Monday, December 31, 2012


This is my last post of 2012. [Insert cliché about the year going by too fast.] I’ve been thinking what the best thing of 2012 has been for me, and that would be getting to see Amirah on three different occasions. I want that again next year. Also, I checked off two items on my bucket list like I told my psychologist I would. I’m aiming for two more checks in 2013. I’m glad Kyrie put up with me for yet another 365 days, that I became closer with certain friends, and that I published my first two books. Toodles.

Sunday, December 30, 2012


Bed rest again. This blog must be exceptionally dull by now. I didn’t even have coffee today. I’ve been reading more Norse mythology for the new book, but so far everything I read hasn’t really fit with what I’m hoping Maddie and the narrator will do. I’m over halfway through this book, if I don’t find something by the end of it, I may just have to look into a different set of myths. Sitting. Lying. I feel like nothing. The hours just pass and with the blinds drawn I’m not always certain if it is day or night outside. 

Saturday, December 29, 2012


This has been another day spent in bed. It’s conducive to reading but I wish I didn’t have to be ill to give myself all this time to rest. The days of the campus closure are winding down which means I’ll go back to the office soon. I expected to write that I feel like I wasted my time off being sick, but I don’t feel that way at all. These days off spent at home have been good. They’ve been canoe on a lake quiet. You know what else has been nice? Not seeing either of my shrinks. Lesson?

Friday, December 28, 2012


I’m not feeling well. The illness I had a short time ago returned. Many friends have experienced relapses with recent illnesses, and so I guess I’m just up to bat. I’ve been trying to get as much sleep as I can but there are still many stressful things happening with my family. Same things and new thing and things that are going to last a while. I dreamed my head was stuck in the mouth of a large fish. This is probably because I found I like putting my eyeball up to my new nephew’s mouth until he opens it.

Thursday, December 27, 2012


The tattoo I was supposed to get didn’t happen. Drama happened instead. Oh well. Try again later. I’m dying to get something though. I want the needle pain as much as I want the design. Maybe that’s the meds. After all, pain would be feeling something. I wish I still cut. I wish I still could cut. Maybe I’ve been brainwashed by shrinks. Days and years of not cutting would collapse beneath the first new cut. I could run sharp objects freely over my body if that first cut ever happened. It would be like resuming after a long break. 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


I spent the day running many errands with Kyrie. I also ate clean tonight. I had Arkansas black apples, kidney beans, walnuts and Brazil nuts for dinner. I feel completely full. I’m looking forward to getting away from processed foods. I can’t wait to lose all this weight I put on as a result of repeatedly going out to lunch with co-workers. More good news: Ipso-Facto agreed to carry my books today. That makes me feel good. So if anyone wants to buy a copy, please visit Ipso-Facto in Fullerton. The faster they fly off the shelf the better. Goodnight. 

Tuesday, December 25, 2012


It was a good Christmas. Kyrie liked her presents. I’m not too sure about my niece and nephews though. I guess it’s not always easy for kids to get excited for books. Kyrie gave me a hoodie with little ghosts on it. I’m wearing it now. We went up to Hollywood for dinner at Doomie’s where we ran into Ed Korn from Gentleman Junkie. He has blue hair now. I plan to start implementing my no processed foods diet soon. I’ll probably only start with weekdays though. Weekends would be too hard since I like to eat out so much.

Monday, December 24, 2012


I’m still not feeling great but I finally made it up to LA to exchange gifts. Giggles and Gothypoo hosted a breakfast and made me vegan food. The gifts I received I plan to put in my office. I visited Stitches too. Remarkably, there was parking on her street. I stayed for quite some time talking with her and Shane. For some reason she asked how Maddie was. That confused me. It’s like she never knew or forgot that Maddie is no longer on this earth. She’s not anywhere. It hurt more than I would have anticipated hearing her name.

Sunday, December 23, 2012


I really need to clean up my diet. I’m going to cut out processed foods. That’s such a simple solution, but difficult to do. I guess additives are simply too delicious. I also need to spend more time reading. I’m a couple days into my vacation and I haven’t read anything despite that reading everything in this stack of books was my chief goal during my time off. The family stuff that is going on is really taking its toll. I need to also get to work on selecting what two things I will check off my bucketlist during 2013.

Saturday, December 22, 2012


I’ve been stressing today over family stuff. Others in my family are stressing too. That’s all I will say about it. The holidays came up so quickly this year. It feels like it should just be starting, but in actuality, it’s almost over. I’m still waiting on four Christmas gifts. I don’t think any of them will make it in time. The one I ordered from New York on November 30 irritates me the most. I don’t feel like I procrastinated. It also bugs me because it’s for Marie and her family lives in Sweden. I like when she’s happy.

Friday, December 21, 2012


I didn’t make it to LA tonight. I began feeling ill in the afternoon, so after I left the office I went home to lie down. I originally had plans to have Thai food with Giggles and Gothypoo. I had to reschedule. When I called to cancel I began to cough while the phone was ringing, so my illness must have seemed like absolute bullshit when Giggles answered. “Yeah, right,” I believe she said. It kind of sucks actually. Not just because being sick blows chunks but also because I was missing out on my favorite dish in Los Angeles.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


I stayed out well past my bedtime having dinner with Amanda, Jacquie, and Vera. Christina couldn’t make it. I try to have just one coffee per day, but since I was up so long, I had a total of four yesterday. That kept me awake for the drive home, but also made it impossible to sleep. Now I’m at work in this empty office running on no sleep, but it was worth it to see everyone. I hugged Amanda for a long time. I’m hoping she gets an artist residency in Los Angeles. I’d like her to be close by.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


Amanda Murphy is here from Iowa. I’m having dinner with her, Jacquie, Vera, and Christina tonight in Pasadena. We all went to Porter College at UCSC.  I’m guessing we haven’t all been in the same place in sixteen years. Dinner isn’t until seven p.m. but I left Irvine at 3 p.m. in order to miss traffic. So I’ve arrived early and am having coffee. Earlier today, I received a positive video review on both of my Maddie books. That made me happy. I’m counting the days down until Friday when the campus closes. I could use some time to myself. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


I think I’ve been working too much on this project at work. I’ve been neglecting my own work. I haven’t been writing or working on my websites. I’ve been spending so many extra hours at the office and coming home exhausted. I need to break that. I also need to break this terrible habit I’ve gotten into with going to lunch with co-workers. I’ve put on so much weight. I’m going to go back to restricting eating out and eating processed foods. I know I will feel better. It’s just so easy and pleasing to stuff one’s face with crap. 

Monday, December 17, 2012


The campus closes after Friday. Technically, I’ll be off work until the New Year but I imagine I’ll work a few of the days to make progress on this Course Inventory Management project. Still, I’ll have some time to myself. During this time, I’m going to try to write a full draft of the new book, get tattooed, clean up my diet, and go to the gym. I’m beginning to lose confidence that all of the gifts I ordered will arrive before Christmas. One that shipped seven days ago from New York still hasn’t arrived. Another is coming from Ireland.

Sunday, December 16, 2012


I didn’t read as much as I should have today, but I was tired. I didn’t get home from the party until early this morning. The freeway was shut down to one lane for some of my ride home, which made the ride much longer than it had to be. I had fun at the party. It was nice to see people. I had a couple of serious conversations as well, which gave me a lot to think about on that shitty ride home. I’m also letting go of someone in my life and that’s made me a little sad. 

Saturday, December 15, 2012


I’ve been shedding things, losing projects that are not or do not impact my writing. I always bite off too much. Inevitably I abandon the things I discover are less important to me because I need to sleep and save myself from over work and stress. Sucks that there isn’t enough time in a lifetime for everything. Tonight Todd and I are going to Giggles’ and Gothypoo’s Christmas cookie pajama party. I was with Todd the night I met Giggles seven years ago. I hope Candy attends. I’d like to see her smile. Sadly, seeing Sarah tonight is a longshot.

Friday, December 14, 2012


Nearly thirty people were slaughtered in a shooting rampage in Connecticut. Most were children. It’s upsetting that children died such terrible deaths and that both the living and deceased experienced so much terror. I don’t think a ban on handguns and assault weapons will ever succeed in the United States. I don’t support guns but I also don’t fault those who do. Guns, even if outlawed, will always be available illegally. For many, that necessitates the need to arm themselves. I wish people didn’t want guns in the same way they don’t want syphilis.  That’s my head in the sand.

Thursday, December 13, 2012


I arrived at work extra early today. More hours to myself. My meds aren’t doing everything they’re supposed to. I can feel it. I can feel traces of me surfacing. I’ve been reading more of my diary. The pages smell old. That’s an odd thing to consider. Proof of age. I’ve been listening to music that I don’t recognize for the sake of not feeling distracted by it. I tune it out but hear enough of it that I don’t hear those around me. It doesn’t feel like Christmas this year. I feel disconnected from my friends. I feel alone. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


People sitting. People crouching. S.A.D. I’m glad I don’t see my psychiatrist until next year. I didn’t take my Prozac. I ran out. I only had enough to take 300 mg of Wellbutrin. Earlier this week, I boasted about making this amazing spreadsheet that would track the inventory and ordering of all my vitamins and medications. I finished my Christmas shopping today. I’m just waiting for things to arrive now. I had to break down and ask Stina what she wanted for Christmas because I was having a tough time. She just asked that we hang out. That was so nice.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


Hi B_____. I woke thinking about you. Expected. Death day. I thought of you again as I drove into work. As I did, your song came on. That felt odd. With the playlist I was listening to, there was a one in one hundred chance, but I wouldn’t have wagered on it. A few years ago my psychologist told me to stop visiting you on your days so that I could let go. It worked. I don’t know if I should be sorry about that. By now you’re only bones, and this post is all me. I miss you anyway.

Monday, December 10, 2012


I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a new piece of fiction about a character with death anxiety. It took a strange turn over the weekend. It’s shaping itself into an autobiography of what my life could be like if I ever became a serial killer. My character wouldn’t care about getting caught because suicide would always be part of the plan. I mentioned this story idea in a previous post. Then, it had just been about death anxiety and suicide, but now the character wants to murder first in order to choose the most ideal way to die. 

Sunday, December 09, 2012


I won both of my chess matches against Paul today. That doesn’t happen frequently. In one of the games, I saw further ahead than I usually do, so I felt good about that. Sarah texted to tell me that she loves me. That was ever so pleasing. I’ve wanted her love for a long time. I’ve probably had it for a while, but it’s nice to know it has been asserted. I went to a birthday party in the afternoon. It was too loud to get any reading done. That displeased me because my reading list is really piling up.

Saturday, December 08, 2012


I went to work today. My second Saturday in a row. I had a surprise video call while I was there. It was Cathy Begien. She’s still in New York. She has a dog named Cheeseburger. We talked about others we went to UCSC with. I’m very pleased that so many of us are still doing art. She’ll be in Irvine for Christmas. We’re scheduled to meet up the day after. I have too many projects I want to write right now. I need to prioritize, but it’s difficult. I want to do them all. I wish sleep wasn’t necessary.

Friday, December 07, 2012


My energy has been low. I’ve been working a lot. Reading through my old diaries hasn’t been a source of comfort or vitality either. I’ve been in touch with Danielle more than usual lately. That’s been nice. I’m glad she’s in my life still and that we had our years together. I think the more I work on contending with my death anxiety, the more suicidal I feel. I guess that makes sense. I canceled with my psychologist this week because of work. I told her I would call her in the New Year. That’s a long break for us.

Thursday, December 06, 2012


When I saw Amirah, she mentioned reading her diaries. An entry from mine 03/01/1995:

I think now, it doesn’t seem so silly that I saw us as pharaohs atop a pyramid, when I slept on acid. It is a silly notion, but I don’t feel alone in it any longer. Acid. No longer. Not today. Speed. I haven’t slept or eaten for five days. I pissed today. While doing, I realized it had been four days. I’m thinking now of, “I don’t know if the amphetamines have anything to do with it…” I like that as a sentence--present tense.
The cover of the diary I started writing in on February 19, 1995. I put those labels on. I remember liking that the middle one said "LIVE FOR NEVER."

Wednesday, December 05, 2012


I’m such a hypocrite. Right now, I’m trying to help someone with very low self-esteem. If you’ve ever done that, you’d know that it’s basically throwing words at a brick wall—everything bounces off, nothing is absorbed. I expect that. But I’m shoveling things that are true that I know I myself wouldn’t listen to if they were said to me.  To make things worse, I don’t know that there is anyone in the world I would rather see the truth than this person, but I’m no good at getting through to her. She probably even realizes that I’m unqualified.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012


So today, I’m doing what I always do when I’m writing something…I begin wanting to write something else before finishing. I’m currently writing the new Maddie book that’s about goth bullying, but I’ve been having trouble finding a suitable myth to work with. Anyhow, I started toying around with the idea of a different story where the narrator attempts to get a girlfriend and his superficial list of ideal girlfriend qualities. It’s so tempting to start writing that, but I shouldn’t, so I took some notes on a digital post-it-note. I guess I’ll make that the subject of book four. 

Monday, December 03, 2012


I wrote a short script at the request of my friend Sandy (Detox). She needed something to film for a class she’s in. I wrote it over the weekend. After sending it to two incorrect email addresses, she finally received it and just told me that she loves it. I’m glad for that. I liked how it came out too. Hopefully it will spread some gloom. Today’s weird. If I wear my hoodie I’m too hot, but if I take it off, I’m cold. I don’t feel sick. I wish Sarah would write back already. I’ve been waiting for hours.

Sunday, December 02, 2012


“Fuck you, Swink.” That line popped into my head. You don’t need to know what it means, because without the backstory, it wouldn’t be funny. What is important is that it reminded me of my dearly departed friend Steve Gaudette and how we used to laugh. I miss him. A few weeks ago, I drove by the old office where we used to work together. It’s very different now. Some religious group occupies the office building now. It makes me laugh knowing that I had sex in that building, on my bosses couch nonetheless, because I was mad at him.