Saturday, December 31, 2011


This year ends in a few hours. 2011 was a pretty good year for me, except in the writing department. I had a serious writer’s block, followed by depression when “Forever Candy” didn’t turn out to be the stellar script I had hoped for. I’m hoping next year I will complete something with greater success. I don’t know what I’m doing tonight. I was invited to a few things, but I don’t know. I’m hoping 2011 will be remembered positively for the #Occupy movement. Personally, this year will be remembered for family fighting, Lurasidone, and being introduced to Jersey Shore.

Friday, December 30, 2011


I didn’t write enough today. I may be getting sick again. I went to the gym in the morning, and my trainer saw I wasn’t feeling so great and let me off easy. He calls me “Big Rob” which I don’t like, and says his goal is to be able to call me “Medium Rob.” I went to Berkeley Dogs with my family in the afternoon. I was thinking someone would order one of their exotic meats like rattlesnake or alligator, but they all chickened out. I fell asleep while talking to a friend about her experiences with uncircumcised penises.

Thursday, December 29, 2011


My personal trainer beat the hell out of me. I had it coming. I missed nearly a month of training due to illness and then laziness. I had an awful sandwich afterwards, and then was so worn out that I had to nap. In the evening, Kyrie and I drove up to LA. She visited Cynthia, I went to see Elo and have dinner with Sarah. We met up with Kyrie, Cynthia, and Lulu, and Lulu gave me a Christmas gift against my wishes, but it was thoughtful of her. It was a Detroit Tigers necklace: a D for deadponies.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Most of my day was spent inside movie theaters. Kyrie and I saw three films. I was disappointed with all of them. Young Adult lacked character development and was boring to look at, but did have a thought provoking speech near the film’s end. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy was too convoluted for me to follow with any great interest. I would never make a good spy; there would be too many people to have to know. War Horse was the last film we saw, and it was irritatingly episodic and had a melodramatic ending reminiscent of Gone With the Wind.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


I don’t have much to report today. I went to the gym with Kyrie; I had a good workout. After a shower and lunch, I went to coffee to write. I was hoping to reach page thirty, but I only got as far as sixteen. For some reason the sequence of scenes in this script is relatively loose, that is, they can be shuffled fairly easily. I don’t believe that is a good thing because it means the next action isn’t contingent on the action that directly preceded it. I didn’t win the big lottery jackpot; but I won $139.

Monday, December 26, 2011


I’m worn. Tonight I went to a post-Christmas party that included Haiku writing and a white elephant gift of an adult dvd titled simply as “Asslickers.” In the morning, I went to the gym and then spent most of my day at coffee writing. I would have gotten more written had these imbeciles not been sitting within earshot. I deduced that each of these three morons believe in the possibility and certainty of a zombie apocalypse. My favorite overheard sentence was this one: “Zombies have residual memory. They’re going to go to the places they were familiar with, like Walmart.”

Sunday, December 25, 2011


Christmas. Kyrie and I exchanged gifts earlier than I expected. Generally, Kyrie prefers to sleep in when she can, but I guess that doesn’t apply to Christmas. Among the gifts I received: the new Dennis Cooper book, a film I’ve been too cheap to buy for myself (The Battle of Algiers), and an I heart JWOWW shirt. I can’t wait to wear it to a club. The gift I got my niece ended up being lame. I ate too much throughout the day and consequently, I feel bloated. I feel more inclined than ever to go back to the gym.

Saturday, December 24, 2011


I drove two hundred and thirty miles today delivering Christmas gifts to friends. Unfortunately, I returned with three still in my backseat. I’ll have to make arrangements for them later. It was nice getting to see so many faces all in the same day. Some opened their gifts in front of me, while others did not. I don’t mind either way. Later I had dinner at Doomie’s and then headed back to Orange County for some family stuff. Now, I’m finally home in bed with my laptop. It’s been a day without emails and Facebook; I should do it again.

Friday, December 23, 2011


It was a good first day off. I ran errands before having lunch with Todd, who’s in town for the holidays. After Kyrie got off work we drove up to NoHo to give Cynthia her Christmas presents from Kyrie. What I ordered for Cynthia is still in transit from Israel. Josh (Cynthia’s housemate) and I had a good laugh talking about urinals and jerk off video arcade booths. Kyrie and Cynthia occupied themselves with a plethora of tiny food erasers from Japan. The four of us then went to Toi to see Jessica. We had four orders of vegan eggrolls.

Thursday, December 22, 2011


Today is my last work day of 2011. The campus will be closed as of tomorrow until the New Year. I plan to spend the days off writing my new script, reading books, seeing films, and visiting friends. I’m also hoping to get back to the gym. Ever since I was sick, I’ve been lazy and avoiding it. I already feel fatter and I’m not having those amazing boners anymore. I am having fun writing my new script though. My psychologist this week could tell I was happy with what I’m writing. The story seems to develop on its own.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I haven’t donated to the Lustgarten Foundation since the days immediately following your memorial. I continue to receive emails and snail mail from them. I don’t unsubscribe from their mailings because they make me think of you, and at your memorial your brother asked that we think of you from time to time, to remember you and honor your memory. I think of you sometimes on my own, but these mailings ensure it happens regularly. I’ve thought of other dead friends these past couple days. I saw a look-alike on the freeway yesterday. I see my shrink in two hours.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Today I read an article that suggested the possibility that Brittany Murphy may have died from mold in her home. That upset me. The media made her seem like a pill junkie, and now it might turn out to have been something that wasn’t her fault. I left work around 3:15 p.m. today; Kyrie didn’t have to work so we drove all the way out to Rancho Cucamonga to a vegan grocery store she found online. I ate vegan beef jerky on the way home. We just had vegan nachos for dinner. We also bought a vegan ham for Christmas.

Monday, December 19, 2011


I ate three bagels today. I haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks. I’m feeling shitty about myself physically. Mentally, I feel pretty good. I’m not happy or anything silly like that, but I’m writing well and enjoying all the reading time I’ve been giving myself. My current script has become fun to write, but still has too many options and I don’t know in which direction to take it. I want to do everything. I think I like writing this script because there are shrink sessions in it. But like everyone says, write what you know.

Sunday, December 18, 2011


Paul beat me in three games of chess this morning, and requested I include his victory trifecta in my blog. So there you go, Paul. After my final defeat, I stayed at coffee and wrote more of my untitled script. I made progress on the scene I struggled with yesterday. I’m hoping to spend the remainder of my day reading. I’m longing to get out of town. Elo told me her move to Seattle is likely to happen next year. The older I get, the more I feel I can leave California without missing it. I’d miss many people though.

Saturday, December 17, 2011


I think I have an ear infection. I’m trying to rest before going to LA tonight for my friend Rachel’s Extreme Futurist Festival, but I don’t know if I’m feeling up to it. I wrapped the remaining gifts that arrived, including three for Kyrie, since she’s at work. Right now I’m writing my vampire screenplay with Buffalo ’66 playing in the background. I made another major change to the plot and am hoping it will raise the stakes. Disco texted me the sweetest thank you for her birthday gift. She opened it four days early and is already wearing it.

Friday, December 16, 2011


I’ve been sad today. I’ve been missing my dead friends and feeling like I’ve aged too much to have accomplished so little. I left work an hour early because Farishta texted me. I didn’t get to see her on her birthday, so we went out to dinner. We sat talking for a long time after we ate. She always makes me laugh. I think the waitress was eavesdropping on us, and might have been interested in her, but she isn’t lipstick enough for her. We’ve both been feeling the desire to leave California. She’s considering both Washingtons; I’m considering one.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


Okay, highlight of the day: I heard Rachel Torrey’s voice. We met online back in the MySpace days, but have never met in person nor spoken by phone. Today, I tried phoning her in an urgent attempt to get her to check her text messages, but hung up. She called back and left a voicemail. I’d heard her voice once before on a web interview related to an exhibit she was curating, but today sounded different than I remember. I like it. I think I’ll go listen to it again. Weird, she just called again and sung me a song.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I’m done with all my Christmas shopping. Now I just have a bunch of stuff to wrap, deliver, or mail. My friend Marie told me she would be the wrong person for me because I needed someone who reads a lot and is an intellectual whereas she likes Lil Wayne and dogs in sweaters. Today she didn’t have a change of heart, but she did have a change of opinion of me when she saw my Amazon wishlist and the Jersey Shore items I had on it. I’ve been taking lunches during the workday recently. It makes the day nicer.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


My Christmas shopping is nearly done. I only have one more gift to order. I’ve been lucky this year. I’ve gotten a few more of my friends to create Amazon wishlists, so that makes it easy to pick things out. I’m looking forward to the campus closure at the end of this month. Nothing sounds better than spending a few days catching up on a ton of reading. I know it won’t really be like that though. I already have a pretty full calendar through the end of the year. But oh well, I will get to see many friends.

Monday, December 12, 2011


I confessed a fear regarding my writing to M___ today. It felt strange to confide in her again after all these years. I don’t know if she realized the importance to me, but I guess there isn’t a consequence either way. It wasn’t a good day at work. It was raining out, and so I would have preferred to be outdoors or at coffee or at the movies. After work, Kyrie and I went out to dinner and then someplace else for dessert and Spanish hot chocolate. I chatted with Iballa this evening; that was unexpected but a nice surprise.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


I actually beat Paul in our first game of chess. Our second game I should have lost, but was able to pull off a stale mate. Danny, the young boy who now plays with us must have been practicing. He got a stale mate against Paul too, and checkmated me outright. Since then, I’ve basically been listening to Hope Sandoval sing while writing scenes for my new script. I’ve decided to listen to her exclusively while writing the entire film just to set the right mood. I put her photo on my desktop. I’ve even taken to writing to candlelight.

Saturday, December 10, 2011


I had a good morning; Sarah called and she was happy. I could tell before she finished her first sentence. I’m happy she decided to go out last night. I saw two films today: The Artist and My Week with Marilyn. I thought the first was especially pretty to look at. I wrote today which was important because I’ve been slipping again into becoming afraid to write in script format. I only have eight pages so far and no title. I’m having headaches. I received a message from M___ on my way out tonight. I wish I could hold her.

Friday, December 09, 2011


I worked a long day today, but got a lot done. It’s strange to go into work when it is still dark out and to leave when it is again dark. This must be what farmers feel like. I also am nearly done with my Christmas shopping for this year. I spoke to Sarah for a long time; I’m hoping we are friends for a long time. I told her that in the next life, which unfortunately I don’t believe in, I’m hoping that I will be a sea anemone and she a clown fish. Yeah, that’s what I want.

Thursday, December 08, 2011


Pills. This morning I had a soy latte, a coke, and a Ritalin. I was so jittery that I was relieved when it was finally lunch. Throughout the day, I had an upsetting email exchange with one of my sisters. By the time it ended, I took a Klonopin and after about twenty-five minutes, I took another. Even as I write this, I want a third. I am upset today, and I don’t like it. Disco and I have been talking a lot, that has been comforting; she’s good to me. The Christmas gifts I’ve ordered are beginning to arrive.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011


My primary care physician asked my sexual orientation today. I asked the relevance. I thought his explanation was flimsy. It’s time to fire him. His waiting room is really ugly anyway. Later, I bitched to my shrink about my family for the entire session. I don’t know if I should be offended that she seemed to take such interest in one of my family members. But I guess after six years, she must be tired of me. Tonight, I have to go to the first of three Christmas parties for my job. I’m 47% done with this year’s Christmas shopping.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011


I’m still not well. I went to work briefly today, completed the things I needed to get done, and went back home to rest. Power was scheduled to be out for hours, meaning I couldn’t even watch Jersey Shore. Sammi is acting a fool again, thinking Ronnie has changed overnight. Anyway, I had to go back out. I forgot I needed a white elephant gift for our office party tomorrow. I had a long phone conversation with Jessica today; I had a longer one with Elo last night. Something upsetting is making its rounds amongst my friends. Power’s back on.

Monday, December 05, 2011


I miss my friend Steve Gaudette. I want to hear him say some crude joke and watch him laugh. I want to go to lunch. I so detest the thought of him dead. All gone, and all eaten up underground. I thought of him while sitting on the toilet. He would find that funny. Once I walked out of our office bathroom and he commented that I was wearing eau de shitter spray. It feels unfair, but there is no such thing as fair. The universe is random and I’m still in it and I detest that he is not.

Sunday, December 04, 2011


I’m still ill, but nearing the end of it. I feel like I wasted my entire weekend, but it’s better now than during the week. I cooked for myself today, so that was something. But other than that, all I’ve done is watch more Jersey Shore. I’ve been running these words through my mind; it was something said by a friend whose opinion I hold in high regard, about one of my other friends. The assessment was fair; I’ve felt similarly. But it shows me that it’s noticeable when I turn a blind eye when it comes to my friends.

Saturday, December 03, 2011


I spent nearly the entire day in bed. I’m still sick. The only time I left bed and the Jersey Shore, was to eat, go to the bathroom, buy more medicine, and pick Kyrie up from work. I was also able to do some of my Christmas shopping from bed. Laptops are so convenient. I don’t feel like I’m putting on weight during this illness, so that is at least a relief. I should have read more today. I should have written more than that tiny scene I worked on. I still don’t have a title for this new script.

Friday, December 02, 2011


I’m still ill, but I went into the office to get some things written that need to be made public on Monday. It’s amazing how tiresome sitting at a desk can be when you’re not feeling well. Just staring at a computer screen can be exhausting. I left early and went home to rest. I feel bad for Kyrie; she doesn’t have the same flexibility as I do to leave work when she’s sick, but fortunately her employer sent her home to rest. I didn’t know she was coming home early so she caught me in bed watching Jersey Shore.

Thursday, December 01, 2011


I’m more ill than yesterday. I didn’t go to work in the morning, but emailed my boss stating I would come by to get some papers from my desk to bring home so I could meet my Monday deadline. I got a message from him telling me to take the whole day off. It seems our building was evacuated because of some sort of threat. Fuckstick Terry Jones announced he was going to speak on campus, I imagine because of the Muslim Student Union’s prominence there. Kyrie took care of me and we watched many episodes of the Twilight Zone.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I’m not feeling well. I arrived to work late. I left early to see my psychiatrist. The waiting room was crowded, our talk brief. My meds stayed the same. He mentioned taking me off the one he knows I don’t like in January, but later in the conversation he used the phrase “in a few months.” People either lie or are sloppy with their language or both. I saw my personal trainer too. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling well, but he kicked my ass anyway. I called him a fucker, which surprised him at first, but made him laugh later.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


The shower I took after the gym was especially satisfying. I hadn’t been to the gym in six days and it took a lot of effort to get myself to go today. As usual, I’m glad I did. Recent days have been interesting. I’ve gotten closer to a few of my close friends. I’ve been waking before 4 a.m. again and going to work. It’s led to longer workdays but I’m getting a lot done. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it. I’m annoyed with him. I don’t want to see my trainer tomorrow either.

Monday, November 28, 2011


I didn’t go to the gym during the four day weekend, and I don’t think I’ll be able to go today either, because I’m working late. When I look in the mirror I feel like I put back on all the weight that I lost, even though it wasn’t much to begin with. I guess I’m feeling unhealthy after going so regularly. Well, at least the reason I didn’t go over the weekend was because I was writing. I need to learn how to balance both my writing and my health, but it’s been that way for a long while.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


I lost in chess twice against Paul. The boy who asked to play chess with us last weekend showed up again today. His mother said he’d been looking forward to it all week. It took me an hour and twenty minutes to drive from Irvine to Los Feliz. I was nearly late for my lunch with Vera. I’m glad I got to see her. We chat online, but it’s been years in person. Though it seems we both prefer for the other to talk, I think we covered a great deal. She’s considering not being a writer anymore. boo hoo.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I wrote more today. I didn’t get as far as I would have liked, but the pages I do have are pretty clean. I talked to Jessica today. She’s going through a lot; cycles can really suck. I met Kyrie on her lunch break and brought her these spinach buns she likes from Wheel of Life. After that, I went back home to write, but my phone rang soon after, and I answered because it was Sarah. We spoke for over three hours. I’m happy she finally began to laugh. We both did, especially when talking shit on our shrinks.

Friday, November 25, 2011


I wrote a lot today. I also discarded a lot of what I wrote. Still, it felt good to be writing in script format again without having an anxiety attack. For the duration of the day, I didn’t do much more than that besides masturbate, which I often must do before I start writing. If I don’t, I get too distracted. In the evening Kyrie and I went to see “Martha Marcy May Marlene.” Good performances, but too many flashbacks for my liking. After that we saw the documentary “Into the Abyss.” I liked both films more than Kyrie did.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Thanksgiving—my favorite holiday of the year. Kyrie and I drove up to Hollywood to pick up vegan Thanksgiving dinners at Doomie’s, a restaurant owned by a friend of ours. We brought it back to Orange County so we could eat with my family who eats real meat. All that driving meant we missed a lot of the Twilight Zone marathon, but we later discovered that every episode is available on Netflix streaming. I heard from Larysa today, which was a nice surprise. After dinner, we intended to go see the film “Into the Abyss” but we were too sleepy.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I finally got to see my psychologist today. We talked for a long time about the thing that had been bothering me and all the people involved that ultimately left me secretly hurt. I don’t think we made much progress. I’m going to have to talk about it more in my next session. My personal trainer was so hard on me today. I thought I was getting in shape, but he changed things on me and now everything is hard again. Kyrie and I saw “The Descendents” tonight. I enjoyed many of the characters but the film was pretty slow.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Tonight I peed in a restroom that had deer head trophies above the urinals. Weird. Todd is in town for the holiday weekend, so Kyrie and I were able to meet up with him and other friends at a bar. That’s where the hunter’s pee station was. I had a hard time waking this morning, I don’t know why. I doubt it’s depression, and I’m hoping it’s not laziness. I’m thinking of shutting down the meagothy site. Our viewership is down, and I no longer have anyone helping me. Not running it would create more time for writing and film.

Monday, November 21, 2011


This is the third day in a row I’ve written and grown more excited about my new script. At work work, I worked for ten hours, but I finished two little projects. I had to force myself to go to the gym tonight, and as usual, I felt great afterward. Two of the trainers told me they could tell I’ve lost weight. Only six pounds, but oh well. Final Jeopardy tonight was too easy. The book I requested from another library arrived today. It’s interesting. It’s called The Private Worlds of Dying Children.” It was a dissertation written in 1978.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


I actually won two games of chess this morning. The first was against an eight year old who asked to play while I waiting for Paul to arrive. The boy is in third grade and in the chess club at his school. Paul played him after. He may come again next Sunday. I took a long nap, as I was still tired from the night before. This evening I saw “Like Crazy.” It was brilliant, and definitely my favorite film I’ve seen all year. After the film, Kyrie and I went out for vegan pizza. I ate five pieces. Guilty.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


My page count isn’t substantial with my new script, but I am enjoying the writing of it. I changed the sex of one of the main characters. It’s transformed from being about a woman and a man, to a woman and a boy, and now to a woman and a girl. I went to the gym in the morning; at night Kyrie and I headed up to Hollywood to have dinner at Toi and see Jessica. Afterwards we went to Silverlake in search of Rachel Haywire’s party, but it was already 2 a.m. and it must have been shut down.

Friday, November 18, 2011


At least this is the productive kind of depression. The upset-for-a-reason kind of depression. The kind that the pills won’t help, but also won’t keep me in bed. I typically write more during this kind of sadness. So yay and boo hoo. I hope it ends, but I also hope it lasts long enough for me to finish writing something pretty. DaniellE has been asking me questions about my psychosis. She’s a therapist now. It’s odd feeling more naked now in front of her than I ever did in college when we were together and I gave her my virginity.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


I’ve been feeling vulnerable to getting hurt lately. I nearly cried today. It was surprising and wonderful. It’s nice to feel stuff. This is the result of decreasing a med that keeps me emotionally numbed. I ate too much and didn’t get up from my desk enough. I need to see my shrink, but won’t until Wednesday. I have much to tell her. Amirah has been a good shoulder to whine on. I’m envious of people with the courage to stand in at the Occupy protests. I make many excuses of why I can’t go today or tomorrow. Hi, Sarah.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


I have three crushes at the gym. But better than seeing them is watching this other guy workout. He has Michael Landon hair, big headphones, wears short shorts, and a shirt that would be best described as a loincloth. The appeal isn’t actually him; it’s the uncomfortable looks on the faces of those around him. Between sets he prances about the gym. All the muscleheads grin at each other, asserting to all that they aren’t a closet prancer. No one says shit to him, either because he’s in better shape than nearly everyone else, or because he wouldn’t hear it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I made another significant change to my new script. The likeness to the novel version continues to vanish. I’m now doing research on children with terminal illnesses. Kyrie showed me yesterday that she’s trying to address some of the issues that hamper our relationship. I feel like a bad boyfriend. I’m too selfish. We had falafel pitas for lunch and tacos for dinner. It was nice eating together more than once on a weekday. I had to drag myself to the gym, but left feeling glad that I did. I talked to Sarah; she isn’t fond of my new script.

Monday, November 14, 2011


Lauren unintentionally hurt me today, and it was delicious. I'm still reveling in it. It's pleasurable to feel something sharp enough to get through the meds. I made a major change in my new script while walking to lunch. It's a big deviation from the novel version of the story. I’m excited to write this, but I know the early days of an idea are always like this for me. Wait until the days of revisions arrive and I’ll be posting with less enthusiasm. I’m supposed to go to the gym tonight, but don’t feel like it. Maybe. Maybe not.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


I lost both games of chess this morning. I should’ve won the second, but I’m a moron. Kyrie and I went to yoga for the first time today. It was so difficult. My clothing was soaked. Kyrie hung in there better than I. I dread going back. I claimed a new secret place to write. While there, I shelved my current script “The Method.” I kicked other ideas around, but decided to move forward with something I originally intended for a novel. I’m more energetic about it and need all the help I can get to write anything these days.

Saturday, November 12, 2011


I heard something today I wish I didn’t hear. I can’t believe the person telling me wouldn’t think it would hurt to have knowledge of, but I guess that’s just how self-centered people can be. Regardless, I hid the pain pretty well. There are others around me who would have interest in knowing this, but I’ll spare them, because I think they would be hurt too. Who knows? Maybe they’ve been sparing me from it. Sarah is behaving strangely today. I find that puzzling. Kyrie and I had dinner at FreeSoulCaffe. It was delish, but we spent way too much.

Friday, November 11, 2011


It’s Veteran’s Day today. My veteran friends are dead. In the morning, I went to coffee and read while waiting for Farishta. I was happy to see her. We saw “Immortals.” It was terrible, but she liked it. I took a pre-club nap when I got home. I went to Das Bunker with Kyrie and Jessica, but we didn’t arrive until after one a.m. I saw many people I hadn’t seen in a while, and Rachael even showed up. Jessica found a potential person to score The Fiancés. I danced a lot, this made possible by all that gym stuff.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Our office closed early in anticipation of the long weekend. I thought about going to a club tonight, but with the crap going on in my head about my relationship, I decided against it. I still made it to the gym to see my personal trainer though. He taught me more stuff and told me I was doing too much cardio. I didn’t know that was possible. Jessica and I talked on the phone for a good while, it was nice, but I feel bad for her. Sometimes I think she worries that she doesn’t know how to help me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


I wasn’t at work for very long today. I left early to see my psychologist and then optometrist. I left my psychologist early too. I didn’t feel like talking, and when we did it was mostly about family stuff, which was mostly complaining. My glasses prescription hasn’t changed for maybe a decade. I still only need glasses to read and be on the computer. I’m frustrated with Kyrie today and she knows it. I went to the gym just to do cardio. It’s weird. The thing I hated most in the beginning is the thing I look forward to now.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011


I wrote today. Not well, but I did it. I worked on finishing the outline to my first act, before actually writing script text. I’ve been spending too much time on the opening dialogue. It’s not very good, and hacking away at it for an hour hasn’t made it any better. I need to move on and come back to it. I should be worrying about my plot points right now more than anything else. Kyrie isn’t feeling well. She’s been in bed watching some RuPaul drag queen show. I forget the title. I just know she says, “Sashay away.”

Monday, November 07, 2011


I was irritable today. I have reasons, but I don’t really feel like putting them out there. The good thing is that I went to the gym in order to elevate my mood, and it worked to some degree. I talked to Sarah today. I like that our conversations are becoming regular again. She’s shiny. We’re talking right now as I type this. I threw the pumpkins carved for Halloween in the green waste. When I pulled the lids off, I was shocked to see tons of mold and gnats living in the hollow cavities we carved out. Super gross.

Sunday, November 06, 2011


I slept in a little today after having a late night out. As we usually do on Sunday mornings, Paul and I played chess. It was a good game and I had him on the run, but of course I was destined to make a stupid move, and then another. I lost. Kyrie and I had lunch together, but the food was just so-so. Later, I met with Rachael in San Pedro for coffee. We walked around a bit afterward. There were barges and starfish and the air was cold. It was nice. She’s much different in person than online.

Saturday, November 05, 2011


Another birthday. The day was busy. My little sister got married, and then I went to Little Tokyo with many friends for vegan sushi. There were sixteen dishes on the menu I was interested in trying; I ordered them all. Some were great; some were not so good. I raised $186 dollars for ECPAT, by donating my birthday toward their cause. I’ve been thinking about a blog post Kyle sent me, and my conversation with Sarah at dinner; both gave me a new outlook for my writing. I hope it helps reinvigorate me. Getting older bothered me less this year.

Friday, November 04, 2011


I was inside a church for the first time in at least a decade. My sister’s wedding rehearsal. I don’t think my family realizes how uncomfortable it is to be an atheist inside of a church, especially an evangelical one. Evangelicals seem to care less about ornamentation, which makes it more difficult because you can’t just admire the stained glass or architecture while they do their thing. I must say though, religious people often look happy. That’s nice to see. It makes me sad knowing they don’t know there’s nothing after. Smoking opium in college felt good. It was bliss.

Thursday, November 03, 2011


Today, I was called a slut. I took it as a compliment. If only it were true; this blog would be juicier. I went to the gym after work. It felt good. I listened to a lot of noize and couldn’t help dancing between sets. My endurance has increased and apparently I’m getting stronger. I wrote some. Very little, but it was something. I got to talk to Lindsay this morning. That was nice. We don’t get to talk as much anymore as our schedules no longer coincide. She said she had five minutes, but we talked for nearly thirty.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011


Today started out okay. I woke early and went to work and got a lot done before anyone else arrived. Someone asked for my advice on finding a therapist. Glad to help but I don’t know how I feel about being the go to guy for basketcaseness. I sent a cheerful text to another friend only to learn she had delivered today but her baby did not survive. I don’t know how to help her other than being there to listen. My family had its own turmoil and I left work early. Canceled with my psychiatrist. Canceled with my trainer.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011


My birthday is Saturday. I donated it to ECPAT again. If you are interested in giving me something for my birthday, please visit my donation page. It’s for a very good cause. I finished reading “Exquisite Corpse” by Poppy Z. Brite. I need to read it again. There were shifts in the point of view that threw me off. I went to the gym, because I didn’t go on Monday like I was supposed to. I did more than ever and left feeling good. To top the day off, I got to talk to Disco at length in the evening.

Monday, October 31, 2011


I had a sex dream last night. On the drive into work, I saw a guy throw his golf club on the golf course I pass. I do not correlate the two events. Wellbutrin tablets seem to make it fine through a wash and dry, but my Prozac caplets end up empty and shriveled like raisins. I have to be careful with the Ritalin, it appears very similar to my Klonopins. They’re both yellow. On the way back from lunch we saw a big yellow school bus being lifted onto a flatbed tow truck. My burrito had lots of onions.

Sunday, October 30, 2011


I woke up late today and forgot about my chess game. We rescheduled. Kyrie and I went to have the pictures on the waterproof disposable camera we bought before kayaking last weekend developed. We came back after one hour and the person who was developing them went on lunch. We rescheduled the pickup. We went to Jay and Ian’s and carved pumpkins with everyone. I tried to make my jack-o-lantern wink this year, but it didn’t come out to good. The eyebrows were too thick like Dukakis’. I also ate too many pumpkin seeds. Kyrie made tacos for dinner. Yums.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


My tragus piercing fell out at the gym last night. Tonight I went and had a piercer replace it. To my surprise, Angie was working at the shop. It was nice to see her. What’s also been nice is that I’ve gotten to talk to Disco two days in a row. That’s uncommon. I wish we were related by blood. I worked on editing more of The Fiancés. I didn’t get as far as I wanted, but came close. At the gym, I skipped cardio. Too tired. I think my trainer is having me lift more than I can handle.

Friday, October 28, 2011


I like the sound I hear when I refill my prescriptions over the phone and the computer is computing. It sounds like bubbles popping in a cartoon bathtub. I heard from M___ for the first time in two months. That was nice. She’d been incommunicado for fear of hurting me. Silence is the heavier burden when compared to being hurt. Disco and I had plans to hang out tomorrow, but it was canceled—bummer. Kyle asked to collaborate on more films, where I would only need to provide the writing. That’s really exciting and what I’d like most for myself.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


I stayed home from work today. Depressed again. I opened my screenwriting program, and revised my current script a tiny bit. It wasn’t enough, but it was something. I’ve been disappointed in myself that I haven’t participated in any of the Occupy protests directly. I’ve blogged and tweeted for months about Wall Street and now that something has been actively going on, I haven’t stood up and done my part. Since cutting back on one of my meds, I have already heard, seen, and felt. To be honest, it feels good, but I expect it will lead to more meds.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I saw my psychologist today. We spent a lot of time talking about why I’ve become afraid to use my script writing program. It’s been two months since I’ve opened it. In the session, I concluded the reason for it is because “Forever Candy” started out feeling like such a great script. Someone even told me it was the best thing I’d ever written. But when I finished it, it was no longer received with the same enthusiasm, and even I knew it was no longer good. I really liked the character of Candy, which really made the disappointment hurt.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Today has been blah. I feel down. I’ve been dwelling on dying. I really detest dying. The new medication that makes me sleepy may be losing its effectiveness, and I’m due to cut my dosage by half. That will help me stay awake and Ritalin free, but once I tell my doctor about today, he’ll probably put the dose right back to where it was, and I’ll be stuck being a zombie all day again. I shouldn’t predict the future. That’s what my psychologist tells me. But people are often predictable, especially after you’ve known them for years. Hi l___.

Monday, October 24, 2011


A few weeks ago, we got new computers at work. Today, I finally was able to re-install a program to block my ability to go to certain websites, namely Facebook. I’m well aware that I find a lot of social media addicting. I’m already getting a lot more done. I didn’t eat often enough today. I started getting lightheaded at one point, but I didn’t eat for fear of spoiling my dinner with Kyrie. I left work so late yesterday, that I skipped the gym. Fail. I’m considering writing a novel. I find the task is both scary and exciting.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Paul and I had a really good chess game today, maybe our best one yet. I still lost, of course. I went to the gym and rode the stupid bike for five whole minutes longer than I had been. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but I felt pretty good about myself afterward. Came home and watched this History Channel while doing laundry. I just picked Kyrie up from work. We decided to go to Chipotle for dinner. It was terrible. I don’t know how people like it. I feel like crap now and it didn’t even taste good.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Kyrie and I woke up earlier than we planned and headed up to LA to pick up Jessica and Cy. We all had breakfast. I had a tofu omelet. Yums. Afterward, we drove down to La Jolla to meet up with Lauren and Tim. We all went sea kayaking. It was pretty interesting and a lot of fun, but I admit, I became a complainer before it was over. My legs hurt. After we got cleaned up, we all went to Ebisu to celebrate Lauren’s birthday, though a tad late. We had lots of sushi. I drove 346 miles altogether.

Friday, October 21, 2011


I didn’t take my nighttime medication last night. As a result, I wasn’t sleepy the next morning and woke up at 4 a.m. I went to work. We had a company BBQ. It was nice. After work, I went to the gym. I lifted and then rowed for half an hour. I like rowing, but half an hour of it can get boring. Anyhow, I’m glad I didn’t get off of the damn thing until it was over. I read some today. That was nice too. I need to go to sleep early tonight, because I have a long Saturday.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


It was cold out this evening. That’s really nice. Work was good. I finally got something off my desk that has been pending for over a month. Gaddafi was killed today. I know he was a tyrant, but I still felt sorry for him when I saw the video of his final moments. The look on his face made me sad. I’m too sentimental. I felt bad for Saddam Hussein too when he was hanged. I’m just against killing anyone. I didn’t eat enough calories today, but I wasn’t hungry. Only 1,313. I read a book out in the cold.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I did bumpers of Ritalin in order to stay awake today. I saw my psychiatrist in the afternoon. We went round and round discussing possibilities of changes to my prescriptions, but in the end we stayed on exactly the same medicinal regimen. I discovered another friend of mine, Casi, also watches Jersey Shore. I worked out with my trainer today. It went a lot better than our first session in that I didn’t feel the need to vomit. I was better hydrated this time. I must be returning to my usual self, because I feel like hitting the books tonight.


I went to the gym again at 4:30 a.m. I didn’t do so well. I just wasn’t into it. I only did thirty minutes of cardio. Even that sucked. I popped a Ritalin three times today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just cannot stay awake. Rachel Torrey and I had a very good conversation today. I took a long nap when I got home from work. When I woke, Kyrie and I ate the gyozas she made. In bed, I saw black lights and white lights beneath my eyelids. Maybe my brain will eventually overpower the Latuda.

Monday, October 17, 2011


Kyrie and I went to the gym at 4:30 a.m. We didn’t stay too long but it made me slightly late for work. I wish exercise were easier. It’s such a pain in the everywhere. I’ve been trying to eat better too. Even that’s easier than doing cardio. I got to talk to Marie tonight. That was nice. It’s been a while. She doesn’t call because she always thinks I’m too busy for her. That’s a shame. I enjoy talking to her. I created a new doc for my treatment; I titled it, but it’s still a blank white page.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


I woke thinking I should write a treatment of my current script. They don’t teach you to write them at UCLA; they use other techniques. I might try it anyway; it’s a baby step toward script format without actually using it. I’ve never written a treatment before. I think I had a slight panic attack and took a Klonopin. It helped. I went to my writer’s meeting in West Hollywood. The scripts we discussed were very good. After that I met up with Kyrie, Jessica, and Cynthia. I also briefly saw Severa—the woman who is scoring my little films.

Saturday, October 15, 2011


I worked out with a personal trainer for the first time today. At one point, I felt like I was going to vomit. It’s clear to me that when I work out alone, I’m not putting in as much effort as I should, but do I really need to go until I feel sick? I was out of it for the rest of the day. I felt nauseated and shaky. I kept thinking I should eat, but the helpful effects brought on by food were always transitory. I spent a large part of the rest of the day in bed.

Friday, October 14, 2011


My psychiatrist phoned twice again tonight. I didn’t answer. If I did, I’d have to admit that I’m feeling a little suicidal; and shrinks always freak out when you deal out the “S” word. I admitted to myself today that I’ve become afraid of the script format. I haven’t been writing well, and I’ve been running from it, wasting time with half efforts on scraps of paper and note cards. I can’t face it. I have so much, but it feels like nothing when I can’t write. Need to get off these meds. I feel toxic. I said, “a little.”

Thursday, October 13, 2011


This depression sucks. I left work today after five hours. I haven’t spoken to my best friend for weeks. I know things are good in her life right now, and I just feel like a downer. I don’t know if I’ll stay on the Ritalin. I don’t think this dose is enough to be effective, but I also feel like it’s giving me headaches. My psychiatrist called twice and I didn’t answer. I paid for Season 3 of Jersey Shore. Jwoww and Sammi just made up. This is me disappearing into my hermitage. I should listen to my voicemails now.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I saw my psychologist for the first time in three weeks. She was on vacation. Greece and Turkey. She mentioned she’s been seeing me for five years. I asked her if she was sick of me yet. She evaded. The pesto I made tonight wasn’t very good. It was too dry. My pharmacist shorted me on my Fluoxetine. I don’t hassle myself by counting my pills whenever I pick up my monthly prescriptions. Depending on the month, that would mean counting between 180 and 240 pills. I was told to come in and we’d “go from there,” whatever-the-fuck that means.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


I had an interesting conversation with Vera this morning. Somehow, it felt overdue. I ate out too many times. I’ve been unprepared for the shakes I get from taking Ritalin. Tonight Kyrie and I went for a walk—to Taco Bell. Someone reflected in a pane of glass looked like Mila. The eyeball dress I ordered for Jessica arrived today. I wish I could give it to her tonight; she’s been down. It’ll have to wait until the weekend. Casi and I talked about Jersey Shore. Finally, a friend of mine who watches it; I have someone to talk to.

Monday, October 10, 2011


I feel spun. I think it’s the Ritalin. I don’t think I’m eating enough. But I didn’t feel any better after eating twice. I just had a bunch of water; that made me feel a little better. Our Europe plans are falling apart. Maybe we’ll have to postpone it or just go somewhere else. I finally went back to work today, but I felt shaky and didn’t get much done. I hope tomorrow will be better. Yes, I think the water did me good. Sarah is back in Los Angeles. That makes me happy. I subscribe to too many magazines.

Sunday, October 09, 2011


I lost both chess games this morning. I hoped the Ritalin I’m taking now would help, but that has yet to be seen. I may buy some books on the subject. I also want my doctor to increase my dose. Kyrie and I went to a wedding reception this evening. It was fun. It was nice to dance together. As expected, I saw Tanya there. I enjoy talking to her. Our tastes in film are similar. She caught the bouquet. I wish she felt more attractive. She’s very pretty and quick witted. The people around her life must be dumb.

Saturday, October 08, 2011


I went to the gym this morning and couldn’t get my locker opened. I tried the combination at least ten times before getting the gym staff to cut the padlock. When the locker was opened, my stuff was not inside. I’m an idiot and had the wrong lock cut. I replaced the lock, but I imagine the person would still be pissed. Kyrie and I saw “Dream House” that night. It had an interesting premise, but didn’t work because the stakes for the protagonist were reduced half way through the film. I ran out of Jersey Shore episodes on Netflix.

Friday, October 07, 2011


Beginning to feel the positive side of my new medication. However, I still spent most of my day watching Jersey Shore. Despite this, I feel like I might be back to working on things as early as tomorrow. Maybe I should go the library to work. I get a lot done there. Still trying to work out our trip to Europe. We have so many options. We’re even considering going for longer than we planned on. I’m supposed to tattoo more of my ribs tomorrow, but I haven’t heard back from the tattoo artist, so I’m not counting on it.

Thursday, October 06, 2011


I stayed home today yet again. I can feel the new meds trying, but I think the dosage is too low. I did very little other than watch episodes of Jersey Shore. I don’t even feel like reading, that’s odd. The trip to Paris hit a snag, a clerical error of sorts. May have to go someplace else, just can’t decide where. The problem is that most of the places we have to choose from now aren’t in major cities; they’re relaxing getaways, lots of beaches and stuff. I don’t know if I could handle a whole week of serenity.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011


I stayed in bed again for the majority of the day. I feel sick, but I know the cause of it is depression. I was scheduled to see my psychiatrist today; our session began late and lasted twice as long as usual. I think we were fighting. Oddly, he gave me a prescription for something I asked for months ago. I didn’t even bring it up today. I’ll start popping a new pill in the morning. I feel like I could vomit. The glare of the computer screen in the dark is hurting my eyes too. Time to shut down.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011


It rained today. That was nice. I left work early because I felt ill. That was not nice. I learned that Sarah might be back in Los Angeles by my birthday. That made me happy. Her smiling face in person would make a wonderful birthday present. I can’t think of what else to say to make my one hundred words, so I’ll tell you that Kyrie just undressed and is sitting in bed with her laptop in only her bra and panties. She’s looking at things on Etsy, which means I’m watching her screen, though I doubt she’s watching mine.

Monday, October 03, 2011


I was a little tightly wound today, as I spent much of my afternoon arguing in support of #OccupyWallStreet online with people I don’t even know. On top of that, I continue to struggle with my script “The Method.” I’m told it’s a good premise, which only makes it more difficult to put down, but I’ve grown weary of struggling with it. I began toying with a new script today. On a positive note, I sold five cards on; I think I know who bought them. I chatted with Candy today, which has become a rare pleasure for me.

Sunday, October 02, 2011


I had an amazing orgasm today. I couldn’t move after it. I nearly passed out. I wrote today, but not very well. I can’t figure out why the scenes are taking so long to unfold in this script. I need help editing The Fiancés too. Usually, I look forward to my projects, but I feel like I’ve been retreating from them. We may be spending a week in Paris next year. It’s only a week, but oh well. I’d like to feed Iphigenia today, but her fangs are still pink, so I don’t think she could sink them into anything.

Saturday, October 01, 2011


While sitting with a soy latte and a vegan tea cake, I thought I was being stood up, but I had the meeting time wrong. I’m beginning to feel in need of a smart phone again. Martha arrived on time and we ate vegan burritos and talked. Then I had a good meeting with my book designer. Later, I had the best vegan sushi with Elo and her boyfriend Ken in Little Tokyo. Afterwards, I visited Jessica and we talked for hours. I drove home thinking Kyrie and I would dine out, but she surprised me with vegan stuffed peppers.

Friday, September 30, 2011


One of my spiders, Iphigenia, molted today. Oddly, she did not go into her cave to do so. Right now she’s sitting with her discarded carcass showing off her brand new coat. Kyrie and I saw “Sarah’s Key” tonight. Compelling story but not a great film. I dined out three times today. There’s a delicious but bad habit. I’m writing in the last pages of my current diary, and have been looking for its successor. Why do so many journal makers insist on ruining the simplicity of their journals by embossing the word “Journal” on their covers? My search continues.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


I woke with my knee hurting, and have been limping around all day. I don’t know what happened. I think it’s just old man syndrome. In addition to feeling old, I’m having a hard time feeling like I have any real writing talent. I wish I had had a production by now. I haven’t placed in any competitions since 2008. To be fair, I haven’t entered anything lately, but that’s only because I don’t have anything worth sending out. Maybe when I see my children’s book on Amazon that will give me the confidence boost I’m in desperate need of.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


I drove to work today listening to The Pixies "Digging for Fire." I thought maybe that meant digging to hell. I thought maybe that meant digging to the core of the earth. Then I wondered if somehow dead people were buried in the sky, would heaven be thought of in the ground rather than the clouds? It’s their burial in the ground and our inherent fear of death that makes hell down and heaven up. Oh well. I like The Pixies. They make me think of college and Amy Schwertman especially. I hate getting old. I hate having to die.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


This country is full of shit. We like to talk the talk about democracy and self-determination, yet we are the major roadblock for Palestine achieving statehood. They should have always been thus. And now we’re selling Israel bunker busting bombs. They’re probably paying for them with the 8.2 million dollar daily allowance doled out to them by the United States government. The US must stop its financial backing of the big bully in the sandbox. Iranian fear tactics. In other news, I’m glad to hear that Chris Christie will not be running for president; that would have given me diarrhea.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Depression kept me at home from work today. I just couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed. I couldn’t even watch a whole movie. I began watching “Panic in Needle Park” but fell asleep. I thought about writing, but didn’t do any. I saw Disco come online briefly, that was nice, but we didn’t get to talk. Still, I like knowing that she’s out there. At 6 p.m., I finally took my morning shower. Gross. I hate it when I’m like this. Tomorrow will be better. Soon it will be time to sleep. I’ve had vivid dreams lately.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


I woke thinking that that dream would make Steve laugh. I would have to tell him. Then I remembered he is dead. I’ve been wondering who will have to die in my family for my sisters to make up and stop disowning each other. I have an appointment with a personal trainer this morning. Exercise. Bleh. I’ve been thinking about how absurd the story of Samson is. Magic hair. Oh please. The stuff we call mythology was more human. Gods used to hate each other. But this new One Guy can only claim we are made in His image. Useless.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


I over slept today. I even took a nap. While awake, I wrote a little and then edited footage for The Fiancés. It was slow going. I’m having trouble with the pacing, but I’m sure it will get figured out. I walked to meet Kyrie on her lunch break and then took a roundabout way home. I read a travel book today. Kyrie and I are trying to figure out where to take a vacation. To my surprise, Argentina is on the table. I want to see Cape Horn. I’d love to sail around it. We’re still considering Europe too.

Friday, September 23, 2011


Months ago I took a survey about the food selection here on campus. I commented that there weren’t many choices for vegans. Shortly after the survey deadline, vegan food appeared in one of our campus stores. Though I felt partially responsible for its arrival, the price and appearance kept me from ever purchasing any of it. Today I finally did. I realized that with my limited culinary experience, I am quite a vegan chef. I’m not saying I’ll never buy it again. The proximity of the campus store to my office makes it convenient, and I suppose that’s the point.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


I arrived at work very late today. 8:32 a.m. But I stayed extra late as a result. I got a lot done and wish I could have stayed longer, but I had something else to do. I listened to Pandora radio a lot today. I need to do that more often. It makes the day nicer. I feel like a schmuck today. I won’t say why, but I do. I’m also concerned about one of my closest friends. She’s been in a relationship that has not been good for her for a long time and has such difficulty letting go.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I arrived at work at 4 a.m. It was perfect. It was so quiet. I got so much done. I left at 2 p.m., but haven’t done much but go the gas station since I left. Exciting post. I continued thinking about a film I saw last night, Valhalla Rising; I don’t think I understood it, but I found it intriguing anyway and it was nice to look at. I’ve been making new friends recently, I don’t know why. But I can think of three people I speak to at length now that I didn’t speak to a month ago.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


I’ve been super productive today at work. I should have gone home already, but I’ll stay one more hour. I had a dirty conversation with Elo who is at home sick. I don’t know who the bigger pervert is. Things continue to go smoothly with my children’s book. I need to get back to work on my film script, “The Method.” I don’t know why I’m shying away from it. I’m thinking of renaming the main character to give the script new life. From Marina to Romina. Maybe it doesn’t seem like a big change, but for me it’s huge.

Monday, September 19, 2011


For the first time in many days, I was able to make time to do some reading. I’m thoroughly enjoying this book, “Exquisite Corpse” by Poppy Z. Brite. I felt a little sleepy during the day today; I’m hoping that it’s not the new medication. I’ve been looking in to taking a trip. It’s so fun to plan vacations, the problem is that I never get around to taking them. Not much would make my doctors happier. They think I work too much on too many different things. France is the front runner right now. I’ve never been to Paris.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Aftermath of yesterday. Things blew up but will calm down eventually. Happily, I woke up with my current script on my mind. It’s reassuring to think that my new meds won’t prevent me from writing. Now I just got to get past the depression. I dreamed of my first crush. She was so mean to me. But I guess that’s how she was in real life too. I’m thinking of a new writing project, something novel length, but not a novel. It’s about a character I’ve been working on somewhat unwittingly for some time. Right now, I’ve named him Miles.

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic. Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic. Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic. Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic. Today was not a great day. My meds made me feel fine but what happened around me was just tragic.

Friday, September 16, 2011


Yes, this medication seems to give me small headaches, but oh well, it’s not making me sleepy. If anything it’s making me fidget. It’s nice to have energy again. I spoke to my best friend today. I’m so happy for her. She’s found someone good. I hope he is everything he seems to be and not much more. I’m listening to Tales of Innocence by Christian Death right now. I always wanted to hear this song at a club but never did. Maybe I’ll go to a club this weekend. I don’t know. I’m feeling pretty self-conscious and over weight.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


I don’t notice anything wrong with my new medication other than as slight headache, which could be coincidental. I got my MacBook back today; that was a relief. On the drive to the Apple Store, I became saddened about my Forever Candy script. I really want something to happen with that script, but it feels permanently shelved. Maybe this new medication won’t get in the way of me being productive. Maybe that’s wishful thinking. Jessica may have found someone who might be able to score my six little goth films. It would be a relief to work with one person.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


I took the day off work today. I had too many appointments. Orthodontist, dentist, psychologist, psychiatrist. I continue to feel generally sleepy, unmotivated, and not in the mood to write. I’m thinking it’s the aripiprazole I’ve been taking. My psychiatrist decided to try something new: lurasidone. It’s only been on the market for a few months, and I’ll be his first patient taking it. First dose is tomorrow. I’m worn out of these atypical antipsychotics. I take them because my doctor asks me to. I think I’m fine without them, but we differ in our perceptions of what fine means.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I forgot to take my meds. I don’t know what impact it’s had, if any. I feel down, but I’ve been feeling down, so that’s nothing new. I feel a little paranoid. I feel like I’m staring at people excessively. I feel inside my head more than usual. I was thinking about how different my life would be had I not gone to UCSC. I likely wouldn’t have met some of the most important people in my life. It was a blessing that I felt out of place when I visited the Berkeley campus. Hoping for Palestinian statehood. Yay Turkey!

Monday, September 12, 2011


Kyrie and I celebrated her birthday today. We had vegan lunch and three vegan deserts. I gave her some strands of black pearls. I can’t seem to find the motivation to write. I’m looking forward to talking to my psychiatrist this Wednesday to let him know that. After all, it was he who put me back on this medication that has historically killed creativity, and is now making me sleepy. I wish there was something else that we haven’t tried, that he’s willing to let me try, that I’m willing to try. But I don’t think there is anything left.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


I didn’t do a whole lot. I was depressed. Kyrie and I went out for breakfast, and then I came home and slept, then read for a bit, then slept more. Routine depression and one medication continues to make me sleepy. Later I had sushi that gave me a stomach ache. I don’t know how much of my depression is related to today being the tenth anniversary of September 11. The memory of that day still haunts me. The thought of people having to jump from those heights has stayed with me all these years. I’m going back to sleep.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


I’m hoping the Apple store will call me today to tell me that they fixed the power supply on my MacBook. It died on me yesterday right when I was adding sound tracks to a film. I’m guessing I lost all of my work. Oh well. I’ll just do it over. I’m excited about my children’s book. It seems to be coming together so well. I’m lucky to work with such talented people. It’s Saturday, and I’m actually in the office trying to get caught up on stuff. I’m hoping to go see the film One Day with Kyrie tonight.

Friday, September 09, 2011


I was disappointed this morning. One of the emails I received was related to the scoring for my first film. I am still in search of someone to score it. I had a sex dream last night with my ex, Lisa. It was strange. We were having sex and underneath us were photographs of scenes of our past together when we were unhappy. As I write this, I realize it sounds like a scene in Filming Tara Raikatuji. In that sense, it sounds like a scene out of childhood. I feel sleepy. This medication helps me and doesn’t help me.

Thursday, September 08, 2011


I steered a boat today in Newport Harbor. We had a staff retreat. We also exercised at the Anteater Recreation Center and did a cooking class. It all made for a long day. I thought I would come home to three email responses that I was thinking about all day, but none of the three people replied. Today, I wished I could have a smart phone again, but I know the reduced stress of not having one has been good. My psychiatrist sounded annoyed in his voicemail. This is the second day he failed to get a hold of me.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011


One of the medications I take is causing a common side effect: sleepiness. My dosage was recently increased and, ever since, I’ve been falling asleep during the day. Of course my psychiatrist phoned me back while I was running a blender making strawberry-cherry smoothies. I didn’t hear the phone. I bought a Groupon today to go ocean kayaking in San Diego. I turned down the opportunity for moonlit kayaking a couple months ago in Orange County, but the thought of sea caves in La Jolla was too appealing to blow off. We’re going as a group to celebrate Lauren’s birthday.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011


I saw a guy texting while making a U-turn today. That was a first for me. Someone who I always thought disliked me added me as a friend on a social network today. It’s so strange to be writing back and forth because I’ve always found this person intimidating; quiet people often are. Loudmouths give you so much material to evaluate and then not be afraid of, but the quiet ones are so much more difficult to read. I’m uploading what I hope is the final copy of The Vow so it can be evaluated by a band for scoring.

Monday, September 05, 2011


It’s minutes until midnight and I woke up remembering that I forgot to post my hundred words for the day. I had two dreams that included Bert and Ernie, although in my dreams they were called Ernie and Bert. The second one ended with Mila asking me, “What, were you introduced to Ernie and Bert through the mail?” To which I replied, “I don’t know. Probably.” I have no idea what that means. It’s insignificant, but like I said, it’s minutes until midnight, and I have yet to post my hundred words. I edited film for hours today as well.

Sunday, September 04, 2011


Technically, it’s already tomorrow. I was out all day and didn’t get home until late. A group of us went to the Natural History Museum to see the new dinosaur exhibit and then to Café Gratitude for dinner. We were celebrating Kyrie’s and Cynthia’s birthdays. The restaurant had a very obnoxious way of singing happy birthday to them both. Kyrie couldn’t decide on a dessert so she got two, which made a third dessert arrive at our table with a candle. Another patron, while exiting, wished me a happy birthday as the third dessert was placed in front of me.

Saturday, September 03, 2011


I spent four and a half hours today editing three minutes of footage from The Fiancés. I’ve been trying to keep myself from lying in bed being depressed. I played two games of chess this morning and lost them both. Kyrie and I went to a gym to inquire about membership, but of course we didn’t work out a bit. We might go see a movie later tonight if I’m not too tired. Someone contacted me about possibly doing the layout for my children’s book. I hope that works out. I’m going to go read more of Exquisite Corpse now.

Friday, September 02, 2011


I forced myself to go to work this morning, but I only stayed for six hours before leaving. I ran some errands afterwards and then went out to eat. I’ve been texting a lot with people lately. I had my first hour plus phone conversation in months. I’m trying to be social to break this depression, but tonight, I just want to read. I’m having a hard time with the formatting of my children’s book. I need to start thinking about which script to film next. When a cricket chirps singularly it can sound like a kiss in the dark.

Thursday, September 01, 2011


I spent the day in bed. I wonder if this headache is from sleeping too many hours. Yesterday, I told my therapist that the only thing I look forward to now is reading. And yet today, I couldn’t get myself to pick up a book. Even while typing this, I want to go back to sleep. I have to do something to get myself out of this. My therapist thinks exercise will do the trick. I was thinking of doing a new cut of The Fiancés. Maybe a new tattoo. It’ll be dark soon. Then I’m supposed to be asleep.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


My session with my psychologist was difficult today. I even asked to stop before the hour was up. I haven’t cried for a while. We spent most of the time talking about Steve and why I’m grieving so long after his death. My psychologist asked what I would say to him if he were here right now. She seemed surprised that I would apologize for being a bad friend. There was more, but that was first and foremost. I should have stayed for the duration of the session. I haven’t done much but lie in bed since I got home.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I’m falling into another depression. A tell tale sign is the amount of time I spend in bed. I’m even writing this entry from bed. I’ve been oversleeping and overeating. I’m going to be coming out with a book soon, and so I’ve been reading this book that talks about marketing yourself as an author. From what I read, I feel like I should create a separate website for my literary endeavors and maybe even take a pen name. But why should I maintain a separate identity just to project a different image? It’s like apologizing for who I am.

Monday, August 29, 2011


A few months ago, I had my first caffeine since August 2004. I decided to start drinking coffee again in order to try and meet a deadline for my “Forever Candy” script. (I didn’t even make the deadline.) About a month ago, I was in West Hollywood having vegan pizza with friends and had my first soda. It was so yummy. I just took a sip of my first energy drink. It doesn’t taste very good, but it came in a black can. How goth. I feel like I’m on a slippery slope. Is cocaine or meth on the horizon?

Sunday, August 28, 2011


I had a morning meeting in West Hollywood for my “Forever Candy” script. It went as I expected, which wasn’t very good. It needs a lot of work, and might be better as a stage play. I’ll sit on it for a while until I sort it out. I’m still plugging away at my current script “The Method.” After talking to one of my fellow writers, I decided to outline the script again before writing any more dialogue. I’m changing colors of my note cards. It seems like a small thing, but it gives me the illusion of drastic change.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


I wrote one whole page of script today. Big whoop. It was the first page though, and I think it came out okay. I ate too much bad food today. I feel so fat. I’ve been listening to Iron and Wine all day long. Usually, I can’t read while listening to music with lyrics, but I can with this band. I lost my first chess game with Paul and stalemated the second. I’ve been napping more frequently lately. It feels good, but I really hate sleeping my days away. If I exercised, I would sleep more regularly. But I don’t.

Friday, August 26, 2011


Kyrie and I saw the film “Le Herisson” tonight. It was okay, a little unfocused at times. I’m hoping to write the first act of my new script within the next few days. I’ve outlined it enough times that I’m hoping it won’t be a problem. I became angry with someone today. I detest feeling angry, especially when I can’t just shake it off. The magazines I subscribe to are piling up. I should go to coffee this weekend and get caught up. It was hot today. I worked on a WIKI all day at work. It wore me out.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


The pill my doctor had me take ended up making me sleep for fourteen hours. Needless to say, I was late for work. I still got a lot done though, but I had to leave early because my sister called and told me that my mother slipped in a grocery store and hit her head. Oddly enough, during those fourteen hours, I dreamed that that particular grocery store was in the process of changing its name. The sign outside was rebranded, but all the signs inside still belonged to the old store. I won’t be taking that pill again tonight.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Before I entered his office, I told my psychiatrist that there was a cat in his waiting room. He went out to look; I had to yell to him that it wasn’t really there. I think that gave him new perspective, but I could just be flattering myself. He’s already pretty bright. My meds were increased slightly. He wants me to start working on dealing with Steve’s death. Prolonged bereavement, he suggested. Apparently, it’s not normal to grieve for a year. I made pesto this afternoon. It needed a little more garlic, but was still good over those spirally noodles.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I took a Klonopin for the second day in a row. That’s a lot for me. Usually my month long prescription will last me an entire year. I’m related to evangelicals. Enough said. I saw a chili pepper on the ground while crossing a bridge. It appeared so happily red against the concrete. I loved its image so much that I pretend it’s still there, even though I actually believe some moron picked up and chucked it off the bridge. My hours at work flew by. I got a lot done, but still didn’t finish as much as I wanted.

Monday, August 22, 2011


I fulfilled the second of two promises I made to my psychologist. Technically, I had until the 31st, but I’m not much of a procrastinator. The first was to attend that meeting on Saturday. The second was to email my ex-girlfriend. I hope she’ll reply. I don’t feel like doing UCI work today. My current project is tedious. I’d much rather work on another outline of the second act of my script. I redirected the domain to our Facebook page. I’m hoping this will encourage Rachel and me to be more active and inspire more discussion amongst our readers.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Worked a lot on my current script today. Hit a fork in the road while outlining the second act. It largely depends on how I decide this character will kill people. One direction is cinematic; the other is more plausible. I know I should choose cinematic. I lost both games of chess with Paul this morning. The first game, I don’t know what happened; suddenly, it was just over. The second, I thought I had a chance, but I blew it pretty effectively. Still the weekly games are good for my psyche. They help me relax more than anything else.

Saturday, August 20, 2011


I attended a group therapy session my psychologist has been encouraging me to go to for a few weeks. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t know anyone while most everyone else did. I’m sure it will improve with subsequent sessions, if I go again. I have a lot in common with others, which was a real eye opener. When I got home, I outlined the first act of my new script, currently titled “The Method.” I have this big bulletin board with a bunch of index cards pinned to it to keep the plot straight. I need two more bulletin boards.

Friday, August 19, 2011


This morning I saw a pattern of water drops on the shower floor that made me think of my friend Steve Gaudette. There’s no sensible association, probably just a misfiring in my brain. Steve died eleven months ago and I still haven’t accepted it. I know he’s dead. Despite that knowledge, my world doesn’t feel like it. I’m over working again. I should take some time to rest this weekend, but as always there are so many things I want to get done.  I like the days I wear stompy boots to work. Just doing that makes me feel better.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


I woke from a dream where the personalities of people I know were placed in the bodies of others I know. I got a new computer at work. I changed my desktop picture to one of James Cagney and the Dead End Kids from the film, Angels with Dirty Faces. I felt like going out to lunch, but I ate too many sunflower seeds and lost my appetite. After work, I’ll outline my new script for the third time. I’m trying something new—laying everything out solidly before actually beginning to write. Ordinarily, I just let my characters run rampant.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Today, I reinvented my blog. My original blog that I began in 2003 began on Blogger, moved to MySpace, back to Blogger, and then to Wordpress. Those 1,500 or so posts hanging around cyberspace began to feel heavy, and so I retired it. But loving to blog, I had to start again. I’m going to writer lighter. 100 words exactly per day, with a one word title taken from within the text of the post. It feels like a big commitment, but I hope I can do it. I hope the regularity gives me something great to look back on.