Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Bad

My session with my psychologist was difficult today. I even asked to stop before the hour was up. I haven’t cried for a while. We spent most of the time talking about Steve and why I’m grieving so long after his death. My psychologist asked what I would say to him if he were here right now. She seemed surprised that I would apologize for being a bad friend. There was more, but that was first and foremost. I should have stayed for the duration of the session. I haven’t done much but lie in bed since I got home.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Identity

I’m falling into another depression. A tell tale sign is the amount of time I spend in bed. I’m even writing this entry from bed. I’ve been oversleeping and overeating. I’m going to be coming out with a book soon, and so I’ve been reading this book that talks about marketing yourself as an author. From what I read, I feel like I should create a separate website for my literary endeavors and maybe even take a pen name. But why should I maintain a separate identity just to project a different image? It’s like apologizing for who I am.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Cocaine

A few months ago, I had my first caffeine since August 2004. I decided to start drinking coffee again in order to try and meet a deadline for my “Forever Candy” script. (I didn’t even make the deadline.) About a month ago, I was in West Hollywood having vegan pizza with friends and had my first soda. It was so yummy. I just took a sip of my first energy drink. It doesn’t taste very good, but it came in a black can. How goth. I feel like I’m on a slippery slope. Is cocaine or meth on the horizon?

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Drastic

I had a morning meeting in West Hollywood for my “Forever Candy” script. It went as I expected, which wasn’t very good. It needs a lot of work, and might be better as a stage play. I’ll sit on it for a while until I sort it out. I’m still plugging away at my current script “The Method.” After talking to one of my fellow writers, I decided to outline the script again before writing any more dialogue. I’m changing colors of my note cards. It seems like a small thing, but it gives me the illusion of drastic change.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Stalemated

I wrote one whole page of script today. Big whoop. It was the first page though, and I think it came out okay. I ate too much bad food today. I feel so fat. I’ve been listening to Iron and Wine all day long. Usually, I can’t read while listening to music with lyrics, but I can with this band. I lost my first chess game with Paul and stalemated the second. I’ve been napping more frequently lately. It feels good, but I really hate sleeping my days away. If I exercised, I would sleep more regularly. But I don’t.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Detest

Kyrie and I saw the film “Le Herisson” tonight. It was okay, a little unfocused at times. I’m hoping to write the first act of my new script within the next few days. I’ve outlined it enough times that I’m hoping it won’t be a problem. I became angry with someone today. I detest feeling angry, especially when I can’t just shake it off. The magazines I subscribe to are piling up. I should go to coffee this weekend and get caught up. It was hot today. I worked on a WIKI all day at work. It wore me out.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Fourteen

The pill my doctor had me take ended up making me sleep for fourteen hours. Needless to say, I was late for work. I still got a lot done though, but I had to leave early because my sister called and told me that my mother slipped in a grocery store and hit her head. Oddly enough, during those fourteen hours, I dreamed that that particular grocery store was in the process of changing its name. The sign outside was rebranded, but all the signs inside still belonged to the old store. I won’t be taking that pill again tonight.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Cat

Before I entered his office, I told my psychiatrist that there was a cat in his waiting room. He went out to look; I had to yell to him that it wasn’t really there. I think that gave him new perspective, but I could just be flattering myself. He’s already pretty bright. My meds were increased slightly. He wants me to start working on dealing with Steve’s death. Prolonged bereavement, he suggested. Apparently, it’s not normal to grieve for a year. I made pesto this afternoon. It needed a little more garlic, but was still good over those spirally noodles.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Pepper

I took a Klonopin for the second day in a row. That’s a lot for me. Usually my month long prescription will last me an entire year. I’m related to evangelicals. Enough said. I saw a chili pepper on the ground while crossing a bridge. It appeared so happily red against the concrete. I loved its image so much that I pretend it’s still there, even though I actually believe some moron picked up and chucked it off the bridge. My hours at work flew by. I got a lot done, but still didn’t finish as much as I wanted.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Second

I fulfilled the second of two promises I made to my psychologist. Technically, I had until the 31st, but I’m not much of a procrastinator. The first was to attend that meeting on Saturday. The second was to email my ex-girlfriend. I hope she’ll reply. I don’t feel like doing UCI work today. My current project is tedious. I’d much rather work on another outline of the second act of my script. I redirected the SadPlaneteer.com domain to our Facebook page. I’m hoping this will encourage Rachel and me to be more active and inspire more discussion amongst our readers.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cinematic

Worked a lot on my current script today. Hit a fork in the road while outlining the second act. It largely depends on how I decide this character will kill people. One direction is cinematic; the other is more plausible. I know I should choose cinematic. I lost both games of chess with Paul this morning. The first game, I don’t know what happened; suddenly, it was just over. The second, I thought I had a chance, but I blew it pretty effectively. Still the weekly games are good for my psyche. They help me relax more than anything else.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Group

I attended a group therapy session my psychologist has been encouraging me to go to for a few weeks. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t know anyone while most everyone else did. I’m sure it will improve with subsequent sessions, if I go again. I have a lot in common with others, which was a real eye opener. When I got home, I outlined the first act of my new script, currently titled “The Method.” I have this big bulletin board with a bunch of index cards pinned to it to keep the plot straight. I need two more bulletin boards.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Misfiring

This morning I saw a pattern of water drops on the shower floor that made me think of my friend Steve Gaudette. There’s no sensible association, probably just a misfiring in my brain. Steve died eleven months ago and I still haven’t accepted it. I know he’s dead. Despite that knowledge, my world doesn’t feel like it. I’m over working again. I should take some time to rest this weekend, but as always there are so many things I want to get done.  I like the days I wear stompy boots to work. Just doing that makes me feel better.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Cagney

I woke from a dream where the personalities of people I know were placed in the bodies of others I know. I got a new computer at work. I changed my desktop picture to one of James Cagney and the Dead End Kids from the film, Angels with Dirty Faces. I felt like going out to lunch, but I ate too many sunflower seeds and lost my appetite. After work, I’ll outline my new script for the third time. I’m trying something new—laying everything out solidly before actually beginning to write. Ordinarily, I just let my characters run rampant.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Reinvented

Today, I reinvented my blog. My original blog that I began in 2003 began on Blogger, moved to MySpace, back to Blogger, and then to Wordpress. Those 1,500 or so posts hanging around cyberspace began to feel heavy, and so I retired it. But loving to blog, I had to start again. I’m going to writer lighter. 100 words exactly per day, with a one word title taken from within the text of the post. It feels like a big commitment, but I hope I can do it. I hope the regularity gives me something great to look back on.