Friday, September 30, 2011


One of my spiders, Iphigenia, molted today. Oddly, she did not go into her cave to do so. Right now she’s sitting with her discarded carcass showing off her brand new coat. Kyrie and I saw “Sarah’s Key” tonight. Compelling story but not a great film. I dined out three times today. There’s a delicious but bad habit. I’m writing in the last pages of my current diary, and have been looking for its successor. Why do so many journal makers insist on ruining the simplicity of their journals by embossing the word “Journal” on their covers? My search continues.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


I woke with my knee hurting, and have been limping around all day. I don’t know what happened. I think it’s just old man syndrome. In addition to feeling old, I’m having a hard time feeling like I have any real writing talent. I wish I had had a production by now. I haven’t placed in any competitions since 2008. To be fair, I haven’t entered anything lately, but that’s only because I don’t have anything worth sending out. Maybe when I see my children’s book on Amazon that will give me the confidence boost I’m in desperate need of.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


I drove to work today listening to The Pixies "Digging for Fire." I thought maybe that meant digging to hell. I thought maybe that meant digging to the core of the earth. Then I wondered if somehow dead people were buried in the sky, would heaven be thought of in the ground rather than the clouds? It’s their burial in the ground and our inherent fear of death that makes hell down and heaven up. Oh well. I like The Pixies. They make me think of college and Amy Schwertman especially. I hate getting old. I hate having to die.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


This country is full of shit. We like to talk the talk about democracy and self-determination, yet we are the major roadblock for Palestine achieving statehood. They should have always been thus. And now we’re selling Israel bunker busting bombs. They’re probably paying for them with the 8.2 million dollar daily allowance doled out to them by the United States government. The US must stop its financial backing of the big bully in the sandbox. Iranian fear tactics. In other news, I’m glad to hear that Chris Christie will not be running for president; that would have given me diarrhea.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Depression kept me at home from work today. I just couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed. I couldn’t even watch a whole movie. I began watching “Panic in Needle Park” but fell asleep. I thought about writing, but didn’t do any. I saw Disco come online briefly, that was nice, but we didn’t get to talk. Still, I like knowing that she’s out there. At 6 p.m., I finally took my morning shower. Gross. I hate it when I’m like this. Tomorrow will be better. Soon it will be time to sleep. I’ve had vivid dreams lately.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


I woke thinking that that dream would make Steve laugh. I would have to tell him. Then I remembered he is dead. I’ve been wondering who will have to die in my family for my sisters to make up and stop disowning each other. I have an appointment with a personal trainer this morning. Exercise. Bleh. I’ve been thinking about how absurd the story of Samson is. Magic hair. Oh please. The stuff we call mythology was more human. Gods used to hate each other. But this new One Guy can only claim we are made in His image. Useless.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


I over slept today. I even took a nap. While awake, I wrote a little and then edited footage for The Fiancés. It was slow going. I’m having trouble with the pacing, but I’m sure it will get figured out. I walked to meet Kyrie on her lunch break and then took a roundabout way home. I read a travel book today. Kyrie and I are trying to figure out where to take a vacation. To my surprise, Argentina is on the table. I want to see Cape Horn. I’d love to sail around it. We’re still considering Europe too.

Friday, September 23, 2011


Months ago I took a survey about the food selection here on campus. I commented that there weren’t many choices for vegans. Shortly after the survey deadline, vegan food appeared in one of our campus stores. Though I felt partially responsible for its arrival, the price and appearance kept me from ever purchasing any of it. Today I finally did. I realized that with my limited culinary experience, I am quite a vegan chef. I’m not saying I’ll never buy it again. The proximity of the campus store to my office makes it convenient, and I suppose that’s the point.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


I arrived at work very late today. 8:32 a.m. But I stayed extra late as a result. I got a lot done and wish I could have stayed longer, but I had something else to do. I listened to Pandora radio a lot today. I need to do that more often. It makes the day nicer. I feel like a schmuck today. I won’t say why, but I do. I’m also concerned about one of my closest friends. She’s been in a relationship that has not been good for her for a long time and has such difficulty letting go.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I arrived at work at 4 a.m. It was perfect. It was so quiet. I got so much done. I left at 2 p.m., but haven’t done much but go the gas station since I left. Exciting post. I continued thinking about a film I saw last night, Valhalla Rising; I don’t think I understood it, but I found it intriguing anyway and it was nice to look at. I’ve been making new friends recently, I don’t know why. But I can think of three people I speak to at length now that I didn’t speak to a month ago.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


I’ve been super productive today at work. I should have gone home already, but I’ll stay one more hour. I had a dirty conversation with Elo who is at home sick. I don’t know who the bigger pervert is. Things continue to go smoothly with my children’s book. I need to get back to work on my film script, “The Method.” I don’t know why I’m shying away from it. I’m thinking of renaming the main character to give the script new life. From Marina to Romina. Maybe it doesn’t seem like a big change, but for me it’s huge.

Monday, September 19, 2011


For the first time in many days, I was able to make time to do some reading. I’m thoroughly enjoying this book, “Exquisite Corpse” by Poppy Z. Brite. I felt a little sleepy during the day today; I’m hoping that it’s not the new medication. I’ve been looking in to taking a trip. It’s so fun to plan vacations, the problem is that I never get around to taking them. Not much would make my doctors happier. They think I work too much on too many different things. France is the front runner right now. I’ve never been to Paris.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Aftermath of yesterday. Things blew up but will calm down eventually. Happily, I woke up with my current script on my mind. It’s reassuring to think that my new meds won’t prevent me from writing. Now I just got to get past the depression. I dreamed of my first crush. She was so mean to me. But I guess that’s how she was in real life too. I’m thinking of a new writing project, something novel length, but not a novel. It’s about a character I’ve been working on somewhat unwittingly for some time. Right now, I’ve named him Miles.

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic. Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic. Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic. Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic. Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic.

Friday, September 16, 2011


Yes, this medication seems to give me small headaches, but oh well, it’s not making me sleepy. If anything it’s making me fidget. It’s nice to have energy again. I spoke to my best friend today. I’m so happy for her. She’s found someone good. I hope he is everything he seems to be and not much more. I’m listening to Tales of Innocence by Christian Death right now. I always wanted to hear this song at a club but never did. Maybe I’ll go to a club this weekend. I don’t know. I’m feeling pretty self-conscious and over weight.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


I don’t notice anything wrong with my new medication other than as slight headache, which could be coincidental. I got my MacBook back today; that was a relief. On the drive to the Apple Store, I became saddened about my Forever Candy script. I really want something to happen with that script, but it feels permanently shelved. Maybe this new medication won’t get in the way of me being productive. Maybe that’s wishful thinking. Jessica may have found someone who might be able to score my six little goth films. It would be a relief to work with one person.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


I took the day off work today. I had too many appointments. Orthodontist, dentist, psychologist, psychiatrist. I continue to feel generally sleepy, unmotivated, and not in the mood to write. I’m thinking it’s the aripiprazole I’ve been taking. My psychiatrist decided to try something new: lurasidone. It’s only been on the market for a few months, and I’ll be his first patient taking it. First dose is tomorrow. I’m worn out of these atypical antipsychotics. I take them because my doctor asks me to. I think I’m fine without them, but we differ in our perceptions of what fine means.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I forgot to take my meds. I don’t know what impact it’s had, if any. I feel down, but I’ve been feeling down, so that’s nothing new. I feel a little paranoid. I feel like I’m staring at people excessively. I feel inside my head more than usual. I was thinking about how different my life would be had I not gone to UCSC. I likely wouldn’t have met some of the most important people in my life. It was a blessing that I felt out of place when I visited the Berkeley campus. Hoping for Palestinian statehood. Yay Turkey!

Monday, September 12, 2011


Kyrie and I celebrated her birthday today. We had vegan lunch and three vegan deserts. I gave her some strands of black pearls. I can’t seem to find the motivation to write. I’m looking forward to talking to my psychiatrist this Wednesday to let him know that. After all, it was he who put me back on this medication that has historically killed creativity, and is now making me sleepy. I wish there was something else that we haven’t tried, that he’s willing to let me try, that I’m willing to try. But I don’t think there is anything left.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


I didn’t do a whole lot. I was depressed. Kyrie and I went out for breakfast, and then I came home and slept, then read for a bit, then slept more. Routine depression and one medication continues to make me sleepy. Later I had sushi that gave me a stomach ache. I don’t know how much of my depression is related to today being the tenth anniversary of September 11. The memory of that day still haunts me. The thought of people having to jump from those heights has stayed with me all these years. I’m going back to sleep.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


I’m hoping the Apple store will call me today to tell me that they fixed the power supply on my MacBook. It died on me yesterday right when I was adding sound tracks to a film. I’m guessing I lost all of my work. Oh well. I’ll just do it over. I’m excited about my children’s book. It seems to be coming together so well. I’m lucky to work with such talented people. It’s Saturday, and I’m actually in the office trying to get caught up on stuff. I’m hoping to go see the film One Day with Kyrie tonight.

Friday, September 09, 2011


I was disappointed this morning. One of the emails I received was related to the scoring for my first film. I am still in search of someone to score it. I had a sex dream last night with my ex, Lisa. It was strange. We were having sex and underneath us were photographs of scenes of our past together when we were unhappy. As I write this, I realize it sounds like a scene in Filming Tara Raikatuji. In that sense, it sounds like a scene out of childhood. I feel sleepy. This medication helps me and doesn’t help me.

Thursday, September 08, 2011


I steered a boat today in Newport Harbor. We had a staff retreat. We also exercised at the Anteater Recreation Center and did a cooking class. It all made for a long day. I thought I would come home to three email responses that I was thinking about all day, but none of the three people replied. Today, I wished I could have a smart phone again, but I know the reduced stress of not having one has been good. My psychiatrist sounded annoyed in his voicemail. This is the second day he failed to get a hold of me.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011


One of the medications I take is causing a common side effect: sleepiness. My dosage was recently increased and, ever since, I’ve been falling asleep during the day. Of course my psychiatrist phoned me back while I was running a blender making strawberry-cherry smoothies. I didn’t hear the phone. I bought a Groupon today to go ocean kayaking in San Diego. I turned down the opportunity for moonlit kayaking a couple months ago in Orange County, but the thought of sea caves in La Jolla was too appealing to blow off. We’re going as a group to celebrate Lauren’s birthday.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011


I saw a guy texting while making a U-turn today. That was a first for me. Someone who I always thought disliked me added me as a friend on a social network today. It’s so strange to be writing back and forth because I’ve always found this person intimidating; quiet people often are. Loudmouths give you so much material to evaluate and then not be afraid of, but the quiet ones are so much more difficult to read. I’m uploading what I hope is the final copy of The Vow so it can be evaluated by a band for scoring.

Monday, September 05, 2011


It’s minutes until midnight and I woke up remembering that I forgot to post my hundred words for the day. I had two dreams that included Bert and Ernie, although in my dreams they were called Ernie and Bert. The second one ended with Mila asking me, “What, were you introduced to Ernie and Bert through the mail?” To which I replied, “I don’t know. Probably.” I have no idea what that means. It’s insignificant, but like I said, it’s minutes until midnight, and I have yet to post my hundred words. I edited film for hours today as well.

Sunday, September 04, 2011


Technically, it’s already tomorrow. I was out all day and didn’t get home until late. A group of us went to the Natural History Museum to see the new dinosaur exhibit and then to Café Gratitude for dinner. We were celebrating Kyrie’s and Cynthia’s birthdays. The restaurant had a very obnoxious way of singing happy birthday to them both. Kyrie couldn’t decide on a dessert so she got two, which made a third dessert arrive at our table with a candle. Another patron, while exiting, wished me a happy birthday as the third dessert was placed in front of me.

Saturday, September 03, 2011


I spent four and a half hours today editing three minutes of footage from The Fiancés. I’ve been trying to keep myself from lying in bed being depressed. I played two games of chess this morning and lost them both. Kyrie and I went to a gym to inquire about membership, but of course we didn’t work out a bit. We might go see a movie later tonight if I’m not too tired. Someone contacted me about possibly doing the layout for my children’s book. I hope that works out. I’m going to go read more of Exquisite Corpse now.

Friday, September 02, 2011


I forced myself to go to work this morning, but I only stayed for six hours before leaving. I ran some errands afterwards and then went out to eat. I’ve been texting a lot with people lately. I had my first hour plus phone conversation in months. I’m trying to be social to break this depression, but tonight, I just want to read. I’m having a hard time with the formatting of my children’s book. I need to start thinking about which script to film next. When a cricket chirps singularly it can sound like a kiss in the dark.

Thursday, September 01, 2011


I spent the day in bed. I wonder if this headache is from sleeping too many hours. Yesterday, I told my therapist that the only thing I look forward to now is reading. And yet today, I couldn’t get myself to pick up a book. Even while typing this, I want to go back to sleep. I have to do something to get myself out of this. My therapist thinks exercise will do the trick. I was thinking of doing a new cut of The Fiancés. Maybe a new tattoo. It’ll be dark soon. Then I’m supposed to be asleep.