Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I’m not feeling well. I arrived to work late. I left early to see my psychiatrist. The waiting room was crowded, our talk brief. My meds stayed the same. He mentioned taking me off the one he knows I don’t like in January, but later in the conversation he used the phrase “in a few months.” People either lie or are sloppy with their language or both. I saw my personal trainer too. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling well, but he kicked my ass anyway. I called him a fucker, which surprised him at first, but made him laugh later.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


The shower I took after the gym was especially satisfying. I hadn’t been to the gym in six days and it took a lot of effort to get myself to go today. As usual, I’m glad I did. Recent days have been interesting. I’ve gotten closer to a few of my close friends. I’ve been waking before 4 a.m. again and going to work. It’s led to longer workdays but I’m getting a lot done. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it. I’m annoyed with him. I don’t want to see my trainer tomorrow either.

Monday, November 28, 2011


I didn’t go to the gym during the four day weekend, and I don’t think I’ll be able to go today either, because I’m working late. When I look in the mirror I feel like I put back on all the weight that I lost, even though it wasn’t much to begin with. I guess I’m feeling unhealthy after going so regularly. Well, at least the reason I didn’t go over the weekend was because I was writing. I need to learn how to balance both my writing and my health, but it’s been that way for a long while.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


I lost in chess twice against Paul. The boy who asked to play chess with us last weekend showed up again today. His mother said he’d been looking forward to it all week. It took me an hour and twenty minutes to drive from Irvine to Los Feliz. I was nearly late for my lunch with Vera. I’m glad I got to see her. We chat online, but it’s been years in person. Though it seems we both prefer for the other to talk, I think we covered a great deal. She’s considering not being a writer anymore. boo hoo.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I wrote more today. I didn’t get as far as I would have liked, but the pages I do have are pretty clean. I talked to Jessica today. She’s going through a lot; cycles can really suck. I met Kyrie on her lunch break and brought her these spinach buns she likes from Wheel of Life. After that, I went back home to write, but my phone rang soon after, and I answered because it was Sarah. We spoke for over three hours. I’m happy she finally began to laugh. We both did, especially when talking shit on our shrinks.

Friday, November 25, 2011


I wrote a lot today. I also discarded a lot of what I wrote. Still, it felt good to be writing in script format again without having an anxiety attack. For the duration of the day, I didn’t do much more than that besides masturbate, which I often must do before I start writing. If I don’t, I get too distracted. In the evening Kyrie and I went to see “Martha Marcy May Marlene.” Good performances, but too many flashbacks for my liking. After that we saw the documentary “Into the Abyss.” I liked both films more than Kyrie did.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Thanksgiving—my favorite holiday of the year. Kyrie and I drove up to Hollywood to pick up vegan Thanksgiving dinners at Doomie’s, a restaurant owned by a friend of ours. We brought it back to Orange County so we could eat with my family who eats real meat. All that driving meant we missed a lot of the Twilight Zone marathon, but we later discovered that every episode is available on Netflix streaming. I heard from Larysa today, which was a nice surprise. After dinner, we intended to go see the film “Into the Abyss” but we were too sleepy.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I finally got to see my psychologist today. We talked for a long time about the thing that had been bothering me and all the people involved that ultimately left me secretly hurt. I don’t think we made much progress. I’m going to have to talk about it more in my next session. My personal trainer was so hard on me today. I thought I was getting in shape, but he changed things on me and now everything is hard again. Kyrie and I saw “The Descendents” tonight. I enjoyed many of the characters but the film was pretty slow.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Tonight I peed in a restroom that had deer head trophies above the urinals. Weird. Todd is in town for the holiday weekend, so Kyrie and I were able to meet up with him and other friends at a bar. That’s where the hunter’s pee station was. I had a hard time waking this morning, I don’t know why. I doubt it’s depression, and I’m hoping it’s not laziness. I’m thinking of shutting down the meagothy site. Our viewership is down, and I no longer have anyone helping me. Not running it would create more time for writing and film.

Monday, November 21, 2011


This is the third day in a row I’ve written and grown more excited about my new script. At work work, I worked for ten hours, but I finished two little projects. I had to force myself to go to the gym tonight, and as usual, I felt great afterward. Two of the trainers told me they could tell I’ve lost weight. Only six pounds, but oh well. Final Jeopardy tonight was too easy. The book I requested from another library arrived today. It’s interesting. It’s called The Private Worlds of Dying Children.” It was a dissertation written in 1978.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I actually won two games of chess this morning. The first was against an eight year old who asked to play while I waiting for Paul to arrive. The boy is in third grade and in the chess club at his school. Paul played him after. He may come again next Sunday. I took a long nap, as I was still tired from the night before. This evening I saw “Like Crazy.” It was brilliant, and definitely my favorite film I’ve seen all year. After the film, Kyrie and I went out for vegan pizza. I ate five pieces. Guilty.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


My page count isn’t substantial with my new script, but I am enjoying the writing of it. I changed the sex of one of the main characters. It’s transformed from being about a woman and a man, to a woman and a boy, and now to a woman and a girl. I went to the gym in the morning; at night Kyrie and I headed up to Hollywood to have dinner at Toi and see Jessica. Afterwards we went to Silverlake in search of Rachel Haywire’s party, but it was already 2 a.m. and it must have been shut down.

Friday, November 18, 2011


At least this is the productive kind of depression. The upset-for-a-reason kind of depression. The kind that the pills won’t help, but also won’t keep me in bed. I typically write more during this kind of sadness. So yay and boo hoo. I hope it ends, but I also hope it lasts long enough for me to finish writing something pretty. DaniellE has been asking me questions about my psychosis. She’s a therapist now. It’s odd feeling more naked now in front of her than I ever did in college when we were together and I gave her my virginity.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


I’ve been feeling vulnerable to getting hurt lately. I nearly cried today. It was surprising and wonderful. It’s nice to feel stuff. This is the result of decreasing a med that keeps me emotionally numbed. I ate too much and didn’t get up from my desk enough. I need to see my shrink, but won’t until Wednesday. I have much to tell her. Amirah has been a good shoulder to whine on. I’m envious of people with the courage to stand in at the Occupy protests. I make many excuses of why I can’t go today or tomorrow. Hi, Sarah.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


I have three crushes at the gym. But better than seeing them is watching this other guy workout. He has Michael Landon hair, big headphones, wears short shorts, and a shirt that would be best described as a loincloth. The appeal isn’t actually him; it’s the uncomfortable looks on the faces of those around him. Between sets he prances about the gym. All the muscleheads grin at each other, asserting to all that they aren’t a closet prancer. No one says shit to him, either because he’s in better shape than nearly everyone else, or because he wouldn’t hear it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I made another significant change to my new script. The likeness to the novel version continues to vanish. I’m now doing research on children with terminal illnesses. Kyrie showed me yesterday that she’s trying to address some of the issues that hamper our relationship. I feel like a bad boyfriend. I’m too selfish. We had falafel pitas for lunch and tacos for dinner. It was nice eating together more than once on a weekday. I had to drag myself to the gym, but left feeling glad that I did. I talked to Sarah; she isn’t fond of my new script.

Monday, November 14, 2011


Lauren unintentionally hurt me today, and it was delicious. I'm still reveling in it. It's pleasurable to feel something sharp enough to get through the meds. I made a major change in my new script while walking to lunch. It's a big deviation from the novel version of the story. I’m excited to write this, but I know the early days of an idea are always like this for me. Wait until the days of revisions arrive and I’ll be posting with less enthusiasm. I’m supposed to go to the gym tonight, but don’t feel like it. Maybe. Maybe not.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


I lost both games of chess this morning. I should’ve won the second, but I’m a moron. Kyrie and I went to yoga for the first time today. It was so difficult. My clothing was soaked. Kyrie hung in there better than I. I dread going back. I claimed a new secret place to write. While there, I shelved my current script “The Method.” I kicked other ideas around, but decided to move forward with something I originally intended for a novel. I’m more energetic about it and need all the help I can get to write anything these days.

Saturday, November 12, 2011


I heard something today I wish I didn’t hear. I can’t believe the person telling me wouldn’t think it would hurt to have knowledge of, but I guess that’s just how self-centered people can be. Regardless, I hid the pain pretty well. There are others around me who would have interest in knowing this, but I’ll spare them, because I think they would be hurt too. Who knows? Maybe they’ve been sparing me from it. Sarah is behaving strangely today. I find that puzzling. Kyrie and I had dinner at FreeSoulCaffe. It was delish, but we spent way too much.

Friday, November 11, 2011


It’s Veteran’s Day today. My veteran friends are dead. In the morning, I went to coffee and read while waiting for Farishta. I was happy to see her. We saw “Immortals.” It was terrible, but she liked it. I took a pre-club nap when I got home. I went to Das Bunker with Kyrie and Jessica, but we didn’t arrive until after one a.m. I saw many people I hadn’t seen in a while, and Rachael even showed up. Jessica found a potential person to score The Fiancés. I danced a lot, this made possible by all that gym stuff.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Our office closed early in anticipation of the long weekend. I thought about going to a club tonight, but with the crap going on in my head about my relationship, I decided against it. I still made it to the gym to see my personal trainer though. He taught me more stuff and told me I was doing too much cardio. I didn’t know that was possible. Jessica and I talked on the phone for a good while, it was nice, but I feel bad for her. Sometimes I think she worries that she doesn’t know how to help me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


I wasn’t at work for very long today. I left early to see my psychologist and then optometrist. I left my psychologist early too. I didn’t feel like talking, and when we did it was mostly about family stuff, which was mostly complaining. My glasses prescription hasn’t changed for maybe a decade. I still only need glasses to read and be on the computer. I’m frustrated with Kyrie today and she knows it. I went to the gym just to do cardio. It’s weird. The thing I hated most in the beginning is the thing I look forward to now.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011


I wrote today. Not well, but I did it. I worked on finishing the outline to my first act, before actually writing script text. I’ve been spending too much time on the opening dialogue. It’s not very good, and hacking away at it for an hour hasn’t made it any better. I need to move on and come back to it. I should be worrying about my plot points right now more than anything else. Kyrie isn’t feeling well. She’s been in bed watching some RuPaul drag queen show. I forget the title. I just know she says, “Sashay away.”

Monday, November 07, 2011


I was irritable today. I have reasons, but I don’t really feel like putting them out there. The good thing is that I went to the gym in order to elevate my mood, and it worked to some degree. I talked to Sarah today. I like that our conversations are becoming regular again. She’s shiny. We’re talking right now as I type this. I threw the pumpkins carved for Halloween in the green waste. When I pulled the lids off, I was shocked to see tons of mold and gnats living in the hollow cavities we carved out. Super gross.

Sunday, November 06, 2011


I slept in a little today after having a late night out. As we usually do on Sunday mornings, Paul and I played chess. It was a good game and I had him on the run, but of course I was destined to make a stupid move, and then another. I lost. Kyrie and I had lunch together, but the food was just so-so. Later, I met with Rachael in San Pedro for coffee. We walked around a bit afterward. There were barges and starfish and the air was cold. It was nice. She’s much different in person than online.

Saturday, November 05, 2011


Another birthday. The day was busy. My little sister got married, and then I went to Little Tokyo with many friends for vegan sushi. There were sixteen dishes on the menu I was interested in trying; I ordered them all. Some were great; some were not so good. I raised $186 dollars for ECPAT, by donating my birthday toward their cause. I’ve been thinking about a blog post Kyle sent me, and my conversation with Sarah at dinner; both gave me a new outlook for my writing. I hope it helps reinvigorate me. Getting older bothered me less this year.

Friday, November 04, 2011


I was inside a church for the first time in at least a decade. My sister’s wedding rehearsal. I don’t think my family realizes how uncomfortable it is to be an atheist inside of a church, especially an evangelical one. Evangelicals seem to care less about ornamentation, which makes it more difficult because you can’t just admire the stained glass or architecture while they do their thing. I must say though, religious people often look happy. That’s nice to see. It makes me sad knowing they don’t know there’s nothing after. Smoking opium in college felt good. It was bliss.

Thursday, November 03, 2011


Today, I was called a slut. I took it as a compliment. If only it were true; this blog would be juicier. I went to the gym after work. It felt good. I listened to a lot of noize and couldn’t help dancing between sets. My endurance has increased and apparently I’m getting stronger. I wrote some. Very little, but it was something. I got to talk to Lindsay this morning. That was nice. We don’t get to talk as much anymore as our schedules no longer coincide. She said she had five minutes, but we talked for nearly thirty.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011


Today started out okay. I woke early and went to work and got a lot done before anyone else arrived. Someone asked for my advice on finding a therapist. Glad to help but I don’t know how I feel about being the go to guy for basketcaseness. I sent a cheerful text to another friend only to learn she had delivered today but her baby did not survive. I don’t know how to help her other than being there to listen. My family had its own turmoil and I left work early. Canceled with my psychiatrist. Canceled with my trainer.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011


My birthday is Saturday. I donated it to ECPAT again. If you are interested in giving me something for my birthday, please visit my donation page. It’s for a very good cause. I finished reading “Exquisite Corpse” by Poppy Z. Brite. I need to read it again. There were shifts in the point of view that threw me off. I went to the gym, because I didn’t go on Monday like I was supposed to. I did more than ever and left feeling good. To top the day off, I got to talk to Disco at length in the evening.