with her. We don’t see each other often, so maybe that’s why it’s so engaging when we do. Maybe if I lived down the street we’d avoid each other. Now that I’ve finished writing Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken, I’m planning out my next book. I’ve been considering using Scrivener to write it, but the instructions are overwhelming. Fortunately, I found an eBook titled Writing a Novel with Scrivener. It’s a lifesaver. 

Saturday, April 21, 2012


I did cardio this morning before meeting with the trainer who almost killed me last week. Today, it was easier. I requested that we use the entire training session teaching me how to stretch. Afterward, I went home and did some work on my websites, correspondence, and then cleaned our shower with bleach. I went for coffee for a little while and then spent the rest of the day writing. I finished writing Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken. I’ll be sending it to Cynthia now for illustration. I still need to read, but my eyes are so damn heavy.

Friday, April 20, 2012


I had trouble sleeping last night, so I went to work at 3:15 a.m. I got a ton done, and finally became sleepy around 1 p.m. so I went home. I took a short nap and then wrote for a couple of hours. I wrote well. I went to the gym afterward and did the elliptical for 35 minutes. I visited the blog of someone I used to talk to online. We met on a site about cutting. She has an eating disorder. Her last post showed pictures of her at 79 pounds. I don’t know how to help her. 

Thursday, April 19, 2012


My personal blog has been looking cluttered so I decided to clean it up. I didn’t finish, but I got a good start. I run many websites and belong to too many social networks, so I decided to move them all off  this blog site and put them someplace else. I remembered I owned and haven’t been doing anything with it, so that’s where I put everything. It looks cleaner. Kyrie and I sat down to discuss her goals and later I showed her some things I do to stay organized. I’m very excited for her pursuing her dreams.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


My bff is pretty rad; she knows how to talk to me. I felt I could have cried last night, but these meds make it impossible, so I called her instead. I’ll continue writing about yesterday today, because I posted yesterday before lots happened. Yesterday, I trained with a new trainer. Her name is Alyssa. Her workouts differ from what I’m accustomed to. She does functional training. I like it better, but I complain just as much. I also took her advice and did something my nutritionist suggested last year: I ate dinner on a smaller plate. I ate less.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Today was productive. I finished one of the projects I had going on at work, and anticipate finishing another one tomorrow. I worked on my websites and they’re making a tiny bit of money again. I decided to try creating my own comic strip. I’ll probably fail at it, but I’m going to try anyway. It’s going to be called Unsolicited Consulting. I’m reading Thomas Pynchon’s The Crying of Lot 49 right now and am really enjoying the story and his writing style. I feel like I haven’t seen many of my close friends in person in a long while. 

Monday, April 16, 2012


This morning, I repeatedly listened to the song I was listening to on repeat the day I attempted to overdose while living in the dorms. Needless to say, I’m still alive. I only passed out for 19 hours. Speaking to strangers is often worthless. Strangers are most comfortable speaking in clichés that will spark chuckles before you go your separate ways. Despite this, I think it’s important to participate in pleasantries with those we encounter in public. I’m struggling with my new book, Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken. I was really hoping to have the first draft completed already.

Sunday, April 15, 2012


My poor friend Stina. She’s going through some rough stuff. I’d love to give her a hug but she’s cities away and not accepting visitors. I know it’s going to work out in the end, but I just wish it would hurry the fuck up for her sake. I have tremendous respect for her. I won both games of chess this morning against Paul.  I worked out at the gym with a Bosu ball. I’m thinking of getting one for home. I miss Amirah. I saw two boys walking across a playground that made me think of me and Gote.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


I served on a mock jury for a wrongful death case that could go to trial. I listened to attorneys for both parties present their cases. When it was time to deliberate, I was sure I knew how most people would be leaning. I was quite wrong. I was in the minority when determining both fault and damages. Apparently, I’m a softie and value life too much compared to others. I felt out of touch, but also considered only one person on the jury to be intelligent. “God, the law is some tricky shit isn’t it?” That’s a movie quote.  

Friday, April 13, 2012


Something is wrong. Either my meds are doing too much or they aren’t doing enough. I don’t feel a thing. Generalized apathy. I’m not even enjoying the wind outside. I’m writing this from bed. I don’t care. I didn’t write well today. I’m going to have to trash everything. It’s this funk. I had been having so much fun writing it too just days ago. This is my new book called Goth Girls Don’t Taste Like Chicken. I’m hoping to have the text portion done by tomorrow but at this rate, who knows. I feel like popping another Wellbutrin XL.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Kyrie and I landed in Orange County at about seven thirty in the morning. We went out for vegan breakfast afterward. I ordered a tofu omelet but decided not get vegan cheese in it, figuring mushrooms would be a better substitute to go with my usual green chilies and onions. We slept most of the day, recovering from our trip the day before.  I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight. I’ll try reading for a while or watching a film Sarah recommended. Caroline is talking about getting oil can tattoos. WTF? This was my highlight of the day

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I’m in San Francisco with Kyrie to see Mazzy Star perform at the Regency Ballroom. Amirah met up with us and met Kyrie for the first time. I met her boyfriend, Noah, for the first time as well. It was great seeing Mazzy Star, but it wasn’t the greatest live show. The crowd annoyed me tons, but the trip was a really good one, even though it was only hours long, because I got to see Amirah and meet Noah and see their new place. I like him and their place a lot. Sarah texted with me during the show. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


I’ve been listening to that song Lost Fur you sent me, the one you liked so much. You didn’t write back yesterday. How I miss you. I feel like you can’t trust me anymore because you think I get hurt too easily. These things hurt because it’s you and I know you’re right with the way you see the world. I just wish you could be happy in it. I ran to pi today. 3.14 miles. That’s going to be my new thing. It took me a little over thirty minutes, but oh well; I’ll just have to get faster.

Monday, April 09, 2012


I’ve been using this site again called Joe’s Goals to set goals I’d like to accomplish daily. One of my goals is to write everyday. Sometimes depression gets in the way of me writing daily, which is why I set my goal to write for thirty minutes per day. Having a goal that is so easy to accomplish makes it easier to begin even when I’m depressed. Once I’m writing, it’s never lasted only thirty minutes. Today I wrote for four hours. I’m happier like this. It comes full circle. Depression keeps me from writing, but writing makes me happy. 

Sunday, April 08, 2012


I won my second match of chess against Paul today completely by accident. I thought by moving my knight, I would protect my bishop and put him in check; I didn’t realize it was check mate. It doesn’t feel as good to win unexpectedly like that. It almost feels like losing. I’m eighty percent finished (according to my Kindle) with reading Dennis Cooper’s newest novel, The Marbled Swarm. I figure if he writes it, I’ll read it, but I must say I’ve grown weary of his narrator. His way of speaking is so tedious to read. Maybe that’s the point.

Saturday, April 07, 2012


Kyrie wore all black today, including black stompy boots and I re-shaved her undercut. We went to lunch at Veggie Grill. At one point, I got up to get more water. On my way back to our table, it occurred to me that it’s really cool to see that the person you would have checked out in the entire restaurant (if you didn’t know each other) is the person you’re actually with. I did something good during the meal: I didn’t finish it. There were two more bites on the plate, but I knew I was no longer hungry. Woo.

Friday, April 06, 2012


I should have written more today. I’ll have to make up for it tomorrow. I spent my day at work, playing chess, blogging, and going out to dinner and a movie with Kyrie. We saw a documentary called Jiro Dreams of Sushi. We both enjoyed it. I downloaded new music today by Nicki Minaj and xotox. I get such pleasure out of having new music to listen to that I’m surprised I rarely remember to music shop. Having Spotify helps remind me. I’m not tired, but have to sleep soon because I have an early morning personal training session scheduled.  

Thursday, April 05, 2012


I made a Kickstarter donation today to Walk [Your City]. It’s a cool project and I hope some of my readers will consider contributing a few dollars to it. Kyle gave me notes on the unnamed script; I believe I’ll be able to accommodate with little problem. I spoke to Sev on the phone last night about the score for The Vow. We’ll be getting to hear a new version in a couple of weeks. I didn’t complete my cardio workout because I was too tired from lifting. I don’t push myself hard enough when I train without my trainer.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012


I finished writing the first episode of the unnamed script. It runs a little long, so we might break it into two episodes. I had an interesting session with my psychologist. I talked so much that I needed water. I think I freaked her out. Somehow death, suicide, and executions became our topic again. She remarked that she remembered this being a subject I became lively about years ago. I told her my fascination with executions began in first grade when I saw a film where a young man gave his shoes to his best friend before ascending the gallows.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012


I was sleepy for a long time today. I’ve been daydreaming a lot as well. I nearly finished writing the first episode of the unnamed show. I heard a song while driving that would fit well within a scene in a film where someone is contemplating murder. I thought about what it must feel like to wait for the scaffold to fall. I’m trying yet another iteration of the SadPlaneteer website: voice posts. I didn’t run it by Rachel, but I’m hoping she’ll still be onboard. I miss Sarah. I wish Obama could be president for more than two terms.

Monday, April 02, 2012


The sci-fi script is coming along. I think I’ll finish this episode by tomorrow. I ate three pieces of fruit today. That’s a lot for me. I had hoped to go to the gym today, but I ran out of time. Hopefully, tomorrow. Kyrie likes to eat all the pie. I only got one piece. I’m sad that Elo is moving tomorrow. I talked to her, Jessica, Caroline, and Lark today, yet, I still don’t feel social. I feel like I’m mostly prying or replying while sharing little of myself. I wish there were a pause button I could press.

Sunday, April 01, 2012


I should have known not to even play chess today, after a bird shit on me right when I sat down. I totally blew my first match, and was winning my second until I did something so stupid that I immediately surrendered after. I forgot to mention that I had lunch with Farishta yesterday. I don’t know if she noticed I was wearing the pants I wore the day we met, which is how our conversation started. I don’t really care if she did. I like having time with her. She makes me laugh and she’s terribly honest with herself.