Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Channel


My heart hurts from one of the deletes yesterday. It's not because it might go unnoticed, but because it has come to this with someone I love. Why did she leave me without a word? What had I done? I need to channel this sense of loss into my book. It will help to fuel Orly. I'm making a gift for someone and she has no idea. I hope it will be ready to present in a couple of months. I don't know if she will love it. I hope so because I'm making it out of love for her.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Glimpses


I deleted and blocked multiple people this afternoon. Friends who haven't been good friends. Friends who ghosted me. Two especially hurt. They were supposed to be amongst my close friends. I don't want them to see glimpses of my life and I don't want to see any more glimpses of their lives without me. I'm going to bury my head in the sand and only think about the times we were close and laughed together. I imagine one of them will notice quickly. The others, who knows? Maybe months. I have a feeling I will continue in this endeavor tomorrow.  

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Singular


I went to boot camp this morning and then came home and took a nap. I was still tired from going to sleep too late the night before. When I woke, I went to Starbucks to finish reading the second half of a Dennis Cooper novel. On my way there, I thought about people who recently disappeared from my life. I don’t really know how to feel about it. Sometimes it feels like betrayal. Sometimes it makes me assume I did something wrong. Or even worse: I’ve done something singular that they all know about and are all repulsed by.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Hours


I forced myself out of bed this morning and made it to my 6 a.m. boot camp class. I had a good workout. I met Jay for coffee, but I had green tea. We talked there for over three hours and then walked a few blocks to a restaurant and had lunch for another two hours. It was nice to sit with her and talk. After we parted I went to the office and worked on some budget stuff until Hanh called me on Skype. We talked for four hours over video chat. Needless to say I didn't write much.