Monday, October 31, 2011


I had a sex dream last night. On the drive into work, I saw a guy throw his golf club on the golf course I pass. I do not correlate the two events. Wellbutrin tablets seem to make it fine through a wash and dry, but my Prozac caplets end up empty and shriveled like raisins. I have to be careful with the Ritalin, it appears very similar to my Klonopins. They’re both yellow. On the way back from lunch we saw a big yellow school bus being lifted onto a flatbed tow truck. My burrito had lots of onions.

Sunday, October 30, 2011


I woke up late today and forgot about my chess game. We rescheduled. Kyrie and I went to have the pictures on the waterproof disposable camera we bought before kayaking last weekend developed. We came back after one hour and the person who was developing them went on lunch. We rescheduled the pickup. We went to Jay and Ian’s and carved pumpkins with everyone. I tried to make my jack-o-lantern wink this year, but it didn’t come out to good. The eyebrows were too thick like Dukakis’. I also ate too many pumpkin seeds. Kyrie made tacos for dinner. Yums.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


My tragus piercing fell out at the gym last night. Tonight I went and had a piercer replace it. To my surprise, Angie was working at the shop. It was nice to see her. What’s also been nice is that I’ve gotten to talk to Disco two days in a row. That’s uncommon. I wish we were related by blood. I worked on editing more of The Fiancés. I didn’t get as far as I wanted, but came close. At the gym, I skipped cardio. Too tired. I think my trainer is having me lift more than I can handle.

Friday, October 28, 2011


I like the sound I hear when I refill my prescriptions over the phone and the computer is computing. It sounds like bubbles popping in a cartoon bathtub. I heard from M___ for the first time in two months. That was nice. She’d been incommunicado for fear of hurting me. Silence is the heavier burden when compared to being hurt. Disco and I had plans to hang out tomorrow, but it was canceled—bummer. Kyle asked to collaborate on more films, where I would only need to provide the writing. That’s really exciting and what I’d like most for myself.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


I stayed home from work today. Depressed again. I opened my screenwriting program, and revised my current script a tiny bit. It wasn’t enough, but it was something. I’ve been disappointed in myself that I haven’t participated in any of the Occupy protests directly. I’ve blogged and tweeted for months about Wall Street and now that something has been actively going on, I haven’t stood up and done my part. Since cutting back on one of my meds, I have already heard, seen, and felt. To be honest, it feels good, but I expect it will lead to more meds.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I saw my psychologist today. We spent a lot of time talking about why I’ve become afraid to use my script writing program. It’s been two months since I’ve opened it. In the session, I concluded the reason for it is because “Forever Candy” started out feeling like such a great script. Someone even told me it was the best thing I’d ever written. But when I finished it, it was no longer received with the same enthusiasm, and even I knew it was no longer good. I really liked the character of Candy, which really made the disappointment hurt.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Today has been blah. I feel down. I’ve been dwelling on dying. I really detest dying. The new medication that makes me sleepy may be losing its effectiveness, and I’m due to cut my dosage by half. That will help me stay awake and Ritalin free, but once I tell my doctor about today, he’ll probably put the dose right back to where it was, and I’ll be stuck being a zombie all day again. I shouldn’t predict the future. That’s what my psychologist tells me. But people are often predictable, especially after you’ve known them for years. Hi l___.

Monday, October 24, 2011


A few weeks ago, we got new computers at work. Today, I finally was able to re-install a program to block my ability to go to certain websites, namely Facebook. I’m well aware that I find a lot of social media addicting. I’m already getting a lot more done. I didn’t eat often enough today. I started getting lightheaded at one point, but I didn’t eat for fear of spoiling my dinner with Kyrie. I left work so late yesterday, that I skipped the gym. Fail. I’m considering writing a novel. I find the task is both scary and exciting.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Paul and I had a really good chess game today, maybe our best one yet. I still lost, of course. I went to the gym and rode the stupid bike for five whole minutes longer than I had been. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but I felt pretty good about myself afterward. Came home and watched this History Channel while doing laundry. I just picked Kyrie up from work. We decided to go to Chipotle for dinner. It was terrible. I don’t know how people like it. I feel like crap now and it didn’t even taste good.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Kyrie and I woke up earlier than we planned and headed up to LA to pick up Jessica and Cy. We all had breakfast. I had a tofu omelet. Yums. Afterward, we drove down to La Jolla to meet up with Lauren and Tim. We all went sea kayaking. It was pretty interesting and a lot of fun, but I admit, I became a complainer before it was over. My legs hurt. After we got cleaned up, we all went to Ebisu to celebrate Lauren’s birthday, though a tad late. We had lots of sushi. I drove 346 miles altogether.

Friday, October 21, 2011


I didn’t take my nighttime medication last night. As a result, I wasn’t sleepy the next morning and woke up at 4 a.m. I went to work. We had a company BBQ. It was nice. After work, I went to the gym. I lifted and then rowed for half an hour. I like rowing, but half an hour of it can get boring. Anyhow, I’m glad I didn’t get off of the damn thing until it was over. I read some today. That was nice too. I need to go to sleep early tonight, because I have a long Saturday.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


It was cold out this evening. That’s really nice. Work was good. I finally got something off my desk that has been pending for over a month. Gaddafi was killed today. I know he was a tyrant, but I still felt sorry for him when I saw the video of his final moments. The look on his face made me sad. I’m too sentimental. I felt bad for Saddam Hussein too when he was hanged. I’m just against killing anyone. I didn’t eat enough calories today, but I wasn’t hungry. Only 1,313. I read a book out in the cold.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I did bumpers of Ritalin in order to stay awake today. I saw my psychiatrist in the afternoon. We went round and round discussing possibilities of changes to my prescriptions, but in the end we stayed on exactly the same medicinal regimen. I discovered another friend of mine, Casi, also watches Jersey Shore. I worked out with my trainer today. It went a lot better than our first session in that I didn’t feel the need to vomit. I was better hydrated this time. I must be returning to my usual self, because I feel like hitting the books tonight.


I went to the gym again at 4:30 a.m. I didn’t do so well. I just wasn’t into it. I only did thirty minutes of cardio. Even that sucked. I popped a Ritalin three times today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just cannot stay awake. Rachel Torrey and I had a very good conversation today. I took a long nap when I got home from work. When I woke, Kyrie and I ate the gyozas she made. In bed, I saw black lights and white lights beneath my eyelids. Maybe my brain will eventually overpower the Latuda.

Monday, October 17, 2011


Kyrie and I went to the gym at 4:30 a.m. We didn’t stay too long but it made me slightly late for work. I wish exercise were easier. It’s such a pain in the everywhere. I’ve been trying to eat better too. Even that’s easier than doing cardio. I got to talk to Marie tonight. That was nice. It’s been a while. She doesn’t call because she always thinks I’m too busy for her. That’s a shame. I enjoy talking to her. I created a new doc for my treatment; I titled it, but it’s still a blank white page.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


I woke thinking I should write a treatment of my current script. They don’t teach you to write them at UCLA; they use other techniques. I might try it anyway; it’s a baby step toward script format without actually using it. I’ve never written a treatment before. I think I had a slight panic attack and took a Klonopin. It helped. I went to my writer’s meeting in West Hollywood. The scripts we discussed were very good. After that I met up with Kyrie, Jessica, and Cynthia. I also briefly saw Severa—the woman who is scoring my little films.

Saturday, October 15, 2011


I worked out with a personal trainer for the first time today. At one point, I felt like I was going to vomit. It’s clear to me that when I work out alone, I’m not putting in as much effort as I should, but do I really need to go until I feel sick? I was out of it for the rest of the day. I felt nauseated and shaky. I kept thinking I should eat, but the helpful effects brought on by food were always transitory. I spent a large part of the rest of the day in bed.

Friday, October 14, 2011


My psychiatrist phoned twice again tonight. I didn’t answer. If I did, I’d have to admit that I’m feeling a little suicidal; and shrinks always freak out when you deal out the “S” word. I admitted to myself today that I’ve become afraid of the script format. I haven’t been writing well, and I’ve been running from it, wasting time with half efforts on scraps of paper and note cards. I can’t face it. I have so much, but it feels like nothing when I can’t write. Need to get off these meds. I feel toxic. I said, “a little.”

Thursday, October 13, 2011


This depression sucks. I left work today after five hours. I haven’t spoken to my best friend for weeks. I know things are good in her life right now, and I just feel like a downer. I don’t know if I’ll stay on the Ritalin. I don’t think this dose is enough to be effective, but I also feel like it’s giving me headaches. My psychiatrist called twice and I didn’t answer. I paid for Season 3 of Jersey Shore. Jwoww and Sammi just made up. This is me disappearing into my hermitage. I should listen to my voicemails now.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I saw my psychologist for the first time in three weeks. She was on vacation. Greece and Turkey. She mentioned she’s been seeing me for five years. I asked her if she was sick of me yet. She evaded. The pesto I made tonight wasn’t very good. It was too dry. My pharmacist shorted me on my Fluoxetine. I don’t hassle myself by counting my pills whenever I pick up my monthly prescriptions. Depending on the month, that would mean counting between 180 and 240 pills. I was told to come in and we’d “go from there,” whatever-the-fuck that means.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


I had an interesting conversation with Vera this morning. Somehow, it felt overdue. I ate out too many times. I’ve been unprepared for the shakes I get from taking Ritalin. Tonight Kyrie and I went for a walk—to Taco Bell. Someone reflected in a pane of glass looked like Mila. The eyeball dress I ordered for Jessica arrived today. I wish I could give it to her tonight; she’s been down. It’ll have to wait until the weekend. Casi and I talked about Jersey Shore. Finally, a friend of mine who watches it; I have someone to talk to.

Monday, October 10, 2011


I feel spun. I think it’s the Ritalin. I don’t think I’m eating enough. But I didn’t feel any better after eating twice. I just had a bunch of water; that made me feel a little better. Our Europe plans are falling apart. Maybe we’ll have to postpone it or just go somewhere else. I finally went back to work today, but I felt shaky and didn’t get much done. I hope tomorrow will be better. Yes, I think the water did me good. Sarah is back in Los Angeles. That makes me happy. I subscribe to too many magazines.

Sunday, October 09, 2011


I lost both chess games this morning. I hoped the Ritalin I’m taking now would help, but that has yet to be seen. I may buy some books on the subject. I also want my doctor to increase my dose. Kyrie and I went to a wedding reception this evening. It was fun. It was nice to dance together. As expected, I saw Tanya there. I enjoy talking to her. Our tastes in film are similar. She caught the bouquet. I wish she felt more attractive. She’s very pretty and quick witted. The people around her life must be dumb.

Saturday, October 08, 2011


I went to the gym this morning and couldn’t get my locker opened. I tried the combination at least ten times before getting the gym staff to cut the padlock. When the locker was opened, my stuff was not inside. I’m an idiot and had the wrong lock cut. I replaced the lock, but I imagine the person would still be pissed. Kyrie and I saw “Dream House” that night. It had an interesting premise, but didn’t work because the stakes for the protagonist were reduced half way through the film. I ran out of Jersey Shore episodes on Netflix.

Friday, October 07, 2011


Beginning to feel the positive side of my new medication. However, I still spent most of my day watching Jersey Shore. Despite this, I feel like I might be back to working on things as early as tomorrow. Maybe I should go the library to work. I get a lot done there. Still trying to work out our trip to Europe. We have so many options. We’re even considering going for longer than we planned on. I’m supposed to tattoo more of my ribs tomorrow, but I haven’t heard back from the tattoo artist, so I’m not counting on it.

Thursday, October 06, 2011


I stayed home today yet again. I can feel the new meds trying, but I think the dosage is too low. I did very little other than watch episodes of Jersey Shore. I don’t even feel like reading, that’s odd. The trip to Paris hit a snag, a clerical error of sorts. May have to go someplace else, just can’t decide where. The problem is that most of the places we have to choose from now aren’t in major cities; they’re relaxing getaways, lots of beaches and stuff. I don’t know if I could handle a whole week of serenity.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011


I stayed in bed again for the majority of the day. I feel sick, but I know the cause of it is depression. I was scheduled to see my psychiatrist today; our session began late and lasted twice as long as usual. I think we were fighting. Oddly, he gave me a prescription for something I asked for months ago. I didn’t even bring it up today. I’ll start popping a new pill in the morning. I feel like I could vomit. The glare of the computer screen in the dark is hurting my eyes too. Time to shut down.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011


It rained today. That was nice. I left work early because I felt ill. That was not nice. I learned that Sarah might be back in Los Angeles by my birthday. That made me happy. Her smiling face in person would make a wonderful birthday present. I can’t think of what else to say to make my one hundred words, so I’ll tell you that Kyrie just undressed and is sitting in bed with her laptop in only her bra and panties. She’s looking at things on Etsy, which means I’m watching her screen, though I doubt she’s watching mine.

Monday, October 03, 2011


I was a little tightly wound today, as I spent much of my afternoon arguing in support of #OccupyWallStreet online with people I don’t even know. On top of that, I continue to struggle with my script “The Method.” I’m told it’s a good premise, which only makes it more difficult to put down, but I’ve grown weary of struggling with it. I began toying with a new script today. On a positive note, I sold five cards on; I think I know who bought them. I chatted with Candy today, which has become a rare pleasure for me.

Sunday, October 02, 2011


I had an amazing orgasm today. I couldn’t move after it. I nearly passed out. I wrote today, but not very well. I can’t figure out why the scenes are taking so long to unfold in this script. I need help editing The Fiancés too. Usually, I look forward to my projects, but I feel like I’ve been retreating from them. We may be spending a week in Paris next year. It’s only a week, but oh well. I’d like to feed Iphigenia today, but her fangs are still pink, so I don’t think she could sink them into anything.

Saturday, October 01, 2011


While sitting with a soy latte and a vegan tea cake, I thought I was being stood up, but I had the meeting time wrong. I’m beginning to feel in need of a smart phone again. Martha arrived on time and we ate vegan burritos and talked. Then I had a good meeting with my book designer. Later, I had the best vegan sushi with Elo and her boyfriend Ken in Little Tokyo. Afterwards, I visited Jessica and we talked for hours. I drove home thinking Kyrie and I would dine out, but she surprised me with vegan stuffed peppers.